GemGem

I keep asking why? Like we all do I guess. One of the most hurtful truths (and one of the only truths he’s ever volunteered) is that although he did this behind his ex’s back.... it was never as much or as bad as what he’s done since being with me 😭 yet I’m supposed to believe I’m the love of his life. I’m supposed to believe there is no reason for this? His ex treated him like crap, left him home with their child while she went off with other lads. I’ve always been loving, kind & supportive of him. I’ve stuck up for him when his family haven’t treated him right. I went to court with him when he was trying to sort access out with his ex. Why the hell has he been worse to me in regards to his addiction than to his ex. Makes me sick. I can’t look at him without my skin crawling & waves of rage & absolute grief. I identify with what you’ve said about swearing, I’ve been swearing like a dock worker in our rows. I think it’s because there aren’t adequate words to convey the level of pain they’ve caused. Big hug to you too xx

Hi Chrissy, thanks for your reply. Honestly all I can do is hour to hour sometimes it’s more like minute to minute. I’m experiencing a lot of the same things as those first few discoveries years ago. Despite understanding what I’m experiencing from all the counselling I had back then I can’t seem to break out yet. I do have a counselling appointment with the same lady who did it last time coming up on Wednesday. I’m not eating, I hadn’t eaten on Tuesday and had been about to prepare tea for me & little one when I made the discoveries so I ended up not eating anything at all Tue. On Wednesday there was lots of arguments prior to his going on his shift in the afternoon, I did try to eat at tea time but only managed half of my scrambled eggs. I didn’t eat at all on Thursday. Had a bit of bread on Fri teatime & nothing at all since then. Only cups of tea. I know from past counselling that this is a mix of the hunger pain actually being a distraction/relief from the severe mental anguish/ptsd caused by my husband’s addiction. There’s also a part of me that’s telling myself to be skinny which is definitely linked to the things I’ve discovered over these years of hell with his addiction. I’d say the distraction from the utter pain of devastation is the stronger one though. Hopefully talking to the counsellor on Wednesday will help. I have told my brother about what’s happened. So there is at least one person who knows that can comfort me. I sobbed in his arms yesterday. I’m going to try force myself out of the house later with little one. Only down the road to a park that has a tennis court so little one can use the new racket he got a couple of weeks back. We had been going to have a family BBQ this weekend which little one had been looking forward to but obviously that’s cancelled now after husband destroying everything again. So I am trying but I’m still in shock & struggling with PTSD. thanks for the cyber hug, need all the hugs I can get right now. Sending one back to you too xx

Hi Ann, thanks for your reply. It does help hearing from people who understand. I think it’s a mixture of all the things you said as to why we keep it quiet. After the 1st time of weeks long drip drip discoveries in 2015 I shut down my Facebook because I couldn’t cope with the constant prying messages from our wider family & friends. I also unplugged the house phone (and it stayed unplugged for 5yrs). Yes the shame & embarrassment. It’d have been easier to lean on others if it had been a drug or alcohol addiction (I can say that truthfully as my brother descended into a drug addiction following the death of our Mum). It’s the thought of everyone knowing he searched out a million different types of women instead of honouring his wedding vows with the woman who’s always been loyal to him. The fear of some idiot downplaying it as ‘just one of those things men do’ because on the wrong day I could seriously hurt anyone who said that. If he’s so sorry why is he not showing the same devastation as me? If he’s so sorry how is he not sobbing when he sees little one playing a game on the tablet that he’s defiled with his actions, his choices? If he’s so sorry how’s he not in absolute bits at what he’s done to me? I’m not capable of laughing to give myself a break from this pain! Seemingly he is & I hate him a little bit more for that. He said he was so sorry in 2015 & again in 2016 he swore he’d never ever put us through this again. Well clearly that was all lies or I wouldn’t be here again now, so of course I can’t believe him when he says it all again now. He should be ringing around counsellors non stop till he finds one who picks up (he’s rang two since Wednesday the first one saying she’s not the right type of counsellor, he’s left a voicemail with another). He should keep ringing them all till he gets one.... not sit there laughing with our son whilst I’m dead inside sat opposite. Sorry, I’m descending into ranting & it’s at him not you.... sorry if it came across that way. I want a time machine to take us back & for this to have never happened. Im truly sorry you’re in the same hell. I’m at the point where I keep thinking ‘if he doesn’t think enough of us not to do this then why should I allow him to rob anymore years of my life’. Are you still with your partner? X

