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Chrissy

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  1. Hi ladies, Reading through these posts I'm stuck by the similarities and the common thread to them all. That is something that we can hold on to .....that we are NOT alone in this journey of trauma/healing. The problem is that it takes so much time and not all of us can wait or should wait. What is right for one cannot be applied to another's circumstances. For instance that you , Feeling Fragile can be an accountability partner to your husband is not necessarily beneficial for someone else. In my circumstances I was so deceived by the lying and half truths that I wanted some other blokes who knew him to basically tell him to 'man up' and get a grip on his life. However he only told them what was happening days/weeks later....and the problem seemed to be that certainly one of them was so taken in by my husbands stories that he believed I was the problem! My husband's problem was that he wasn't just using devices he was the device and acting out in public. I couldn't 'babysit' him all the time I was already in a downward spiral of psychological abuse and pain. I absolutely didn't want to leave my husband as I didn't believe that it was an option. Eventually there was no choice as he made very little effort to engage in recovery. It was so painful both the act of divorce and the process of grieving for a life that you knew. I now have my life back...it's been a hard process of re-building and new build but I'm a stronger an more resilient person as a result.
  2. Hi Lilo, How are you doing? Is the trauma therapist helping you make more sense of life? Yes, feeling alive in your body and present in it is such an important step in the healing process. Being in connection with your emotions and beginning to feel able to express them...no matter how visceral they may make you feel or surprising or alarming is vital. My divorce went through in Nov 2018 and we'd been separated since October 2016. I have been through a long process of counselling and therapy and I embraced it all as I knew the only to recover 'myself' was to open myself up to whatever needed healing in my life-from childhood to the present. Even since I finished the counselling about 2 1/2 years ago, I went through an existential crisis of 'who was I'. Again I allowed myself to go through it. I suppose it felt a bit like I was 18/19 again (except I was 56!!!!) and had never gone through it before. Big hug xx
  3. Hi Feeling Fragile, Would it help to express your emotions? Sending you a big hug Chrissy xx
  4. Kay Kay, how are you doing? For me it was the continuous betrayal of trust....and yet I gave him another chance. This betrayal slowly ate away at my trust and my ability to believe in him and believe that he could recover. I trusted in his word on countless occasions and felt I ought to give him yet another chance to change. Eventually his chances to prove that he was taking the relationship seriously ran out. He knew this. I discovered in a work book by Patrick Carnes that his continual non compliance would lead to the relationship breaking. As Tabs has said seeking out a trained therapist who could help with the unravelling and help to give you back some control over your thoughts sounds like a good idea Big hug xx
  5. Kay Kay, Reading your message I was struck by two phrases, 'I can't make sense of my feelings' and 'I don't think he deserves me'. From where I'm sitting there is no sense that you say he doesn't deserve you... Your feelings are in a melting pot of such opposite and contrary emotions at the moment so it's wise not to act on impulse. How can one be treated so well and yet so badly. That does not make sense. Love treats people well in all situations never does it treat people badly. Anna has given good advice insomuch as to look after yourself and your children, those are your responsibilities. His recovery or not is entirely his. Big hug x
  6. Lilo, Thank you for your reply and just to say that what you are feeling is normal. Have you thought anymore about the horse riding? Any other ideas? Singing is such a gift and it can lift the spirit. Are there any ways of using your gift ? A choir? Unfortunately the therapeutic separation became permanent and led to divorce because his behaviour was not safe and I didn't feel safe around him. However each person has their own path which is unique to their situation. Big hug Chrissy xx
  7. Hi Lilo, This absence is such a difficult thing to process. There's a huge hole in your life; a sense of bereftness both physically and emotionally. Huge sense of devastation. There's also a fear that he'll not return, or not want to. It's that numbness that initially comes with bereavement. I went through this a few years ago now as our therapist suggested a 'therapeutic separation'. My ex-husband was completely oblivious to the angst and pain that he was causing so the therapist could see no other option for us than actually 'rescue' me. They wouldn't have necessarily seen it that way and I definitely wouldn't have chosen that path. During the first month I was 'beside myself' with grief and numbness. My adult children took steps so that if he wanted to talk to me all messages had to go via them, I had been married for 30 years.....on the Monday after he left I started a post grad. This actually gave me a focus although on occasion I had to ask for extensions for essays. Lilo, is there something that you can do for yourself ? Something that will absorb your time and energies? What are your interests? This time is an opportunity for you. You're not mad. Yours is a normal reaction to his madness. Big hug xx
  8. Hi Feeling Fragile, That's such a lot of information to process. I'm not surprised you feel numb. What you feel is a normal response to a shock. Be kind to yourself and don't feel you have to respond straight away, allow yourself time to process this information. Sending you a big hug Chrissy x
  9. Hi Tabs, This could so easily have been my ex husband and who knows this could still be a possibility. For his addiction was the acting out in a public place..... The only episode that I know of was when he confessed that he'd 'paid off' some people who saw him, so as not to go to the police! As you say Tabs it's the dopamine high and the miniscule line with the ends justifying the means. There is no risk assessment and that is the crucial lack of brain synapse. Chrissy x
