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  1. Hi. I've just signed up to this site because I don't know what else to do. My husband and I have been together since our late teens, married for thirty years. We have never had other partners. We have three children, two in their early twenties and one who is just 13. Last year I found out my husband was/is a sex addict. Things hadn't been right for a couple of years and I had been to talk to a counsellor about the fact I couldn't seem to get through to him anymore, and just didn't know what to do. He refused to come with me and said our problems were all in my head. He was distant, moody, argumentative and behaving very strangely. He's always worked away and I've always trusted him completely. I told my counsellor I knew something was going on, but my husband denied it. We had months of him 'gaslighting' me. He told me he would never cheat, loved me and the kids, was just stressed about work etc. But he changed completely from the person I knew. I began to think I was going mad, but I've known him since we were children and I just knew he was cheating. I asked him a few times when he got home at the weekends, but it just led to arguments. On our son's 21st Birthday party evening, when the last guests had left and my husband wasn't expecting any confrontation, I quietly asked him what we were going to do about his cheating. He looked horrified, then burst into tears. In brief he has been using porn daily, a lot, for over two years. In the last six to nine months before he admitted anything to me he had been using prostitutes. At the time he said this wasn't cheating as it was only for hand jobs. We separated for ten months. We told the older children he'd had a one night stand, and the youngest that we just needed a break whilst Daddy got over some work problems. We have now jointly been seeing my counsellor (and he has realised that hand jobs are cheating). He has also seen his own addiction counsellor and joined a 12 step programme. He moved back in at the beginning of lockdown, party because he was desperate to come back and as he was making good progress on the 12 step I said it was ok, and partly because our - then - 12 year old didn't understand why he couldn't come back and was already distressed about the lockdown and all that involved and was desperate for us to be 'normal' again. Six months later and I am really struggling. My husband has done really well with his therapy, is far along the 12 step path, and has regular meetings (now just by phone) twice a week to keep him well. He has explained it is an illness, that he is getting better and will never go back to those behaviours again. I believe him. He was suicidal when he realised he was addicted. We sat down months ago and I asked everything I felt I needed to know and he was very honest. But we both agreed that once we'd covered everything I wanted we'd not bring it up again as it's upsetting for us both. The problem is now. Things just aren't the same as before. Although I trust him again, I can't get over the months and months of lying. It was so easy to him. Even when he was making me feel like I was insane. Also the sourcing and visiting prostitutes still makes me feel physically sick. The images in my head won't go away. I cannot accept this is the same man I married and have known for over 40 years. I can't talk to anyone other than our counsellor and that is difficult as everything has to be done via Zoom or phone now. She is focussing on our future, both she and my husband think that is what we need to do, but I am still hurting. Is this normal? As my husband is making such good progress I don't want to 'spoil' that. He has managed to deal with his demons and put his problems in the past. He says he feels lighter and happier than he has done in years. I don't. I feel like I'm trying to play catch up, but still drowning. I can't tell my family, they would be too shocked. My parents are in their eighties. I can't tell any friends. No-one would understand the extremes of emotions I'm feeling, and to be honest, I don't think even my closest friend would be able to resist telling other people. I can't risk the kids finding out. I feel stuck, lonely, unhappy and I'm sorry for rambling, but I just don't know who else to turn to. Thanks if you've read this. Sorry it's so long.
  2. Hello, In my teenage years and early twenties I developed a compulsive behaviour whereby I used porn and dating apps simultaneously, using the former as a kind of arousal 'fuel', with the latter providing a slot machine style reward. I am now in my mid-twenties and in a healthy relationship, but wanted to share this as it may be helpful for other people who have combined dating apps and porn in compulsive behaviour. After watching the Social Dilemma on Netflix recently - it's great - I thought a lot about how dating apps are engineered and the expensive UX testing to ensure users remain on them for as long as possible. These apps are designed for profit, not user welfare. Various apps make it a longwinded process to delete them, and I found myself in a constant cycle of deleting and reinstalling the apps. Finally, it's worth mentioning that I would not have used either porn or dating apps as compulsively as I did - often staying up most of the night - in isolation of the other. I never watched porn all night or used dating apps all night on their own. It was the combination of both that seemed the formula of my compulsive behaviour. After contacting a popular mental health charity about my behaviour, I was told that porn was not something they had any support in place for, and sent me links to various places including Laurel Centre. While I bare no grudge of this, I think it shows that our more holistic mental health services don't really have dating apps and porn high on their radar. As mentioned, I wanted to put this out there in case others had experienced any compulsive behaviour linked to both porn and dating apps. Thanks!
