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About Anon123

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  1. Anon123

    Looking for understanding

    What is the help? The furthest we have got is ordering some self help books. Is there something else that you would recommend?
  2. Anon123

    Looking for understanding

    I really appreciate all of the responses that have come through. In a way it's good to know I'm not alone in the battle with this. We've just been away on our planned family holiday. We had ups and downs. 3 says were awful but the majority was ok. If I allow myself to think about it, my mood becomes awful and I am filled with anger and rage and then sadness. If I try to ignore it i get on ok until something reminds me of it. I'm not sure how healthy it is to surpress things this way or if the marriage will last. Time will tell.
  3. Anon123

    Looking for understanding

    Thank you PJ. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I did tell a friend of mine over the weekend but I'm so embarrassed about it. I can't see to fall soft even if I wanted to. I feel like I'm tormenting him at the moment. I'll get the books. Thank you xx
  4. Anon123

    Looking for understanding

    Hi. I'm gutted to have found myself in this position but this is where I'm at. I discovered last week that my husband has been using porn for the last 15 years. I can't even begin to get my head round it. I feel like he's been cheating on me even when there's no real 'other' woman. We have what I thought was a decent or at least reasonable sex life. So I can't understand why he's been attached to this behaviour all this time. Why did he not just have sex with me?! When I think about the lies he has told over the years including a situation where I believed him over others and ended friendships with a number of people, I can't get my head round why he has deceived me so much. We have a tough life one way or another. Just a couple of weeks ago I was distressed about my sons health and struggled to sleep all week/cried myself to sleep. Meanwhile my husband was downstairs mastubating to a perfect 10 on the Internet. How have I not known for 15 years that this has been a problem? To the best of my knowledge he had a normal upbringing and didn't suffer any abuse. Why then is he so obsessed with watching people have sex and mastubating at every given opportunity? Am I too controlling? Am I boring in bed? Tell you what, I know I'm no porn star. I've been looking through pictures from over the years and feel like all our life has been a lie. Smiling and looking happy but clearly one of us wasn't. One of us was waiting for the next opportunity to be alone. I can't even look him in the eye at the moment. He always likes to give the impression that he's some kind of a gentleman. I spoke to his brother looking for support for my husband and he dismissed me saying all men do it. Do all men do it with such regularity? Do all men put porn ahead of their family? Do all men leave their wives upstairs to go and masturbate elsewhere whilst watching God knows what?! What else has he lied about? He literally told me the briefest of details. Has he been meeting other women for sex? He tells me his colleagues at work sit and watch porn between work duties. What kind of world is this?? I go to work and do work. I can't imagine going to work and during quiet moments making sure I have quiet time! Who is this man that I married? How is it that the man with whom I thought i had loving sex, can be so turned on by sex that is so degrading to women. Women incidentally who aren't fat or saggy or marked with stretch marks. How can I let him see me naked again? Surely I can only ever be a disappointment to him. How could he break my heart like this. I've swapped at times to wanting to view this like an illness and wish that I could help him. But I can't maintain anything I feel. I just feel ashamed and embarrassed and worthless. I've read posts that say just leave as it'll only get worse and I don't think I've got the strength to cope with worse than this! I'm so tired of the same thoughts going round my head. I wish he had just cared and respected me enough not to do this. I know I sound harsh and am making it all about me. I'm just so overwhelmed. I chose this man.