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Tabs last won the day on February 23

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  1. Hi Bluebell, I’m so sorry that you find yourself here. I can feel your pain. I have sadly discovered there are many of us, some never share their story, so well done for doing just that! My story is on this forum. I was devastated when I found out about my husband’s secret world. He had a lot of therapy, and still is, and is now understanding his actions and the impact this has had on his life, and mine. It is hard when we have lived a happy life with our partner, then to learn it was not as it seemed. Firstly, I have learned, that is not our fault. Secondly, it is for him to fix himself, and for you to put yourself first. Something I still struggle with. There are lots of good resources on this site, and other sites on the internet. I have read so many books, and papers and forums. My head understands now, but my heart hasn’t quite caught up. I’m still a work in progress! please practice self care, that is important. big hugs xx
  2. He has been to court, pleaded guilty, as the evidence is clear, ‘she’ wrote in messages that ‘she’was 13. His messed up mind didn’t even register it. ‘She’ sent a photo of ‘herself’, 18 year old, according to the decoy.....covering herself against being charged for illegal images, or was it really a pic of someone aged 18??? she spoke to him on the phone - actual age 30! I heard her on the video, clearly a full grown woman who smoked!! He never pretended to be anyone other than who is is. Who cares???? It seems the written word is the more powerful one. Who cares that it was an adult pretending to be a child, with an adult brain, someone intent on carrying out a sting for public entertainment? The law is the law. Yes, there will be ‘mitigating’ circumstances, but he has already damaged his life. He is now on the sex offenders register and will be sentenced next month. The court didn’t tell him to report to the police station, I did. He didn’t even know what he needed to take. What the hell???? We have a broken legal system, or one that wants to trip people up right from the off. I am angry that I am STILL having to look out for him. He lives so far away, living his new life, and he can’t even sort out something that could have landed him being arrested again. He has physically and mentally deteriorated. Is still suffering from severe depression. Authorities are concerned about him killing himself, I’m worried about that too, and consumed by worry and fear. But no one in authority gives a damn. 2, yes 2 physiologist reports show zero interest in children, and zero risk. We haven’t even been able to get beyond this to be able to sit together and really talk through the rest of it, the hurt and betrayal I feel with regards to his hookups. His secrets. His secret life. I have been in this hell for 18 months now. There have been times of calm, waiting, hoping. But now I can feel no hope. This sex addiction is truly dangerous and destructive. Where is the education?? My head understands addiction, the fact that he does love me, but my heart doesn’t understand. I don’t know how I can keep going. It’s all a mess. When will I be allowed to heal. My plea to you all is to stop them getting further and further into addiction. There are evil people out there. And a legal system that is broken, with many people who really don’t care. Make them read what can happen.....my husband didn’t choose this path, he was taken down it by his addiction. Sorry this is a ramble, but my experience has surely got to do some good for someone. I’m helpless with regards to my life, but want to help someone else. X
  3. Hi Fool, I don’t mind you asking at all. For me, I don’t feel I can continue with the marriage. We have not been able to live together anyway since the event, and I don’t think I can get over his betrayal, and the devastation and pain he has caused me. I still care however, so I don’t want him to suffer any more. I love him, but I’m not in love....I’ve heard that said before but only now understand what it means! I was advised early on not to make any quick decisions, so that’s what I am doing. x
  4. Hi 718jojo, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone. Please get your husband to look at my post. This is where this addiction can lead if he doesn’t address it and get help. I am very sure he wouldn’t want that! Take care of you and your child first and foremost and get as much help as you can. It really is not your fault. It is his battle that he needs to undertake. xxxx
  5. Hi Fool, I can’t just read and not comment. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. We have no children, we were not blessed so I can’t give any advice. Telling anyone is so very hard. I had no choice. People, total strangers, knew before me. The shock and horror initially then through the many months of slow disclosure was like torture. I have learned that I need to look after myself first and foremost. It is not my fault, as it isn’t yours. But there are reasons for the addiction, and that needs work, and he needs to work on that first. Please take good care of yourself and your children xx
  6. Hi Freddiebear, from my experience with my husband I would say that therapy is very important. It has unravelled loads of issues for my husband. He was rather like a swan, on the surface very calm, in control, managing his work and family in ‘his way’. Very successful and happy. Underneath though he was in turmoil and not coping at all. He used porn to self medicate, instead of addressing his demons by seeking help. And walked down that path into dangerous behaviour. I also have therapy to help me understand that it is not my fault, and that he is an adult and has to be accountable for himself, as I am accountable for me. But when you’ve been together, like you, for a long time, it’s not easy. We are still living apart, it’s very very tough. I just have to have hope that one day this will all be behind me/us, whatever that future may be. But whatever that future is, he will at least understand his ‘triggers’, he was totally unaware of what these were before. I hope this helps! But it is just my view. Xxx
  7. So update. Nothing found other than vigilante stuff. No images etc. But CPS has charged him. From what I hear of the evidence, it’s flimsy....Now the fight begins. It appears that vigilantes can do pretty much what they want.....police decoys are bound by rules etc, but vigilantes aren’t. So be very careful please everyone when you are online. It is a truly dangerous place. Where people are out to destroy others, and their families along with them. Even more scary is there is a 33% discount on any potential sentence if you plead guilty!!!!!!! So, yes he IS guilty of online chat, and guilty of a sex addiction! But is he guilty of the offences he’s been charged with?? Where is the fair trial? He’s already lost everything , and the public have already found him guilty, and me by association! This is a total nightmare. I have to get through this before I can even think about coming to peace with his addiction and the double life he was leading whilst married to me. He is not in a good place mentally, nor am I to be honest, but he needs to start his fight. I truly hate social media and the porn it contains, and the path it takes many people down. How much more can society take....
