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Everything posted by Christine

  1. Hi Worried, sometimes people struggling with addictions can have a slip or relapse, if he is struggling right now I would suggest he connects with his therapist again and looks at other recovery support options. This recent discovery will be triggering for you and will remind you of your initial discovery, take care of yourself and take time to consider your own options, try and do things to keep you out of your own head, this might not be the time to problem solve, but may be a time to do things which make you feel secure, so that you can just get through the day. Connecting with someone you can trust, doing activities that allow you to feel some level of calm. His addiction is not down to you. Maybe you also would benefit from some support as a partner?
  2. Lenet 4 thank you for your post, sounds like you really want to have a conversation with your partner but without the defensive reactions, I am wondering if it might be helpful for you to seek professional help for yourself. If you fear the aggression then I am left wondering if it is safe for you to raise the issue? Your safety has to come first. So think about what is right for you. Still want to raise the point and feel it is safe enough to do so then, perhaps sending him a letter sharing more on how you feel about this might help, but only if it is safe to do so. You could then request a reply, without the aggressive response and see how that goes. Take care and put yourself first
  3. Gem Gem thank you for having the courage to post, perhaps it is too soon to decide what next, even if you know you no longer want to carry on with him right now. Focusing on doing the school run and looking after the children and yourself may need to be your only focus alongside the need to just function hour by hour. Using your support network and just taking care of yourself and the children might be your only goal for today and tomorrow, given the shock of another discovery. You sound strong and seem to have coped with a lot so just allow yourself time, it's not you that needs to change, so take care and apply self care and see what he does next. Then in time you can make a decision. Keep on posting if it helps with the pain and shock of all this.
  4. Hi Thanks for being brave and contacting the forum, he might find it helpful to look at the kickstart recovery site; www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk - it sounds like it would be helpful for both of you, to see if he does have an addiction. You might also benefit from getting support from The Laurel Centre if the kickstart recovery does suggest an addiction, check out the support offered for both people wanting to address the addiction and partners needing support. If it does turn out to be an addiction, if he seeks support to recover and address the issues you mentioned this may help you and the relationship if you decide to stay.
  5. Recognising the need to be honest both with yourself and your partner is not easy, learning how to be vulnerable and admit that you are not fine is difficult and the intention is not to lie, you sound like you are growing in your awareness of how you need to change. Be kind to yourself in the process, whilst looking out for others
  6. Facing the addiction and acknowledging this is the first step, a 12 step group can be extremely helpful but the groups vary, so it is important to consider a few groups before deciding which one to attend. Therapy is also a useful option and as long as you work with someone who specialises in the field, both for the person with the addiction and the partner. It is important that as a partner you are able to work through the betrayal and trauma, regardless of what decision you may or may not make about the relationship in the future. The partner's perspective by Paula Hall is a helpful book for partner's, which you may find beneficial.
  7. Hi This is not uncommon, often people who have an addiction will compartmentalise the addiction and the behaviour and separate this from other areas of life, especially a partner. This is part of the distortion and a way of managing the situation, so it might be that your husband has blanked you as a way of coping. Now that he has had to face his addiction he sounds like he is being present, I hope the counselling is helping both of you, it can be a very painful and shocking time for partners. If you haven't already you may want to look for the books that Paula Hall has written for people with the addiction, for partners and her new book for couples all of which can be found on amazon,. Take Care Christine
  8. Hi Kezza Just read your post and wondering how you are getting on, did going to the counselling help with starting to find a way forward. I hope so. Christine
  9. Kate Thanks for posting on the forum, it is not usual for someone to have other dependence or addictive behaviours and if he is in therapy then hopefully this will get picked up and looked at as part of the whole situation. Although you very much want to support your partner and focus on his needs, he is the only person who can do his own recovery journey, with the support of professionals and groups addressing addiction. He has to face his lifestyle of addiction, understand it and acknowledge the change he needs to make, this change needs to be moving into a place of sobriety and on to real recovery. Not knowing whether he can do this must be very difficult for you, but for you what do you need to do right now for you. You cannot make him change, you cannot control his behaviour and it is not down to you. So what can you do to benefit you right now...........concentrate on looking after you, what do you need, who can support you, what can you focus on that will allow you to stay calm. Have you got some activities you can do to focus yourself and your mind on other things as this process is going to take time. Maybe you should speak to the therapist you are working with and ask her if you can talk about what is affecting you at the moment, use this time to look at the current situation rather than your history in your next session.
