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Showing results for tags 'shame'.
I am a father and a husband, and I've been using pornography for the vast majority of my adult life. For the last five years or so I've woken up to what a horrible industry it can be and felt overwhelming guilt for the way I essentially used these people and added to the problem. I can't seem to stop though: if I'm alone my first thought is always of pornography. I hate myself so much after, I need to stop.
I finally admitted it... To my self. Probably over 10/15 years I've been struggling with sex addiction... in some way or another. But only now I'm admitting it, I guess I always thought I was just normal or just a cheat or that it was the other persons fault, not mine. I didn't want to admit it was something I was struggling with... it was the shamefulness of it all. Every time my addiction brought me to that point i had to act up on it... i felt like Jekyll & Hyde, Then just absolutely terrible after. You fall into a sudden deep pool of despair & hatred towards your self afterwards, Which I can only imagine other addicts can only understand. My current partner is the only one that is forcing me to get help.. more for me than anything else, But I feel I'm not worth it and maybe thats just the depressed side of the addiction talking. I feel I know how I feel inside, but just can't portray it on the outside.. to everyone else. I also hate talking about it as it makes it so much more real, which in hand makes me feel even more low & depressed. I know if i focus and find a way I can beat this or at least control it for a normal, happier life... I NEED too. But now more than ever for the first time.. I WANT to!. My names Darren and I'm a sex addict.
I am a Christian, I feel I have failed God many times because of a fascination with pornography which I can't seem to shake off, it usually ends in masturbation and loads of shame. At times I have despaired of myself because just when I think I've managed to kick the habit I go back to it again.