I really feel ill 🥺 his presence in the house is ruining my relationship & time with our 8yr old. As the accomplishment actor & liar he is... my husband can act like things are ok. He can compartmentalise and laugh & joke with little one while I’m sat catatonic & broken on the sofa. It’s his day off so there is no respite from his presence. I can’t bring myself to tell little one anything, he thinks Dads in the box room because of his snoring. He sees I’m not ok but I’ll just seem like the miserable cow while dad’s laughing & joking & it infuriates me because this is not my fault. I didn’t ask for any of this. I became the queen of trauma recovery work after those first two times years ago. I put a metric shit tonne of work in to try to claw back our little family & he’s done this to me & is again. I just want what I thought was real back 😭🤯🤬😭 I can’t stop crying. I really want my mum & I feel so small like a child. I’m really really hurting & the one one person I count on is the person who’s done this to me. I’ve nobody to hold me & comfort me.

I’m so sorry it’s all culminated in self harm @Nort123 but I want you to know that you’re not alone. I haven’t this time but I did in 2015 & ‘16 it was the sheer velocity of the hurt/frustration etc then once I’d done it ... a calm came. So I understand. It might be worth having a chat to your GP. I got in a very bad way those first few times & they needed to temporarily put me on diazepam alongside a long term antidepressant. Non of this is your fault so I truly hope you don’t feel ashamed or anything about getting additional help if you need it. It may have been a one off for you but if not there’s help out there. You need to feel heard & understood by people who’ve been there. It’s really not any addicts place to tell a partner to stop reaching out for help from wherever they choose. A time probably will come where you naturally want to stop coming into forums but that choice must be yours. A lot of addicts when the first discovery happens want it to all go away but it can’t or no genuine recovery can happen. He will have to face the indescribable pain & trauma he’s caused at some point it’s all part of the process. You didn’t want to be in this position you’ve been thrust into it. I hear you about once being confident & bubbly, I was too. Always laughing & joking & could get chatting to all sorts of people on evenings out. No more though. Totally beaten down by it all. Addiction thrives in secrecy unfortunately. My husband refused to do group stuff the first time due to embarrassment. Knew he’d have to a year later after the 2nd discovery but he didn’t do the steps (12 step), join in at meetings or get a sponsor then he dropped out saying he was genuinely recovered & didn’t need it anymore..... and here we are now, again. He knows he’ll have to actually work all the steps & get a sponsor this time but I’m not sure I’ve got the capacity to forgive or recover myself this time. I lashed out at him today. So I feel ashamed. I want him to hurt the way I am. To comprehend the level of damage he’s inflicted. It’s not a partners job to ‘just trust him’ when it’s them that have systematically destroyed the trust. It’s his job to seek all the help he possibly can & stick to it. It’s his job to do all he can to try & earn your trust back. This article about how to tell if your partner is really in recovery may help you. https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/08/16/how-to-tell-if-your-husband-is-really-in-recovery/ It might be too early yet but it sounds like your partner needs to read a few things about the trauma this causes. From what you’ve said it sounds like he’s still in the defensive stage so now may not be the right time but hopefully he’ll be open to it soon. This is a really good link about the addict understanding things from a traumatised partners perspective.... it really resonated with me when I read it. https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/01/16/know-recovery/ I’m here if you need to offload. ❤️

Thanks @Nort123 that’s very kind of you & appreciated. They don’t realise how all this can hollow you out to just a shell of your former self, that’s how I feel anyway. My old counsellor text me back & I’ve got a session on zoom with her on Wednesday. It is embarrassing & I’ve felt & am feeling how all the things you’ve mentioned. Aren’t I enough? What’s wrong with me? I had a c-section with our son & became obsessed with getting my tummy fixed with surgery, I hadn’t felt that way when I was living in ignorance, I’d felt secure. I ended up doing it had a tummy tuck last year because it’d gotten that I didn’t want him to see me naked (I still did...but in my head I was cringing & had all these awful thoughts about myself & the images of what he’d sought out burnt in my brain) so I did it. Obviously now I’m feeling like wow..... nothing will ever be enough. I knew women from the forums after my first discovery who did similar with surgery... such is the extent of damage & ptsd. I’m glad to hear you’ve spoken a little about things to your friends, I hope they are able to understand & support you. I wish I could tell you that the images connected to dates will go away for you but they haven’t for me. It doesn’t mean they won’t fade a little for you as we’re all different I guess. Only you will know if it’s something that might lessen for you in time. Yes, he’s said he’ll find a specialist therapist & attend SLA (sex & love addiction) 12 Step meetings but he said all that in 2015 & 2016 but quickly stopped once things were easing between us (which is why it’s hard to let go of the anger, I associate letting go of it with him stopping recovery work). What a mess 😢 it’s impossible to believe a word when you’ve heard it all multiple times before. I thought things were good right now. We were saving to buy a house. I feel so ill. Has your partner arranged ongoing recovery work for himself? A word of warning on the detective work, I’ve been there many times & I’ve also been doing it the past few days since this recent discovery. It can make you really unwell, you’ve found enough really, like I have & if you find your struggling to stop it’s important to try to gently tell yourself to stop for your mental & physical health. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to put yourself first. ❤️

