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squirrel74

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  1. Hi everyone. I'm going to apologise in advance for the lengthy post. I don't think i've ever posted in a forum before but I feel so helpless at the moment and have no-one to turn to. So I first discovered that my partner had created social media accounts to talk to women around 8 years ago, the conversations were sexual and involved sending pictures etc. He had also been excessively viewing porn and visiting cam sites. We decided to work through it... he started counselling and it took a lot of time but we gradually began to build trust again. Around two years later, i found out he had reactivated his own facebook account (he deleted this when he began to get sober as a way to stop any temptation, and also because I would never have trusted him on it). He had searched for some of the people he had talked to back when he had the accounts, and at the time that was enough for to break any trust we had rebuilt, and we split up. I know that during this period he began creating accounts and viewing pornography again, but after about 6 months he reached out and told me he had seen the error in his ways and had decided to turn his life around. We became friends again and gradually our relationship built and we got back together at the beginning of 2017. I liked to view this as a clean slate, and i (probably foolishly) thought that he was changed. We saved up to buy a house together (we are in our late 20s) and we got the keys only two months ago. I had never been happier with our relationship, however, i must have still had doubts because last night I checked his laptop, and found some hidden history folders which showed that he had been viewing porn (not for the past few months, but frequently throughout last year). He had promised me over and over again that he wasn't watching porn, and i feel so betrayed that he lied to me after everything he has already put me through. Last night I begged him to tell me about anything else, and he told me that at some point last year he created a social media account, he used it to add some people we know and talk to them, but he decided to delete it after a few months because he didn't like what he was doing. He said he never received any pictures from these people, but I have no way no know this, and I imagine the conversations were sexual. I feel so broken and helpless. Now I have no idea what to do... is it even worth carrying on with our relationship? Firstly, I still don't trust that he is telling me the truth about everything, and secondly I don't know how I will ever rebuild that trust that has been broken so many times. I always had a feeling that during his counselling, he was not open about everything. I have the feeling he did it because it's what I wanted, and he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, not wanting to go deep enough into the issues for it to be any help to him. I feel like the only way we can continue is if he commits to therapy properly, but I don't even know if that will work or if he is really willing to change. If we separate, I will feel so embarrassed about our relationship falling apart so soon after buying a house together, and then there's all of the issues about how I will afford the property on my own etc, which I know shouldn't be a deciding factor, but it is on my mind. It's worth mentioning that putting this aside, he is the most loving and supportive partner I could wish for, he would do anything for me (except having the willpower to crack this addiction, it seems) and I love him so much. I want it to be able to work but I just don't see how it's possible. Am i being a fool? Should i give up on the whole relationship? He says he doesn't want to put me through any more pain, and while the thing he most wants is to sort himself out and rebuild our relationship, he doesn't want to cause me any more pain. He said he feels like killing himself so I don't have to deal with him anymore, which is really upsetting for me... and I find myself wanting to reach out and support him not to feel this way, but I realise that's putting his needs above my own and I feel like I shouldn't be feeling sorry for him. Sorry again for the length of this, any advice would be so much appreciated. I don't want to speak to any family or friends, because if we do decide to give it another go, I don't want them to judge either of us.
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