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Everything posted by Kaykay

  1. We're 7 months into recovery. There has been historical physical cheating that came out in April. And online cheating plus porn etc over the whole relationship. He's been in therapy almost 2 months. He's doing 12 steps. He's definitely learning and growing. I'm trying to learn who he is. So many lies mean I need clarity. He said he likes women size 12 and upwards to size 22/24. It's more about their shape. That his preference is bigger women like myself, that are really Curvy. Just as long as they arent shapeless. He has a long history of telling me what I want to hear so I don't know if this is true. It does FEEL like he's massively attracted to me. He's very tactile, loving etc. But basically anyone is potentially attractive . Anyone will do for my husband. Any size, race, height etc no type, really. This makes me desperately insecure. I have to be on alert for all women. I think even if I hadn't felt insecure our entire relationship due to the addiction (we didn't know it was addiction until last year) I'd still feel a bit strange about it. Anyone have any experience of this or similar.
  2. Honestly, I'd cut ties immediately. But I know it's not that easy. I'm with someone who is finally doing the work and after 4 years of being together the truth is out and he's definitely in recovery. We married 6 months before the biggest disclosure, had a 4 month old baby and he's step dad to my other 2. If he wasn't, I'd have been gone. Noone is worth this pain. Do some work and figure out what is best for YOU. Sending hugs xx
  3. Look after you. Your husband will have work to do before he can work on the relationship. Please think of yourself and your daughter xx
  4. Hi. Lots of us have been in the headspace you're in right now. Most important is to take care of yourself. The trauma you're currently going through is immense and you need to take time, be kind to yourself and get support where you can. Xxxx
  5. Thank you @Tabs it's nice, but horrible to have people that understand. This addiction permeates every part of our lives. Sending love x
  6. @Ann Hedoniathanks for your response. I'm still trying to rationalise that it isn't about me. But as far as I can get is that I know I'm enough, but he didn't see me as enough. I'm the love of his life. Even though this preceeded me, why didn't he get those feelings of being wanted, needed, desired and powerful from me? Since disclosure our sex life has better in some ways, worse in others. But now, I dont want to have sex with him at all. I checked online and some of what he was doing could be considered illegal. But there are grey areas around it. I once again, feel like I don't know this man. Last week he disclosed how he used to view and look at women in the street. He's just so pathetic.
  7. My husband just disclosed the type of porn he was watching. Its extreme and I'm absolutely disgusted. I didn't ask for it, I asked him if he wanted to take the stuff he watched into real life with me and he told me he would not want to do x, y or z with me I'm absolutely mortified. It's not normal, it's extreme and I feel sick. I'm almost 5 months from the latest and biggest exposure. When does it end? How can I get past this. He chose to go and watch that rather than have sex with his wife. Its another blow to my confidence.
  8. Hi hec I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to work on the relationship. But it seems like he needs to still work on himself too. Has he said why he won't do the work? I know my partner finds facing what he's done incredibly difficult Kay
  9. Hi long suffering I'm not at this point yet and haven't dealt with this. It sounds as though he has some work to do still? To learn that real life is better than that fantasy he is escaping to. Or maybe therapy for you together? Xx
  10. I'm 3 months post latest discovery. I believe there should be minimal privacy. That right was lost when he abused it. I need to know you're working on growing, changing, developing or I'm out. After all that's been done to me, I believe I fully deserve that. It takes time, but it's now a non negotiable. There are some things that are his, but most of his 'stuff' I expect to be shared. We are now doing a weekly catch up, I mostly share a d ask questions, he mostly listens because he is shit at communicating without my prompting. I don't think he fully understands himself or the addiction yet, but we still talk. You need something. It's not fair to be kept in the dark x
  11. @ChrissyI'm so glad you've been able to start rebuilding your life. That seems so far away from me. I feel like I'm stewing in his self loathing, insecurities, lack of self worth. Being collateral damage in someone's war with themselves is so devestating. I move forwards, backwards, left, right. But mostly in a big messy squiggle. Not really get anywhere. My life wasn't what I thought it was. And it may never be the same again. The loss is paralysing. It makes me not want to continue or even try and move past this. It makes me want to curl up and protect myself, for forever.
