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Nigel

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  1. Hi , I have noticed while researching the phone app there is a lot of Chemsex offered on Grindr. It seems to be offered by men who are using prep. A Gay Sexual Health nurse told me that HIV is no longer number one threat but as a result of men using prep and having unprotected sex there has been an increase in other Sti's and worryingly incurable Gonorrhea. I am guessing that Chemsex is one move on from using Popers.
  2. There are some published articles and online about straight men who have sex with men. They do not identify as gay and they do not have emotional attachment to other men. I am guessing it is some sort of acting out. I am a gay man and have seen many straight men exploring homosexuality for various reasons. Sexuality can also be a fluid thing.
  3. If the app has only been deleted then the profile will still be active. All messages tho will have been deleted as they are stored in the phone app. It takes 3 mins to load and start the app. many users load it, use it and meet, then delete it but keeping the profile alive. It is that quick and easy. I managed to hack Grindr on my partners old phone without a password. It had all his messages for nearly a year. Graphic detail and photos. It made me psychically sick but it was also a relief to know what he had done.
  4. Hi Ruby , I am sorry to hear what your husband has done and for so many years. Being a gay man and also having had girlfriends when I was young I understand that sexuality can be fluid. People tend to make a choice one way or the other which sexuality to concentrate on or follow. I think many people have sexuality that swings maybe even just a tiny bit each way. Outside influences can sway it either way. Even just an opportunity to experience it. People normally make a choice of sexual path to follow and also make a choice of who is their partner. That is usually a monogamous partner. Some couples might decide otherwise but that is their joint decision. It wouldn't be mine nor I think most people. Its sad that your husband wasn't able to tell you about aspects of his sexuality and that might be due to the stigma that being Gay has carried for years. Things are very different now but the stigma and bigotry are still well ingrained in parts of society. This leads people to keep secret feelings they might have. Do you think your husband is bisexual or gay but married. There are also men who have sex with men. They are described as such because they do not have emotional ties with men and do not associate with a gay lifestyle. I am gay but I do not associate exactly with a gay lifestyle. Your husband hasn't gone off with another woman so it shows that you are what he wants and needs in that respect of his sexuality. Gay men have historically had to live and make contact in secret spaces. Only recently is it more open and normalised. I luckily never had to experience these secret spaces and was lucky to have long term partners who I just happend to meet. Unfortunately these secret spaces can be seedy and draw people into a world of easy sex. The same is true in the str8 world but far from mainstream. It sounds as tho your husband has been affected by one of these secret spaces, or an opportunity of gay sex experience arose which he mistakenly took. I say mistakenly because he was married to you. You haven't said if you know if he had gay sexual contact before you were married or met. I suspect that he had but didn't disclose it to you as he thought is was just a past phase of fluidity and that now he was following a heterosexual sexuality. Even people who are bisexual still have a monogamous relationship with one sex or the other. Its no license to have both. But some relationships might be like that and both partners enjoy it within the confines of the relationship in three sums. But thats both to choose. I hope I am giving you a better idea of sexuality and an understanding from my gay perspective. I hope it helps you in some way. Cheating on you is horrible but have you explored with him his other sexuality. When he was young etc. There are many many straight men on Grindr and all the other platforms for gay people. Its not unusual and people would be very surprised if they knew the extent. What isn't right is people who are in relationships cheating on their partners , gay straight bi or whatever. In respect of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour AKA sex addiction, (compulsive gives a better vision of it ) triggers can cause people to loose their senses and do mad things disregarding others feelings. Just sex on its own can do that without an addiction. Do you know what triggered your husband to act out while being married to you ? It seems as tho once a person acts out without discovery it makes them think they can do it again to get the same quick fix. As with all addicts they then crave more and more of the dopamine effects in the brain. This combined with apps like Grindr or the hetrosexual / bisexual Tinder is a recipe for disaster whether they are in a relationship or not. They leave people unable to have what we think of as a normal relationship. Thats not saying, not normal relationships are not ok as well. But only if all party's agree. Grindr is 10 years old and its effects are shocking on gay society and mens mental health. Its all very short term hits. Look up Ghosting , that says what has happened to relationships and has only come about since online dating . Having sex with people any way you like is fine. As long as you are not in a marriage or monogomous relationship. Just remember tho he hasn't gone off with other women. XX
  5. Hi i am a gay guy who has been in relationship for 13yrs. We are non scene and dont have any other gay friends. I discovered in April that after my partner got his first smart phone 3 years ago thathe downloaded the Grindr app. Unknown to me he had been having phone sex for many years previous. He used Grindr as the equivalent of phone sex but then he acted out and met someone. He went on to meet 8 men in 3 years , four of them multiple times and one many times for 1 1/2 yrs. He says he has no opinion of the men and there is no emotional connection. His variety of porn over the three years became more and more extreme and he got into BDSM masochism with them. Our sex life is pretty much vanilla. It has been a roller coaster of discovery for me and has eaten me up inside. I still love him very much and he says he never wants to do it again but he is reluctant to address his addiction even tho he acknowledges he behavior has been out of control. I see there are ladies on the forum who have been affected by this Grindr app. I just wondered if there are any other Gay guys who have been affected like I have.
