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Female Sex Addict - Trauma re-enactment

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First time posting anywhere About this. Really wanted to hear from any other female sex addicts but also others dealing with Trauma re-enactment - what a therapist has told me it is for me. 

The more reading I do, the more it feels at some point it should stop, once you re-enact the trauma. How much or how bad does the re-enactment have to be before the mind will just stop asking for it? But it doesn’t seem to be working, I keep thinking if I meet men who offer a more dangerous experience it will stop, will stop this desire but it doesn’t, I just keep seeking worse and more. 

I have tried to stop. Each time honestly thinking I had stopped successfully and am so happy. But a month or so later it creeps back. It’s not me, it goes against everything I believe in and portray in my everyday life but once the thought is there it’s like there is no going back, it’s so strong it takes over, and it’s a constant fight with your mind to tell it to go away. I wish someone could lock me in a room, and hope these desires leave me alone. 

What confuses  me is that I despise this behaviour. I hate it and often I’m even scared but I have to do it or the urge doesn’t leave me alone. It’s like I have to quiet it down, even for a few weeks until it comes back again. All behind my long term partners back who i love and would never want to lose. 

I have tried to delete accounts permanently, make passwords I do not remember, but in a split second you can just create a new one again. I struggle with my triggers also. Feeling worthless and low is the only one that I have managed to identify.  When I’m feel happy it can pop up. 

Lastly, I have tried engaging in healthy sex with my partner when these urges come, but they are way too often for one, he has even got to point of thinking I use sex to just make myself feel better about things (he does not know about anything)   but even if I do, it doesn’t work to stop the urges. If it ever does it is only for a ridiculously small amount of time, I would save around 15mins. The bad urge could be back straight away after. 

The guilt and shame after each bad encounter I guess is what calms the urge down for a lot longer when I meet these men. 

Any advise from others would be really appreciated.  I have read Paula Halls sex addiction book several times now. It is really helpful in understanding where my behaviour comes from. 

 

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I'm sorry you didn't get a response on this and I wish I could help but I'm unsure. I'd suggest going to a professional that deals with addiction to help look into this xx

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