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About Firefly

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  1. Hi Irene, You are certainly in the right place. I am sorry to hear your pain. I certainly don’t see you as “bad Irene”!! Reading your story is heartbreaking and your emotions are typical. If you have not already read them, these blogs may be helpful: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--selfcare https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/mind-body-and-soul-betrayal--part-3 I hope that other partner posts may help you as well. You are not alone. Take care. Firefly
  2. Online images run into billions and you may be someone that is using them to self soothe. Afterwards you might feel ashamed, maybe even deleting image files, web history and the like. Then you promise yourself not to use images again. The next time the images you do find just don’t have the same effect. You start searching for the perfect image. The websites tempt you with thumbnails. History repeats itself 😐 If it does you may find it is impacting on other areas of your life and you are becoming addicted to online pornography. This online test will help you identify the impact:- https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict Our brains have a great capacity to minimise events. We can convince ourselves that the acting out behaviour is not that bad! The images are ok. It’s an agency for over 18’s, but are the models? Sexting is prevalent with an estimated 15% of teenagers doing it. Yet an estimated 60% of teens don't realize that sexting is a criminal offence, and the images are considered indecent. Unfortunately many of these images get into general circulation and are freely available. The Police estimates there are 150k + people in the UK viewing illegal images online on a regular basis. Some people (and that may or may not be you) slip into offending behaviour gradually over a period of time, and what starts as over 18 models, drops in age over time. You end up justifying it; “it must be ok otherwise the image would not be there!” If you have slipped or maybe think you have slipped into offending, there is anonymous help available at:- https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/concerned-about-use-of-the-internet/
  3. Thank you IamEnough, Sunflower and Mae for all your support and questions. Very pleased that it has generated discussion. I feel much happier in myself that everything has now been disclosed. It has certainly helped me to not have any secrets left and I can focus my energies on (as Sunflower has put it) dealing with the issues that caused my addiction in the first place. 😀
  4. I have been waiting for a response on this thread as well, ever hopeful that someone else would answer this difficult question. I also relate to everyone’s thoughts. “How could I have kept risking my relationship, losing friends and family, impacting my health, JUST FOR A FIX? Surely, I knew what impact it would have? SURELY knowing the hurt it causes, I would NOT have done it. EASY Easy to realise in the cold light of day maybe. Why did I still do it? Well each fix led me to more shame, remorse, self-loathing and feeling that everyone would be better off without me around. I saw an advert in 2006 about the beasts craving for nicotine and the pictorial resonated with my dopamine craving. If you search for “Nicorette commercial by Genndy Tartakovsky YouTube” you can see it. At the time I wished for a Nicorette substance or patch for sex and pornography addiction, to suppress the cravings going on inside my head. Even though I had promised myself after the last relapse not to repeat the acting out behaviour…. Unfortunately, the cravings continued! The cycle continued. Worse the cravings required more and more risky behaviour, to gain the same fix. Often, I did not even grasp or remember the incident. I did not know any way to get off the acting out cycle. I ended up living a second life and compartmentalised the pain and shame. I did everything wrong in term of disclosure and getting help once my second life was discovered! I have a first edition of Paula’s book (Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction); which was invaluable in my road to recovery. I have been lucky that my partner found the good times outweighed the bad and we are still together. I still have a Laurel Centre counsellor and carry out a mix of one to one and partner sessions. The reason for being on the Forum is to try and support others, and hope that I can help others to not make the same mistakes in their recovery journey. I am happy to answer questions if I can. Firefly
  5. Hi Roy, Welcome to the Forum. I am not aware of any software to share activity, that can’t be bypassed. However you can agree to hand over your phone and show ALL your browsing history. To do this you will need to permanently turn of private browsing. Search for “How to Disable Private Browsing Mode Completely on iPhone” and there are a number of articles available. This also stops you deleting all browsing history as well 😀 I hope this helps. Good luck on your recovery journey. Firefly
  6. Hi Deldan, Welcome to the Forum. Your post did not appear in time for last Friday, so I hope you managed to have a great night out! I am sure you would have concerns whatever assurance you received.. Maybe you can update us on what happened. I would however point out that it’s your partners responsibility for his recovery. Not sure that substituting another substance is helpful 😐 You need to look after yourself as a priority. This blog may be helpful: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/mind-body-and-soul-betrayal-part-1 You are not alone. Take good care. Firefly
  7. Hi Boggy, Welcome to the Forum. Thank you for sharing your journey so far and so sorry to hear your pain. You have made good steps by acknowledging your thoughts and talking / sharing. I am glad you are wanting to get help. You might find the following test will help you get some perspective and quantify the impact. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict The Laurel Centre have some useful courses and professionals, and you might find this link helpful https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/resources Take good care of yourself and remember you are not alone.
