Alyssa

Hi KayKay, Do you have a singular, particular type? I think for a lot of people there’s a broad spectrum of attraction and throw in SA and that broadens even more. From what I understand it’s not even about physical attraction for some SAs it’s about feeding the addiction with anyone or anything. If you feel your partner is physically attracted to you then it’s true! I completely understand how all of this could be tough and make you feel insecure. But at the end of the day everyone has the ability to be attracted to people outside of their relationship, the key to feeling security is to build strength in your trust for him, through hard work on his part. It’s his responsibility since he violated your trust to begin with. And in truly loving, strong, relationships, we acknowledge our partners being human and having tastes outside of ourselves (we can’t be everything and anything) but also take comfort in knowing that our partners only have eyes for us. We acknowledge that they are not blind, but that they should have tunnel vision and focused attention. You should also know that none of this has to do with you. None of it is your fault or because of your figure or even his physical preferences in a sexual partner. I’m sure your gorgeous and I’m sure he knows it too since you mention how he shows it to you. I know it’s silly, but sometimes it comforts me, so maybe it’ll comfort you too -even BEYONCÉ was cheated on. Sending lots of love and wishing you all the best in your personal recovery and the journey you and your partner are on to rebuilding your relationship. Hugs, Alyssa

Hi all, I know this thread has been inactive for quite some time but I was wondering if anyone had any updates? I am in a very similar situation to the original poster and it’s been 2 months since doomsday. There have also been multiple different sets of disclosure along the way since then, but I finally have what I believe to be the full picture and the whole truth of what has actually taken place. Which feels like a relief but also, every lie and subsequent confession did retraumatize me and it felt like I was going back to day one. So in that case, it’s been about 2 weeks since ‘doomsday.’ I can’t focus on anything else and I’ve only spoken to my therapist about any of this. I feel like I have now been forced into a double life because of his. Spending time with friends and family feels fake because they have no idea what is going on or how I feel under the surface. I feel a small bit of optimism because of how much he’s taken responsibility, has shown remorse and is taking the initiative to fix things. But after reading the accounts of others online I can’t help but feel that hope is false since so many attempts at rebuilding seem to lead to reoffending and ultimately failure. It has also been tough because although this conversation is centred around SA, he doesn’t feel that is completely relevant to his situation. And he has been adamant that he is not gay/bisexual and has absolutely no attraction to men. We have talked endlessly about it and he still maintains that his actions did not come from a place of sexual desire or release. As he explains it, his need for stimulation was perpetuated by porn before we even met, leading him into the seedy underbellies of the internet. Which lead to some bisexual curiosity. Having grown up in a very accepting and loving home, no religious homophobia whatsoever, many LGBTQ+ friends and a few family members, and in a generally accepting society here in Toronto - he chose to experiment and explore this curiosity. Which I understand myself as a bisexual woman. After the initial experience he claims he knew without a doubt he was straight and it just wasn’t for him. But that this still somehow lead to an escalating addiction or compulsion to sending photos, messaging online on various DL websites, and meeting with men on several occasions, because of the anxiety that came with doing something secret and ‘taboo.’ His disappointment with his failures in life, bad decision making, and general poor self esteem then fuelled his need for this anxiety to continue a pattern of existing self sabotage but also to help him cope with the anxieties and depression in the rest of his life. He describes it as a distraction’ that he wanted to feel terrible, he wanted to not be in sexually arousing situations and seeking sexual release, but to use the sexual behaviour as a vehicle for self harm. The compulsion to use these situations this way also came in waves and was triggered by times when he felt very low and would be short bursts of around 2 weeks of messaging, eventually leading to a meet up and then nothing for quite some time until the next cycle. He experimented with asian massage parlours and webcammed with two women in that time. I also saw some evidence of him reaching out to M4Fs on occasion while responding to M4Ms, but he says that the women often wouldn’t respond and his attempts were unsuccessful anyway. And that part of using seeking out these men specifically was because of their willingness to partake and the other party’s own personal discretion and shame which made him feel safe from being found out. He described the massage parlours as having a similar effect in giving him that quick awful ‘punishment’ feeling but in that they weren’t quite the experience he was looking for because he actually climaxed during the encounters. But he chose them initially because he knew it would make him uncomfortable and feel badly. He explains away the webcamming with women as an act of convenience that arose while in various bisexual chat rooms and that they also made him feel terrible but in a different way because of the sexual enjoyment so he didn’t continue pursuing it. He claims every sexual encounter was very short lived and that he always chose ‘open door policies’ for their discretion but also so he could exit as quickly as possible. He never climaxed, he sometimes didn’t even make it in the door but when he did he said the anxieties would increase until he had ‘reached the level of punishment he was willing to handle’ at the time and then bolt. I guess just after 6 years of gaslighting and deception I can’t help but feel like he’s lying to me about his sexual appetites and interests. But I also don’t understand why he would feel the need to lie about them? I myself am Bisexual and he knows and has said himself that he could tell anyone in his life and they would greet it with nothing but love and support. He’s also acknowledged that his life could remain completely unchanged if he were to feel that way and come forward with it. He’s read many ‘coming out’ stories, articles on sexuality and bisexuality, books, and listened to podcasts in the past 2 months - so he is most definitely not avoiding the idea or thought. He also can see and know how 1+1 not neatly adding up to 2 is absolutely destroying me. By adding this extra confusing layer to what is already a shit sandwich. And he’s acknowledged that all the questioning of his sexuality can be tiring (to be fair I’m repeating myself often and not so great to be around right now) and that it would be easier if he could just explain it away like that for himself and for me. That he wishes he could but he doesn’t want to live a lie or continue lying to me. Even if it were to give me some comfort. He grew up in the punk scene which is filled with sexual fluidity, and openly gay and bisexual men. He has rationalized his acceptance and exposure to it all in helping him to even carry out these actions or be ‘ok’ with getting through them, because he ‘genuinely has no qualms with a penis being around him.’ But at the end of the day he has still been cheating on me with predominantly men for the last 6 years so it’s all just a wild mess in my head. Despite all this, he still insists that he has absolutely 0 romantic or sexual attraction to men or male genitalia. And I know that at the end of the day his sexuality doesn’t matter, the infidelity and betrayal does, but my PTSD brain is fixated on it not because of the orientation itself but because of the idea of there being more dishonesty. The fear and the risk of such a level of dishonesty, I know, will also only end in disaster. You can’t deny yourself of who you are or push it down and try to forget it, no matter how strong you are. If it doesn’t lead to another direct betrayal by ways of infidelity, it will most certainly lead to just a sad, unfulfilling life, that is dampened with inescapable depression because the cause of that depression is not being met or addressed. So I’ve also fixated on the truth of his feelings because it feels like I need that information to assess the risk moving forward. I love this man to death but now part of me feels like I don’t even know who I’m in love with. A persona? A front? Am I a beard, or just a prop for the fantasy of ‘attached’ ‘straight’ and ‘discreet’ gay sex? We got engaged a year ago and have been living together for 6 years, I thought we had a solid relationship, respect for one another, and endless love. Now I don’t know what I have. I was just in the middle of planning a wedding and now I’m batting away questions about ‘if we’ve set a date yet’ with bullshit excuses about COVID. He claims to still and have always loved me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but if he did then why would he risk it all for absolutely 0 reward?! I mean he didn’t even orgasm apparently! I hear some of your stories and you’re so much further down the line than I am, with children and a house and it’s all far more complicated. Part of me feels like he’s done me a favour of giving me an out before I’ve committed to any of those things with him. That the embarrassment and heartbreak of ending things would subside with time because of the amazing people I have in my support system. That I would be saving my future children from a disaster, because if I were to choose to stay and he ever hurt them I could absolutely never forgive myself for being so naive and stupid. And then there’s another part of me that still feels like he is my favourite person in the whole world, my soulmate, and leaving him without trying would be a rash mistake. But I want kids and a man who’s head over heels for me and would never even consider doing what he’s done… and I still have time to build that. I just can’t shake the feeling that I still want those things with him. He’s even assured me that if I didn’t want to have children he would still want to be with me for the rest of his days. That there isn’t some attachment to the happy heterosexual family ideal tugging at him to try and make it work. He’s also acknowledged that at this point, the past two months have been so hard for the both of us, and him being a fiercely independent, stubborn person, he genuinely feels that it would be easier just for us to part ways and for him to runaway and carry out the rest of his days doing whatever he wanted when he wanted. That his only apprehension (aside from his ‘feelings for me’) would be the disappointment his friends and family would have for him because of his hurting me - but that would also subside. He says his natural instinct is to run, like with everything else in his life, that he’s not preserving this for fear of being outed and this relationship ending. I’ve even offered to keep the details of his infidelity a secret until he was ready to come out to everyone directly after our splitting. Because I do respect him, and I’m not in the business of trying to ruin people’s lives for some short lived revenge. I’ve had moments where I can’t breathe, I’m paralyzed by fear, and a deep feeling of loneliness all come crashing through me, tearing my brain and my heart apart. And these feelings are exactly what he has claimed to be pursuing. I just can’t imagine someone wanting to feel that way and actively hunting it down. I mean, one things for sure it definitely is distracting… but how can someone even function and manage to fool his partner with happiness and love while feeling this way?! It seems utterly impossible, although I know this perspective is not the same because it’s coming from a relatively healthy person. Or one who used to be anyway… I know you’re not professionals, and our situations are all unique. I know you may not even see this message considering how long ago this thread was active. But I guess I just needed to type this out to scream into the void. And if anyone does happen to see this, if they could tell me their story or give me their opinion on all of this I would greatly appreciate it. I have been desperately digging through the internet to find some sort of explanation that validates his story. But he only claims parts of them to feel relevant to him, nothing ever quite fits the bill. I believe we all live vastly different lives, but I also believe that at least one person somewhere has experienced the same thing as someone else. And that thought was always a comfort before now. Now, when I can’t find anything that can explain his behaviour and his explanation - that thought torments me. I feel like I’ve been in a perpetual state of fight or flight for the last two months and I don’t know what to do. Once I end it I know it’ll be done forever and there’s no going back. Once my family and friends know there will be no chance of forgiveness - so I don’t want to do it until I’m absolutely sure. I guess, I’m just still not sure yet, but I wish I could be. I love all of you, Alyssa.