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Firefly

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  1. Firefly

    Newbie

    Dear Fairy85, Welcome to the Forum and very sorry to hear your story. As you will see from other posts your experience is very similar but of course that does not take away your experiences and the associated feelings. If you have not already seen the blogs have a look at this one. The partner’s journey through sex addiction (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I hope others might be able to share their own experiences, but firstly look after yourself and don't make any quick decisions. I am glad that your husband has come to realise he needs help! As you say he has to OWN this himself, however I point to the following blog which may be of help. Want to beat your sex addiction? Don’t walk alone (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)
  2. I am so glad to see that you have a good sponsor and you are getting the help you need. You are so right when you say that it is "one day at a time" I wish you well in your continued recovery.
  3. If you have been browsing the Forum posts you will occasionally find links to articles that have been written by the Laurel Centre to help both Addicts and Partners alike. Here is the home page:- Sex & Porn Addiction Blog | The Laurel Centre The articles talk about sex and pornography addiction; its impact on partners and also on society.
  4. Reading the above treads I wanted to say again that it's definitely OK whatever you decide to do. There is no right or wrong answers in respect to "Should I stay or should I go" The following blog gives some very good points to consider as its not always black and white. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Do I stay, or do I go? (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I unfortunately I was one of the 850,000 plus men in the UK who made use of prostitutes! The journey to recovery has not been easy but my partner decided that there are far more positives in our relationship which she did not want to lose. There are other success stories. Partner Testimony : part 1 (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) Wishing everyone well at this time. Keep safe.
  5. Hi Jo Jo. Welcome to the Forum and very sorry to hear your story. As you will see from other posts your experience is very similar but of course that does not take away your hideous experience and associated feelings. If you have not already seen the blogs have a look at this one. The partner’s journey through sex addiction (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I hope others might be able to share their own experiences, but firstly look after yourself and don't make any quick decisions. So sorry to hear that your husband is struggling with HIS addiction. He has to OWN this himself and you cannot fix it for him, however I point to the following blog which may be of help. Want to beat your sex addiction? Don’t walk alone (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)
  6. Hi Fool me once. Welcome to the Forum and very sorry to hear your story. As you will see from other posts your experience is very similar but of course that does not take away any of the anger, being distraught and being physically ill. If you have not already seen the blogs have a look at this one. The partner’s journey through sex addiction (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I don't have any experience of telling children but from my own experience as a child I would have preferred that my parents problems had been shared with me, not sugar coated and with honesty. I unfortunately was left feeling that my parents problems had something to do with me!! I hope others might be able to share their own experiences, but firstly look after yourself and don't make any quick decisions. Take care.
  7. Dear Potter, Thank you for your post and I am so pleased that your daughter was able to get the rehab / therapy and now has strategies in place to keep herself clean. A worrying time for you. You don't say if your husband has had therapy for his sex addiction and I guess not! It is not a surprise then that you are feeling hurt, alone and totally lost. Although you may have read Paula's book and discussed the cycles of addiction, etc. I draw your attention to the Blog for Partners which if you have not seen you may find helpful at this time. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Self-care (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I draw you attention to an extract "..... you didn’t cause the sex addiction, you can’t control the sex addiction and you can’t cure the sex addiction. Only your addicted partner can stop their sex addiction or porn addiction. This is not your fault" I hope you will find support here for you and encouragement from others who have been through similar experiences. Take care of yourself. Firefly
  8. Hi Worry Wort and welcome to the Forum. Thank you so much for sharing your story and so very sorry to hear your pain. Yes it would have been very traumatic. Your reactions are all normal and even continue to love the part of the partner you know. It is also normal to feel totally lost. I understand that you are reading or have read Paula's book; and in case you have not seen it I draw your attention to the Blog for Partners which you may also find helpful. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Self-care (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) It is very early days but its important to look after yourself. In relation to the criminal elements I am not sure if the images posted are over 18 or not. I am sure you will find support here for you and encouragement from others who have been through similar experiences. Firefly
  9. Dear LostAtSea, The impact of a partners addiction (whether it is Sex addiction or Coke) is a rollercoaster ride of emotions and its important that you continue to keep yourself safe. His addiction is not something that you can control and often partners will be blamed as a way for the addict to justify their actions. I feel your emotions in what you have written but I can't see what you have done to enable his continued addiction and certainly you should not feel guilty. The hospital should have his relatives next of kin details and it's not your responsibility to tell anyone. The only thing I might consider doing if you are in contact with his family / mum is check if they know your ex partner is in hospital and pass on the hospital contact details. Certainly I would not pass on any information regarding his addiction, illness, etc. as the hospital will do all that. I do hope that is of help. Continue to look after yourself.