So I found how to find every searched thing on gmail a website said if you type in history.google.com/history that everything comes up & you can also tell where things have been deleted etc. For eg) deleted YouTube shows as ‘used YouTube’ whereas if it’s not been deleted it shows the date, time plus a thumbnail of the video. All my 8yr olds viewing was there plus pages worth of ‘used YouTube’ so we’ve had a massive row. He tried to minimise it at first saying it was just a lady golfer but I eventually got him to disclose her name & I locked myself in the bathroom to look her up it’s like a soft porn channel. I exploded, I’ve thrown things & I’m ashamed to say I did pummel at him repeatedly. I know that’s not ok. There was also a burlesque video that he forgot to delete. He’s thrown our marriage away and for what? Our son will be a wreck, he can’t stand any cross words even when it’s a normal thing. We are his world.... together, as a family. I can’t just keep putting up with this though.... it’s like giving him free reign to destroy us because on some level he knows I won’t hurt our little one. He asked what did I truly want & I said a divorce. I do & don’t though. I want this to have never happened. I want to not have to go through this hell again. I want the person he pretended to be. I want to not have ptsd caused by him. I want to be able to live an un-triggered life with someone I trust but that can never be can it? You can only lie/deceive & cheat so many times before the person on the receiving end is irretrievably broken. I want him to hurt as much as me but that’s impossible. He’ll never know that pain because he’s not a loyal honest person so how could he know what it’s like? I don’t know what to tell my 8yr old, I don’t want to see him broken & devastated. I don’t know how to move forward. Why does he need to chase images/videos of other women? Why can’t he keep his wedding vows. What’s wrong with me? I’m not unattractive, I’m not a prude although I’m not the same as before that first discovery in 2015 because of the triggers he left me with. He did ruin sex for me but I still did most things. How can someone who professes to love you repeatedly & knowingly destroy you piece by piece?

Aww I know, this particular forum is new to me but back in 2015 (1st & most horrific in terms of trauma, what I found & the drip drip of finding more & more over a number of weeks) I googled for online support groups I was desperate for someone to hear my pain & to understand. I found one called Through The Flame but it doesn’t exist anymore. I felt like you, horrified at the circumstances I’d found myself in. It is a lonely place, I completely isolated myself from everyone except my parents (who have both since passed) I wish I hadn’t but I’d had a total nervous breakdown, I couldn’t see at the time that cutting literally everyone except my parents out of my life was the worst thing I could do. It took a long time (1.5yrs) to stop having panic attacks etc and coax myself to the shop... simple things. By that time the friendships I’d had prior had died away. Whatever you do, don’t do that. Try to keep in contact with a few good friends (whether you confide in them or not). It does make you feel physically ill, it’s all the shock/stress chemicals like adrenaline, cortisol etc flooding your body/brain. It makes you exhausted, shaky, bad stomach etc. My heads been hurting non stop. When the anger waves come I feel like I’m going to have a stroke or something. I actually fainted today in the bathroom. I think it’s a mixture of not eating due to the stress plus the fight/flight chemicals. I remember seeing the money spent on extra phone data etc and being livid. The discoveries that first time that I found spanned our whole relationship including my pregnancy and our wedding (I know what he searched out watched & did the night before our wedding) I can never un-see the things I found. I know that worlds crashed down feeling it’s truly awful. Your counsellor should help you with setting & implementation healthy boundaries. I child locked everything last night, Amazon fire tv, tablet, laptop etc. I’ve set everything up password protected for anything over pg rating. My husband has only had a basic Nokia (no internet phones) since 2016 which is probably why we’ve had a few years of relative peace. Unfortunately for reasons only known to him he’s been using our 8yr old tablet that we got him for Xmas to search out saucy images of various models, actresses etc he’s ruined so many simple things for me like watching tv, a movie, certain adverts if it’s got someone in it he’s gone nuts searching over. The triggers this addiction leaves with the partners are plentiful & very painful. There are many of us suffering the same, you’re definitely not alone in that sense but I totally get what you mean because it’s not the sort of addiction you feel you can lean on other people for support. Those who haven’t experienced what this addiction is like to live with in a partner can be very dismissive of it & make light of it..... they are callous & have no idea. Sending you a big hug & solidarity x

