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  1. Hi. I've just signed up to this site because I don't know what else to do. My husband and I have been together since our late teens, married for thirty years. We have never had other partners. We have three children, two in their early twenties and one who is just 13. Last year I found out my husband was/is a sex addict. Things hadn't been right for a couple of years and I had been to talk to a counsellor about the fact I couldn't seem to get through to him anymore, and just didn't know what to do. He refused to come with me and said our problems were all in my head. He was distant, moody, argumentative and behaving very strangely. He's always worked away and I've always trusted him completely. I told my counsellor I knew something was going on, but my husband denied it. We had months of him 'gaslighting' me. He told me he would never cheat, loved me and the kids, was just stressed about work etc. But he changed completely from the person I knew. I began to think I was going mad, but I've known him since we were children and I just knew he was cheating. I asked him a few times when he got home at the weekends, but it just led to arguments. On our son's 21st Birthday party evening, when the last guests had left and my husband wasn't expecting any confrontation, I quietly asked him what we were going to do about his cheating. He looked horrified, then burst into tears. In brief he has been using porn daily, a lot, for over two years. In the last six to nine months before he admitted anything to me he had been using prostitutes. At the time he said this wasn't cheating as it was only for hand jobs. We separated for ten months. We told the older children he'd had a one night stand, and the youngest that we just needed a break whilst Daddy got over some work problems. We have now jointly been seeing my counsellor (and he has realised that hand jobs are cheating). He has also seen his own addiction counsellor and joined a 12 step programme. He moved back in at the beginning of lockdown, party because he was desperate to come back and as he was making good progress on the 12 step I said it was ok, and partly because our - then - 12 year old didn't understand why he couldn't come back and was already distressed about the lockdown and all that involved and was desperate for us to be 'normal' again. Six months later and I am really struggling. My husband has done really well with his therapy, is far along the 12 step path, and has regular meetings (now just by phone) twice a week to keep him well. He has explained it is an illness, that he is getting better and will never go back to those behaviours again. I believe him. He was suicidal when he realised he was addicted. We sat down months ago and I asked everything I felt I needed to know and he was very honest. But we both agreed that once we'd covered everything I wanted we'd not bring it up again as it's upsetting for us both. The problem is now. Things just aren't the same as before. Although I trust him again, I can't get over the months and months of lying. It was so easy to him. Even when he was making me feel like I was insane. Also the sourcing and visiting prostitutes still makes me feel physically sick. The images in my head won't go away. I cannot accept this is the same man I married and have known for over 40 years. I can't talk to anyone other than our counsellor and that is difficult as everything has to be done via Zoom or phone now. She is focussing on our future, both she and my husband think that is what we need to do, but I am still hurting. Is this normal? As my husband is making such good progress I don't want to 'spoil' that. He has managed to deal with his demons and put his problems in the past. He says he feels lighter and happier than he has done in years. I don't. I feel like I'm trying to play catch up, but still drowning. I can't tell my family, they would be too shocked. My parents are in their eighties. I can't tell any friends. No-one would understand the extremes of emotions I'm feeling, and to be honest, I don't think even my closest friend would be able to resist telling other people. I can't risk the kids finding out. I feel stuck, lonely, unhappy and I'm sorry for rambling, but I just don't know who else to turn to. Thanks if you've read this. Sorry it's so long.
