Natalieb

Hi @Chrissy thanks for your message 🙂 that’s so great to hear that you’re doing so much better. Sometimes I think being the partner in something like this can feel such a lonely place with no end in site so always good to hear that people can come out the other side and actually be doing better. You definitely made some points that are try to me. The loss of control is definitely one of them. I feel as though by keeping in what I know I have some sort of control over the situation, of course I know deep down I have no control over snagging he does. He like I say doesn’t know I know anything although I have dropped many a hint and when he’s away for work I say to him not to do anything as there is so much to loose. He of course swears he won’t the boys and I are all he wants and the annoying thing is there’s always this silly part of me that hopes and wants to believe what he’s saying. Of course he always lets me down. Interesting u say about split personality because I’ve often wondered if he has something like that, because as he lies to my face and makes promises that he isn’t and would never do anything he almost looks to believe every word he’s saying. Like this lying cheating person he is when he leaves the house for work is a totally different one to the loving man who returns home. I have a close friend who knows what’s going on and also his mum so it helps to speak to people but my friend is very much of the opinion get rid and that he is as u say physiologically abusing me. I somehow fail to see that what he’s doing because he doesn’t know I know a thing?! Am I blocking out the truth do u think? big hugs returned your way x

Hi @Kaykay thanks for your message 🙂 i have thought so many times about how I could confront him, whether I should be angry or try and talk understandingly to him. I’ve thought how great it would feel to send him a text telling all the things I know to his secret phone and I imagine the look on his face and the satisfaction I would feel that he would realise I’m not a stupid fool who has no clue. Trouble is that initial feeling wouldn’t last long because I would then have to deal with the consequences of where we go from there. I’m terrified of him going and what will happen to my children without him and I’m just so scared of dealing with all these feelings so I just keep quiet. I wish I felt anger towards him but I don’t. I feel anger towards myself for not having enough self respect and letting this continue but no anger towards him only sadness. My heart physically hurts every day. I’m sure one day it will come to a head and will all come out . Kind comments and support on here are greatly appreciated thank you :) x

Hi @IamEnough sorry for a very late reply. I haven’t been on this forum for a while. I can report that I’m still here ( a year on good Friday later) still knowing all that he is and does and yet not speaking a word to him about what I know. I’ve discovered some shocking things he does over this year and every time I think surely that’s going to be enough to make me say something it never is. I have some ok days and some extremely low days and Infact those days have been a lot more recently. Can I ask what made u finally confront with what u know?? I wonder sometimes if I’m ever going to get that point, if I’m ever going to have the strength. You’re certainly right my mental and physical health is suffering. I recently bought an Apple Watch and have noticed how when I see him online on sites or on his WhatsApp on his secret phone etc my heart rate goes from a normal 69 bpm to between 130/140 so I definitely know it’s doing something to me inside, that coupled with the constant churning tummy it’s quite literally soul destroying. I hope one day I find the strength to do something I don’t know what exactly but something other than stay quiet, because right now I long to just feel ‘ normal’. Anyway I so appreciate u taking the time to reply to me thank you

Ann thank you for your reply. Nice to know that it can be understood from others why I’m here feeling stuck and unable to get out. I certainly agree counselling is the way forward here. I need it to find the strength to help me in confronting him with what I know and seeing where we go from there. sending best wishes to you and yours x Ginny that’s a great help to know there is a cheaper alternative. Is there an email address please for me to enquire? Thank you

Hi Tabs, thanks for taking the tine to read through what felt like a bit of a rant this morning. Today is a bad day for me I tend to go like that some days I can cope and others not so much. I think like u said in your reply it’s struggling alone because I can’t speak to friends about it. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone through what must’ve been a shocking and devastating experience for u and your family. I shall take the time to read your post, because as awful as it sounds there’s some comfort in knowing you’re not the only one going through something that feels so shameful. You’re very right with what you say, I do need to put myself and the children first. The children are of course my world which is why it amazes me I’m too afraid to face up to him and tell him I know. You’re right I’ve often thought about possible Sti’s he may be bringing home not to mention any trouble with the sort of people he is meeting with. I honestly believe counselling will be the way forward for me, hopefully in the next month once all my children’s bdays etc are out the way this will be an option for me. until then I so appreciate your reply. take care of yourself and yours too x

Thanks for replying Ginny. Yes maybe you’re right. My dad left when I was a baby although I’ve never felt that it’s bothered me but perhaps I’m wrong. I have emailed for info for counselling at The laurel Centre a couple of months ago but at the moment sadly can’t afford it. It’s certainly something I intend to do when I am able. many thanks

