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Freddiebear last won the day on January 20

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About Freddiebear

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  1. Thank you, it’s a huge relief to have this resource and be able to draw on experience and professional expertise. I feel that we are ‘getting there’ albeit slowly and in a 2 steps forward 1 step back approach. Lockdown bizarrely has helped because we have been forced to be together and many aspects of our relationship have improved but it’s a work in progress.
  2. We’ve discussed counselling and agree it’s an option. Everything we read talks about finding out why it happened. My view is he retired from a high pressured job after 40 years and I remained working in a high pressured job. I was out of the house 12-14 hours a day, he was bored and lonely with a new iPad. The To Do list was exhausted and he started surfing the net and stumbled across it which spiked his curiosity and he became hooked. Only viewing nothing else. It’s not happened before when we had a laptop and he was working. It seems to me the old adage ‘ the devil finds work for idle hands’. We are together 24/7 as I’ve retired and we work together on a casual basis so there’s no opportunity and no boredom or loneliness. It’s been 9 months . Are we kidding ourselves that we can do it together without resorting to costly therapy.? He’s not a clue how to change WiFi or phone filters, he couldn’t even delete his browsing history which is how I found out. Even if he wanted to he couldn’t . Any views are really welcome.
  3. Can anyone tell me if finding out ‘why’ is essential. My husband can’t surf the web and hasn’t for 8 months, he assures me he doesn’t have any withdrawal symptoms or urges however we are struggling to keep afloat
  4. Hi Kaykay its really hard isn’t it? At times I feel overwhelmed that this is my reality and he’s lied so much I have no idea if he ever tells me the truth. Consequently I believe nothing and question everything including compliments he pays me. How can he go from indifference towards me to besotted overnight after I discovered his dirty little secret.? Sometimes I comfort myself by thinking he was only watching movies but - they weren’t movies of me or anyone who looked like me; it was done in a cloak and dagger fashion including watching while lying next to me in bed while I slept. I’m having awful panic attacks and I’m so stressed most days. His answers change each time incorporating things I’ve said previously such as reasons it may have happened, whether he ever tried to stop, if he considered the consequences. We go round and round considering therapy but nothing is resolved. It’s always me raising the addiction, looking for solutions and burying my feelings. I can’t see any end to it, I pretend to be happy but I’m not fooling myself.
  5. Thank you so much for your reply. He physically can’t watch as I control everything and we spend 24 hrs together. We are both devastated and he swears he wouldn’t watch even if he could but I will never take the WiFi filters down so it’s not going to be tested. I can’t see how therapy will help, even if he finds out why he was hooked in to it, it won’t wipe our memories. I take comfort in fact we love each other intensely and we are moving forward slowly with the bad days becoming further apart. I consider myself lucky that he didn’t do anything other than watch because that would be a different outcome. Stay safe and thank you for this forum and confidential support, it is invaluable. Xx
  6. I’ve not posted for a while, life sort of got in the way and to be honest I tend to pretend it’s all ok in the hope that one day it will be. I’m having a tough day. It’s 8 months now since I found out my husband was a PA, I switched off the WiFi and I know there’s been no viewing as I can access everything. We had one session of therapy with a schoolmarm therapist who treat my husband as if he were a naughty schoolboy. My husband has gone cold turkey but assures me he has no cravings and all is well. Is this possible after viewing prolifically fir at where between 5 and 8 years?
  7. Hi Firefly Please can you advise me. I’m having a pretty tough weekend with lockdown angst, bereavement and other family issues. It’s just over 6 months since I discovered quite by chance that my ‘perfect’ husband was a PA when I borrowed his iphone to hook up to the Bluetooth speaker as mine was flat and saw his top hit quite by chance. He doesn’t know anything about private browsing and there it was. He’s told me that he’s never taken it further even though he surfed images for between 5 and 8 years, can’t or won’t explain why and assures me he will never do it again because he doesn’t want to lose me. I retired 2 years ago and I’m the tech savvy one so turned on WiFi filter and hey presto no surfing so I’ve taken control of the addiction He doesn’t know he could use 4g on his iPhone and there’s no evidence of taking it further although I’ve not probed extensively however when I found out he smashed the iPad he had used so he can’t prove he’s never acted out, met anyone or done anything other than surf images. He says he didn’t even masturbate. is it possible this is true? he said he’s so sorry and will never do this again and is so determined he doesn’t need help however I feel as though I’m the one affected most; the revelation governs what we do, what I talk about, what we watch - almost as though I’m the one being punished and yet he’s the perpetrator who is sorry but taking no action . He said he’ll go to counselling if I want him to because he doesn’t want to lose me and sees how hurt I am. Everything he stands to lose has always been where it is and he chose to surf, consequently I’ve no idea what to believe. any advice is much appreciated xxx
  8. Thank you, we’ve had a rubbish day. My husband fully admits his addiction and is terrified of losing me so determined it won’t happen again. As I said he’s hopeless with technology and I control the WiFi filter so is not possible. We are retired and spend 24/7 together both out of choice and due to lockdown so it’s all positive however, my memory can’t be erased and the hurt remains xx
  9. Thank you so much for your posts. My husband too went to boarding school aged 8 he was flown from the Middle East to the UK and saw his family sporadically. He boxes things off in much the same way and while he says he loved boarding school I’m not convinced. He says his PA only started on retiring when I still worked full time and it was caused by boredom. I can deal with the PA which He only ever watched and never acted upon either physically ir literally ; this has stopped as I’m now retired and control the WiFi so he can’t access it. For me the worst part is that he said he preferred to watch 20-30 year olds. I’m 62 and that remark has devastated me. We’ve had a really hard weekend and I’m in the spare room now with palpitations wondering how it’s going to end. Any advice would be appreciated.