  10. Hi Nort123, Being and feeling anger is a normal response to a betrayal of trust. It really is ok! But I'd draw a line on physical aggression. It took me a long time to tap into my feelings of anger. My ex husband would confess, sometimes a few weeks after an incident, ask for forgiveness and then expect to go back to 'normal' whatever his understanding of normal was. For me there could never be a normal again. Every time the trust was broken (yet again) a tiny bit of me died inside. Our intimacy was shattered but it took me a long time and a lot of self discovery to understand that concept. Be gentle on yourself Nort123, you are dealing with so much pain. Our minds struggle to be able to process the ordinary things of life, like hold down a job or raise kids, when our minds are 'frozen' in the pain. Creativity and joy suffer so much due to the quantity of energy spent in the 'making sense of' a traumatic experience. Big hug xx
  11. Gem Gem, Please know that you're accepted here just as you are. We all have our stories to tell and that each and every is valid and worthy to be heard. You are definitely not insane or going mad as I though I was! The addict is able to compartmentalise their behaviours and feelings which I understand as the splitting of their personality to cope with the duality of their life. We believe perhaps that we are 'going mad' because to my way of thinking we, the healthy partner is being forced to 'split' too. Our heads cannot cope with that as we strive to be authentic people. For us healthy individuals it is, what you see is what you get and being content and happy in our own skin. A question Gem Gem , what are you doing to look after you? It may be time to start to love yourself and take care of you for your child. We are not responsible for the addict partner...I wish I'd realised that sooner and stopped trying to 'fix' him. We can see through our 'healthy' lens what the addicts should be doing in our opinions. The fact is we would be moving heaven and earth to improve things, whereas many addicts are so stuck in their destructive behaviour they are incapable of getting out. Big hug xx
  12. Gem Gem, if this is an outlet to share your feelings and help to process your pain then use this forum. Please don't feel that those difficult feelings are not welcome here....they are. This is the real you. It's also really crucial that others who are on the same journey but perhaps are unable to express their emotions 'hear' yours and so begin to be able to appropriate those same feelings for themselves. I didn't really get angry with my ex husband until about a year and a half after he'd left, such was the trauma and warped thinking I had experienced. But hey when I found my voice and got angry I was swearing and feeling such aggression towards him for about 3 months! At first I was very surprised at the depth of feelings I experienced, I suppose really due to the suppression of them for so long. Also the swearing which if anyone knows me would say was totally out of character! However my adult children thought this was real liberation for their mum. I agree that there is zero trust and that the thought of a sex life with him filled me with revulsion. Yes there is grief too.... the grieving process is an up and down journey but it's trajectory is forward. Big hug Gem Gem xx
  13. Gem Gem thank you for being real, for being you, for sharing your frustrations and distress. Your husband feels he's the victim of the addiction...he is in a way, but not the real victims who are you and your son. You are not stupid, you may feel it. I did when I bit by bit unearthed the addiction of my ex husband. I felt how naïve I'd been to trust this guy who had hung, drawn and quartered our marriage. Yes there had been glimpses of recognition from time to time but his old patterns of behaviour returned time and time again. I felt caught up in a web of deceit and duplicity and that I felt powerless to escape. On one occasion I nearly crashed on my bike into a mum with her child in a buggy. I felt that life was a blur, as if I was in a bubble, muffled voices around me. I felt in a parallel universe. My ex too seemed to think that he could just beg for forgiveness and then 'rinse and repeat'. He really had no idea of the damage that he'd done and to this day I truly believe that he still doesn't. Gem Gem please reach out and get help. As Christine says take an hour at a time. There are many on this forum who have been through or still going through very similar experiences to yours. You are not alone. A big hug to you x
  14. Hi KayKay, How have the last few weeks been? It's so difficult to lift yourself up after feeling so let down. It's even more difficult to 'hold yourself' in this time of pain and be there for your partner. In the past what has enabled him to see he's relapsed? Has it been you showing him or him coming to his own conclusions? Sending a big hug xx
  15. Hi Mona, So sorry to hear about your situation. Arhhhh! From my understanding being a wife may mean giving unconditional support but not unilaterally being responsible and certainly not his for his behaviour. Supporting doesn't mean treading on egg shells around him or being afraid you'd hurt his feelings therefore not challenging him on issues that affect you both. This is tough love to coin a phrase. You are not a doormat to calmly accept your husband as he is...... Mental health issues are complex and individual according to each couple. From my experience I reckon that my former husband's depression/bi-polar/OCD or whatever he has quite frankly is partly a result of his addiction and his internal conflicts and the 'splitting' of his personality as the result of living in two worlds. It may be that your husband had this addiction before he met you and saw in you someone who could 'cure' him because you love him completely. I have come to understand that my husband thought that...not consciously at all, but as I who could satisfy all his needs. Unfortunately the sad reality may be that an addict gets his 'kicks' from his acting out behaviour and not from a loving relationship. Mona, getting help for both of you is vitally important and be specific for sex addiction. Sending you a big hug xx
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