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Firefly

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  1. Hi Lilo, Thank you for sharing your pain on the forum. You may have already found the blog pages but I highlight the following which complements all that Ann has said above. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Self-care (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) In respect to your final paragraphs "I spoke to a sex addiction therapist and he says well if he’s really committed to recovering it may make sense, as you won’t ask an alcoholic to keep hanging around a bar whilst he’s trying to stay sober would we? (The bar here being ME). What do I do? How do I react to this? Is it fair? Should I just give him the benefit of the doubt and calm the fuck down? " I want to echo that you didn’t cause the sex addiction (You are not the BAR!), you can’t control the sex addiction and you can’t cure the sex addiction. Only your addicted partner can stop their sex addiction or porn addiction. This is not your fault. It certainly is not fair! But the important message is as Ann say's "Be Kind To Yourself" I hope the blog helps and you will be in my prayers.
  2. Oh Kay... A virtual hug from us. You are doing all the right things but it does not take away any of the pain of this roller-coaster ride. I have heard it said that this experience is like a bereavement; except the other person has not died, so it keeps repeating the bereavement journey. The above might help a little bit and explain why each moment will trigger different emotions. Take care and I hope the counselling sessions become available soon.
  3. Hi Kaykay. I wish I could give you a definitive yes and no to answer your questions. The truth is and born out by other partners that we addicts are very good at minimisation to ourselves and loved ones. As such we will actually believe that communication on chat / escort lines and masturbation to porn is not physically cheating! But as we all know (now) that’s a cognitive distortion. I am so glad you have been able to tell your sister and start to build your support network. Take care.
  4. Hi KayKay, I feel the desperation and despair in your post. You do need to weigh up the options and although I know you will have seen this blog, I post for others reading this Forum. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Do I stay, or do I go? (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I would like to echo your words "Look after you. You are most important. Please don't forget that!" My wife has been on a roller-coaster with me and in the end I did get the help. There have been times however when there have been hints for me to consider, like property listings left around that were at 1/2 the value of our current property.... not that I think that this is a good way to communicate but it did bring me to my senses! In respect of the cycle of addiction it may be that there was a gap which might account for the jump to 2018. Take care and I hope my ramblings have been helpful.
  5. Let us know if you have any experiences of using Laurel Centre, S-anon, others, etc. I will then compile a list sorted for Partners and Addicts.
  6. Hi, I am not a qualified therapist but from my own experience and what I have read there does appear to be a link between childhood trauma (including sexual abuse), contributing to a reliance to self soothe with porn, and this becoming an addiction in a lot of cases, to a lesser or greater degree. Sometimes it takes a specialist therapist to get to the root cause of an individuals triggers. Hope that helps.
  7. Dear HeartorHead, Welcome to the Forum. So very sorry to hear your story. From what you indicate and from my own experience it would indicate that your boyfriend may have a porn addiction. Following on from what Christine has suggested he might also be interested in this online test as it will help determine the level of addiction. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict You may find the following blog useful to get your head around what is happening and give you some helpful points to consider. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Self-care (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) You need to look after yourself as a priority. I hope this helps a little and I am sure that others may share their experience with you. You are not alone. Take care.
  8. I am so sorry that you are being punished for something which was / is outside of your control. Unfortunately Porn & Sex addiction never confines itself to the addict but impacts everyone around them! I would like to point you back to the blog, now that there is a forced separation you have more time to focus on your needs. You will need to decide if you receive calls, write, visit, etc. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Rebuilding your life (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) Take care. Firefly
  9. Hi Kaykay, I am very sorry to hear that your partner has relapsed! I can understand why you are tired after so many years of trying to help him! I would look at the blog and Paula's book again as this latest disclosure / discovery will have brought back Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the first painful discovery of your partners addiction. It's an awful roller-coaster for you and it's sad that he does not see the effects of his relapse on you. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Rebuilding your life (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) You have been so helpful for other partners on here and hope we can be of some comfort for you today. Look after yourself.
  10. Welcome to the Forum. I have finally read the whole of your story and so sorry to hear your pain. I am glad you are getting help and your BF is looking at getting professional help. It does sound as if he is showing the signs of sex addiction, which might be due to childhood trauma, so he needs to look at finding help from a person or organisation that specialises in Sex addiction. You need to look at help for yourself and if you have not seen the blog then this one might be a good start. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--selfcare You are not alone and there are many other on this Forum who understand the rollercoaster 🎢 you are on. Take good care.
  11. Welcome to the Forum. Your boyfriend is displaying all the signs of an addict and it is encouraging that he is starting to talk; but saddening that he is not able to open up to a therapist who will be able to help him. He needs to understand that he is not alone and his therapist will have heard it all before. However it should not be up to you to have to control or put in place restrictions, especially as you say in your last paragraph how this makes you feel. If you have not seen the blog I would point you to this particular one that talks about your role and setting boundaries which might be of help at this time. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Rebuilding your life (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) Take care.
  12. I have read a lot of partner posts on the forum and thought it might be helpful to chat about my experience as the addicted partner. I have been an addict for all of my life, but my partner only became aware later on in our marriage and she has been very supportive since. In the same way as I will have to take blood pressure tablets for the rest of my life I have to wake up each day and recognise I am an addict, and like taking my tablets have a routine to ensure that I am not triggered and so far it’s working.. My partner has however suffered much in the same way as many of the stories in the partner posts. If I am feeling low then my partner recognises this, however this is where I see a similar thread running through other posts. The partner when asked if all is OK often gets “I’m fine..” and I am guilty as charged! Why do I respond like this? Often, I feel it is routed in childhood where I was not allowed to show my feelings. “Boy’s don’t cry!”, “Don’t be such a baby”; so the initial reaction is a reaction to that, BUT it really is not helpful as the following example will indicate. The other day I was worrying about my elderly parents and had bottled up feelings of helplessness for a particular situation. My partner asked me if I was OK and yes I responded with “I’m fine!” Clearly I was NOT, so my partner with nothing to go on thought I might have relapsed! Luckily I was able to share later that day. But the damage had been done as it clearly worried my partner and brought back times when I had relapsed. But equally it brought up issues around being secretive and yes dishonesty, as I had lied about being OK! Take note that our actions / statements have reactions which may not be as we intended. Firefly
  13. Hi Newbie 21, Welcome to the forum. Very sorry to hear that you are struggling and finding yourself constantly relapsing. Certainly you are not alone and everyone will have times when they think about relapse or actually go as far as relapsing. For me I work on my mood and feelings everyday in an attempt to fend off the triggers that take me back to that dark place. I am not sure if you have seen the blog pages but there is some useful stuff and draw your attention to the following:- Relapse prevention for sex addiction and porn addiction (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) I would also be very honest with your therapist and don't try to minimise the relapses. He will have heard it all before, especially if he is trained in Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder (CSBD), also known as sexual addiction. Take care. Firefly
  14. Meeting up. Clearly as a Forum member you can use the private mail function within the Forum, but meeting up is NOT recommended by the Laurel Centre. DO NOT give out personal details. If you do decide to make contact self-care is especially important. Set up the first meeting in a public place (which will of course be after Covid Lockdowns) and then decide what information you wish to share. Administration would however suggest you do a Partner Workshop (or equivalent) together, and that will help with managing contacts, give additional support and allow you to keep in touch afterwards. The Laurel Centre offers the following workshop. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/courses/online-partner-workshop We do hope this information helps you stay safe.
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