I don’t really feel able to give advice on anger as I’m reeling from yet another discovery with my husband. I’m incandescent with rage right now & feeling like what’s the point continuing if this is always just going to keep happening & destroying me & our child. I’ve experienced the same type of discovery as you a few times. These discoveries cause very real trauma in the partner. Your anger is absolutely justified. It is a normal response to being lied to & cheated on via the Internet. There are some good books about Betrayal Trauma if you Google and get which ever ones feel they fit with you. When I first went to psychotherapy after my first discovery in 2015 she explained to me that I have to grieve the person I thought he was & accept the new reality in order to make a decision about going forward or walking away. It’s easy to try to gloss over what they’ve done because deep down we are in panic, shock & don’t want our lives to change. The unfortunate truth is that everything has changed when you find your partner is a porn addict. For me, it’s almost like I can’t let the anger phase go because if I do I feel like that’ll make him feel like all his ‘I’m sorry & it won’t happen again’ has worked and that I’ve relented. Your journey as a partner with the understandable trauma will be an individual one too, based on your own life experiences & worldview. Eg mine is complicated further because I was sexually abused age 12. The trauma from that bubbled up horrifically when I made that first discovery. I also had very strong opinions about the porn industry etc. For you it may be different. Its good you’ve got counselling sorted out, keep going to that religiously they can help you find a way to get the anger out safely. I tend to internalise which can manifest some unpleasant things. If you’re anything like me right now I bet you’re exhausted from the trauma. If work is too much could you maybe get signed off by the doctor & maybe go stay with a good friend or family member? Just so you can rest & get your head straight? I’m sorry you’re going through this hell too, it’s not fair.

I don’t know weather to start new topics or just carry on here like a journal? I don’t want to be constantly spamming as I’m working through this. I hate him so much. I can feel myself stuck in this anger..shaking. There’s only so much trauma you can put a person through before there’s no going back. Each time it’s robbed from our relationship. Each time it’s permanently changed everything & broken me/us. What’s left? No trust. No normal sex life for me ever again with him. The grief of losing the person I thought he was, who he pretended to be. Not being able to look at wedding pictures without cringing inside. Pretending I’m recovering when I’m not. Living with the constant fear of devastation happening all over again. Living with the fear his addiction will suddenly appear on my 8yr old tablet when he’s playing on it.... what sort of depraved scumbag does that? How dare he say he loves me & our child & do that. How dare he say I’m all he wants/needs & go searching out a million other women.

Thanks Chrissy, yes that’s exactly it.... like being in an parallel universe and everyone else’s voices quiet & muffled. Disassociation. His shift was 3am till 1am & he spent most of it texting me to please please let him come back to sleep in the box room & prove to me that he will stick to 12 step & therapy. I ranted to most of the texts he sent telling him no. I tried to hide my distress in front of our son but when I put him to bed he cupped my face & said ‘mum you look & sound so sad, what is it? You can tell me anything’ I said it’s just a headache but his face told me he didn’t really believe me. He’s a sensitive kid, very good at picking up on emotions & will cry at the animal abuse adverts etc. He’s incredibly kind & very family oriented. He adores me & his Dad. I hate my husband for doing this to us again. I think little one doesn’t remember the separation as he was only 3 but he was distressed at the time. I text husband to say he can stay in box room but that I’m doing it for little one not for him & that it’s only temporary till I make a final decision. I can’t help but thinking that addicts use our love of our kids to be able to stay. Im so exhausted. Bad tummy since the discovery. I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep with him again. At the same time I remember the trauma bonding sex that eventually happened after the first two discoveries years ago & it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I was so in need of comfort. He ruined sex for me. It’s never been the same for me because it’s filled with fear & doubt.... not freedom. There is nobody for me to lean on. I have text my counsellor asking for an appointment but I’ve not seen her in a while & she’s not messaged back. I wish my Mum was still here 😢