  3. Firefly, I've only been on this forum a couple of days and haven't had time to read much, but I've just seen a post you made a couple of months ago where you say: Why did I still do it? Well each fix led me to more shame, remorse, self-loathing and feeling that everyone would be better off without me around. This is almost exactly something my husband has said to me. When I said I didn't' understand, he said it got to the stage where if he didn't get his fix, he would have committed suicide because of the demons in his head. I'm trying so hard to understand this. You seem to have been in a similar situation where you had two separate lives going and compartmentalised each. Do you mind if I ask you a few question? Please don't answer if this will trigger you in any way. A) Firstly, when I trusted my instincts and absolutely knew my husband was cheating in some way, I offered to have counselling with him - both jointly and separately - but he refused for a long time, still saying that it was all in my head and that I was ruining our marriage with my imagination. He watched me spiral into depression believing I was going mad. Why would he do that when it was obvious I knew and offered to help him? B) Also, we were still having a sex life, but he kept shouting that it wasn't enough and saying he needed more and 'wasn't a monk' no matter how frequently we had sex. (Although I must admit that near the disclosure and subsequent separation I'd really gone off him as a person because of his persistent lying and terrible moods, so it probably became obvious I wasn't really keen). C) How can you have over thirty years of intimacy with one person and then have an alternative sex life with strangers going on at the same time? I may sound - and probably am - very naive, but it makes no sense. Thank you for being so candid in some of your other posts, that's why I feel I can ask. Take care x
  4. A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it. My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person. A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience. However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it. I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful? Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying. If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.
  5. Hi I'm pretty sure my partner was/is a sex addict but he's heavily in denial. He was sleeping with prostitutes for 4 years (he says it stopped when we got together) multiple women, would watch porn, followed hundreds of sexual accounts on Instagram, related everything to sex, was very sexual, almost struggled to control himself with me at times. Like he couldn't touch me without wanting to sleep with me. All this has stopped now. But he won't admit he was or still is an addict. We went to a professional who told us he was emotionally soothing himself with this behaviour. It was impulsive, compulsive and addictive behaviour he couldn't control. Her words. We didn't go back to her, he didn't see the need. To me that is indicative of an addiction. Is he still an addict if he doesn't do that stuff now? He has lied so many times, the truth of it all didn't come out for a while. This has been going on for the whole 3 years, we've been together. I think he's in denial. He will not accept the term sex addict. I'm losing my mind. I have noticed a definite change in how he is but I'm terrified it may come back. He hurt me so much and disgusted me so much. I'm so resentful. I feel like he needs to delve deeper into this to get answers. Thank you xxxx
  6. Episode 2 of the BBC3 series Porn Laid Bare Touring porn sets in Spain the group have seen what the adult film industry means for producers and performers – good and bad - but now it’s time to reflect on themselves and consider the impact that porn is having on their life, their relationships, and on wider society. The group explore questions including how porn effects the brain, how it shapes our views of our own and others’ bodies, how it shapes societal attitudes towards racial groups, women and our understanding of sexuality, and asks if porn addiction is becoming a problem amongst heavy users. .
  7. Hi all I'm a long time addict of porn addiction, my acting out has included chat sites porn sites etc, last week my wife discovered I had been online again viewing porn, she told me if it happened again we was finished, of course I'm devastated losing the women I love but I'm faced with the reality I need to recover. I've been an addict from the age of 11 I'm now 45, in the past I got into trouble with the police for my addiction, thankfully I didn't go to prison but I do have a record, I've recently rejoined Sexaholics Anonymous I was a member of them 6 years ago but drifted away thinking I was now in control, I'm hoping to start attending their meetings next week and start my 12 steps again, apart from the actions I've taken I was wondering if their was anymore advice you could suggest that would help in my recovery.
  8. Found this discussion on masturbation just now and I feel more motivated to be a fapstronaut.Not everyone has what it takes and they did cover NoFap and the effects of Porn consumption but it takes commitment to overcome an addiction https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhkqnmLRTIw&t=5s I liked how they were lighthearted towards it all I found I was too serious but now that i'm not I feel better! I believe I can do it and you should too. It is pretty funny but it made me really think about where the world is heading for us as men if we are unable to overcome our addictions You can do it too :) Hope this helps!!
  9. I am a father and a husband, and I've been using pornography for the vast majority of my adult life. For the last five years or so I've woken up to what a horrible industry it can be and felt overwhelming guilt for the way I essentially used these people and added to the problem. I can't seem to stop though: if I'm alone my first thought is always of pornography. I hate myself so much after, I need to stop.
  10. Hi everyone, I have just discovered this website and I have decided to join. I don't know how to describe my addiction and I am not even sure if it comes into the sex porn and porn addiction category. It does, however, result in the same kind of frustration and misery and fear of losing life long friends. I hope I have done the right thing by joining this group.
