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Kaykay

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Kaykay last won the day on April 24

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  1. Thank you @Tabs it's nice, but horrible to have people that understand. This addiction permeates every part of our lives. Sending love x
  2. @Ann Hedoniathanks for your response. I'm still trying to rationalise that it isn't about me. But as far as I can get is that I know I'm enough, but he didn't see me as enough. I'm the love of his life. Even though this preceeded me, why didn't he get those feelings of being wanted, needed, desired and powerful from me? Since disclosure our sex life has better in some ways, worse in others. But now, I dont want to have sex with him at all. I checked online and some of what he was doing could be considered illegal. But there are grey areas around it. I once again, feel like I don't know this man. Last week he disclosed how he used to view and look at women in the street. He's just so pathetic.
  3. My husband just disclosed the type of porn he was watching. Its extreme and I'm absolutely disgusted. I didn't ask for it, I asked him if he wanted to take the stuff he watched into real life with me and he told me he would not want to do x, y or z with me I'm absolutely mortified. It's not normal, it's extreme and I feel sick. I'm almost 5 months from the latest and biggest exposure. When does it end? How can I get past this. He chose to go and watch that rather than have sex with his wife. Its another blow to my confidence.
  4. Hi hec I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to work on the relationship. But it seems like he needs to still work on himself too. Has he said why he won't do the work? I know my partner finds facing what he's done incredibly difficult Kay
  5. Hi long suffering I'm not at this point yet and haven't dealt with this. It sounds as though he has some work to do still? To learn that real life is better than that fantasy he is escaping to. Or maybe therapy for you together? Xx
  6. I'm 3 months post latest discovery. I believe there should be minimal privacy. That right was lost when he abused it. I need to know you're working on growing, changing, developing or I'm out. After all that's been done to me, I believe I fully deserve that. It takes time, but it's now a non negotiable. There are some things that are his, but most of his 'stuff' I expect to be shared. We are now doing a weekly catch up, I mostly share a d ask questions, he mostly listens because he is shit at communicating without my prompting. I don't think he fully understands himself or the addiction yet, but we still talk. You need something. It's not fair to be kept in the dark x
  7. @ChrissyI'm so glad you've been able to start rebuilding your life. That seems so far away from me. I feel like I'm stewing in his self loathing, insecurities, lack of self worth. Being collateral damage in someone's war with themselves is so devestating. I move forwards, backwards, left, right. But mostly in a big messy squiggle. Not really get anywhere. My life wasn't what I thought it was. And it may never be the same again. The loss is paralysing. It makes me not want to continue or even try and move past this. It makes me want to curl up and protect myself, for forever.
  8. Hi everyone. I had to stay off the forum for a while while I took in what was happening. So many similar experiences. It breaks my heart. We are now 3 months post discovery. I'm in a better place.. I think. Actually I still very much up and down. Im at the stage where I just can't be bothered. It seems like he's doing not much at all really. He was doing all the right things initially, but it's tailed off. I think either he's not coping or there's still more crap to come out. He did the partners course, made some attempts at 12 steps, but hasn't kept it up. I'm still none the wiser as to what is going on for him, how this addiction looks for him. What am I potentially signing up for. He finished the partners course 4 weeks ago. I asked him to do hypnotherapy so he can uncover some of what he forgot. Now I feel like telling him not to bother. I think I'm done waiting for answers and understanding and some kind of explanation. He's away 3 nights a week at his sisters. I don't think he's using that time effectively. Oh, we did get an accountability app about 2 weeks ago. Ive been doing this dance with him for four years. When do I stop? I feel like he's not communicating cos he's still hiding stuff. And I feel like I can't be bothered with it all. He refused to tell me how often porn is popping in his head. Just when he wants to act out. When do I say enough? X
  9. Thank you @Ann Hedonia Thank you @Chrissy That's the thing. He's doing absolutely everything he should be doing. We've not had one disagreement since the discovery where he's not said/done/responded 'correctly' I've been supporting him for 4 years and this is the first time I'm not. So why am I still struggling so much. He's doing everything. But part of me feels like it's too little too late. Im still in the whirlwind so I can't even think or behave properly yet. I can't make sense of anything to even begin to look after myself or know how I'm gonna do that or what it looks like. It's been nearly 8 weeks since this last discovery. I have the partner course coming up. I think I'll then do one to one sessions. Aside from that I don't know what to do. My gut churns and my heart aches
  10. I don't even know where to start. Please read over my other posts if you want to get the back story. How long will getting over this take. Will I ever get over it. Should I just separate from my husband. 6 months? A year? Will I ever be comfortable or settled? I don't see it. I don't think I will. Lies and lies and lies and lies. Cheating. I'm broken. I don't think I can get over it. The latest discovery was on 10th April. The worst yet. The one where I've hound he's cheated in the past. We had only been married 6 months and had a 4 month old baby. I hsve two other children, his step children. I initially made him leave, but made him come back as I wasn't coping. But I feel like I want to separate. How can I accept being treated so poorly. I don't think I can. I don't know if I want to separate for forever but I think I want to now. I can't even make sense of my feelings. I've been treated badly in my life but never as badly as this. And never been loved this much either. I don't think he deserves me. He's doing anything and everything to get better. Literally everything. But it took me finding this out for him to do so. It wasn't of his own accord. Or the years of my heartache. My pleading. My begging. My tears. That doesn't feel like love to me.
