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Ginny

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  1. Thanks for sharing this. It shows that it is not 'just' the sexual acting out behaviour that hurts the partner. It is the lying and covering of tracks that hurts and also gives you a shock. The feeling of being frozen, sounds like you have gone into shock. Your body and mind doesn't know what to do with this new bit of information. It brings up all the old feelings of when you first discovered his sexual acting out behaviour. It is tiring work being the partner of someone in recovery from sex addiction or porn addiction, especially in this time of Covid restrictions. Your usual places to receive self-care and nurture are restricted. I hope the feeling of shock will start to wear off. I have included a link to a blog on how the body deals with shock which I hope can help you: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/how-the-body-is-affected-following-the-discovery-of-sex-or-porn-addiction It is good that he is in therapy and it would be good if he can talk about this situation with his therapist, as it was secretive behaviour and if he discusses it, he can then work out why he did what he did. This can then help for the future and also start to repair the damage he has done in your level of trust with him. Take care Ginny
  2. Dear Badirene, thank you for asking this question. The main purpose of a therapeutic disclosure, is to help the couple draw a line in the sand from the past behaviour and to move forward in their relationship. The disclosure is called therapeutic because it's main purpose is to be one of healing. It does sound like that your partner is not understanding your reason for the therapeutic disclosure to get a timeline clear in your head and also an opportunity for you to ask questions, even if it is him saying "no, there is nothing else to know". Maybe your partner does not fully understand how the therapeutic disclosure is managed. I would suggest he talks to his therapist about his fears and why he is resisting going through the process. Hopefully the therapist can reassure him. This blog explains how the therapeutic disclosure is managed through the Laurel Centre: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--guide-for-couples I also attach a blog, on how couples rebuild their life together. This might be a good discussion point for you both when looking at your relationship : https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--rebuilding-your-life-together I hope the above helps. Kind Regards, Ginny
  3. As one of the Laurel Centre counsellors....I would say....that any counselling is a benefit! I would say counselling is worth the money. You are investing in your relationship and healing from the trauma of discovery of him looking at porn. My hunch from what you have said in this post and previous posts, is that his viewing of porn was opportunity based and only started when he retired. It sounds like the behaviour is not rooted in childhood difficulties or trauma based (which are harder to recover from). So, as the opportunity is now removed (restricting wifi etc) and you are retired (he is no longer on his own) and life is different, his boredom need is no longer there, and hence the desire to look at porn has gone. Couple counselling can help both of you to move forward and see what is good in your relationship as well as heal from this pain you are feeling. Kind Regards, Ginny
  4. Dear Squirrel, I echo what Domino69 said about this is not your fault. It is also hard to realise you can't control it, or cure it. Putting boundaries in place is a good place to start. The blog page for partners gives lots of information and hopefully will help you understand your own feelings and reactions. Last January we started a mini blog series for partners, so worth a read. Here is the first one: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction Take care of yourself Ginny
  5. Dear Fool me once, Paula Hall's book written for the partners has a section about considering children's needs in her chapter "can the relationship survive". It might be worth buying? https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1138776521 All the best Ginny
  6. Hi Dan, our counselling team can help you. Please fill in the form in this link, and the Practice Manager will get in touch with you. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/contact-us. In the meantime, there is a lot of advice on how to start your road to recovery in our blog section - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/categories/addiction-recovery. You can also register to join our short KickStart Workshop. - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/courses/the-kick-start-workshop which starts on 29th January. All the best Ginny
  7. Dear Jay123, thank you so much for sharing your story. I think a Partner Workshop may help you to meet other partners in a similar situation. I note however that you are in the US but highlight the following UK organization's to which there may be others nearer to home. Concerned about the behaviour of another adult? - Stop It Now StopSO Support for Families Online Group » StopSO UK Both these organisations have online forums that you might find helpful in your situation. Certainly, if your therapist is not trained in sex addiction or trauma, then I think an online workshop would be worth investing in, as you have received a trauma and the workshop can start to give you some tools to understand what is going on in your body and mind. In the first instance I draw your attention to our Blog for Partners which you may also find helpful. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Self-care (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) Here are a few testimonies from previous attendees of partner workshops: "I found many aspects of the day to be informative and enlightening because of the content and information. I thought the tutor’s approach and understanding of the subject was really helpful and I thought the way she listened and explained what was going on was compassionate and powerful." "It is very valuable to meet other partners of addicts, to stem the isolation and share experiences" "This course has helped enormously. I’ve found other people who understand me and who I am able to talk to. I’ve learnt to so much from Anita and the group. I feel I can progress and move forward. I feel less isolated." Please know that there are a lot of members on this Forum who have had similar experiences as yourself and please know that your posts are valued.
  8. Dear Scarlett, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear of the pain that you are going through and that you find yourself on this forum. It is incredibly difficult and I hope this forum can be a place to share your thoughts and feelings as well as get support from fellow partners. I am not too sure when you found out but I would suggest looking at the partner section on the blog page which can give you advice on getting through the next few days and weeks. Kind Regards, Ginny
  9. Ginny