  6. After I found out I gained or was given my partners account logon details and email accounts. I had his old smart phone and was able to track his exact movements over a yr and a half. I could see he even met men during his work lunchbreak and when he had given me an exscuse of going to meet a friend or relative. I read 12 mths of messages with guys he met discussing what they had done or wanted to do. Even photos sent to each other. I found that even when I was in bed he was in the other room chatting and sending pictures. I read the messages where he was walking thru the mens front doors. Every sordid detail. For me it was initial disgust and anger but then a relief because now I knew exactly what he had done, where and when. I also knew who with. Some of it was laughable. Some of it was shockingly odd. These men are on this app 24/7 every day looking for casual sex with whoever is available. Grindr has the dregs of the Gay World , the real sleazy types. It also has normal people. Most who use it realize this and delete the app. Some then reload and again delete. Its as tho the users have a love hate relationship with it. Knowing its not right but unable to stay away. For some it becomes their life. I soon realized that the men my partner had met are sex addicts as well. CSB is an alternative description Compulsive Sexual Behavior and I can see this in my partner. At times he looked like a wild animal and when I found out it was because he was behaving like a Bull Elephant on heat. It was like a demon possessed. He now says he doesn't want to loose the BDSM acting out he has found and expected me to do it with him moving forward. Its not my thing and makes me cringe. Grindr works in a different way to most date apps. It uses Geo-location to let you know how close or the exact location of other users. There is little attempt to get to know what other people are like and it it just the mechanical act of sex that 90 % of users are seeking. It is possible to find a sex partner within mins of joining and possibly located within hundreds of feet. It has been likend to the equivalent of an online Glory Hole. This really is the sleazy end of the Gay World. The same sleaze exists in the Straight world but it is much more underground and not pushed as mainstream like it unfortunately sometimes is in the Gay world. Unfortunately for Gay people sleaze is pushed as product for business profits in gay society. There is no money in monogamy in the gay world as of yet. But things are changing and young gay people are rejecting the stereotypes and sleaze that existed in the older generation when gay sex was illegal and underground. Grindr returns users to those dark days. The app even has a facility to check for men along your travel route. Mt partner would check for men as he drove home from relatives or work. It was so bad that last year we went on holiday with his dad to Rome and he was using the app 24/7 trying to meet men in Rome or the Hotel. That really shocked me. I scrutinized the app and how it works. It is not a nice thing and users can send standard automated messages while cruising for sex. Everything is completely impersonal . Trends of paraphilias abound like the latest craze and I couldn't understand how all these people were all into this same themed role play. Grindr makes it all too easy to just have nearly instant sex with strangers. Imagine what that does to their minds and reason. No Email verification is required and its completely anonymous and mostly untraceable due to the technical way it sends and stores messages. The messages are not on the apps servers but on users phones. The Grindr company has not access to the users messages. All in all its a nasty sleazy app that corrupts ordinary peoples minds and turns them into addicts. There are many articles in the gay press on its destructive nature.
  7. Hi Ruby , variable ratio response techniques appear to be used by many apps and attract the user to keep checking the app for responses. Below is an extract from an interesting article by a Gay Psychiatrist called Jack Turban. who is a resident psychiatrist at Harvard medical School. """Grindr, intentionally or not, also leverages a psychological concept called variable ratio reinforcement, in which rewards for clicking come at unpredictable intervals. You may find a hookup immediately, or you may be on your phone for hours before you find one. Variable ratio reinforcement is one of the most effective ways to reinforce behavior, and it makes stopping that behavior extremely difficult. Slot machines are a classic example. Because gamblers never know when the next payout will come, they can’t stop pulling the handle. They hold out hope that the next pull will give them the pleasurable sound of coins clanking against a metal bin, and they end up pulling for hours."" The full article is here https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/4/4/17177058/grindr-gay-men-mental-health-psychiatrist There are many articles online about the effects Grindr is having on Gay mens well being and ability to form relationships. Other apps such as Tinder for heterosexual people appear to be having the same effect and work in a very similar manner. I think there has been a study on Tinders effects and possibly one is underway with Grindr users. My partner became obsessed with it checking it from 6am to 11pm. Last year he completely forgot my birthday and it turns out he was on the app all that day. My partners activity records show that he even started using it straight after meeting a men looking for the next hook up. We initially went to Relate but an untrained relationship counselor told me and my partner that ""young gay men like to be promiscuous "", as well as telling him it was ok to have sex for money or fantasize about it. We have been in a relationship for 13 yrs so the comments seemed bizarre to us. We were both shocked at what the counselor said and my partner says he has no intention of meeting any men again or using any apps. When I initially confronted him his response was that he was glad it was over. He is however in denial that he has or had sex addiction and this has been made worse by Relate who told him its all normal. He has no emotional connection with the men and so it is not an affair but this is how he tries to portray it.
  8. I am a gay man and have been in a what I thought was a monogomous relationship for 13yrs. I recently discoverd that my partner had been using the app Grindr for the p[ast 3 years and had met 8 men for BDSM acting out as a masochist. He had been using this app from 6am all day until he went to bed. Last year he completely forgot my birthday and it turned out he was on the app all day. This app destroys lives and is having a detrimental effect on Gay mens mental health and those who might be tempted in gay casual sex. It uses varialbe response ratio techniques which have can have the effect of making people compulsive and addicted.
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