We are here for help. 2

[NHF]

Before I start, the other half of this is in the main chat section, written by my partner. But these are my thoughts and feelings.

A few days ago, my boyfriend(he is 23) told me (I’m 21) about his addiction to pornography. He said it is no longer an issue now, and hasn’t been for around 8-9 months now. However it was ongoing before this and for over a year of our relationship.

He said it started just over a year before our relationship, as he had a girlfriend who didn’t get intimate with him (they apparently only had sex 5-6 times in a 1.5 year relationship) so it essentially started in their relationship and got much worse in   the time he was single and having no sex at all. It’s gradually got better since being with me and somehow he got past it. However this doesn’t change the emotions I have felt since finding out.

We have been together 1 year and 8 months, so the majority of this time he had still been struggling with the addiction. I had absolutely no idea however looking back there were warning signs that bothered me at the time but I never came to the conclusion this was the cause. Red flags:

- Sexual performance difficulties at the start of our relationship (i just assumed it was because I was new to him as our sex life has been absolutely fine ever since the first few times)

- Liking and following girls on social media. The photos he liked were often bikini/provocative photos both from girls he knew and girls he didn’t know in person. I regularly told him that this made me feel uncomfortable, but he continued for a long time despite promises he respected my thoughts and he would avoid them. (He has since said that these photos were a factor in his addiction, fuelling him to want to watch porn. This is one of the really hurtful parts of it all, because some of these girls are people I know too, and from my perspective it feels like I wasn’t good enough, for example why didnt he just look at photos of me instead of the friends/random girls he had on social media.

- Looking at attractive girls when they walked by (some of which were my friends) which really hurt my self esteem.

- Hiding and deleting messages from female friends. The only ones I read myself (that hadn’t been deleted) were a string of texts to one of our mutual friends/colleagues. He was extremely flirtatious in the messages and I honestly almost walked out the night I found them. Just before I confronted him, i pretended I hadn’t seen them and asked if he had heard from her. He straight up lied to my face. That’s when alarm bells started ringing. Lies are something I never want in a relationship. (He has since said that this was another way of satisfying that other side of him - although I have no idea how that relates, if anyone could explain even just this one particular part it would mean so much)

My biggest fear is if this dishonest side will continue to show up in our future. I completely believe that he hasn’t watched a thing in months (we moved in together, work from home and spent lots of time together). He said he will be completely honest in the future and never hide things. But my question is - how do you trust after broken promises, lies and someone who can cover things up so well.

Since finding out I have felt so many emotions, confusion, anger, betrayal etc. I have anger that he knowingly had the addiction, but pursued a relationship with me, but at the same time I feel like we have had so many amazing times I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’ve wondered if he truly does find me physically attractive, because I think of all of the girls online he must have thought about in a sexual way. I wonder if the times I was having the best time with him, that he was thinking about his addiction more than me. I worry that he’s not told me everything, despite him being so honest with me. I feel disgusted at the thoughts he must have had, the countless hours of watching other girls have sex, the material he’s viewed. I feel disgusted that he’s had these thoughts, particularly whilst in my family home, and to satisfy the urge/want he flirtatiously messaged our mutual friend while sat in the room with one of my parents, it truly does disgust and devastate me. But at the same time I go through feelings of trying to understand and rationalise things, but then a few minutes later I will go back to the negative emotions. I have never had to deal with anything like this and never thought I would have to. It sometimes doesn’t feel real. I’ve not been able to sleep properly for 3 consecutive nights and I’m now still in bed on a Monday afternoon, I’ve wasted the whole day again. But one thing I’ve never stopped feeling is love for him. I am honestly so confused.

We have also recently left our home country to do some travelling, so finding out this news in a time that I’ve been really enjoying and knowing they should be the best months/year of my life has really made things difficult. It’s just me and him, I haven’t got my family and friends nearby anymore to take my mind off things and talk to them. I also feel I couldn’t talk to anyone I know about it any anyway, as I now feel I can’t trust the people closest to me in a way.

I am so confident that he is ‘the one’ and I completely want a future with the man I fell in love with (he really is one of the most caring, loving and respectful people I have ever met, which is maybe why it has been such a shock), but finding out about the past dishonestly in our relationship is crushing and it does make me worry for the future.

I want to find a way to get past this, stop thinking about it, be able to sleep, enjoy travel and live as normal. I want to trust him and have no worries. I want to understand what he is trying to explain (that it was nothing to do with me and it was completely separate etc).

Any advice on how to understand this all will be really appreciated.

Thank you,

The Partner

[Spangly]

I'm sorry I can't offer advice....i'm at the same stage you are, and it's a similar story. Looking at porn, instagram plastic women, searching and adding hundreds of women on Facebook, flirtatiously messaging mutual friends through Facebook/whatsapp but have discovered attempts at trying/successfully organising hundreds of hook ups whilst in his previous 8 yr relationship and when we'd argued or fallen out. I understand how your feeling and how confused you are.