  10. Sorry to add on a more positive note I’ve been so preoccupied with all of the other issues I’ve not had time to worry about him, it’s almost 6 months since I found out and I’m fairly certain he never progressed from watching porn as he’s too afraid of technology to do anything else and I have always had access to his email and the mobile phone bill comes to me. That’s doesn’t mean I’m not appalled he could damage our relationship, betray my trust and make the choice to watch in the first place but the advice on here to take one day at a time has helped me hugely and I’m very very grateful for the friendship and opportunity to vent. Thank you all xxx
  11. Hi IAmEnough, how kind of you to ask. My mum died two weeks ago and her funeral was Thursday. I’m just waiting for the next catastrophe to be hurled at me. She wasn’t the nicest person, we aren’t a close family as she alienated people and there’s only me as my older sister died 8 years ago at 56 and my younger sister refuses to have any contact with her. My husband has been supportive but not sympathetic which, given she couldn’t even get his name right (we’ve been together 24 years ) isn’t unforgivable but when I was upset his first question was ,’ is it about me? ‘ I know he’s remorseful, sad, ashamed etc but his porn addiction is just another thing to deal with at present. His stepmother sent me a email basically saying ‘you don’t know what grief is until you’ve lost a partner‘ and to cap it all we are locked down again, it’s raining and the darker nights are coming. What a memorable year for all of the wrong reasons.
  12. Hi Ellie, I too have told no one because I think everyone would be so shocked they’d be bursting to discuss it with someone. Also I met a friend recently who was having group therapy for anxiety and he said, guess who I saw there? Then revealed it was someone we both knew. I find this forum is excellent for letting off steam, realising you aren’t alone and that there’s always someone to give advice. Stay strong and put yourself first xx
  13. This may sound odd but lockdown helped me because I couldn’t go anywhere so we had to stay at home, there’s just 2 of us, and i persistently questioned and questioned. It was very very intense but we had to face each other all day every day. I think if I had left immediately I may not have had the opportunity to examine our relationship so intensely for so long. It was immensely hard but worth the angst and hammered home just how hurt and betrayed I felt and also how sorry and ashamed he is.
  14. Domino I’m so happy for you and hope it brings you some peace. I’m considering this although I have found no evidence of cheating, messaging etc. He’s a technophobe and I found out about the addiction because he couldn’t delete his browser history. He says he’s only ever viewed porn but I still question why he’s never progressed to the next stage and he said because he would consider even masturbation to be cheating however he’s a compulsive liar over the most trivial things so I worry. I don’t know whether to press for it or let sleeping dogs lie.
  15. Hi, I too feel the same. My ‘perfect’ husband has spent years watching porn. I’ve no idea how many but I think between 5 and 8. I thought we had it perfect and three weeks into lockdown the bombshell happened. He even watched it In bed when I was asleep. He swears nothing else, no acting out and I believe him but I’m devastated and have told no one other than this group. In the ensuing weeks my daughter in law decided she no longer wanted to be married or look after her children consequently my son is getting divorced and juggling work and childcare, my stepson declared he had fought with his wife because he admitted he no longer finds her attractive, we had a car crash, my friend and his wife separated and then my mum died 2 weeks ago. We are now back in lockdown, the weather is miserable and I’m dreading winter. My husband is sorry and swears it won’t happen again and it can’t as I control WiFi filters etc but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life policing our relationship. I’m the one worrying about Boredom in the winter, he seems to think every time I’m sad it’s about him and I’ve had so much to deal with I’m at breaking point. Finding a balance to discuss it is nigh on impossible but we are reaching 6 months since the discovery and it’s getting better. Paulas book is great but I read it in sound bites as it hammers home the enormity of the betrayal I feel and I can’t face it yet. He’s lovely in every other way, kind, funny and I adore him but I’ve no idea how to get over this and it’s changed my life completely from what I talk to him about to what we watch on tv. I’ve lost my best friend and it’s so sad. This forum is my confidant and my hope xx
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