  10. Reading the above treads I wanted to say that it's OK whatever you decide to do. There is no right or wrong answers in respect to "Should I stay or should I go" The following blog gives some very good points to consider. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Do I stay, or do I go? (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I unfortunately I was one of the 3% mentioned in the last post above; which translates into over 850,000 plus men who make use of prostitutes. The journey to recovery has not been easy but my partner has decided that there are far more positives in the relationship which she did not want to lose. There are success stories. Partner Testimony : part 1 (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) Wishing everyone well at this time. Keep safe.
  11. Hi Tired. Thank you for your post and so very sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I am glad that there have been some good times to hold onto but it does not take away the pain of the rollercoaster 🎢 journey you are on. Take good care. Firefly
  12. Hi Tabs. Thanks for your kind words. At this moment, although it has been 15 months, I think your husband may still be in shock, so I can believe that he has focused all his attention on work. I am glad he is getting therapy and hope that will address the painful memories, cognitive distortions that led to his self soothing acting out. I hope you are still getting some comfort from this Forum at this very difficult time for you. Best wishes, Graham
  13. Meeting up. Clearly as a Forum member you can use the private mail function within the Forum, but this is not recommended by the Laurel Centre. i.e. Do NOT give out personal details. If you do decide to meet self-care is especially important. Set up the first meeting in a public place (which will of course be after Covid Lockdowns) and then decide what information you wish to share. Administration would however suggest you do a Partner Workshop (or equivalent) together, and that will help with managing contacts, give additional support and allow you to keep in touch afterwards. The Laurel Centre offers the following workshop. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/courses/online-partner-workshop We hope this information helps you.
  14. I was more prepared for the first lockdown, but this time it’s hit me like a train. It is all so depressing not helped with the US elections! Speaking to others I have found they are feeling depressed too and as we know as PA and SA we are more easily triggered at this time. I felt no one cares about me! I’m a Sex Addict! So for over a year since a slip and many years since relapse I was starting to think about it!!! Luckily I remembered that I am loved by my partner, friends, people on this forum who would be very sad if had slipped. So I read again “Trick or Treat” https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/is-your-brain-tricking-you-into-having-a-treat The reason for writing is to flag up what Covid is doing in our lives at this time, watch out and stay safe. Firefly
  15. If you wish to contact the Laurel Centre please see the following link. The email address is info@thelaurelcentre.co.uk and please include in your enquiry "low cost counselling" https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/contact-us Best wishes, Firefly
  16. Dear Freddiebear, I am so very sorry that you have had a tough weekend again. I re-read your other posts this morning and realise that you and your husband did take the online test, so I am very sorry to have asked you that question again. In my experience looking at images can be the same as looking at pictures in an art gallery. Looking at a bit of porn does not mean you are a SA and with a score of 16 this does appear to be the case. However spending lots of time, at the expense of other activities and keeping it secret is very unhelpful and now that it has been discovered will mean that your husband has to rebuild trust with you. I am sad that he does not appear to understand the pain he has caused. It seems from the threads as if things improved but then this last weekend came to a head again. It is possible that him smashing the iPad was to demonstrate he would not surf again, rather than hide his past. I have been known to get rid of equipment in an attempt to stop my habit. Not sure I can be of much help.
  17. Hi Domino69, I feel the continued pain, despair and wanting it all to stop. The decision to leave is always very difficult. I am sure you have already seen and read the following but it may help others who find themselves at this turning point in there journey. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--do-i-stay-or-do-i-go I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. Take care.
  18. Welcome to the Forum. I am sorry to hear your pain and the disclosure will have as you say ripped your heart out. If you have not already read it this blog is very helpful:- https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction Your husband may well be in denial and deflection. A Porn Addict is very good at cognitive distortion and minimising things. A good online test to determine PA is here:- https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict I hope that helps and I am sure that there are many others with similar experiences. Take care.
  19. I totally agree with what you are saying and what is worse is the innocent partners (and victims) are often tarred with the same brush; as if they must have known; or because they are still in contact with their partner must support what they have done!! Clearly this is not the case, otherwise the Police would be investigating them as well! As you say you are now "both outcasts" and no one is interested. Very sorry to hear that. As this is issue only discussed negatively (similar to Aids a few decades ago) people are unable to get the help at an early stage. Take care. Firefly
  20. Welcome back to the Forum. I was very saddened to read your update and your continued pain. There are many more people reading the forum than posting and your post is really helpful. I certainly agree with you that the internet is a very dangerous place for porn addicts (PA) and as you say " The nature of Online Images on PAs is outlined in my post in an attempt to get PAs reading it to get the help early before their behaviour escalates into offending. I hope that other partner posts may help you as well. You are not alone. Take care. Firefly
  21. Firefly

