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Found 6 results

  1. Hello All, I'm new to this site and am just discovering SA as a concept after a few years of my husband surreptitiously ogling other women in my presence became too much for me to take. A few months ago he admitted the ogling was an issue, but attempted to minimise by saying such things as he was a people watcher, couldn't remember doing it etc. He didn't reach out for support because of Covid, my concern for him finding the correct counselling etc. etc, excuse, excuse. A few days ago I lost it after another episode of feeling uncomfortable while out with him and something finally clicked where he realised he was at risk of me leaving. Disclosure came in a minimalist form again, then after deep discussion/argument he admitted he has a major issue and basically is compelled to look at literally every woman (although he denies sexual gratification from this) he sees. This disclosure made me actually feel closer to him and he opened up further a few days later. So far I have: he thinks he may be bisexual as he ogles men as well as women, has had multiple one night stands with previous relationships (totally denies being unfaithful to me even online). He's also previously slept with his estranged brother's wife in the past, had sex with women he found repulsive from dating websites and very much fantasises about me with other men. He insists there isn't any other disclosure to make, but I think there may be more to come. His porn use has diminished now apparently, which I kind of believe. If there is more I desperately want him to just say it all, the idea of a drip feed of information terrifies me. We have decided to try to work through this together and he is waiting for an invitation to attend SAA. We also require couple and personal counselling, but I want to see whether he takes the initiative for this. He's always been a loving man, but has ramped up the attention he shows me. I feel as though we need a list of boundaries and rules, but don't know how to broach it or what they should be. We've already decided on code words for the ogling so I can escape humiliating situations by him changing what he is doing or responding with another code word if I was honestly mistaken that time (trying to build an honest picture of what triggers, him, me and reality). I hate feeling like his mum by giving him rules, but I need peace of mind. I was thinking: 1. Code words as discussed 2. Beginning to draft a letter of disclosure from start to finish including anything he's missed out (no matter how awful). So I'm not facing a drip effect. I would want this by the time we go away in three weeks (too soon)? 3. Complete honesty on both sides. 4. Him keeping a private diary and separate list of triggers for that day and an honest account of how he dealt with them for me to read alone each evening (would this re-trigger him)? Knowledge is everything to me and this would help me build a picture of what we're facing. 5. A weekly debrief about what is working, what isn't, feelings, any other business etc. 6. An understanding of my feelings throughout the process. 7. A vital commitment to the exploration of sex/lust in all forms as a couple only. In return I commit to: 1. Doing all I can to commit to the relationship, regardless of any harsh truths, as long as responsibility for truth and recovery is taken seriously and committed to wholeheartedly and positively. 2. To offer as much love and support as I can. 3. To respect any possible discovery of sexuality with kindness and compassion. 4. To be honest and open and respond to any questions with complete honesty (no matter how difficult this may be for me). I'm confused why I feel so much calmer and closer to my husband after disclosure, but it feels natural and right so I'm going with it. I was thinking of simply showing him this email and talking through it together. Any and all comments would be appreciated. One last thing. We have a very exciting and adventurous sex life normally and this has been even better the last few days. Is there anything that we should refrain from as he enters this journey? I'm terrified of making the situation worse. I sincerely hope that comment isn't inconsiderate to anybody. Thank you for reading. M
  2. I am addicted to phone sex and when that's not enough I go to a prostitute. My mind has recently been making weird suggestions (for me) like gay sex and cross dressing. I am in a mess...I am a 48 year old man and all this had really exploded after a horrible separation...I wish I could talk about this !!
  3. Hi everyone, I have just discovered this website and I have decided to join. I don't know how to describe my addiction and I am not even sure if it comes into the sex porn and porn addiction category. It does, however, result in the same kind of frustration and misery and fear of losing life long friends. I hope I have done the right thing by joining this group.
  4. Hi all, I don't know if i'm the only one but i'm constantly thinking of sex or thinking of touching myself to ease the urge. I am 32 average looking guy and just can't get enough of sex. I am working now thinking of it. It is becoming annoying for my wife as I want to play out all these fantasies but never have anyone who is will to try. Is there anything that I can do?
  5. Hi, After marriage I noticed that my stomach turns upside down whenever I feel empathy during or about sex. I turned to porn soon (watching porn does not require empathy) and been a porn addict for following 20 years until my wife just left me 5 month ago. Since then I have stopped watching and jerking off on porn, slowed down on alcohol (0.5-1.5 pints a day) and things are getting better. I have started to go to gym. Business is doing well. Yeah, I became a 'silent' alcoholic few years ago too, drinking 10-20 units in various alcohols 'to relax' every night while being able to work during the day at the same time. But the sex and empathy thing has not changed. When I mentioned these two words in one sentence to her last time when I dropped kids off after a weekend, she halted me. She could not listen to that either. She might have co-dependency on this. I can feel both empathy and sympathy and this problem of sex and empathy has lured over me like a scary void during our whole relationship. It grew into constant anger, denial of my and her feelings. Only recently when I started to have more time to spend alone, I started to pay attention to it and try and analyse it. I avoid and resent empathy in sex at all cost. I feel like an un-trusty oyster requiring a putty knife to pry open it. I understand a sexual dominance could be a role play but being stuck with it as I am, seems a bit odd. Although as child I was hammering toys which did not 'work as I want' against floor and was being terrified left alone even for few hours. The feeling of void about empathy in sex feels connected to fear of being left alone. But it does not make sense. When I was contemplating on the anger separately I had a vision of me tucked in a winter coat on a crisp sunny winter day out secure, calm and happy at age when I still remember adults being as giants tall as 5 story buildings with their knees at the level of your eyes. Also does not make sense. Sorry to throw this on you but where do I start? It is all like a shuttered glass in my head. She hasn't found anyone else yet. I do love her when she does not require compassion.
  6. I have come across this forum and I strongly believe it could give real help to anyone who is facing porn/sex addiction. I am a 35 year old male with a beautiful wife and two amazing kids; I have been recovering for 4 months now (cold turkey) and I would love to give something back to people experiencing a similar situation. I went through the usual features of this horrible addiction: watching porn with increased levels of "sexual intensity", looking at escorts, reduced sex drive, masturbation, family problems, the guilt, the shame, the worry of being caught, etc. As already mentioned, I decided to go cold turkey and the psychological battle, especially in the first 4 weeks was immense... I needed all my inner strength and will power to fight this battle, but I never think for one second that I have won the war. It's a long road to changing my life and I am fully aware that I can't afford any slip ups. I don't think my mind will ever be free of the urges, but they certainly are much much weaker and considerably more controllable. Being free of the guilt, shame and worry has changed my life so much... My wife and I are so much happier and I have managed to get my life back. Being on this website and identifying the problem is the first step to recovery. Please feel free to get in touch with me on this forum and I will do my best to help. I wish you the best of luck V
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