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Hanna

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  1. Prue I am so sorry you are going through this, unfortunately when thy are in addictive stage they are very selfish. I assume its to do with fear of not being able to cope without their fix, shame that its come out and eventually denial. All addicts are different some get help, some think they can cure themselves, some are too proud to get help. It is devastating for partners and I am sure for the addicts themselves but we are only guessing as it very rare to have an ex addict to answer questions. Oh if that was only possible I thanks PJ for his honesty and so wish more would come forward but they dont, again the shame I think. They do blame the partner as its easier to deflect and not take responsibility but do they ever regret, I dont know especially when they leave the relationship, again ex addicts would be helpful in providing this information. I do know you must take care of yourself first and its hard as you are dealing with the shock, grief, feelings of abandonment, not good enough etc and the loss of the future you thought you had. There is a secret facebook page XXXposed Hearts which supports partners and helps with issues you may be feeling - its certainly very useful and will give you a forum to discuss with other partners. Pm me if you need to chat
  2. Hi ladies Are you aware that there is a secret Facebook page for partners of SA / porn addiction etc - you have to request access and wait for response but if you want details please Pm me. There is also another site called Sisters of Support - its American and gives a pretty grim picture but there are some recovery stories - google it! Angel thanks you for your frank and honest response
  3. You could also read as many books as you can - they say Russel brand is good but i have not read but did read Gary Wilson - your brain on porn , very good, pity my husband would not read before we split.
  4. Hi have you tried the following Emergency NoFap - A useful quick inspirational site when you're feeling triggered or tempted to remind you why you're becoming a better man. Your Brain On Porn - Huge website containing many resources to educate yourself about the effect of porn on the brain and to get help. Reboot Nation - Gabe Deem's website containing another great set of resources and a forum. Recovery Nation - Free self-help website for sex addicts, love addicts and porn addicts.
  5. Hi I guess this is a question for Paula and her team but hopefully the answer will help both those with addictions and their family members. Long story short, I separated from my about 2 months ago I am not in contact as we know we were triggering each other but eventually we will have to talk. Previously my husband agreed to go for treatment at my insistence then dropped out due to car accident, them went fully into his addictions again but refusing treatment. I dont know if that stance will continue and to be fair to me I need the space from the crazy to heal myself. However if the day ever comes when we do talk about it again and he does decide to get help I am not sure where to start. I have read so much and can identify my husband with multiple addictions including porn, SA, computer games, speed (hence is accident), religion etc etc but he also has OCD tendencies perhaps AHDD. From what he has said of childhood ( came from a very closed religious environment, he had to support family at very young age - sent away to work in a very different cultural environment with lots of sexual opportunities etc) so lots of trauma and maybe more. I dont have the full history but I know he had problems at school was always naughty and ashamed of how poor family where, so lots going on. So my question is if he ever asks for help where would he start, how would he get full assessment if potential mental health need and so many different addictions, it all feels a little chicken and egg. I know its not my place to tell him to get better but if he ever asks I would like something in my tool kit so to speak. We did go to GP who basically said its something you will grow out of, which is a bit alarming so would not want to use that as an access point again. Where would he start?
