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Head feels like the Pepsi Max


Denise
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Hi, new here, last year I found it my husband of 18 years had been to dogging sites, I always knew there was something but couldn’t put my finger on it. To cut a very long complex long story short, when confronted he admitted he had been doing it for 3 years, said he was glad I’d found out and that he would never go again, he said all he did was watch men mastabate and there were never any females there at the sites he used. I chose to forgivehim,  my first husband visited prositutes and I was abused as a child so my head is a bit screwed but I have never let my past ruin my future, when I met my second husband I felt I could trust him, loved him like crazy he is gentle, not loving but gentle man and we get along great. We both decided to retire early and he persuaded me to move away, only 50 miles, but nearer the coast. I’ve  now discovered he’s been at it again an that there are hundreds of dogging sites around our new place (tracked him) I’ve confronted him and he’s admitted he’s addicted to porn and has been since early in his first marriage he claims the dogging has only been for the last 5 years. We’ve always had a fantastic sex life up till around 3 years ago and I put the deterioration down to work etc, I know know that he’s desensitised due to porn.  He said he won’t do it again, he’s doing a course on line (tbh he’s done it twice only since I found out)  he wants me to keep tracking him, he’s sorry, trouble is I don’t think I can ever trust him, at moment we are living as friends, it’s exhausting, I don’t want to try sex with him or let him touch me, even though he could never retain an erection we have always satisfied each other in other ways now he makes me want to scream at him, I feel like I want nothing sexual from him, we get along really well and have lots in common.  I’m 60 next month and I feel like the last 18 years have been a waste. There’s loads more things to my story, this is the outline, I find I read story’s on here and everyone is forgiving and moving forward with there relationships, I feel I can’t.....I don’t have time to waste but yet I’m scared to do  anything about it....sorry my story is all over the place but I’d appreciate some advice  as I’m devastated 🦋 still says he only watches and it’s men but I don’t believe him 

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Hi Denise, thank you for sharing part of your story.   It is a huge shock discovering this about your partner.  Someone that you trust and love.  At the moment your brain will feel scrambled and your emotions going up and down like a being on a roller coaster.  Each relationship is different and it is only you who can decide if you should stay or leave.  However, before making that decision, I suggest looking at your own journey of recovery (to help you manage your own emotions and decisions).  Paula Hall mentions this journey as 'Learning to Surf' in her book "Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective".   We have also running a blog series on helping couples when they discover their partner has a sex addiction.  Check out the web link - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog.   I hope both of these can help you stand on some solid ground.

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Hi Ginny, thank you I will check your advise out, it’s a bit like the stages of bereavement I feel I’m going through, I try to understand knowing it is an addiction then next day I’m so angry I also feel that I need to know the whole truth however, I doubt he will ever disclose this to me.  It annoys me also as he knows my past experiences and said he was disgusted at what I went through as a child and with my ex visiting prostitutes and then wham bam.... he’s screwed my head up even more by what he has done..I feel that because I’m a very caring person who is soft hearted  he chose me because he could get away with it as I wouldn’t suspect anything, I feel I’ve never had his love, I feel very very used.....I will take your advise and see if it helps me unravel my feelings. Thanks again 🌸

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