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Sunflower last won the day on July 5

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  1. I’m hoping that those suffering from Sex and Pornography addiction on here may be able to offer me some insight. I feel like I’m really struggling to understand what my husband has done. How he kept so many secrets from me when our relationship seemed so loving and beautiful! I really want to know what he was thinking when he made visits to a sex worker. What the trigger was at the time. But he is really struggling to do this. It makes me question everything. I’m just trying to understand it all. The betrayal is so painful 😢
  2. Hi NJJ and Kittywood I am sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I think I got to the point where I couldn’t face even looking at this forum. There are times when you become sick of this being your new unexpected life. I too have cried every single day for 14 months... without fail and often several times in a day. I have felt every emotion possible and it’s horrible. The worst is anger. It has, at times turned me in to someone I don’t even recognise. Maybe rage is a better word. It has led me to physically lash out... pushing and slapping my husband and I believe no one should hit anybody. Not in a way to hurt, but even so, it’s goes against all I believe a person should be. This is such a devastating feeling. I am still in a state of disbelief and shock. But the prolonged disclosure hasn’t helped that. My husband is doing all that he can and is having trauma therapy. But that still doesn’t take away my trauma. I think we have to listen to our inner voice. I feel I am more attuned to that now. So whatever you are feeling, listen to it but don’t make any hasty decisions. Seek therapy and talk it through. Hopefully you will come to the right decision for you and your family. Take care x
  3. Hello Autumn Thank you for your response. I would like to say that I also feel that the lies about small things are completely important to me too! I say to my husband that they are just as important as the big lies. It’s about trust and it’s so damaging when you are trying to rebuild that. Whatever may be the cause of the sex addiction, I never felt so disrespected, unimportant and unspecial in all my life and it’s been done by the man I love the most in my life! For 21 years he made me feel the opposite and to discover his deception during all of it feels too much to bear. Like you say, my husband is trying so hard and is so ashamed. But I feel so much anger and sadness right now. I am not strong enough without therapy. Take whatever help you can. XX
  4. Thanks Struggling partner. You have put in to words exactly what I have expressed to my partner this morning after more snippets of disclosure. Plus I am tired of only getting this through my obsessive questioning. But what you have just said about how they actually can’t do that yet is true! Now I see it. So thank you. It is so hard though to accept this. A very lonely place to be. I too question why I’m still with him. Worry I’m stupid and even compare myself to partners of domestic abusers who stay, because I do feel like I have been abused. It’s an isolating place to be during such unexpected isolation due to Covid. Sometimes I feel like I will never be happy again. Sending love to you all. Try to stay strong and reach out when you need to xx
  5. A year to this week since discovery day and I am still getting more disclosure. 😢. Please if you are an addict, tell me why this happens and will it ever stop 😟
  6. Hello AutumN My heart goes out to you. I have experienced exactly the same. A year ago to this week that I discovered a message from a prostitute on my husbands phone. A year later and I am still getting new disclosures 😢. I obsess just like you do and a year later I am asking those very personal questions. We are told not to ask for details. But for me, imagining them was worse than the truth. I need to know. They definitely minimise what they’ve done. Through shame and not wanting to hurt us more. Unfortunately so far I have discovered that there is always more. 😟 But I just want honesty! I am devastated. You couldn’t wish to meet a kinder, gentler more loving man. It makes no sense! Are you both having your own individual counselling?