  6. Hi I have a similar situation I told my husband I did not want a marriage like this to which he replied "you have to accept me as i am" (that being both sex addict, porn addict and other multiple addictions. I replied no I dont you need help, he said well we will get divorced so i said yes ok. We were in the process of selling our house (two weeks off completion) I said he could take anything he needed. He said he never married to get divorced... he asked for it ?? We had a flat we were buying as a stop gap ( in my name), I said I would pay it off he could have it as his settlement. He took everything he wanted, I rented a flat but 3 days before completion of sale it looked as if it was not going through. My husband was telling me he was 'not doing anything' but his actions and total dissociation said differently. Whilst I was talking to agent about possible sale not going ahead he was on computer looking for new office desk and book case, he never commented on sale issue but asked which desk he should have and complained i was not helping him enough!! What planet is he on. He booked to go see his family the day after the initial completion date ( to be fair this date was set for family event) so he moved out one night came home next night then moved out for 2 days. The last time he came to the house I gave him remainder of his paperwork and told him to pick any photos he wanted, He finally asked what was happening with sale but I still was not sure so he left it that. He never asked what I would do if it fell through etc I then asked "what happened to the man i married" - at that point he dashed out with tears running down his face. He sat in his car outside and then text me to say 'sorry could not talk the pain was too much to bear xx' I finally sold the house but we agreed that after selling I would pay flat off and put in his name only and I would keep remainder. Well I never heard from him but had text 2 days ago ( which is now 6 weeks period) saying he hoped I was well and could I email copy of agreement we made (re flat and house sale monies) and let me know where we are at, thank you. its mixed messages and all about him i think. I have not replied as yet as not really sure how to reply. But i do know if he does not get support I cant live with him, yes I love him but I dont like him in addict mode as he is immature ans selfish as they all are. Like you he has told his family and friends, no one has contacted me because they dont see it, he seems so normal to everyone else. I dont know if he wanted a divorce or it was just another manipulation, I did not want divorce but without recovery i am better off without him even though it brakes my heart. I too worried at first what will become of him but its his choice he knows he has multiple addictions but seems to wear it a badge to allow his bad behavior which i think is extensive but never got full disclosure. As the weeks go by my stress is going down slowly and I am in therapy myself so taking one day at a time and will see what happens if anything, time does allow anxiety to drop a little and yes it is worrying when they are so emotionally immature how they will mange but they have to grow up. However its interesting that most sites/posts relating to addicts say they tend to stay with primary partner so not sure what makes an addict finally go maybe because they enjoy the addiction or are too afraid to give it up and know we have finally seen the other side of them. None of those options give me much comfort because that translates as they prefer their addiction over you or they dont trust you enough to go through the recovery process or the constant battle in the relationship causes too much guilt or gets in the way of the addiction. And finally yes it hurts but without any form of recovery the hurt will only get worse so again one day at a time, its his choice and you must take car of yourself first.
  7. So sorry to here this but it sounds like he is not in recovery and certainly seeing one person once in last 5 months is not helping. By the sound of his actions he is projecting onto you and picking up on your 'faults' to to deflect from himself. Active addicts always have a reason to do things eg texting to check if you are checking on him. They are always sorry when they get caught but I think that's more to do with the fear of their double life being exposed. He sounds like he cant take any responsibility for his action...perhaps you should delay your plans for a while till he either gets into a better place or not. This illness changes personalities and enable them to manipulate, lie and distort whilst increasing their lack of accountability and responsibility, they are emotionally immature as dont have the skills to live in reality until they go through the process of recovery. I am sorry if this sounds hard but that's what you are dealing with, google sex addiction, porn addiction so you are more aware of the illness and personality changes
  8. Hi I believe there are some 12 step groups in Leeds . look for SAA
  9. Hi all I just read this and wondered of anyone especially Paula and her team have any comments to make on this. It seems that sex addiction treatment may not be all that is required and further research is required. This site is American and seems to be for ladies who have left the addict so nothing much on recovery success, but perhaps that the reality??? https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/sex-addictions-and-brain-changes-which-came-first/
  10. Sadlady I too am an older women and I think thats harder as when we think about ourselves as we have so few years left and the waste oh the waste. Its hard to come to terms with all the issues we face. PM me if you want to chat, if not take care of yourself and I do hope you find a way forward and peace in the future what ever it looks like
  11. Hi Alicrumle My heart goes out to you ..I know exactly what you mean about dichotomy with the heart, trust, wanting to get answers, feeling a fool and the pain. Interested to know where this all ended. Patty, I hope you are both now in a better situation and on the recovery path but if he is not I would think twice about getting married for now, maybe just delay to see what future holds. I would love to Pm but not sure how it works any idea?
  12. Hi Terita I clicked on the link but text is full of symbols - any idea why please as I would love to read please
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