  2. Firefly, I've only been on this forum a couple of days and haven't had time to read much, but I've just seen a post you made a couple of months ago where you say: Why did I still do it? Well each fix led me to more shame, remorse, self-loathing and feeling that everyone would be better off without me around. This is almost exactly something my husband has said to me. When I said I didn't' understand, he said it got to the stage where if he didn't get his fix, he would have committed suicide because of the demons in his head. I'm trying so hard to understand this. You seem to have been in a similar situation where you had two separate lives going and compartmentalised each. Do you mind if I ask you a few question? Please don't answer if this will trigger you in any way. A) Firstly, when I trusted my instincts and absolutely knew my husband was cheating in some way, I offered to have counselling with him - both jointly and separately - but he refused for a long time, still saying that it was all in my head and that I was ruining our marriage with my imagination. He watched me spiral into depression believing I was going mad. Why would he do that when it was obvious I knew and offered to help him? B) Also, we were still having a sex life, but he kept shouting that it wasn't enough and saying he needed more and 'wasn't a monk' no matter how frequently we had sex. (Although I must admit that near the disclosure and subsequent separation I'd really gone off him as a person because of his persistent lying and terrible moods, so it probably became obvious I wasn't really keen). C) How can you have over thirty years of intimacy with one person and then have an alternative sex life with strangers going on at the same time? I may sound - and probably am - very naive, but it makes no sense. Thank you for being so candid in some of your other posts, that's why I feel I can ask. Take care x
  3. Ginny

    Kick Start Workshop

    until
    This 3 hour workshop delivered via zoom is suitable for anyone struggling with damaging sexual behaviours who wants a quick solution to understanding their problem and knowing how to overcome it. The workshop provides all the information and tools required to help you identify if you do have an addiction and understand the problem from a biological as well as a psychological perspective. The six-phase cycle of addiction will be introduced along with strategies for how to stop it. The stages of recovery will be fully explained and space provided to begin a recovery plan. By the end of the day you will be able to:- Confirm if you're addicted to sex or porn Understand addiction from biological and psychological perspective Recognise your own individual cycle of addiction Appreciate what full recovery means and how it’s achieved Consider a recovery path and plan Groups are completely confidential and anonymous and only first names will be used. Group size is limited to a maximum of 12 same-sex attendees with Q&A in smaller groups. The workshop runs from 2.00 pm to 5.00 pm on a Friday and is facilitated by Paula Hall. Please note, bookings are non-refundable.
  4. until
    Every Tuesday evening from 17th November for 7 weeks and one full day on Saturday 5th December - 10 am to 5 pm This recovery course takes the key elements of the London Intensive and combines them with the knowledge and experience we’ve gained from years of delivering group work recovery online. The course is an online virtual recovery group which is delivered via the Zoom video conferencing platform. It provides practical information and resources for stopping unwanted behaviours and developing long term relapse prevention strategies. The programme is both educational and practical and utilises both Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and psycho-educational strategies. The programme also provides a supportive online group environment to help overcome feelings of embarrassment and isolation and to facilitate a long-term accountability network. By the end of the course, attendees will be able to: Define positive sexuality and establish sexual boundaries Recognise and manage triggers Identify underlying contributing issues Establish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recovery Identify and overcome potential future blocks to recovery Develop long term strategies for re-establishing a positive sexual lifestyle Create a vision for the future and a personalised relapse prevention plan The course consists of 7 x 2 hour sessions plus one full day on either a Saturday or Sunday. It is delivered as both a weekly and an intensive two weekly format with homework assignments to complete between sessions. Attendance at each session is required and the course is strictly limited to a maximum of 6 men. Session 7 is our follow-up evaluation session which is provided approximately 4 weeks after session 7. All attendees are required to attend the Kick Start Recovery Workshop before attendance and undertake a brief initial assessment to confirm the programme is appropriate for their individual needs and circumstances and also to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost for the course is £825 which can be paid in instalments if required. Programme Session 1: Welcome and introductions Session 2: Personalising the Cycle of Addiction Session 3: Identifying deeper unresolved issues Full day: Sharing insights Session 4: Vision and values Session 5: Relapse prevention Session 6: Developing a recovery plan Session 7: Evaluating the journey NB: This programme is not suitable for people with offending behaviours .