  10. Hi Lulu 18 So pleased to hear you are already booked onto the 4 day intensive - i'm sure this will help. The one day workshop is for your partner only, it is called "Understanding Partners Needs" have a look at the workshop on the website I believe the next one is coming up very soon, you could print off the information for him to look at. Perhaps when you have completed the intensive you could think about having couples therapy in the future. You need to give each other time. Take care Christine
  11. It is never the partners fault, addictions usually develop as a result of underlying reasons which are nothing to do with a relationship and have usually happened at a much earlier stage. Recovery does give the individual hope that they can change, meanwhile you are left dealing with the pain, hurt and trauma of discovering and not knowing whether this will happen again. Partners need to gain their own understanding of the addiction and consider how they themselves recovery from the knowledge this new reality which is traumatic, all of what you are feeling are normal reactions and responses to this trauma. The Laurel Centre run a one day workshop that helps the person in recovery understand what and why their partner responds and reacts in the way they do, it also helps the partner with the addiction to understand their responsibility and think about the impact of their behaviour both the impact of the addiction on the partner and the need for openness and honesty in recovery. You can go to the website and book directly onto this course.
  12. Hi Lulu18 I have just read your post and wondered who are you getting support from, trying to work through the issues for yourself, the mind field of what is truth and what is not truth, how can you know whether he is lying or not and if he is lying then is this about the addiction or is this an habit that still needs work as part of the recovery? Constantly wanting to look into his behaviour but then being triggered by what might or might not be happening, let alone the pain and fear of what you might discover. I wonder if you have considered your own support needs through all of this and whether you would find some of the partners support offered through The Laurel Centre beneficial, both in how to manage your situation and also to enable you to have a support network of other women who are experiencing a similar situation to yourself. Have a look at the courses being offered, either as an intensive or weekly, depending upon your circumstances. Many women find the support of the group very helpful. Not only does it give you the support of the group but it will help you think about why someone develops this addiction, how they recover and what you need to consider in order to look after yourself and manage the trauma and ongoing situation. I hope you are in a position to consider this.
  13. Rob Good to hear that you are acknowledging that you do have a problem, you might find it helpful to go to www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and if this confirms anything for you then seek support. You have made a first step Warmest wishes Christine
  14. Laura thank you for having the courage to come onto the site and share. Firstly, it is clear that you love your husband, it's his behaviour that is causing the concern and is causing you a level of distress. Clearly he is asking or involving you in behaviour which sounds like it is compromising who you are, perhaps you need to remain honest with both yourself and him about what behaviour is okay for you and not okay for you. You might find it helpful print off materials or buy books, listed below, that can help both of you consider what might be happening for him. You could also ask him if he would be willing to look at an online resource; www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk You might also find the resources on the www.recoverynation.com useful 1. Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction, Paula Hall 2. Sex Addiction the Partner's Perspective, Paula Hall Paula has also done a ted talk which you may find helpful to view. I could suggest lots of other resources but perhaps this will be a good starting point for you. Take Care Christine
  15. Christine


    Hi Maire Thank you for having the courage to write on the forum, it is clear that you care deeply for your partner and you can see he needs support to understand how much this is affecting your relationship. However, unless he recognises that what he is doing is causing harm in the relationship then he may not want to acknowledge that he may have an issue. Initially, if you have not done so already, it might be helpful for you to discuss what is acceptable and not acceptable within the relationship. Then to agree boundaries and what will happen if the boundaries are not maintained. So, if looking at porn is not acceptable within the relationship then that is agreed and if this is not maintained then you agree how this will be managed; for example, he agrees to look at whether his behaviour is harming both him and the relationship because it is out of control, and/or you agree to not have physical contact until he stops using porn a couple of months. This is not a question of whether porn is right or wrong it is a question of whether the behaviour is causing harm, it sounds like it is causing pain and impacting upon how you feel within the relationship. You might find the following helpful; www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk, www.yourbrainonporn.com and the book Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective.