Good morning, so I posted on here quite a few months back now about how My partner whom I knew was a sex addict was supposedly ‘going cold turkey’ on his own and how I naively believed this was possible. Until back in April I found a second phone hidden in his car. I never confronted him then and still haven’t now too afraid of the pain and upset it’s going to cause everyone. Instead I’m now 6 months in knowing every day what he does but pretending to him I know nothing. Over the months I’ve found his profile on the sex site he uses and managed to log into it and from there got the phone number he is using too. I am now able to watch him all day every day online msging literally 100’s of men and women. He spends all day doing this along with meeting up with them too. I think there is at least 3/4 meets a week with various men or women. This is obviously not only an unhealthy habit for him but now for me also, as no matter how much a little bit more of me dies each day I continue to be obsessed with watching what he’s doing but yet I say NOTHING!!!! Why? What is wrong with me that I’m just too scared to rock the boat? Too scared of him going? I don’t know why I’m so scared of loosing someone who finds it so east to live such a double life and lie to me and the children day after day. Some days I scream at myself to do something, to stop this because it’s killing me! But I don’t again I say nothing I carry on. It’s effecting my whole life, I don’t want to see friends because it makes it difficult for me to keep watching what he’s doing, I can’t face work as I work some weekends so it gives him the perfect opportunity for an extra day to lie and cheat, I am now signed off for 2 weeks with stress but I’ve told him I’m taking holiday and my hair is falling out. All of this though is kept inside because to the outside world everyone thinks I’m my happy normal self, it’s exhausting. I just want to know why am I like this? Why can I not think enough of myself that I may be worth more than this? Also if anyone on here has actually managed to read to the end cause I have rather gone on haha good perhaps give me an understanding of how it’s so easy to step out of the door and straight away flip personalities cheat and lie 5 days a week but walk through the door at night and during the weekend and kiss and love us like nothing has happened? It’s like he doesn’t even remember what he’s done. He also messages some of the most unattractive women, but has zero interest in me. If he was to see me naked or in underwear he wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. As if my confidence isn’t low enough already it makes it worse that I must really be that bad ok right sorry venting over for now lol. for anyone who has taken the time to read this thank you x

Thank you for taking the time to reply. At this time especially I think I feel totally alone. At home all day with the kids whilst he’s still goes to work and carrying on his ‘meets’ is feeling like being trapped in a prison with nowhere to run too just for a few hours to keep me from thinking about it. I suppose that’s why I’ve come looking for a forum just to find someone to talk too. I think I certainly need some help to give me some strength to face this whatever the outcome might be. Thank you again ☺️

Hey all, I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. The first 2 Of those I suspected he was cheating many times and found numerous messages on his phone confirming this but I never had the guts to confront him, instead choosing to keep quiet and block it out from my mind. Eventually he caught me checking his phone and it all came out that he was a sex addict. He’d tried before to go along the counselling and rehab route but lost his former partner along the way as she couldn’t deal with it So he decided he would just stay single and live with addiction as it wasn’t hurting anyone that way, but then I came along and things changed. At first after I found out he went to a couple of counselling sessions but said he found them too hard to deal with and he’d rather go cold turkey and with help and support of me and his family would try to overcome it. Things seemed to be going great and he became this wonderful selfless person, moved in with me and my boys and made our home such a loving happy one. He said he believed a family and routine was all he had ever wanted and it was helping him not to keep thinking about sex. I was clearly very naive that sex addiction was as simple to cure as that because I’ve now found a second phone hidden in his car with msgs to lots of women some he tells he loves others it’s just sex talk but there’s certainly been plenty of meetings. The devastation of finding that was worse than anything before. It’s now going to effect my kids both our families not to mention my mental health again. This was 3 weeks ago and as of yet I’ve not told him I’ve found it. Instead living each day in turmoil over what he’s doing. I think partly the lockdown is making it worse because I don’t know how I could deal with it In isolation on my own with the boys. Is it normal for me to just keep quiet?? I keep wondering what’s wrong with me why can’t I confront him about it??does anyone else feel they want to shut themselves away like it’s not happening? They say ignorance is bliss and I for one wish I hadn’t gone looking to find something I’d have rather not known and carried on being happy and enjoying our life because I’m now left feeling a fool and completely heartbroken. If anyone is there who wants to reply that would be great because being the partner of a sex addict is a very lonely place as you can’t speak about it for fear of judgement. Thanks in advance.