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Freddiebear last won the day on October 5

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  1. Hi Firefly Please can you advise me. I’m having a pretty tough weekend with lockdown angst, bereavement and other family issues. It’s just over 6 months since I discovered quite by chance that my ‘perfect’ husband was a PA when I borrowed his iphone to hook up to the Bluetooth speaker as mine was flat and saw his top hit quite by chance. He doesn’t know anything about private browsing and there it was. He’s told me that he’s never taken it further even though he surfed images for between 5 and 8 years, can’t or won’t explain why and assures me he will never do it again because he doesn’t want to lose me. I retired 2 years ago and I’m the tech savvy one so turned on WiFi filter and hey presto no surfing so I’ve taken control of the addiction He doesn’t know he could use 4g on his iPhone and there’s no evidence of taking it further although I’ve not probed extensively however when I found out he smashed the iPad he had used so he can’t prove he’s never acted out, met anyone or done anything other than surf images. He says he didn’t even masturbate. is it possible this is true? he said he’s so sorry and will never do this again and is so determined he doesn’t need help however I feel as though I’m the one affected most; the revelation governs what we do, what I talk about, what we watch - almost as though I’m the one being punished and yet he’s the perpetrator who is sorry but taking no action . He said he’ll go to counselling if I want him to because he doesn’t want to lose me and sees how hurt I am. Everything he stands to lose has always been where it is and he chose to surf, consequently I’ve no idea what to believe. any advice is much appreciated xxx
  2. Thank you, we’ve had a rubbish day. My husband fully admits his addiction and is terrified of losing me so determined it won’t happen again. As I said he’s hopeless with technology and I control the WiFi filter so is not possible. We are retired and spend 24/7 together both out of choice and due to lockdown so it’s all positive however, my memory can’t be erased and the hurt remains xx
  3. Thank you so much for your posts. My husband too went to boarding school aged 8 he was flown from the Middle East to the UK and saw his family sporadically. He boxes things off in much the same way and while he says he loved boarding school I’m not convinced. He says his PA only started on retiring when I still worked full time and it was caused by boredom. I can deal with the PA which He only ever watched and never acted upon either physically ir literally ; this has stopped as I’m now retired and control the WiFi so he can’t access it. For me the worst part is that he said he preferred to watch 20-30 year olds. I’m 62 and that remark has devastated me. We’ve had a really hard weekend and I’m in the spare room now with palpitations wondering how it’s going to end. Any advice would be appreciated.
  4. Sorry to add on a more positive note I’ve been so preoccupied with all of the other issues I’ve not had time to worry about him, it’s almost 6 months since I found out and I’m fairly certain he never progressed from watching porn as he’s too afraid of technology to do anything else and I have always had access to his email and the mobile phone bill comes to me. That’s doesn’t mean I’m not appalled he could damage our relationship, betray my trust and make the choice to watch in the first place but the advice on here to take one day at a time has helped me hugely and I’m very very grateful for the friendship and opportunity to vent. Thank you all xxx
  5. Hi IAmEnough, how kind of you to ask. My mum died two weeks ago and her funeral was Thursday. I’m just waiting for the next catastrophe to be hurled at me. She wasn’t the nicest person, we aren’t a close family as she alienated people and there’s only me as my older sister died 8 years ago at 56 and my younger sister refuses to have any contact with her. My husband has been supportive but not sympathetic which, given she couldn’t even get his name right (we’ve been together 24 years ) isn’t unforgivable but when I was upset his first question was ,’ is it about me? ‘ I know he’s remorseful, sad, ashamed etc but his porn addiction is just another thing to deal with at present. His stepmother sent me a email basically saying ‘you don’t know what grief is until you’ve lost a partner‘ and to cap it all we are locked down again, it’s raining and the darker nights are coming. What a memorable year for all of the wrong reasons.
  6. Hi Ellie, I too have told no one because I think everyone would be so shocked they’d be bursting to discuss it with someone. Also I met a friend recently who was having group therapy for anxiety and he said, guess who I saw there? Then revealed it was someone we both knew. I find this forum is excellent for letting off steam, realising you aren’t alone and that there’s always someone to give advice. Stay strong and put yourself first xx
  7. This may sound odd but lockdown helped me because I couldn’t go anywhere so we had to stay at home, there’s just 2 of us, and i persistently questioned and questioned. It was very very intense but we had to face each other all day every day. I think if I had left immediately I may not have had the opportunity to examine our relationship so intensely for so long. It was immensely hard but worth the angst and hammered home just how hurt and betrayed I felt and also how sorry and ashamed he is.