  5. until
    Every Monday evening from 26th October for 7 weeks and one full day on Saturday 14th November - 10 am to 5 pm This recovery course takes the key elements of the London Intensive and combines them with the knowledge and experience we’ve gained from years of delivering group work recovery online. The course is an online virtual recovery group which is delivered via the Zoom video conferencing platform. It provides practical information and resources for stopping unwanted behaviours and developing long term relapse prevention strategies. The programme is both educational and practical and utilises both Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and psycho-educational strategies. The programme also provides a supportive online group environment to help overcome feelings of embarrassment and isolation and to facilitate a long-term accountability network. By the end of the course, attendees will be able to: Define positive sexuality and establish sexual boundaries Recognise and manage triggers Identify underlying contributing issues Establish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recovery Identify and overcome potential future blocks to recovery Develop long term strategies for re-establishing a positive sexual lifestyle Create a vision for the future and a personalised relapse prevention plan The course consists of 7 x 2 hour sessions plus one full day on either a Saturday or Sunday. It is delivered as both a weekly and an intensive two weekly format with homework assignments to complete between sessions. Attendance at each session is required and the course is strictly limited to a maximum of 6 men. Session 7 is our follow-up evaluation session which is provided approximately 4 weeks after session 7. All attendees are required to attend the Kick Start Recovery Workshop before attendance and undertake a brief initial assessment to confirm the programme is appropriate for their individual needs and circumstances and also to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost for the course is £825 which can be paid in instalments if required. Programme Session 1: Welcome and introductions Session 2: Personalising the Cycle of Addiction Session 3: Identifying deeper unresolved issues Full day: Sharing insights Session 4: Vision and values Session 5: Relapse prevention Session 6: Developing a recovery plan Session 7: Evaluating the journey NB: This programme is not suitable for people with offending behaviours .
  6. I have been with a sex addict for 15 years but only really arrived at the conclusion in the past few weeks. There have been many discovered infidelities and bad habits (websites, sexting, meeting for sex). When found out I have confronted my partner but only got truth in respect of that particular girl. The true scale has only come to light in the past few weeks that this has been a systemic problem for our entire relationship and he has slept with more than 20 girls. For the past 3 years the key addiction behaviour has stopped and he hasn't been on dating sites etc and has felt better however he has recognised that in times of low mood/depression he will seek out old flames from that time and pursue validation from them to feel better and ends up sleeping with them and returns to the addictive behaviour for a period of a few weeks/months. He knows he needs to break the cycle and has managed with some behaviours on his own but is now seeking help from a 12 step programme and hopefully a counsellor after this lockdown. We are very early stages so he is commited to the meetings and is in the mindset that he wants to get better and will do whatever it takes. Issue: My issue is how do i cope? I am trying desperately to understand but I'm so hurt and pained by the scale and lengths of his deception. The last infidelity was with a family friend who we seen quite a lot which has made his fantasy world seem like it has crossed into our real lives. He admits these girls are an escape and he doesn't see it as real. In his head she is just like the others but for me she symbolises much more. I haven't began to think about our long term relationship as I have said at the moment we both just need help to get through this and can then evaluate where we are at. At the moment I am getting drip disclosures (Which I'm grateful for in some respects as he is finally admitting the truth) but its hard when the drip disclosures contradict things he has said in the weeks/days before. Just as I feel like I'm drawing a line to start dealing with it more stuff comes out. He's also admitted there is more stuff but he's not quite ready to reveal all yet as he doesn't want to hurt me (which they do each time). I've tried to say it hurts more in this way and i would prefer for him ti just say it all but he's just not ready. It's torture. Is anyone else in this boat and does it get better???? I am fearful this is pushing me further away and I just don't have the strength to continue on this path of support and cleansing.
  7. A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it. My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person. A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience. However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it. I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful? Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying. If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.
  8. The Royal Society for Public Health (RSPH) is an independent health education charity and the world’s longest-established public health body. Each year they host a challenge to encourage people to try going a month without using social media. Why not go #ScrollFree? Scroll Free With its almost universal reach and unprecedented ability to connect people from all walks of life, social media holds great potential to support good mental health and wellbeing. It has revolutionised the way we communicate and share information. But have you ever thought about your relationship with social media? Maybe it’s starting to have a negative impact on your life? By going Scroll Free for a month, you’ll have a chance to reflect on your social media use – what you missed, what you didn’t, and what you got to do and enjoy instead. Scroll Free
  9. My husband has been seeing escorts for years, before we got together. I found out 3 years ago, and at that point my husband was filled with remorse & desperate to change. He went to therapy, we talked a lot & after a year he seemed to have turned a page. Earlier this year he told me he misses it & doesn’t want to go back to therapy. He’s tried to dress it up as him being polyamorous & not suited to monogamy, but based on him using prostitutes & the things he’s said in the past, I don’t believe that to be true. I only agreed to stay with him when I found out because he was so convincing that he wanted to change, now I feel like I’ve used up all of my anger & am just burnt out & reluctantly accepting that this is my marriage & life now. We have a child together so that has a strong bearing on the situation, he’s a brilliant dad & I didn’t want my child to go through a divorce with us. I do love him, but I worry I’m going to grow bitter & resentful. I also have lost respect for myself, and him. I don’t know the point of this post really, I guess it’s just to get out there how I’m feeling & wonder if any addicts or wives of addicts have any insight into this, someone who has accepted their addiction & refuses to see it as a problem?