    Help!

    Dear Bean86, thank you for sharing part of your story and I am sorry to hear how things are for you at the moment. It was a few days ago when you posted, just wondering how you are doing? Firstly, your partner's behaviour is not your fault. The Laurel Centre blog page has a section purely for partners. There are some good articles in there which helps the partner see that it is not their fault and they did not cause the addiction. It might be worth reading through some of these to help you to shift the blame from yourself as well as give you some tools and ideas on how to support yourself. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/categories/partners All the best Ginny
  10. Dear Firefly, thank you so much for being honest about how hard this lockdown has hit you. Well done in not taking those thoughts further and that you were able to ground yourself in the love that surrounds you. I am glad the blog helped too. Keep safe. Ginny
  11. Dear Natalieb, the Laurel Centre do offer low cost counselling for clients. The counsellors are fully qualified but they are completing the Diploma in Sex Addiction Counselling course, so they need clients to gain client hours in this type of counselling. The counsellors are also trained to work with partners. It might be worth enquiring about that? Ginny
  12. Dear Natalieb, thank you for being brave to share your story. I would suggest that you find a counsellor who is trained in sex addiction and talk this through. There will be reasons why you are unable to confront your partner at this point in time. Talking with a counsellor who understands sex addiction, will be able to also guide through with you your fear of rocking the boat and losing him. My hunch that this fear is rooted in your childhood / attachment figures but I could be wildly wrong! Take care Ginny
  13. Dear Ann, thank you for sharing some of your story. It sounds incredibly difficult and with each revelation of 'slips' it is very painful. Firstly, I don't think you are a fool. The road to recovery for an addict is a hard one but it is also a hard one for the partner being on the receiving end. You cannot control his recovery. He is responsible for his own recovery. But you can put in boundaries for yourself (see this blog for more information on boundary setting https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--rebuilding-your-life). I don't know what his acting out behaviour is, but questions that arise for me regarding your partner's slips are the following: - Does he know what his triggers are? - Does he know why he ended up acting out? - What actions has he put in place to not slip up again? - What are the consequences of slipping ? e.g he will tell you within 12 hours of the slip? rather than you discover the slip. - Do you have a weekly check in to talk about his soberity and your relationship? Having a clearer idea of what actions he is taking to prevent a relapse can both give you a gauge on how he is maintaining his recovery and hopefully to start building trust. Take care Ginny
  14. Hi Sunflower365, thank you for your update. Sorry to hear you are not sleeping and generally feeling rough. I think working out what you want from the relationship will help in deciding what to say when you meet. What boundaries would you like in place to help build trust. Do you plan to keep talking to him until he has done 3 months of therapy? Are you getting any support yourself? e.g. talking to friends / family or a trained sex addiction / porn addiction counsellor? The couples book by Paula Hall is also a good read for you to know what you want out of the relationship. Hope that helps. Ginny
  15. Dear Sunflower, I think you might be right in what you say with regards to letting go of the pain. I often hear of partners say if they have a good time with their addicted love one, they fear that their partner/spouse will think life is okay now and possibly give up keeping up with their recovery or that they are forgiven for all the pain and hurt - that they have been 'let of the hook'. It is quite difficult to explain this to the person in addiction recovery. It can feel like you are walking on a tightrope, trying to balance everything. However, couples do manage to get through this period of pain and find a place of peace. There is a point in time in the relationship that a line is drawn in the sand and the couple move forward but that time frame will be different for each person. The two testimonies on the forum show there is hope. All the best Ginny
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