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Tabs

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Tabs last won the day on July 14

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  1. Life goes on. I’m still on my own. Now 23 months! I can’t imagine ever being with anyone ever again, but that’s ok. I am getting quite good at organising my life, and now quite enjoying doing what I want and not putting someone else first. I read all the posts here, and realise that I am lucky not to be navigating an ongoing relationship with him. I recognise that I have been to hell and back with everything, but at least I’m able to have space and time to recover and focus on myself. My friends and family remain wonderfully supportive. So most of the time I don’t feel lonely. However, I have some people close to me who are very sick, including a sibling. I am supporting them, and feel his absence so much at this time. Why, again, when I need him, has he abandoned me? I’m not talking physically, as that ability has been taken, but emotionally. I now recognise his lack of empathy. He is emotionally immature and or damaged. He always relied on me to do the emotional things in our relationship, I thought it was because he was busy or that I tended to recognise things quicker, but I think he was blind to them. I had hoped for some concern from him, a check-in. But no, it seems I am still more invested in this relationship, albeit as friends, than he is! I guess that’s a lesson for me. I shouldn’t expect others to be as I am. I though need to be true to me and my values. He still hides away. Me on the other hand, am still trying to change things for those that will follow, us and me. I just do what I can, as I don’t want this experience to not benefit someone! I managed, last week, to get a face to face one to one with my MP! I’d already written to him 3 times, acknowledged once, ignored twice. I rather took him by surprise, and he couldn’t say no! I raised the subjects of porn, justice system, on line harm bills failings, prison life! I was very open and frank. I have nothing to lose, and I want to talk for those that are afraid to or still carrying their partners shame. I have no great hopes, he was very ill informed! Thought that I would have been supported very well by ‘the systems’…..hmmm no! But at least I can say I tried! Wishing you all strength and love. Onwards! Xx
  2. I read your posts with admiration. My position, as you know is different. We have had to live and deal separately with outcome of this addiction of his. I really don’t know how we would have dealt with this whilst living a ‘normal’ life together. I hope I would have been as strong and compassionate as you are. Only you know what you is right for you and your families. Xx
  3. Hi Lilo, I’m sad to read this post. I can hear that you feel very abandoned. I am no expert in this, it seems that every situation is different. I hope an expert will be able to give you some answers. From what you said earlier he is having therapy, maybe he is struggling with his own feelings still and needs to continue to deal with his demons alone? My husband I myself have been apart for 22 months now, I doubt we will ever be reunited as a couple, but I am supporting him. We have only met for 3 times for probably an hour total during that time. We texted and talked on phone, but only when we needed to to address practical issues. My situation was different in the outcome but the same root cause. The emotional support I needed I found from friends and family. I have have therapy which has helped me to see that I am capable of living alone and helps me explore what I want, what my values are. He has not been ready to open up and discuss fully, his therapy was intense and identified and explored a lot of hidden traumas. We have agreed once he is out of prison we will have a joint therapy session to help us explore our relationship and find closure. He still says he loves me and has hopes for us reuniting, but I have to make sure that any decisions I make are good for me, and honour my core values, I am responsible for me and me only. He is responsible for himself. I do hope that you find peace. Sending love. xx
  4. Hi Cara, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is truly awful. It’s good that you have sought help, it’s important to look after yourself first and foremost. All you feel is valid, the trauma of this is rather like grief, and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it, and no right and wrong decisions. That I think is what makes it so hard! You have to come to your own decisions that bring you peace. He has to focus on himself, only he can decide to change the way he lives and to address his own demons. Have you read any of the resources on this site? Paula Hall has a great book for partners, it’s good to know that what you are feeling, with the triggers, is ‘normal’ Have a read through old posts, there is a wealth of information, but most of all, it helps to know that you are not the only person with those feelings. One day you will find the old you again, the confident and strong woman that you are, and surprisingly you will find that you are even stronger than you were before, and wiser! Take good care of yourself xx