  10. Hi all I'm a long time addict of porn addiction, my acting out has included chat sites porn sites etc, last week my wife discovered I had been online again viewing porn, she told me if it happened again we was finished, of course I'm devastated losing the women I love but I'm faced with the reality I need to recover. I've been an addict from the age of 11 I'm now 45, in the past I got into trouble with the police for my addiction, thankfully I didn't go to prison but I do have a record, I've recently rejoined Sexaholics Anonymous I was a member of them 6 years ago but drifted away thinking I was now in control, I'm hoping to start attending their meetings next week and start my 12 steps again, apart from the actions I've taken I was wondering if their was anymore advice you could suggest that would help in my recovery.
  11. Hello,I'm P. I am 42 years old and married with 3 beautiful children.It is Saturday the 3rd March and I am sat at my parent’s house.On Monday 19th February my world collapsed when I was on my way home from work and I had a call from my wife. “The police are here. I’m scared. What’s going on?”I knew what was going on. My sex and porn addiction had gone too far and now the real world was going to find out about it.My computers, hard drive, usb drives and mobile phone were seized. I was arrested for possessing illegal pornography, cautioned and interviewed at the police station. I spent time in a police cell, trying to avoid descending into a panic attack.The duty solicitor arrived and explained the situation to me. On his advice I answered “No comment” to all of the questions asked. I was released under investigation and went home. That was the last time I was home, other than for an hour during the day a couple of days later to collect some things. My wife was devastated and appalled at what I had done and told me to leave.Night #1 was too late to get a hotel and I slept in the car near my place of work. That Tuesday was a blur, but I managed to book a hotel for the following 3 nights so I had somewhere to stay. I had an email from my Sister late that night. My wife had called her to say what had happened; she felt she had no one else to turn to. She didn’t – and still hasn’t – told anyone from her family or friends. My Sister said that I am her brother and that she loves me and would not abandon me. Last Saturday I travelled to my parent’s town. My Sister helped me go to them, tell them what I had done. I could not look at anyone at all. I was so ashamed; I begged them no to abandon my wife and children and to help them all they could.I have spoken to a charity dedicated to stopping the illegality I committed. They have started me on a journey at really looking at myself; understanding the influences that caused me to do what I did. Since speaking to them for a 2nd time I have started to think about the addictions and behaviours that I have had, probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.It is all compulsive; page 3 cut-outs, then soft magazines, harder magazines, vhs videos, taking photos of myself, looking at males as well as females, starting to cross dress, personal sex advert magazines. The beginning of the internet didn’t help as I suddenly had access to more material than I ever could imagine from magazines. Always seeking new sites, ways to bulk download, ways to start talking with other people, seeking the interaction through meeting other guys for sex, buying used underwear, buying bespoke porn pics and videos from those willing to do them, cross dressing, buying sex toys for masturbation, on to using escorts and finally, shamefully, crossing a line and looking at illegal things.I am now not at the family home. I am staying with parents and lodging at B&Bs. I have crushed my wife, she hates me for what I have done. She is now struggling with our 15 year old son and 14 month old twin girls. She goes to work early and it was my job to look after them until school & nursery. There is no one to help at the moment.I feel sick. Last week I seriously considered suicide. It was horrible. My brain would not stop. I was thinking exactly how I would do it, how I would get financial affairs in order first, where I would do it, the letters I would write to my beautiful wife and children and what photographs of them I would surround myself with.This low is horrible. I am lucky; my Sister and parents have not abandoned me and my wife is still responding to emails and texts, even though they tell me of how she hates me, is betrayed, cannot cope and is terrified that Children’s Services will take away the children.All of this has come about because I have never been able to say that I am addicted to porn and sex. At the moment I have gone 12 days without looking at pornography. I have contacted Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous; they have all invited me to meetings which I will go to. I want to get rid of this evil shroud that coated me. I want to see my children and to rebuild trust from my wife, parents and Sister.I am ashamed, unhappy and scared. I hope there is a future where I am able to deal with my addictions, help others before it is too late for them and one day, look my wife in the eyes again. I love her so much.
