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Maeday last won the day on August 25 2020

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  1. Hi Irene, I just read your post and wanted to say that you sound like a very strong woman. I don't know if it will help you, but Relate offer excellent couple counselling and have sex therapists who deal with the feelings SA brings from both sides. It must be a very confusing time for you and it's heartbreaking to hear that this feeling is 'familiar' due to past trauma. I understand your comment because I spent a long time accepting appalling treatment because that familiar feeling somehow felt safe (even though it was the absolute opposite). Please remember that you are not alone. You are dealing with mind blowing, life changing issues and have a right to be heard and have your feelings understood and respected. Sending love M
  2. Sunflower, I'm not sure if we're supposed to (or whether you would like to), but I'm always open to a chat. Totally understand if you're not interested in that, just a thought as it's difficult to find other people with non judgemental attitudes and insight. Mae
  3. Thankyou, that's a very comforting thing to hear. Talking definitely helps in my experience. I wonder whether we can actually emerge stronger from this...I strangely feel closer to my husband now he's beginning to open up to me. Feeling on the outside of your own relationship is soul destroying, especially if you're fears are constantly batted away. Thankyou again, I appreciate your strength.
  4. Thankyou Firefly, hope it's okay to piggyback on this post. It sometimes feels as this can make sense prior to, or post event, but when in the moment it's almost too painful to unpack without emotion. Can I ask, did you ever have an issue with ogling? That's the sticking point for me that I can't get my head around. My husband is working very hard to curb this behaviour (it was never overt and he's not a stereotypical ogler), but it hurts just as much when I see him desperately trying to control his compulsion as it does when he surreptitiously looks. There's very little to read and therefore understand on this topic, but I think it may impact many more partners of SA than we know or understand. I'm told the looking doesn't create sexual fantasies, but that is even more confusing. I'm overwhelmed...
  5. Hello All, I'm new to this site and am just discovering SA as a concept after a few years of my husband surreptitiously ogling other women in my presence became too much for me to take. A few months ago he admitted the ogling was an issue, but attempted to minimise by saying such things as he was a people watcher, couldn't remember doing it etc. He didn't reach out for support because of Covid, my concern for him finding the correct counselling etc. etc, excuse, excuse. A few days ago I lost it after another episode of feeling uncomfortable while out with him and something finally clicked where he realised he was at risk of me leaving. Disclosure came in a minimalist form again, then after deep discussion/argument he admitted he has a major issue and basically is compelled to look at literally every woman (although he denies sexual gratification from this) he sees. This disclosure made me actually feel closer to him and he opened up further a few days later. So far I have: he thinks he may be bisexual as he ogles men as well as women, has had multiple one night stands with previous relationships (totally denies being unfaithful to me even online). He's also previously slept with his estranged brother's wife in the past, had sex with women he found repulsive from dating websites and very much fantasises about me with other men. He insists there isn't any other disclosure to make, but I think there may be more to come. His porn use has diminished now apparently, which I kind of believe. If there is more I desperately want him to just say it all, the idea of a drip feed of information terrifies me. We have decided to try to work through this together and he is waiting for an invitation to attend SAA. We also require couple and personal counselling, but I want to see whether he takes the initiative for this. He's always been a loving man, but has ramped up the attention he shows me. I feel as though we need a list of boundaries and rules, but don't know how to broach it or what they should be. We've already decided on code words for the ogling so I can escape humiliating situations by him changing what he is doing or responding with another code word if I was honestly mistaken that time (trying to build an honest picture of what triggers, him, me and reality). I hate feeling like his mum by giving him rules, but I need peace of mind. I was thinking: 1. Code words as discussed 2. Beginning to draft a letter of disclosure from start to finish including anything he's missed out (no matter how awful). So I'm not facing a drip effect. I would want this by the time we go away in three weeks (too soon)? 3. Complete honesty on both sides. 4. Him keeping a private diary and separate list of triggers for that day and an honest account of how he dealt with them for me to read alone each evening (would this re-trigger him)? Knowledge is everything to me and this would help me build a picture of what we're facing. 