Jump to content

I'm sure he's an addict, he says he not


Kaykay
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi

I'm pretty sure my partner was/is a sex addict but he's heavily in denial. 

He was sleeping with prostitutes for 4 years (he says it stopped when we got together) multiple women, would watch porn, followed hundreds of sexual accounts on Instagram, related everything to sex, was very sexual, almost struggled to control himself with me at times. Like he couldn't touch me without wanting to sleep with me. All this has stopped now. But he won't admit he was or still is an addict. 

We went to a professional who told us he was emotionally soothing himself with this behaviour. It was impulsive, compulsive and addictive behaviour he couldn't control. Her words. We didn't go back to her, he didn't see the need. To me that is indicative of an addiction. 

Is he still an addict if he doesn't do that stuff now? He has lied so many times, the truth of it all didn't come out for a while. This has been going on for the whole 3 years, we've been together. I think he's in denial. He will not accept the term sex addict. 

I'm losing my mind. I have noticed a definite change in how he is but I'm terrified it may come back. He hurt me so much and disgusted me so much. I'm so resentful. I feel like he needs to delve deeper into this to get answers. 

 

Thank you xxxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Kaykay, 

Thank you for sharing part of your story.   It sounds like you are in a dilemma of knowing  if you can trust him. You say in your post that you have seen a definite change in him.   What changes have you seen in him?  are they positive ones, that can help you build trust in him that he won't return to his old compulsive sexual acting out behaviour?    It is extremely common that partners are scared that their partners will slip or relapse.   The trouble is, that the addicted partner cannot prove that they haven't done anything.   However, you can ask for evidence of recovery such as :   does he still have Instagram?  if so, are you able to look at his account at any time?  Do you know have internet blocking software on your devices, so he can't look at porn?  are you able to look at his bank account and can he explain his different financial transactions, so you know he is not spending money on prostitutes.   Are you doing things together?  Is he honest with other areas of life?   

How will it help you if he accepted the term sex addict for himself?

Ginny

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for getting back to me. 

The changes I see are that he in himself is much less sexual. He doesn't bring up sex so often. He's deleted all those accounts on Instagram, when I found the cam stuff he deleted his login for that too. I trust he isn't doing anything NOW. He's says his thinking towards porn has even changed. 

I knew from when we met something was up with him. It was so full on. But it slowly leaked out over time, he kept lying, saying he was trying to protect me. His sister in law thinks its addiction a close female friend said she always knew he was obsessed with sex. 

I went snooping this weekend and he went ballistic. I didn't find anything, the first time ever. I said I'll try not to snoop but what else am I to do? He just doesn't get it. He doesn't get how badly he's messed up. How he's abused my trust. He used my mental health issues against me and told me it was my problem. He was paying for sex even when he was out of work. He went on cams while we were together. I've battled so much with him. And to be fair it seems to have worked so far but I'm tired. He is only where he is due to me being relentless and not accepting the excuses or lies.  He's asked people to lie to me about what he's done. Saying this all in one go let's me see just how far from normal this is. 

Him not admitting he has an addiction kind of says to me he's not fully accepting the problem. He's just like oh it's not who I am anymore so it's fine now. He's not taking responsibility and being fully proactive in getting answers as to why he treated himself and me in this way and giving himself knowledge and tools to ensure it doesn't happen again. 

I feel it invalidates how I feel as well. How can we all see it, but he can't. He has adhd, undiagnosed. A doctor confirmed it as a child but no formal diagnosis was made, this was 25 years ago. I think if he delved into what is going on in his head it would help us both. He says he will go to therapy in April. He needs to go to a, sex addiction therapist but I don't think he will and I don't think I'm willing to push him anymore. I think if I said it, he would go mad. Once again. I'm emotionally exhausted, my life has been put on hold as I've poured myself into him and I don't think I can do it anymore. 

Do you think this sounds like addiction? 

Thank you for listening. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Without formally seeing your boyfriend I am unable to say if his past sexual behaviour was an addiction.  It certainly sounds like it was a compulsion and had a damaging effect on you and your relationship.   Since your discovery of the web cams etc, he has deleted his accounts and after you checking, you have found he has stopped the behaviour.   It is very difficult for the partner to start believing he has stopped for good. 

Is there a reason for him waiting until April to start the therapy?   and what are his goals for the therapy?  is he going to please you or going to talk about things for himself?   

Can you stay in the relationship if he never acknowledges that his past sexual behaviour was an addiction?  Are you happy that he is now less sexual with you?  What other aspects of your relationship are good?     We have a mini blog series on the couple relationship.   This specific blog might be of use to you as you decide if you have the energy to stay in the relationship - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--a-guide-for-couples--analysing-the-strength-of-your-relationship.   

Take care

Ginny

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He couldn't stop. He admitted that in the session we had. It's tainted everything and continues to taint everything. Some days are good, some bad. Its like I'm waiting for the next thing. The entire relationship, something has always come out. 

He's going to therapy to please me. He knows it wasn't good what he was doing and he knows how much he hurt me. I think. He thinks it's totally done and dusted. But then he didn't even think he had a problem to start with. He thought what he was doing was normal. He's waiting until April because he says he has things he wants to achieve and gain by then and also he will be able to afford it. It's all excuses really. 

I won't be able to stay if he doesn't get to the bottom of this. He doesn't even know why. The therapist had to tell him he was emotionally soothing himself. He didn't even know that. If you don't know why you did something, how can you be sure it won't happen again. I'm slowly checking out if the relationship. 

I'm happy he's less sexual, it means he's not so driven by sex. It was constant. He spoke about sex so much, make inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times. 

Apart from this and some anger issues (which aren't major) he's perfect. He had an abusive childhood but will not accept or see it. But he's gotten better there. 

I will have a look at that link, I can't put that to him though. Its pointless and will probably cause an argument. 

Thank you so much. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing more of your story.  I am glad that his need for sex has lessened.  If he was using sex to emotionally self-soothe, then it is a big pressure on you to constantly be available to help him to self soothe from whatever emotion he needed to deal with at that moment.   Part of counselling is about gaining more self awareness, and hopefully over time with the therapist he can see his childhood was an abusive one and how that has impacted him and his relationships.    

I hope the link helps you clarify in your mind if the relationship is worth more of your time and energy.  

All the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...