  8. Domino I’m so happy for you and hope it brings you some peace. I’m considering this although I have found no evidence of cheating, messaging etc. He’s a technophobe and I found out about the addiction because he couldn’t delete his browser history. He says he’s only ever viewed porn but I still question why he’s never progressed to the next stage and he said because he would consider even masturbation to be cheating however he’s a compulsive liar over the most trivial things so I worry. I don’t know whether to press for it or let sleeping dogs lie.
  9. Hi, I too feel the same. My ‘perfect’ husband has spent years watching porn. I’ve no idea how many but I think between 5 and 8. I thought we had it perfect and three weeks into lockdown the bombshell happened. He even watched it In bed when I was asleep. He swears nothing else, no acting out and I believe him but I’m devastated and have told no one other than this group. In the ensuing weeks my daughter in law decided she no longer wanted to be married or look after her children consequently my son is getting divorced and juggling work and childcare, my stepson declared he had fought with his wife because he admitted he no longer finds her attractive, we had a car crash, my friend and his wife separated and then my mum died 2 weeks ago. We are now back in lockdown, the weather is miserable and I’m dreading winter. My husband is sorry and swears it won’t happen again and it can’t as I control WiFi filters etc but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life policing our relationship. I’m the one worrying about Boredom in the winter, he seems to think every time I’m sad it’s about him and I’ve had so much to deal with I’m at breaking point. Finding a balance to discuss it is nigh on impossible but we are reaching 6 months since the discovery and it’s getting better. Paulas book is great but I read it in sound bites as it hammers home the enormity of the betrayal I feel and I can’t face it yet. He’s lovely in every other way, kind, funny and I adore him but I’ve no idea how to get over this and it’s changed my life completely from what I talk to him about to what we watch on tv. I’ve lost my best friend and it’s so sad. This forum is my confidant and my hope xx
  10. For me it comes in waves, for a couple of weeks it’s great then the enormity of it pops into my head and the questions present itself. Why, when, what can I believe, what’s wrong with me, what do I believe... it’s endless. My husband is trying hard to be perfect, very attentive and loving but exasperated when the questions start, last night was ‘Do we have to go through this again?’ He ended up crying I ended up comforting him and apologised for upsetting him. It’s so hard. I wish there was a book setting out stages and timescales
  11. My husband was sent to boarding school in UK from Iran at 8 years old but his sister stayed at home., he travelled alone and he’s 66 so it was far different to travelling today. He compartmentalises issues particularly those which are unpleasant or emotive and this is undoubtedly as result of being sent away at such a young age. . He’s watched online porn for about 5 yrs after he retired while I still worked but didn’t masturbate it take it any further; he said boredom was the trigger and I believe him. He’s not on social media and technically inept so I set up his email and help with any computer stuff. He’s only ever used his iPad to view and I have turned on parental controls so it’s inaccessible. Bizarrely as it seems I feel lucky in comparison to other partners although totally devastated. He’s the perfect husband, dad and grandad in all other respects . We’re struggling but determined this won’t define us.
  12. Freddiebear


    I really feel for you and wondered if it would help to let you know that 4 months in I still have days like this, the mind has amazing ways of manifesting the hurt, shock and trauma you have experienced. I can honestly say that it gets better but there are still days when I feel absolutely blindsided and these come out of the blue without warning.. Focus on the positive parts of your relationship because they will be the basis for rebuilding if that’s what you chose to do and they will also remind you of happier times. There’s no quick fix or remedy it’s time and talking for me. We’ve not gone down the route of therapy so far, WiFi is off and there was never any contact by text or in person. He’s a technophobe, I set up and have access to emails accounts etc so I know he’s telling me the truth that it was only visual and nothing more. It’s still hideous and I’m dealing with loads of other family stuff and putting a face on. It’s hard and was a total shock but we are working through it. I find the forums immensely helpful especially the anonymity as I don’t want anyone to know. Be kind to yourself xxxx
  13. I feel the same as you Sunflower. I’m an educated woman and understand all about the dopamine high but...he made the choice to look quite a few times to get addicted and I struggle with this. He’s never explained why, he just regurgitates reasons I’ve suggested and my life currently feels a total sham. Be strong and love yourself xxx
  14. I found out 3 weeks into lockdown , there’s good and bad days. I cope by putting it out of my mind, focussing on his many good points and even pretending it didn’t happen. I have no idea if he’s told me everything but take comfort in the fact he is hopeless at technology so doubt if he has contacted anyone - he assured me he hasn’t but he has a history of lying to me about trivial things. What I have learned is I’m stronger than I realised but I also feel desperately betrayed and that the past 20 years have no solid foundation. It will get better - try little things like pampering yourself. Warm baths and taking pleasure in family/children which give a sense of normality . I’m sending you hugs and you’re not alone, the forums are very supportive xx
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