  8. Sorry, I have just reread and see that the images are not underage. However the forums still may help as the fact there is a criminal investigation into sexual crimes means we have a lot in common. x
  9. I am so sorry Worry_Wort, I don’t know if you have read my story, but we are in a similar position. I am now 16 months into my journey and hope I can use my own personal experience to help you. I understand your need to know what caused your husband to go down this route. I needed to understand too, to help process this massive shock. Your husband being in therapy is a great start, is it with a specialist therapist? Both my husband and myself see a StopSo therapist, they are very well informed in this area. They will help your husband explore why he got to where he did, he has uncovered a lot of issues on his childhood and into adulthood, all of which he covered up so well. He seemed calm, happy and under control. But he wasn’t. Through my therapist and the various on line offender partner forums I have learned there are so many people going through this journey , but it such a taboo subject that most people don’t talk about it. The therapists know a great deal about the crime side of things, which I find helpful for me. She also helps me process and acknowledge my feelings, which still continue to go all over the place. My therapist has also trained with Paula Hall, and she deals with other types of therapy too, so we cover a little of the relationship side, in fact whatever I need to talk about. I have joined the StopSo and Lucy Fauthful Stop it Now forums, and they are great to talk to people in a similar position to us. I also come here as not many on there have partners that have physically acted out too. Basically I look for as much support as I can! We ARE victims and I am determined to work to get the authorities to recognise us. I have great support from friends and my family, but it’s not a comfortable subject to talk about, and I don’t think they can truly understand. I initially went into overdrive on helping him and researching and reading, to the detriment of my mental health. I have only recently done free an online course on ’Healing Trauma from Sexual Betrayal’, I wish I’d done this many months ago, but I have only just found it. I’ve found it to be excellent. please google it, it may help you. I understand it feels like we’ve lost our husbands. I have a widow friend and we talk about how we feel, and we both agree it’s actually worse than death, as there isn’t the closure and the celebration of a life. But we have lost, suddenly, the life we were living and our future. I truly hope you find some peace soon. Although, I must say I’m still looking. With time though I have got much stronger than I ever thought possible. Take care X
  10. Thank you Jay123. I am so sorry that you are dealing with the agony of social media too. I just wish that there was more public awareness of this addiction. It is hard to explain to others, it sounds like excuses, not reasons, when I talk of his past and how it has impacted on his mental health which has led him down this addictive and destructive path. No one sets out to ruin their lives do they? We both have therapy which helps us understand. But some people don’t even want to attempt to understand. Many do though, and I am grateful for them in my life. People who know me/us. Strangers are the ones who are negative and very vocal, faceless keyboard warriors. I just wish that people were kinder. I don’t think they understand the impact of their words, at a time when we are in more than enough pain. I am still waiting for police outcome. We are still living apart. Another Christmas alone is looming , and with Covid too this year. I feel very sad for him, as he has no one, and that is not healthy. I talk to him occasionally but we are becoming more distant with each other, but he is still the one I want to turn to. Best wishes to you too, and I hope that you are able to move on with your lives. X
  11. Hi Firefly, I’m so sorry that you have struggled in this lockdown, you have given me, amongst others, strength, and your story has helped me make some sense of my husbands addiction. I’m pleased for you and your family that you took control. Due to our circumstances my husband left our home suddenly and has been living away for nearly 15 months now. He has no support network and is focusing on work and therapy only and living a very simple life. We talk occasionally, it’s always difficult, and I do occasionally ask him if he has relapsed or thought of it, and he says not. I can’t quite understand that, I know the shock of arrest was a major wake up call, but wonder if as an addict it can be that simple. I just don’t know whether to believe him. He seems to be putting his ‘old life’ as the triggers. This worries me as how will he ever live a ‘normal’ life with ‘normal’ relationships again. I doubt we will ever be back together again, as a couple, but I want him to well and safe and happy.