  12. Hi everyone. I had to stay off the forum for a while while I took in what was happening. So many similar experiences. It breaks my heart. We are now 3 months post discovery. I'm in a better place.. I think. Actually I still very much up and down. Im at the stage where I just can't be bothered. It seems like he's doing not much at all really. He was doing all the right things initially, but it's tailed off. I think either he's not coping or there's still more crap to come out. He did the partners course, made some attempts at 12 steps, but hasn't kept it up. I'm still none the wiser as to what is going on for him, how this addiction looks for him. What am I potentially signing up for. He finished the partners course 4 weeks ago. I asked him to do hypnotherapy so he can uncover some of what he forgot. Now I feel like telling him not to bother. I think I'm done waiting for answers and understanding and some kind of explanation. He's away 3 nights a week at his sisters. I don't think he's using that time effectively. Oh, we did get an accountability app about 2 weeks ago. Ive been doing this dance with him for four years. When do I stop? I feel like he's not communicating cos he's still hiding stuff. And I feel like I can't be bothered with it all. He refused to tell me how often porn is popping in his head. Just when he wants to act out. When do I say enough? X
  13. Thank you @Ann Hedonia Thank you @Chrissy That's the thing. He's doing absolutely everything he should be doing. We've not had one disagreement since the discovery where he's not said/done/responded 'correctly' I've been supporting him for 4 years and this is the first time I'm not. So why am I still struggling so much. He's doing everything. But part of me feels like it's too little too late. Im still in the whirlwind so I can't even think or behave properly yet. I can't make sense of anything to even begin to look after myself or know how I'm gonna do that or what it looks like. It's been nearly 8 weeks since this last discovery. I have the partner course coming up. I think I'll then do one to one sessions. Aside from that I don't know what to do. My gut churns and my heart aches
  14. I don't even know where to start. Please read over my other posts if you want to get the back story. How long will getting over this take. Will I ever get over it. Should I just separate from my husband. 6 months? A year? Will I ever be comfortable or settled? I don't see it. I don't think I will. Lies and lies and lies and lies. Cheating. I'm broken. I don't think I can get over it. The latest discovery was on 10th April. The worst yet. The one where I've hound he's cheated in the past. We had only been married 6 months and had a 4 month old baby. I hsve two other children, his step children. I initially made him leave, but made him come back as I wasn't coping. But I feel like I want to separate. How can I accept being treated so poorly. I don't think I can. I don't know if I want to separate for forever but I think I want to now. I can't even make sense of my feelings. I've been treated badly in my life but never as badly as this. And never been loved this much either. I don't think he deserves me. He's doing anything and everything to get better. Literally everything. But it took me finding this out for him to do so. It wasn't of his own accord. Or the years of my heartache. My pleading. My begging. My tears. That doesn't feel like love to me.
  15. Tabs, I feel similar to you in that I don't think I'll trust anyone again. He already made me question him but this is on another level. How long since your discovery / disclosure? Im really lucky that my family are open minded and I've told them all. But we're very much 'it's sad, but hold your head up and get on with it' His family are in shock. But I can't help but feel that they should have noticed his behaviour long before me. And called him out. They knew he slept with prostitutes, but noone obviously let him know just how bad it was. They did him a major disservice. It's good that you've got a good network around you. It's so important in times like this, as you're so right, we're victims. I'm not sure who else to look to in terms of a therapist, do you have anyone in mind. I need to be the selfish one now and think about me. I'm not carrying him anymore, forcing him to do shit that ultimately was a, waste of my time as the worst has happened. I feel sick with what's to come. He's telling me this evening, it's all written down. Need to put a plan in place so I don't plummet tomorrow. My life got put on hold as I was drained from helping him and it was all pointless. It is very grey, isn't it. There is no right or wrong. I'm not sure where I'm at but I definitely won't be in this position, ever again. Xx
  16. I find it so hard to believe. Why would he seek out one type of woman? I feel I'm not enough. My husband cheated with people he knew too. Texting, arranging meet ups. Slept over. This was before we lived together properly, or were married. He lived a lie so well. How did he cope with that? He's ruined something so special. I don't think I'll ever look at him the same or love him the same. I'm trying to rush feeling better. I don't know who I'm kidding. I envy you in some ways. Having my babies is the most important thing in the world. But it also means I'm not able to fully focus on myself and hsbe to take all their feelings into consideration with any decision I make. I suppose there are positives and negatives in both our situations I emailed laurel and said I'm in crisis. Hopefully I'll hear back ASAP. I'm trying to look to the future but I see nothing, not me or him or anything. It's so strange x
  17. Thank you fire fly. I do feel like that picture, all over the place. I'm having to take it hour by hour. As dramatic as that may sound, it's how it is. I'm still waiting for all the info. Tabs, thank you. Im still waiting for all the information, he's deeply hurting and running around trying to take care of us and find as much I go to disclose. He has undiagnosed adhd (which is a contributing factor to the addiction) so he's all over the place. I had a breakdown the other night. I suffer with mental health issues and was just getting over post natal depression. I was incredibly close to calling the mental health crisis team. It's still an option as I don't know where I'm at. I am so heartbroken and disgusted. I don't fully understand. I'm hurting, I'm confused. I could hardly bare the pain the other night. I honestly felt suicidal. If I didn't have my babies I wouldn't be writing this. I feel awful. Unattractive. He looks at one type of woman. Hes spent our entire relationship telling me how I'm his preference, he loves my body, its perfection, he spoke me into existsnce, he wrote down the type of woman he wanted and it was me. But they all look like them. The same. Carbon copies. I wanted to get Lip fillers (for myself) . He said no don't, your lips are perfect. But he looks at women with lip fillers etc. He looks at women that look quite fake. I can be quite glam, but I'm not fake at all. It all feels so intense. I have so many feelings. I'm desperate to feel better. I need to be better for my babies. But I want to run away. I'm waiting for this disclosure and it's killing me. I don't know what to do to stop this pain. I don't know how I feel. I keep looking back to that time. I spent so much time, energy, money trying to deal with what he was putting me through and help him to see something was going on with him. He was cheating the whole time. I think maybe he is just a cheat? Maybe he doesn't have an addiction. He put my health at risk. He's humiliated me. He's treated me like a piece of shit. I feel sick. I just want to be ok.