  11. Tabs, I feel similar to you in that I don't think I'll trust anyone again. He already made me question him but this is on another level. How long since your discovery / disclosure? Im really lucky that my family are open minded and I've told them all. But we're very much 'it's sad, but hold your head up and get on with it' His family are in shock. But I can't help but feel that they should have noticed his behaviour long before me. And called him out. They knew he slept with prostitutes, but noone obviously let him know just how bad it was. They did him a major disservice. It's good that you've got a good network around you. It's so important in times like this, as you're so right, we're victims. I'm not sure who else to look to in terms of a therapist, do you have anyone in mind. I need to be the selfish one now and think about me. I'm not carrying him anymore, forcing him to do shit that ultimately was a, waste of my time as the worst has happened. I feel sick with what's to come. He's telling me this evening, it's all written down. Need to put a plan in place so I don't plummet tomorrow. My life got put on hold as I was drained from helping him and it was all pointless. It is very grey, isn't it. There is no right or wrong. I'm not sure where I'm at but I definitely won't be in this position, ever again. Xx
  12. I find it so hard to believe. Why would he seek out one type of woman? I feel I'm not enough. My husband cheated with people he knew too. Texting, arranging meet ups. Slept over. This was before we lived together properly, or were married. He lived a lie so well. How did he cope with that? He's ruined something so special. I don't think I'll ever look at him the same or love him the same. I'm trying to rush feeling better. I don't know who I'm kidding. I envy you in some ways. Having my babies is the most important thing in the world. But it also means I'm not able to fully focus on myself and hsbe to take all their feelings into consideration with any decision I make. I suppose there are positives and negatives in both our situations I emailed laurel and said I'm in crisis. Hopefully I'll hear back ASAP. I'm trying to look to the future but I see nothing, not me or him or anything. It's so strange x
  13. Thank you fire fly. I do feel like that picture, all over the place. I'm having to take it hour by hour. As dramatic as that may sound, it's how it is. I'm still waiting for all the info. Tabs, thank you. Im still waiting for all the information, he's deeply hurting and running around trying to take care of us and find as much I go to disclose. He has undiagnosed adhd (which is a contributing factor to the addiction) so he's all over the place. I had a breakdown the other night. I suffer with mental health issues and was just getting over post natal depression. I was incredibly close to calling the mental health crisis team. It's still an option as I don't know where I'm at. I am so heartbroken and disgusted. I don't fully understand. I'm hurting, I'm confused. I could hardly bare the pain the other night. I honestly felt suicidal. If I didn't have my babies I wouldn't be writing this. I feel awful. Unattractive. He looks at one type of woman. Hes spent our entire relationship telling me how I'm his preference, he loves my body, its perfection, he spoke me into existsnce, he wrote down the type of woman he wanted and it was me. But they all look like them. The same. Carbon copies. I wanted to get Lip fillers (for myself) . He said no don't, your lips are perfect. But he looks at women with lip fillers etc. He looks at women that look quite fake. I can be quite glam, but I'm not fake at all. It all feels so intense. I have so many feelings. I'm desperate to feel better. I need to be better for my babies. But I want to run away. I'm waiting for this disclosure and it's killing me. I don't know what to do to stop this pain. I don't know how I feel. I keep looking back to that time. I spent so much time, energy, money trying to deal with what he was putting me through and help him to see something was going on with him. He was cheating the whole time. I think maybe he is just a cheat? Maybe he doesn't have an addiction. He put my health at risk. He's humiliated me. He's treated me like a piece of shit. I feel sick. I just want to be ok.
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