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About Alicrumble

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  1. Alicrumble

    I should've known better

    So there I was tidying in the bedroom... his wallet fell on the floor and out popped 3 tickets . I looked at them and was somewhat taken aback " naturist " was worded on one card. I didn't put them back. I didn't tell him that I found them . But I did some research and discovered they were swingers clubs! 3 different ones! Attended one a week after the proposal to marry me! I am hopping mad but decided not to confront but to make subtle suggestions to " if you need to tell me anything before we get married nows the time" - nothing. Ok a bit more loaded. Do you need to tell me something? - nothing. " ok we need to talk because I can't marry you unless you tell the truth" - the penny dropped. He said " it's nothing to worry about• I knew that meant there was a lot to worry about. So he confessed in dribs and drabs. I can't believe how calm I was. Mindfulness helped. I felt I could help him ( that's me all over - idiot) get help. Then I just knew he wasn't telling me everything. So I called his bluff and said he needs to tell me everything because I know! I knew from his eyes he was in blind panic. He had been seeing another woman regularly for swinging and been to her house been to other couples houses. ... not just voyeurs full on participation. I felt sick. This is not the same person I fell in love with. We had a good sex life . I love sex . In fact he started having erectile problems and now I think I know why. He wore it out! I felt that was the final straw. I stayed downstairs and cried and got angry and obvs no sleep so started reading things. I decided to try counselling. I fixed him up but struggled to find for me. I have had this with me before confrontation for a good month and have not sold a soul! It's been so difficult. But I have now got an appointment for Monday. I have no idea if the relationship is savable. He is away on business. He wants me to track him he says he's glad he's been caught. Ironically ( he says) he had stopped and hadn't seen the woman for over a month! Not that I believe a word that spews out of his mouth at present. How did I know nothing!! I was the other woman 9 years ago! ( he lied and told me he was separated initially- Why was I so trusting the writing was on the wall! ) I want to confront the other woman because she knows about me . She might tell me a bullshit story he told me in the beginning. How his wife bullied him and had no sex blah blah... he's a serial adulterer. His first wife ran off with someone else? Or did she? ( I would be wife no 3 ) I have no idea who this alter ego is! My life has been turned upside down. It took 8 years to trust again. My previous partner was addicted to alcohol and violent. I wasted best part of 20 years trying to save him and that didn't end well. So here I am again. What kinda fool am I? So sad for us not him i dont know him.i feel bereft!
  2. Alicrumble

    Absolutely broken hearted

    My fiancé has begged me not to cancel the wedding in 4 months! He is getting help but it seems like most people on here I had no idea until I found those cards. Wasn't really looking wasn't suspicious in anyway. He works away a lot has another place to stay when he's working late ... never had concerns but I was the other woman 9 years ago. Why was I so trusting. It's been going on the whole time. I've told no one
  3. Alicrumble

    Just discovered my husbands secrets

    I haven't told anyone. I don't want either of us to be judged. That's why I'm going to a counsellor. I discovered membership cards to swingers clubs and lie after lie just kept spilling out even now I don't think I know everything. I need to be sure I do so that whatever decision I make will be based on full facts. I can't stand the thought of marrying him forgiving him only to discover there was more. I'm getting a prenup that's for sure if I stay!
  4. Alicrumble

    How to make a distinction

    Me too. I'm reading Paula's book the patrners perspective and it is helping. I am going to see a therapist on Monday. He is going on Thursday. I found him for him. He doesn't know I'm going. My whole world has fallen apart. We're supposed to be getting married in 4 months. So make my mind up time is a bit limited!
  5. Alicrumble

    Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

    I am new on here and already I'm doing what I always do. Trying to help. I may get in trouble for saying this but it really is NEVER OK for there to be violence. You maybe able to contact a refuge depending where you are to help you escape. I lived with dv for 20 years and just when I thought my life was going so well with a wedding planned in August The bombshell dropped. I don't have much money but my mental health ATM is paramount to enable me to cope. If you can pay his phone bills please find the money to get help. It could be a long time saving in the end . Good luck x