  7. Hi Dews and StillinLove i have seen your post as Firefly linked it to mine. Firstly I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is an exhausting and debilitating experience. I know it won’t help stop your thoughts and checking, but it is normal. You have experienced a trauma. Your constant checking is you trying to reassure yourself and find emotional safety. The wanting to argue is your anger. Which of course is justified. Are you having any counselling? I’ve had a long and staggered disclosure. My worst fears were confirmed in February, so I feel like I’m back in the early days of trauma. I obsess constantly about my husband’s visits to a prostitute during our 21 years together. It’s horrible. I am having therapy and having EMDR therapy. But I feel it’s a very long road ahead. I also agree that it feels like we have been given an addiction! But we can do things to reduce our pain. Checking this woman’s social media won’t make you feel any better. Maybe when you get that urge to look, you can journal your thoughts instead. Out of your head and on to paper helps. Then put it away somewhere for a while. Or maybe talking to your partner about how you’re feeling at that moment. Would he support you by talking and reassuring you? Maybe have a think about what you think might help you. Remember you’re not alone xxx
  8. Oh my heart goes out to you Kaykay. I’m sending you a virtual hug. The EMDR feels strange. I’m in the early stages of it. It does help but I’m finding it’s effects don’t last. But I think it’s more effective the more you have. I’m willing to try anything. It’s so awful to feel such pain isn’t it. Please try to get online therapy if you can. You are not alone x
  9. Yes Kaykay. I’m having a really bad patch. Cant stop picturing in my mind what he may have done. I fight everyday not to ask for details. But the anxiety makes me feel physically ill. Feel very angry too. Very difficult while in lock down. Firefly, it does feel like being locked up! I appreciate this is hard for my partner too! I am having my therapy online. I wasn’t sure how it would work but it’s been a lifeline. I’m also having EMDR and I didn’t think it was feasible, but it is possible. Kay Kay, would your therapist consider online therapy?
  10. I too am surprised that you had no response from anyone Sc1. As a partner of a sex addict I tend to read partners concerns. To be honest I’m often too scared to look at this section in case it’s too triggering. I hope that you may have found some help. If not, please do. Your addiction is about something much deeper. As a partner I feel the only way is honesty, as painful as that is for both parties. I wish you lots of luck in finding a new and healthier path.
  11. Thanks Tina. There is definitely shame there! I think because I was told several times I’d been told everything and then discovered I hadn’t been, it’s so hard to trust. I think they block things out so well in order to live this double life, that they truly take time to remember. It is so suppressed. I was also told that they are acting out in such a heightened state of a ‘high’, that this affects memory too. I guess a drug addict or alcoholic does this. I just find it so hard to imagine how you could forget such things! I think you are right about being put on the spot. The ‘deer in the head lights’. They just freeze. I hope with therapy we can all work through this. I hope you move positively forwards. X
  12. Thank you Ginny and Tina. That’s really useful. My husband had told me he has shared all. I think he has, but he lied with his disclosure before. So this makes me scared. I’ve had a long and difficult disclosure, taking nine months! So the worst info was told only three months ago. I think I am just back in the early stages again. But I do know I need to focus on me. Easier on some days than others. I appreciate your comments.
  13. Thank you Tina. It certainly helps to hear other partners share their feelings. You are right about it damaging our mental health. I question everything now! How could I have absolutely no clue, no idea that this was going on? It’s hard to put that aside as it is hard to put aside the betrayal. Sometimes I feel that I will never recover from it. I have such a deep sense of loss! But you are right in that we have to look to the future. If we don’t do that, then there’s really no point in continuing in the relationship. But our addicted partners have their part to play too. They have to show us that change is happening, and with complete openness and honesty. I have found the Paula Hall books crucial to my understanding of SA and I think they will play an important part in our recovery....
  14. Hi Ginny. Jumping in on this feed, I would like to ask a question that may also help Tina. You talked about healing first and rebuilding trust. I’m really struggling to do that without a therapeutic disclosure ( which is on hold due to the current Covid situation). I feel I am terrified to try and heal and deal with what I know. Then I have to possibly face new information. That would just take me right back to the beginning. If I’m to try and work through this and commit to my husband, I need to know all of him before I make that decision. That was denied me when we first met and for the 21 years that we’ve been together. Is this a common feeling amongst partners?
  15. Thank you Firefly. I do try to focus on the positives. I researched and read so much on SA and I still am learning. I did say to my husband that from a theoretical point of view, I can rationalise it all. But of course, I’m a wife in deep shock and pain and that takes time to recover from. Your quote of a transaction to get a fix is helpful. It’s not like an affair. I do realise it’s the betrayal that is the hardest to accept. But addiction doesn’t care about that, or anyone. I’m working hard to see that the addiction is not the man I love. I know it will take time, therapy and building communication between us. I am finding this forum a great support.
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