  18. My husband has cheated. There has been so much going on our entire relationship, but never cheating. Cams on a couple of occasions, excessive porn, following hundreds of Instagram accounts, not cutting full contact with ppl he slept with. He lied when we got together about his past. He's actually been sleeping with prostitutes for 4 years, prior to me and whilst we were just dating, alongside 5 or 6 women at a time. We met just a couple of months after his dad died and whilst him mum was potentially going to prison for doing something stupid and totally out of character. We broke up for 3 months March to May 2018. We got back together the start of June. He said he had slept with just one person. I noticed that he had added hundreds of accounts again after deleting them all after me begging him to. As far as I was aware there was nothing going on since October 2018 when we had the last new disclosure. After that, we had a fair few old ones that popped up. He went to counselling. He got his diagnosis last January. He seemed to take it well. A little too well. We had a couple of sessions with someone from the Laurel Centre. Things were going well. We decided to have a baby and fell pregnant in February. We also got engaged. Lockdown happened so we didn't continue sessions. We got married on October 2020, our baby boy came along November 28th. His first, my third. It was a stressful time, but life was complete. I noticed a couple of things on hubby's phone but didn't go into it. Then one day he needed help with an app on his phone and I went down his Internet history. He was watching porn most days. I left it and looked again the next night. He'd been watching it for months. Including going to the toilet while we were in hospital being induced. I approached him about it and it was anger, denial etc. So I left it and looked again. I wanted to see how far back this went. It was the entire of 2020 he was watching porn most days. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. My stomach dropped. I continued looking and the search went to 2018 where there adult work searches and hotel searches, going into 2019. I confronted him and he couldn't tell me. He said I'd never cheat. I looked into his uber account and cross referenced his internet searches and found 5 times he's likely cheated. Affairs and prostitutes. I confronted him. He said I must have, but I've blocked it out. I made him search for everything and he said searching stuff brought back memories. I sent him to stay somewhere else. He was there a, week when he came back to me with some answers after searching his phone, bank accounts etc. He'd slept with 3 women whilst we were together. More when we were apart. He slept with them 5 times in total. He's now looking into everything to find the prostitutes/brothels/massage parlours/saunas. I know it's extensive. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I had to make him come home as I wasn't coping. He's not coping either as he's just finally realised he's an addict and the pain he's caused me. I'm broken. I have a nearly 5 month old baby, I've been married 6 months and my life is falling apart. He believes the break up tipped him over the edge after his dad and mum. Has anyone got any advice for me? He's done the Kickstart workshop and booked onto the understanding partners one. I'm doing the partners workshop. Right now I've told him we're separated. I've taken my rings off. I feel sick. I can't believe it. Can anyone help? I'm on the waiting list for therapy through laurel xx
  19. There is a questionnaire on the Laurel site to determine if someone possibly has an addiction. But it can only give insight if the person tells the truth. Could you do this with hubby? And its not stupid, your feelings are valid. If that's how you feel, you can't help it. Xx https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict
  20. Hi I think firstly your hubby would need to speak to someone to see what's going on with him. Whether it's addiction or serial cheating. Would he be open to this? Big hugs
  21. Hi chrissy. So it's actually come out that he cheated on me several times back in 2018. I feel sick and devastated. I've made him leave this evening. I dunno for how long.
  22. Thank you firefly. Your support is appreciated. So much x
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