  12. Hi Natalieb, I have read your post and just want to say how very sorry I am that you are suffering this alone. I am not in the same position as you as I only found out about my husbands behaviour when he was arrested after being stung by vigilantes. I now know he had a hidden porn and sex addition which got out of control. I am also not an expert and am only slowly learning about this addiction. It is very complicated. Please please please don’t let your husband drag you and and your family into any dangerous positions. I wish I had known before his arrest so I could have at least tried to get him to get help before he destroyed everything. He lost all parts of his life and mine too in the process. You need to take care of you and your children first and foremost and be and feel safe and loved. Maybe show him my story, which is on the forum, to demonstrate to him the very real dangers of not dealing with the addiction. Share your fears about your relationship. Communicate with him. It’s then his choice what he does, and your choice to do whatever you need to do. One thing I have learnt is that we are not responsible for anyone, other than ourselves, and obviously our young children . I have a therapist who is trained in this area, (one good thing about covid is that the sessions are very much cheaper now that they are on zoom). Talking it through with someone who understands makes it easier For me to understand and Identify what I need to do whilst still supporting from afar. It is painful hearing him in distress but he has to get himself well and healthy. I need to do the same for me. If you can possibly find some way of affording it, it will really help you. Otherwise reading all the resources. Sending you love and strength. x
  13. Thank you so much for your kind words Ann. They have really touched me. Right from the time that the police knocked at my door I have been searching and searching for answers, lots of reading, searching the internet and talking, lots of talking. I have always thought that I couldn’t have misjudged him. How could I have loved and lived with someone for so long and not recognise the person that the police and public now believe him to be. So I guess I found comfort in learning about the addiction. The addiction was not all of him. He is still that original good man, but made bad choices. I understand now what an impact peoples childhoods have on them, all can go on very comfortably in life until they are put in a stressful situation then they go back to the deep recesses of their mind. I have been through every emotion known, and I still hate what he did, but I can’t hate him. How can I? However, a very important part of our relationship has been broken, trust. It is so important to me that I don’t think I can ever have him back in my life fully. He is still very broken and isn’t able to have a real relationship I think. He has his journey to go through and I have mine. I’m just so sad. I’m just so very grateful for the wonderful support I have been shown. That has carried me and enabled me to try and find my own strength. I wish you all the best in your journey too. It’s a horrid thing to experience. I just wish people were able to be more open as it would actually improve many lives. xxx
  14. This post is so useful. Thank you snowflake and Firefly for sharing your experiences, particularly you sharing your experience as a SA/PA Firefly. So many similarities with my husband. It is awful that my first reaction to my husbands explanation was disbelief, but it was. It’s only by hearing others that I now believe him., particularly the not remembering details of the physical acting out, and saying it did not mean anything........ I couldn’t imagine how this wouldn’t have been a huge thing, with every emotion heightened, and other people involved, which to me would make it memorable. But then I am not an addict therefore I would think differently I guess. I feel so sorry for everyone that gets caught up in this cycle. x
  15. Thank you for your responses. Firefly, exactly right. I am not being investigated and nor should I be. The question is why in this day and age are people so judgemental without knowing the facts. Education in this subject is seriously lacking I for one, was totally ignorant! So I guess I can’t blame them. But I’d like to think that I would have be willing to try to understand. Snowflake, thank you! I have been feeling that I may be on my own with the ‘one and only’. I used to be proud of that fact, that I found my true love and that making love was special and for him only. Then with recent events I wondered if that was what made him look elsewhere, that he felt cheated, I never did feel that way. He actually confessed to feeling that he felt almost entitled to mess around as he was listening to other men , of all ages, who boasted about their conquests!!!!! I should have noticed that he liked hanging out with them and having quiet secretive conversations. He thought if he kept it secret it wouldn’t matter!! With therapy he now realises that is totally wrong and that no-one should objectify any other person. his therapist has helped highlight his poor role models as a child. I am pleased that you are finding your way back to each other. I feel I will always love my husband, We have spent most of our lives together and grew together but I currently think I have gone through too much to ever truly trust him and believe in him again. For him to put me in the position where I was literally in fear of my life and leave me so he could look after himself first is not who I thought he was. He says he still loves me and always will but he is not fighting to be with me at all. He is still frightened for himself, and I don’t admire that. I have been fighting for him AND myself, and I don’t think he really understands that. He has no contact with any of our family, friends, godchildren etc. I am left to explain and comfort them, and they are as confused as I am. Sunflower, thank you for your support. I totally understand the need to step away from the forums. Sometimes it feels like you are picking away at scab. It is comforting and painful at the same time. I know for me, I feel everyone’s pain as well as my own and sometimes it’s too much to bear and takes some additional energy to then post. I so appreciate your support everyone. I actually feel more at home here than the ‘relations of offender’ forums. As here I can read and relate to the emotional and sexual side of things, without focussing too much on the ‘crime’ side. I can’t tell you how much it helps me . As that is the crux of it all. Meanwhile for me, his toxic family continue to do their worst. How can a family turn their back on one of their own who is in pain? I despair, but also In a way it helps me understand that he couldn’t cope with it. They are not my family therefore don’t impact on me in the same way. My family are loyal and dependable and have strong values, in that I am lucky. I AM strong and I WILL survive. I hope that soon I will thrive. That is my hope. There has to be some good coming out of this, there has to be!!! I hope we all find peace and happiness. xxxx
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