5. A weekly debrief about what is working, what isn't, feelings, any other business etc. 6. An understanding of my feelings throughout the process. 7. A vital commitment to the exploration of sex/lust in all forms as a couple only. In return I commit to: 1. Doing all I can to commit to the relationship, regardless of any harsh truths, as long as responsibility for truth and recovery is taken seriously and committed to wholeheartedly and positively. 2. To offer as much love and support as I can. 3. To respect any possible discovery of sexuality with kindness and compassion. 4. To be honest and open and respond to any questions with complete honesty (no matter how difficult this may be for me). I'm confused why I feel so much calmer and closer to my husband after disclosure, but it feels natural and right so I'm going with it. I was thinking of simply showing him this email and talking through it together. Any and all comments would be appreciated. One last thing. We have a very exciting and adventurous sex life normally and this has been even better the last few days. Is there anything that we should refrain from as he enters this journey? I'm terrified of making the situation worse. I sincerely hope that comment isn't inconsiderate to anybody. Thank you for reading. M
  6. Hello, I'm very keen to hear from men struggling with SA and/or partners with similar issues. I'm struggling to make sense of my husband's situation as I want to support him. The situation is that my husband has always had a very strong need for sex. When we first met he would want to do it until he literally couldn't feel anything any longer (which made me feel incredibly desired at the time). Sex has continued to be important and we have experimented to the point of attending a sex club together, but not going with other people. If anything my husband gets off on the idea of me being with other men rather than the other way. Fast forward a year or two and health, work stress, house move etc. slowed us down a little. My husband feels he has lost a lot of sex drive and sometimes struggles to finish. If this happens I often find myself talking to him about being with other men and he becomes very responsive. The issue now is that I have really started to notice him surreptitiously looking at other women while with me. It's as though it's a compulsion and he has to attempt to hide several peeks. I find this disrespectful and wonder, if he is that desperate for a look of a woman while I'm stood there, what the hell is he up to when I'm not? I call him on it and for a few years he has totally denied everything. It took me basically stating that if it really was in my head I required psychiatric support and medication and book an appointment with the doctor for him to admit that he has had the occasional look in my presence. I sensed that this was the bare minimum he would divulge for fear of losing me (he's been abandoned a lot since infancy) and definitely has attachment issues. Nothing much happened until I brought the issue up again due to the way the looking was making me feel about myself and he admitted he had an issue. Then lock down happened and as frontline staff we became busy, which gave him an excuse not to seek help. We are now in a position where it's happening so often I feel uncomfortable going out with him. I either feel like a miserable, old Mother Hubbard checking hes not being naughty and looking or invisible. He often denies it and moves immediately into putting the shutters up therefore, belittling my intuition (it's like a weird atmosphere change when it happens...like a change in his aura). However, after a few lovely days away to be ruined by a last minute check out of a woman in a pub while I was there I lost it and became a little less reasonable. I wrongly reminded him that none of the young women he was checking out would be interested in him and that while he was putting all his energy into sneaky peeks of her another man was doing the same to me while sat with his partner. We argued bitterly, he was mostly telling me that he knew I wanted out of the relationship...basically deflecting onto me. I said I'd had enough. I sent him the details of SA Anonymous the following day and he signed up as soon as he got home. We spoke and he disclosed that hed had affairs when married to two of his wives. He also slept with his estranged brother's then wife. He absolutely denies ever using sex workers. He also feels that he can't remember lots of the looking incidents I do. I'm now wondering whether I'm pushing him into getting support for an issue that's actually mine. I don't know whether it's me feeling insecure and he is not actually looking. It's literally eating me up. I've communicated this and he tells me he needs help. What does that even mean? Maybe my intuition is totally off. Does looking happen because he's bored with me? How can his sex drive nose dive, but interest in younger women grow? I'm exhausted... Thanks to anybody who actually read to the end of my ramblings. X
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