  5. I’m so sorry Yet Again that you are going through this painful ordeal. I’m now 22 months down the line from a very traumatic ‘reveal’. I knew nothing at all, but now, with hindsight, I can see the withdrawal from me, the lack of intimacy, the avoidance of eye contact, the lack of meaningful communication, the lack of enthusiasm for day to day activities. I have crawled my way back from the depths of despair, through learning about this awful addiction, and the realisation that it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. We cannot be held responsible for our partners behaviours and actions, but once we know, we can support them, if we choose to. And that is key, it’s our choice, and no one else can say what the right thing is for us to do. We could be the most attractive woman in the world, but we cannot compete with porn. Sadly the world generally is blind to the fact that porn is so destructive. It reframes what sex is, in an entirely unhealthy way. Try hard to focus on yourself and your needs first, he needs to address his own behaviour, because he wants to change his life, not because you want him to. It’s very hard. You are not alone, there are many of us. I hear of more and more, People do not generally talk openly about this. It is so taboo. Which is sad, as without acknowledging it, more will fall victim. take care xx
  6. Hi DeeJay, So sorry you find yourself here. As you say it’s so surreal, and not where any of us would imagine being! There are too many of us! I think, for me, having that final full disclosure felt almost a relief. It’s better knowing the truth than imagining all sorts of things. I always felt there was more after earlier confessions, I didn’t believe him when he said there was no more, and that feeling was right! Now that feeling has gone, and I can try to understand and unpack what the reality was and how I feel about it/him. You need to do whatever it is you feel you need. Everyone reacts differently as every situation is different. Don’t feel pushed into anything you don’t want. Put yourself first. Practice self care. I cried a lot, I talked to friends a lot, I read and researched…then I eventually came to a place of peace. We all deserve that. Wishing you the very best. xxx
  7. Hi Sofia, first of all, be kind to yourself. You are grieving the loss of the relationship as you knew it, with all that grief entails. There is no right or wrong way to feel or deal with things. Take your time. Look after you first. I am 22 months down the line, and can say for sure, none of this is your fault. His demons to fight, by him, not you. He needs to understand what took him there, and deal with that trauma. You need to heal from this betrayal. There are many books and there are blogs too on this site that can help you understand. You are not alone. Many struggle with this in secret and alone. Therapy helped me enormously, as I am sure it will help you, in the meantime, just breathe and try to eat and drink, don’t put any pressure on yourself. Take care. xxx
  8. Hi KR1212, I believe you have come to a kinder place than mumsnet. Porn addiction, from my experience, isn’t really acknowledged and understood by anyone who has not been impacted by it, or those that have studied it. It is real, it is relationship destroying and sadly, as I have experienced it is life destroying. The good thing is your husband recognises he needs help and has sought it. That’s takes courage. For us partners we are suddenly thrown into an alien world, where we feel are we no longer able to trust our judgment. My husband, like yours was the kindest gentlest man. Unbeknown to me he was suffering mentally and porn, including on line chat, and actual hookups, was his medication. From being very broad minded on the subject of porn, and social media, with the knowledge I have gathered, I now believe it to be toxic. Many lives are being destroyed, and will continue to be, with those affected getting younger and younger. Until society wakes up to this, it will continue, and get even worse. It might help you to read Paula Halls book for partners, and there are other books covering porn addiction which I have found useful, The porn trap, the porn myth….it’s very real. Do you have anyone that you can trust to talk to? It’s a heavy burden to carry alone. It is a tough and emotive subject, and as you found on mumsnet, the ‘public’ tends not to want to understand or look deeper. Remember, this is NOT about you!! It took me some time to realise this, but it helps enormously to know this. You could have done nothing to stop this behaviour. It is about him. look after yourself, put yourself first, and practice self care….hugs to you! xx
  9. Hi, this has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It’s about him. So please don’t think you could have done anything to change him. He needs to seek help, he needs to understand why is is doing this and the impacts on others. You are not alone in this confusing and upsetting world. There are many of us. Some support their partners going through this, and some choose to walk away. Have a look through stories on here, and look at the recommended resources that may help you. It is a truly heartbreaking situation to find yourself in, and you need to look after yourself first and foremost. I found that, for me, finding out as much as I could helped me to understand and stop me from constantly searching for why it happened to me. It can and does happen to many people, more than we know. That knowledge helps a little. It is early days, so live an hour at a time, breath, practice self care…. Big hugs
  10. Hi Feeling Fragile, I’m doing ok thank you. Settling into some sort of normality. I am fortunate to have some great support. I am still shocked at times that I am in this position. Honestly, if you knew us as a couple you would not have guessed that we would be where we are! I am now navigating the truly awful prison system. I was painfully unaware of how it is in there. I will continue to support him until he is back on his feet. I feel I need to honour our long marriage. I am doing lots of self help, and finding what works for me. I’m still sad for the life that I lost, but looking back and being bitter doesn’t help me. I’m still trying to get authorities/ media/anybody to talk to and get them to listen to my story. I honestly believe that until porn is tackled more and more, mostly men, will get caught up and ruined. We also need to find some open discussions on the subject. I honestly had no clue there was such a thing as porn addiction! I want my experience to be help others. That my healing. x