  11. Hi, After marriage I noticed that my stomach turns upside down whenever I feel empathy during or about sex. I turned to porn soon (watching porn does not require empathy) and been a porn addict for following 20 years until my wife just left me 5 month ago. Since then I have stopped watching and jerking off on porn, slowed down on alcohol (0.5-1.5 pints a day) and things are getting better. I have started to go to gym. Business is doing well. Yeah, I became a 'silent' alcoholic few years ago too, drinking 10-20 units in various alcohols 'to relax' every night while being able to work during the day at the same time. But the sex and empathy thing has not changed. When I mentioned these two words in one sentence to her last time when I dropped kids off after a weekend, she halted me. She could not listen to that either. She might have co-dependency on this. I can feel both empathy and sympathy and this problem of sex and empathy has lured over me like a scary void during our whole relationship. It grew into constant anger, denial of my and her feelings. Only recently when I started to have more time to spend alone, I started to pay attention to it and try and analyse it. I avoid and resent empathy in sex at all cost. I feel like an un-trusty oyster requiring a putty knife to pry open it. I understand a sexual dominance could be a role play but being stuck with it as I am, seems a bit odd. Although as child I was hammering toys which did not 'work as I want' against floor and was being terrified left alone even for few hours. The feeling of void about empathy in sex feels connected to fear of being left alone. But it does not make sense. When I was contemplating on the anger separately I had a vision of me tucked in a winter coat on a crisp sunny winter day out secure, calm and happy at age when I still remember adults being as giants tall as 5 story buildings with their knees at the level of your eyes. Also does not make sense. Sorry to throw this on you but where do I start? It is all like a shuttered glass in my head. She hasn't found anyone else yet. I do love her when she does not require compassion.
  12. Hello Im glad to find this place. I've read a few posts, watched a few videos and just deleted all of my porn. Ive been through this routine many times now, and failed many times. Im in my mid forties and my porn addiction has been around for some 30 years. It has definitely intensified in the last 4 years or so, and I keep telling myself I really need help. I need to stop, but seem to fail so easily. So, Ive decided I need to reach out to someone. Clearly, doing this alone will not work for me; I'm finally accepting that now. Ideally, I'd like to attend the therapy sessions in London, but I simply cannot afford it, being on a low income. Although I'm not so far away in Brighton, I couldn't even manage the return train fare to get to the sessions to begin with. Is anyone out there aware of anything similar thats available in the Brighton area? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks
  13. Hi, I have come to the conclusion at the age of 46, I am a bit compulsive; not just about Porn but other stuff too. There's defiantly a bit of OCD going on ! Anyway, relating to Porn, I watch it for an hr or so in the evenings or on a lazy Sat morning. Ive never been in a chat room, nor do i download/pay for images,but what worries me are things; Firstly, on some sites including Twitter, there is a bit of underage sex going on. I want to make this clear that I have no interest in this, but, sometimes, it does come up and this makes me even more guilty than ever. Point 2, (call me paranoid) but since Nov 2016 the UK Govt. brought out the 'Snoopers Charter' which basically gives the Police/security services etc. the right to look at everyone's internet browsing history this really worries me too & I find myself feeling v paranoid & expecting a visit from the Police. Am I being over anxious? Id appreciate your thoughts. Thanks Ben
  14. I am a Christian, I feel I have failed God many times because of a fascination with pornography which I can't seem to shake off, it usually ends in masturbation and loads of shame. At times I have despaired of myself because just when I think I've managed to kick the habit I go back to it again.
  15. I have come across this forum and I strongly believe it could give real help to anyone who is facing porn/sex addiction. I am a 35 year old male with a beautiful wife and two amazing kids; I have been recovering for 4 months now (cold turkey) and I would love to give something back to people experiencing a similar situation. I went through the usual features of this horrible addiction: watching porn with increased levels of "sexual intensity", looking at escorts, reduced sex drive, masturbation, family problems, the guilt, the shame, the worry of being caught, etc. As already mentioned, I decided to go cold turkey and the psychological battle, especially in the first 4 weeks was immense... I needed all my inner strength and will power to fight this battle, but I never think for one second that I have won the war. It's a long road to changing my life and I am fully aware that I can't afford any slip ups. I don't think my mind will ever be free of the urges, but they certainly are much much weaker and considerably more controllable. Being free of the guilt, shame and worry has changed my life so much... My wife and I are so much happier and I have managed to get my life back. Being on this website and identifying the problem is the first step to recovery. Please feel free to get in touch with me on this forum and I will do my best to help. I wish you the best of luck V
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