    Mrs

    Hi Lorna, Welcome to the Forum and I was very sorry to hear your pain, but so glad you are able to share. There are many other’s at different stages of their journey who I am sure can offer you support. Can I point you towards the main Laurel Centre site for partners at https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/support-for-partners If you have not already seen this the blog series below is very useful, although you are probably already aware of the stages - addiction is addiction whatever the substance. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction Take care. Firefly
  22. Disclaimer - I want to state that these are my own views from my own experience. I am a recovering SA & PA but I am not a counsellor. I am a volunteer moderator on this forum by invitation, but do not work for the Laurel Centre. Any products discussed below are only ones I have experienced and it is by no means a definitive list. I assume that your question is on behalf of a PA. You only have to Google how to get round software controls to find out that there are many ways to get around protection devices and I have tried many over the years! This may seem flippant but the best control is to switch off the router (or certainly the WiFi) or remove the direct LAN cable to the laptop; but this is not always practical! I also feel that the addict needs to take responsibility, otherwise the partner ends up becoming a gatekeeper. However I did find ColdTurkey worked well for me, as once installed I had to go through a long process to override it, allowing me time to reflect!! Another product on Amazon is Kitchen Safe. You put your iPhone, Android or a key to laptop draw/box/room; turn dial to set number of minutes or hours or even days. The only way to get into it once set is to smash it open with a hammer (something an addict trying to hide behaviour is unlikely to do when the family is asleep and then have to explain why it is now broken 😂) I still lock my phone away at night for 8hrs as an extra support and reminder for me. I hope this has been useful. Firefly
  23. Prior to trying to answer your questions I want to state that these are my own views from my own experience. I am a recovering SA & PA but I am not a counsellor. I am a volunteer moderator on this forum by invitation, but do not work for the Laurel Centre. My response to the question in paragraph A) also partly supports your statement in paragraph B) although in my case I became more and more distant from my partner, which is opposite behaviour, but equally has the same devastating effects within a relationship. The overwhelming urge to act out and get my FIX overruled any impact my actions would have on my relationship? I did not even grasp or remember the incidents and in my mind, it was just a FIX. Even when part of my behaviour was discovered I minimised the impact and convinced myself that I could sort out my life without any help. Effectively I had pandered to the little beasts inside my head craving for a fix to numb the pain of past shame and now the additional shame of this latest disclosure. To admit I had a problem in my mind, at that time, felt like it would STOP my soothing mechanism and so it felt better (wrongly) to deny, minimise, deflect blame, etc. than admit I had a problem. In the cold light of the day I felt even more shame, remorse, self-loathing and the feeling that everyone would be better off without me around; but this only fed the need for more soothing, acting out and so the disastrous cycle continued. One thing is clear the addict must be the one asking for help to truly get the help they need. One of the issues with SA & PA over other forms of addiction is there is often little evidence of “material” impact, but the mental impact is enormous. E.g. the case of a Grandson, who loved his Grandma for years, but still broke in and stole the £20 to get a quick Cocaine Fix. Here there is a lot more evidence to hold onto, with the same cognitive distortions in play by the addict. So, this leads onto trying to answer your question in paragraph C)!! The root causes of my addiction (to which I am still discovering more) stem from childhood and teenage years. There were a number of traumas, which were not resolved at the time. Whenever I was feeling low or depressed, under attack, bullied, feeling worthless I would bottle everything up and keep my feelings hidden. I found in my teenage years that self-soothing helped to eliminate the pain for a short time and it became a habit. In addition, I discovered other acting out behaviours as I went into my early twenties! The problem was I did not resolve any of this, was unable to speak about it to anyone and was thus very unprepared when it came to a 1:1 relationships. It was easier to hide the truth, as I did with my bed wetting at boarding school! I thought it would all sort itself out and was so happy to find a partner, which initially reduced the stresses in my life and thus the need for acting out. However when we got married I was suddenly out of my depth and everything compounded, and I was back to acting out and trying to keep everything hidden. My partner knew there was an issue and we had counselling but I hid my past, because I was afraid and very ashamed (I was raped at school and never told anyone until recently) and the first counsellor 30 years ago raised the idea I was Gay and I just went along with that idea to keep everyone happy… and hide my true thoughts and feelings. I have had much better help recently and mapped out my highs and lows to my acting out peaks and how they coincided with depression, low times at work, etc. etc. I had over years built a very robust second life to which I became addicted, to smooth the pain of these painful events and I spent vast amounts of energy and resources keeping it hidden. Finally everything unraveled (after too many years) and it was all out in the open for everyone (including me) to see, and I could finally feel able to ask for and get the help I have always needed. I don’t spend too much time looking back at what could have been.. I can only look forward. One thing is that everyone has a different journey, different issues, and certainly there is not one size fits all. Thankfully there is now more knowledge and help available for sex and porn addiction than even 10 years ago. Thankfully support for partners, who are not to blame or the reason and get caught in the crossfire, is improving. I highlight this blog which is also good for addicts to read as it highlights the pain their past and present actions cause. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction If I can help just one person to reach out, get help and gain a better life then it is worth me sharing a small part of my struggle. Firefly
  24. Hi Snowflake, Welcome to the Forum and sorry to read your pain. Everyone is at different stages of their journeys and also many people who read the forum are at exactly the same stage as you. I am however so glad that you have been able to share your feelings here. I think that normal family life is a bit like Covid 19 and our new normal for today. What is important is you. Take Care Firefly
  25. Hi Sunflower365, Welcome to the Forum. There’s a lot of support on here and as you have found other’s at different stages of their journey. If you have not already seen this the blog series below is very useful. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction I was very sorry to hear your pain, but so glad you are able to share. Certainly you are not rambling! Take care. Firefly
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