  11. Hi Kaykay, I feel for you. This is such a difficult situation, you’ve given your all to someone and they have betrayed you. Have you tried therapy? It sounds as though you would welcome help in unpicking your thoughts and feelings. I find talking to my therapist incredibly helpful. She helps me pinpoint exactly what it is I feel unhappy about and then helps me to explore what I can do about it. I feel like I have control over my life and my decisions now. I talk to her less frequently now, but know that she is there should I need her. That gives me strength to face the future. xx
  12. Lilo, I hear you, I really do. I so wanted my husband to plead with me to stay with him, to tell me that he really loved me, tell me why, to demonstrate his love. It it such a mess of conflicted emotions, but all I wanted was the person I thought he was......I needed him so badly. But, I know now, that he really needed to focus on himself, and try to understand the root of his problems, his, NOT mine or ours, HIS. He needed to find out who he was. I needed to take time to heal, to reflect, and to find myself again. Therapy helped me, as did lots of mindfulness and meditation, and my friends, they became my source of comfort and love. And I read, lots, and tried to understand. Firefly, thank you for sharing your experience with us, it must be painful to remember. But you are certainly helping me understand the ‘why’s’. It’s a brave thing to do. I am in a position now of some peace. I’m 20 months in from D day. Of course, life still sends me problems to overcome. But I try now to not let it overwhelm me, sometimes I’m better at that than others. My husband is in prison, for a total of 14 months. He’s nearly served 2. He will have a lot of obstacles to overcome, but they are his. I choose to support him, by doing that I am being true to myself, but I am also protecting myself, by keeping some distance relationship wise. I forgive him, I forgive those in his life who made his life so difficult. That’s the only way forward. I do not want to live the rest of my life in anger, resentment or fear. I so want to help others, there are so many on this path of destruction. I wish I had known about this ‘danger’. Until we start being open and honest, this addiction will continue to rise. That is so sad! To everyone, I wish you peace going forwards. We can and will learn and improve from this horrendous experience. xxx
  13. Dear All, I just want to share something that I feel is a positive to come out of this awful situation we find ourselves in. I now actually really SEE the world that I live in. I have been gifted with more compassion and empathy than I had before. I now believe that if we truly open ourselves up to learning about what is in front of us, taking our time, and instead of going along with our initial reactions and emotions, gifted to us by past experiences, our education and morals, together with media propaganda and mob rule mentality, we really grow. We improve as individuals. So, even though I have gone through the very worst, I have, I believe come out of it as a better and stronger person! I do hope so! I’m sorry if this grates with some, but I just want to share some hope and positivity. I needed it so badly at the start of this journey. much love and strength to you allxxx
  14. GemGem and Nort123, I have read your heartbreaking posts. I have been where you are. My husbands addiction took him to prison. Not a happy ending. I have learned that what he did had absolutely nothing to do with me. He did truly love me. Therapy for him was very powerful, he started to understand what led him down the path...unbeknown to me, and previously ignored by him, he was suffering with various mental health issues. The porn and sex was his self medication. He should have dealt with the issues that made him self medicate, but, that’s the problem, he was ill! A vicious circle! I do wish that this subject wasn’t so taboo. Then we could talk more openly, know where to go for help, have non judgemental support. This is an escalating problem, porn is an unregulated drug. I found the 3 (free) videos on this website so informative https://fightthenewdrug.org Our marriage has not survived it, we’re not yet divorced, but have been apart for many months. The trauma I have lived with has been truly dreadful. The loss of a long and happy relationship and marriage is hard to deal with, but for this reason?!!! I have therapy, not so often now as I have finally processed it and come to some sort of peace. We are all ultimately responsible for only ourselves, we cannot force anyone to do anything. We deserve to find happiness and peace. Whether that is with the person that we love that has put us through this ordeal, or alone, or with a new partner, who knows, but we have to open ourselves up and love ourselves first! That’s what I’m trying to do! Hard some days! Keep strong, sending love. xxxx
  15. I think, from what he said, it was addict zone. Not thinking, just going for the dopamine hit. It coincided with some tough stuff going on with his work, and added to difficulties with his family, he self soothed instead of addressing the problems. It has come as a shock to him too! There are so many men caught up in on line sex crimes now, it’s so easy to access illegal material and engage in illegal chats. They think it’s not real life, and can be hidden away....but no! The reward part of the brain takes over from the part of the brain that risk assesses, like all addicts I guess. Xx
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