  12. A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it. My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person. A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience. However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it. I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful? Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying. If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.
  13. I am a Christian with a physical disability, I'm single and never had sex. I am unable to get out on my own. I am ashamed of myself I keep repenting but keep falling into the same trap of looking at sexual content on the internet, being aroused and masturbating, Then I feel really guilty. I think the main reason I do this is for comfort. Unable to talk to anyone about this.
  14. Hi everyone, I have just discovered this website and I have decided to join. I don't know how to describe my addiction and I am not even sure if it comes into the sex porn and porn addiction category. It does, however, result in the same kind of frustration and misery and fear of losing life long friends. I hope I have done the right thing by joining this group.
  15. Hi all, I don't know if i'm the only one but i'm constantly thinking of sex or thinking of touching myself to ease the urge. I am 32 average looking guy and just can't get enough of sex. I am working now thinking of it. It is becoming annoying for my wife as I want to play out all these fantasies but never have anyone who is will to try. Is there anything that I can do?
  16. Hi, After marriage I noticed that my stomach turns upside down whenever I feel empathy during or about sex. I turned to porn soon (watching porn does not require empathy) and been a porn addict for following 20 years until my wife just left me 5 month ago. Since then I have stopped watching and jerking off on porn, slowed down on alcohol (0.5-1.5 pints a day) and things are getting better. I have started to go to gym. Business is doing well. Yeah, I became a 'silent' alcoholic few years ago too, drinking 10-20 units in various alcohols 'to relax' every night while being able to work during the day at the same time. But the sex and empathy thing has not changed. When I mentioned these two words in one sentence to her last time when I dropped kids off after a weekend, she halted me. She could not listen to that either. She might have co-dependency on this. I can feel both empathy and sympathy and this problem of sex and empathy has lured over me like a scary void during our whole relationship. It grew into constant anger, denial of my and her feelings. Only recently when I started to have more time to spend alone, I started to pay attention to it and try and analyse it. I avoid and resent empathy in sex at all cost. I feel like an un-trusty oyster requiring a putty knife to pry open it. I understand a sexual dominance could be a role play but being stuck with it as I am, seems a bit odd. Although as child I was hammering toys which did not 'work as I want' against floor and was being terrified left alone even for few hours. The feeling of void about empathy in sex feels connected to fear of being left alone. But it does not make sense. When I was contemplating on the anger separately I had a vision of me tucked in a winter coat on a crisp sunny winter day out secure, calm and happy at age when I still remember adults being as giants tall as 5 story buildings with their knees at the level of your eyes. Also does not make sense. Sorry to throw this on you but where do I start? It is all like a shuttered glass in my head. She hasn't found anyone else yet. I do love her when she does not require compassion.
  17. I have come across this forum and I strongly believe it could give real help to anyone who is facing porn/sex addiction. I am a 35 year old male with a beautiful wife and two amazing kids; I have been recovering for 4 months now (cold turkey) and I would love to give something back to people experiencing a similar situation. I went through the usual features of this horrible addiction: watching porn with increased levels of "sexual intensity", looking at escorts, reduced sex drive, masturbation, family problems, the guilt, the shame, the worry of being caught, etc. As already mentioned, I decided to go cold turkey and the psychological battle, especially in the first 4 weeks was immense... I needed all my inner strength and will power to fight this battle, but I never think for one second that I have won the war. It's a long road to changing my life and I am fully aware that I can't afford any slip ups. I don't think my mind will ever be free of the urges, but they certainly are much much weaker and considerably more controllable. Being free of the guilt, shame and worry has changed my life so much... My wife and I are so much happier and I have managed to get my life back. Being on this website and identifying the problem is the first step to recovery. Please feel free to get in touch with me on this forum and I will do my best to help. I wish you the best of luck V
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