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My heads a mess


kezza
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My partner finally admitted after I found a load of evidence of him contacting massage parlours that he is a sex addict with a preference for sex workers. He only admitted it when I said that I would only stay with him if he took a lie detector test.  

After a lot of shouting, crying and every emotion possibly I have decided to stick with him we have 15 week old twin boys which is part of my decision but it hurts do bad. Some days I'm happy smiling other days I just want to end it all.  2 days ago he was at a job interview and I was sure he was lying and found myself driving to the massage parlour he has a preference for looking for his car and also wanting to see these girls. My head is all over the place I'm in tears writing this please tell me it gets easier.

Also we still decided on the lie detector test as I needed to know things. We agreed to go together after our family holiday in March he then went and booked the test without me knowing and only told me about it when he'd past so he's still lying.  We are starting couple counselling tomorrow but I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this.

Edited by kezza
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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 1 year later...

Dear all 

we may feel lonely but it is so common and not your fault. I have been married since 18 and had concerns but felt i was  being stupid over 30 yrs. Until a little over a year ago he let out a bomb shell infront of me he told a mate who girlfriend had found out he was having affair that he believed everyone should have a secret life. i felt numb i had taken him back after an affair about 6 yrs earlier. I had found since taking him back on menu of phone place name not people and when went into text found messages about massaging thighs after baths. Always on computer everything having passwords and not allowed to know them. i was told i was lucky he was into porn which i quickly addressed no i was not. i feel so  silly i am 56 and only had one relationship. i was warmed by his best friend he was not faithful when he was 19 but because his friend asked me out and said he was no good i should be with him i though he was lying. i got into his unlocked computer last week i never have had access before but he went out leaving it on. i found email to a swinging site sating he'd passed online questions i am just starting today to sort this out this is my first attempt. I am finding it hard to sleep and get up for 2 hrs and then go back up to bed. two nights ago when went up after an hour found whole loo roll in middle of bed and noticed in morning he;d shaved down there with razor on floor and mobile hidden under pillow. phone i could see again last night for part of night by his arm then disappeared. he tells me he is not having an affair and tried to palm me off with a mobile he handed me 4 days ago as proof  All the stories and he sits in our kitchen all day all night and comes into eat tea only and comes to bed kate. having found these sites today i know what it is. he says he cannot change as is now 59 its been going on too long. Any ideas..

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Dear Jo, thank you are for sharing your story.  I am sorry to hear that you have discovered some further acting out behaviour.  It is traumatic to find out these things.  When we receive a trauma it is not unusual not be able to sleep.  Your mind and body are on high alert.  Waiting for the next discovery.   From what I can gather from your message is that you have spoken to your husband about these discoveries but he is saying that he cannot change due to his age.   We do have the capacity to change, however old we are.  It is more to do with, if he is willing to change.  I think there is more talking required to find out what is going on and what this means for your relationship.  If he does not want to change or stop this behaviour, then what does this mean to you?  These are not easy questions to think about.   I am attaching a blog series which focuses on the partner.  I hope this can give you some guidance on what your next step could be.   Take care of yourself.   Ginny

https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction

https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/how-the-body-is-affected-following-the-discovery-of-sex-or-porn-addiction

https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--a-guide-for-couples

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