Thanks Christine, I wish I felt strong but I don’t. I feel stupid, stupid for believing his BS & giving him the chances to put me & our son through this hell again. I do feel in shock, a car had to swerve me this morning on the way back from dropping little one off, I remember it being like this last time.... like a daze & not really aware of what’s going on around me. We’ve rowed while little ones at school before he’s gone to his work shift.... well, I’ve rowed. He’s doing his ‘poor me I’ve been caught out so I’ll say the same old s*it that worked last time’. I’m yelling & ranting the same pain, the same devastation that never left, it only gets built on with each betrayal. He’s dropped a nuclear bomb into our family again & I’ll never forgive him for doing this to us again. At the same time I just don’t want any of this to be true, to be happening. I have no network to lean on. My parents helped me through the last two times but I lost Mum in 2017 & Dad followed her in 2019. He swore to my Mum on her hospital death bed that he’d take good care of us & never hurt us again.... he lied. I’ve been broken on some level since those 1st couple of times where I hid myself & my nervous breakdown from wider family & friends. After a while too much time had passed & so I am alone. I had spine surgery Nov 19 and may need more surgery soon too... but I never let that stop me making sure he was satisfied, even when at times I didn’t feel like it....even if it caused me physical pain that’s how his addiction left me. It made me get scared if it’d gone more than a couple of days since I ‘put out’ He thinks he can just break us when he wants & try fix things when caught. He doesn’t realise the damage he’s caused me to live with that I already have to carry around daily. Now more again. That’s not love, it’s not respect not for me, our son or our marriage. I’m isolated & feel so broken.

I’m new here but not new to this hell. I suffered a full blown breakdown after the first time I discovered my husband’s search history back in 2015 (just a year after we were married) I know what he was watching the night before our wedding. I know what he was looking at multiple times a day for years. I made him leave. We were separated for a number of months. He swore it’d never happen again & I went to counselling but he never properly engaged with 12 step or therapy of his own. I found he’d been at it again in 2016 to a lesser degree but it was clearly another addiction cycle & there was probably things I didn’t find (seems many of them the only admit to what you find, at least that’s how it seems to me). I stared getting awful full body panic attacks. Stopped eating. Awful anxiety & depression as well as our little boy to look after. He moved back in with his parents again. Our son was only 3 & was devastated. My counsellor told me I was suffering complex ptsd. I couldn’t watch tv or films without being triggered. Songs & music videos. Just the sight of the computer or any technology was too much. I couldn’t answer the telephone & ended up unplugging it (I only re-plugged it in a few months ago 5 yes later). I stopped seeing my friends & totally isolated myself. He swore all the promises etc again, restated therapy & 12 step & I took him back ‘one last time’ on the understanding he got rid of his smart phone & only had an old Nokia but once we were back on track he stopped 12 step & therapy again saying he didn’t need it anymore. Still, I felt somewhat ok as he only had the Nokia. Well I’ve been having that uneasy feeling again despite everything seeming ok. I got our now 8yr old a tablet for Xmas. My husband uses it a lot buying tools for work or new clothes etc. He didn’t realise that the google account linked to it is mine. He’s deleted certain searches off the tablet history but those searches still show up when I search Google history on my phone. I’ve not found any graphic sites but he could of used the incognito tab for that. What I’ve found is obsessive searches for various actresses, models in scant clothing etc. It’s a pattern I recognise. Jumping from image to image. So I printed it all out & left it for him to find after his shift. I put our son in bed with me & left a note telling him to get in little ones bed. I can’t go through this again. He’s broken all his promises. He’s broken all my boundaries which included me telling him back in 2016 that he did not have my consent to be intimate with me if he’s engaging in his addiction. He knew how much that boundary meant to me. These searches go back a month & he’s ignored my boundaries that were there to help me feel safe. Ive not said anything to our 8yr old. I don’t want to see him heartbroken he’s on the sensitive side. Husband is begging me to let him stay in the box room & that he’ll show me how sorry he is & it won’t happen again but I can’t believe anything when he’s lied repeatedly through our marriage. He’s chosen other women over me & our son again. My ptsd is running amok I feel sick, I’m shaking, it’s like that first discovery all over again. How can I ever sleep with I’m again? I don’t want another child to look after where I’m having to use parental locks on all technology again. I can’t eat. The thought of doing the school run in a couple of hours is filling me with dread because I’m a mess. I don’t know what to do.