  16. KT thank you for posting what you are going through and how you are feeling, it is an awful position to be in. Given your recent discovery, what you are feeling is completely understandable, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or the separation is ongoing, his recovery is down to what he decides to do. What is important for you is that you take care of you, give yourself time and space and manage your own feelings of hurt, anger and despair. Maybe with how you are feeling at the moment it is not a good time to make any decisions about the relationship but instead focus on taking care of you. Take care Christine
  17. To be able to respond to your concern I would need to know more about the type of test your husband did and also whether this also involved a therapeutic disclosure. I would not suggest a polygraph without the couple firstly undertaking a therapeutic disclosure.
  18. Millie Perhaps you could share with him why this is hurting you and ask him if he will stop because it is causing you hurt. I wonder how he would feel if you were doing the same but with men? The question to ask is why is he doing this when it is causing harm to his relationship and to you. Is this something he would be willing to stop if he knows it is hurting you.
  19. Hi all Just wanted to let you all know, but particularly those who were seeking therapy for support, if people cannot afford the therapy offered by a qualified therapist at the Laurel Centre then where possible we can offer a reduced fee where you can work with someone who is a qualified therapist and who is training in the field of sex addiction. If you would still like support and have not been informed of this option please do not hesitate to contact the Laurel Centre and ask to be referred to a trainee therapist. Hopefully, this addiction will be one day be recognised in the same way that substance misuse is so that people can have access to support therapeutically, as part of a recovery plan. Take Care Christine
  20. Thank you for posting your story, this must have taken courage to face, write down and then decide to share. I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength.
  21. It might be worth speaking to someone at an organisation called Stopso or refer back to the Probation Service
  22. Hi The drip drip of disclosure and discovery is very painful and hurtful and it is important to allow yourself time, it is often difficult to make decisions when we are confused. Perhaps looking at the choices and talking though the pain and confusion are helpful to do with the counsellor. You have the option of considering a therapeutic disclosure which may help address the 'what you feel you need to know now,' it may also help you to think though the moving forward. Allow yourself time and when you are ready, the right to make a decision that is right for you. Ensure that you spend time taking care of you and not allowing this to dominate all of your day, although this is hard to do. Christine
  23. Hi It's a completely normal reaction to feel confused when you continue to discover more about the person you love and that he has an addiction of this nature, you have done the right thing by reaching out and getting support from a counsellor, if the counsellor is trained to support partners of people with addictions they will support you in addressing your confusion and being able to work out what is right for you. A therapeutic disclosure about all the behaviour may be beneficial to you before trying to make an informed decision. Talk this through with the counsellor as this may help you. Take care Christine
  24. I wonder if you need to allow yourself time before making any long term decisions, although whatever decision you make is yours to make and whether you stay together or decide to leave the relationship is completely your decision and their is no right or wrong decision in a situation like this. Christine
  25. Hi, just wondering, maybe it would be helpful if you did not put yourself in a position where you have to make a decision at the moment, it sounds like he has alot to sort out, you both have individual plans to attend Uni and that you have mixed views about the relationship. Just allow yourself time and permission not to have to make any further decisions for now and see how things go with your life and attending Uni. Time to grow and time apart might be helpful for you both right now and if you do decide to try again in the future then you might be clearer about one another's needs and feelings and what is okay for you within the relationship. Take care Christine
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