Thanks for the messages. Addiction for me was slow. What started as fun, enjoyment and relaxation gradually became a habit. From watching porn pictures to masturbation and then to watching women and men performing on camera and then slowly to wanting to act out with these people. Sex addiction held on to me very tightly. I forgot that I had bills to pay, family to look after and wasted the opportunities at job. Most of the money I earned went to escorts and by the end of the month I had to ask my friends to pay for my bills. Over the last 4 years this cycle has only grown stronger.
In 2017 I started realizing that this is something I had to work upon. I quit my job to pursue studies, thinking that I would never act out sexually in such and such a manner if I changed the environment or the city or the context. Guess what, I was wrong, I did not address the issue only tried to suppress it. I did try to get some help but did not know how to find one. Shame and guilt made me NOT to admit this hopeless situation I was in. I always thought I could control this behavior. For me not using phone, putting filters in mobile , laptop or not going at night, not getting drunk etc. did not work and eventually I acted out sexually. Every small anxiety, fear and resentment lead me to act out. My only hope(?) to overcome a difficult situation was to act out!
I got some help by joining a 12 step program called Sex Addicts Anonymous. I was perplexed by the concept of Higher Power. Usually non religious people have issues with the idea that the Creator as supreme being holds everything together and the creation and that we are not heading towards nothingness. But here I was with agnostic/non religious people telling me about the concept of a higher power, In 2018 I joined the SAA group but was very infrequent to the meetings or doing the steps.
In principle the 12 step is a simple program. I say this because I have been on off with it in the last two years. Simplicity actually makes this program difficult to follow. I simply could not accept what my sponsor told me. Had it been something difficult I would have accepted and tried my best to do better. We don't have to be perfect to follow this program, the program only demands honesty and willingness to go to any lengths to be free from the addiction. The heavy stuff of removing this addiction comes from "the higher power" who takes care of our needs if we stick close. In my opinion the 12 step program is not therapy but it is a reliance on the Higher Power to remove this addiction.
I have seen this program work for me. As I said there is a long way to go as I have only started, but I have seen how this program works for my sponsor, for people whom I listen to in SAA talks, for people who told us that they wanted to lock themselves in their homes because they could not control their sexual acting out.