  8. Firefly


    Hi, Welcome to the Forum. So very sorry to hear your story. I have included the following blog that you may find helpful. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction You need to look after yourself as a priority and it is not up to you to push. I spent 25 years not addressing my addition and sweeping issues under the carpet! My relationship with my partner is so so much better having gained help. I so wish I had gained help earlier. You are not alone. Take care.
  9. Welcome to the Forum. I am sorry to hear that you are overwhelmed with fear and totally lost. Very normal reactions but that does not take away the emotional roller coaster 🎢 you are on. The follow blog may be helpful for you and I hope you are able to make contact with your therapist. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction I hope your husband is also able to get the support he needs. Take good care of yourself. Firefly
  10. Hi. I am sorry to hear your journey so far and how you are wrestling with yourself over what to do next. Unfortunately as you have discovered there is no simple plan and answer. However what is most important is to focus on your needs and the needs of your children. You say you are in a better head space and maybe the first stage is to open up a dialogue, without it being about staying apart or moving back in. I keep coming back to the blog that sets out the various steps in the partners journey, and also maybe look at a partner support event. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/starting-soon I hope this helps a little and I am sure that many others will / have shared their experience. You are not alone. Take care.
  11. Hi Australian Fly. Welcome to the Forum. I am so very sorry to hear that you are broken. You ask if there are some success stories and I highlight one below for you. You certainly need to look after yourself and pleased to hear you are getting some support. Take good care.
  12. Hi . Welcome to the Forum and sorry to hear that this is affecting your confidence. I do know that there are many reasons why men don’t want sex, and the cultural myth that a man doesn't want sex because his partner is unattractive is certainly not true. I would try not to jump to any conclusions or think the worst, although I do understand that is easier to say than do! The lockdown has produced a lot of stress for everyone and he might have worries about supporting his existing family and you, or work issues, or anything else that he might not feel comfortable to share as a “breadwinner”. You may have to be patient and just be happy he is there; and see what happens when he has had a good nights sleep. I may be off the mark so happy for others to chip in. Take good care.
  13. Hi Kittywood, Welcome to the Forum. I am so very sorry to hear your story. You will have seen Ginny’s reply to NJJ and Sunflower that I hope will bring some support at this very emotional time for you. Take care of yourself Firefly
  14. Dear Freddiebear, Welcome to the Forum. So very sorry to hear you are drowning and struggling to understand what is happening around you. You say you have read Paula’s partner book and it might have given you more questions than answers at this time. Another approach maybe to read the following blog that breaks down the partners book into manageable chunks. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction You say your husband has a porn habit but you don’t say if this has been assessed or if he has explored getting help. He might be interested in this online test. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict You need to look after yourself as a priority. I hope this helps a little and I am sure that others may share their experience with you. You are not alone. Take care.
  15. Hi TiLin, Welcome to the Forum. So sorry to hear your pain. If you have not already read it, this blog is very helpful as a start. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction You need to look after yourself as a priority. I hope this helps a little and I am sure that many others will / have shared their experience. You are not alone. Take care.
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