Tess

Hi, I am new and just starting to realise the enormity of the task ahead of me while my husband of 26 years is still in denial. I discovered his infidelity over a long period of time - a drip of tiny bits of information (after 10 years of total denial) some breakthroughs and then retracting back. It was / is so confusing I don't really know when I 'knew' or what came when. Then 18 months ago he told me much more. Multiple one night stands and using massage parlours and sex workers. After the shock and waves of emotion, I felt almost relieved because I thought this was THE break through and he would finally open up. Unfortunately we went to couple counselling rather than to a specialist SA counsellor - because at the time I didn't know what had been happening was SA and we didn't define it as that. The counsellor helped bring us together, but the SA was treated in the same way as an affair and there was no full disclosure. My husband told the counsellor, as he told me that he had stopped 'all that' 5 years ago and that now I knew it was 'over' that was that. He has no handle on why he did what he did, and remains closed, scared, shameful but defensive. As a result I have no way of re building trust or knowing if he is still acting out but hiding even better. My issues with the lack of trust and lack of true intimacy have started to become THE issues of the relationship. I have started counselling for myself and after unpacking my story the counsellor straight away said - that sounds very much like SA to me. I went away and read about 6 books and everything suddenly makes sense - it is like the scales falling from my eyes. I am feeling all the emotions but actually feeling stronger and aware of how important it is for me to stop trying to fix 'us' and concentrate on re building my own sense of self. The issue now is how to even broach the idea of SA to my husband. What have other people done? Should I just say and ask him to read the books and see - or should I make seeing a counsellor himself a part of an urgent first step in recovery? I don't want him to do it for me, I want him to do it for himself but without some prompting he would definitely not consider himself SA. Any advice on how those first or early conversations went with you would be much appreciated.