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tutonofap last won the day on December 11 2018

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  1. tutonofap

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi friends! As we had talked before, your husbands are expecting not to talk more about the past because they are scared and ashamed, they are scared that if they tell you the whole and deep true you will make yourself more damage than healing, so they don't want to see you broke, they don't want to traumatize you more deeply, they had been discovered with just some part of their addiction, and that part had hurt you enough, so trust me, as you believe, there is lot more there, they had done a lot of more things, but you don't need to know everything to heal, you just have to know something... They had done a lot of mistakes involving sex and addiction... Are you ready to forgive him and move to a healing process? They HAVE to work on this, they have to be 100% honest now, seek for help and theraphy, by themself, for themself, if not they don't want to recover or are not prepared yet... So don't look back in the past, look to the present, does is he going to theraphy? does he working on his recovery? is he doing something to heal? If not its time for you to move and separate, if he is working on his recovery is time for you to be there, present and work side by side together... Look to the present and move to the future... There only two ways... Recovery or Divorce... Recovery: you both have to recover, it takes time, effort and strenght, it can takes at least TWO YEARS to really achieve a full and deep recovery, so don't think that this would be a one time session, no it does not, you have to set clear boundaries and move thru them for at lest two years, there you both would had recovered, off course it can take less time, but be prepared, and be prepared for relapses too, with masturbation, with porn, at least, off course NEVER tell your husband, that you will be there if he relapses, but YOU have to be prepared for HIS relapses, it would happen, and IS a part of the healing process, there is no other way. I apollogize if I'm being to honest and it hurts you, but you deserve to know the truth, the real one... THERE IS NOT A FULL RECOVERY WITH NO RELAPSES... They will happen, maybe one, two or more times, but they will happen, be prepared with love, be smart, and strong to accept it, and they will hurt you less. If they don't happen well, you will not suffer and that is awesome... No everyone relapses, no all recovery process takes two years, but if your husband is weak, alone, very stressed, and so other things, they could relapse, and you have to accept it, not to leave him relapse, binge and be enjoying them.... Please, please, please, do this for you... Don't dig on the past, trust me, there is nothing useful there, just suffering, no useful suffering, just useless suffering, so avoid yourself this... Remember this words as your mojo: Accept (present), Forgive (past) and Flow (future). I really recommend "The Work" from Byron Kattie http://thework.com/en there is a lof of ways to make this work, don't waste your money, get the book, the worksheets, and start doing it. I apollogize in name of your husbands, as you are, we had been just victims on this, and is time to broke that victimization... Only the love can heal us (you and us). With all my love and respect, I ask you, please forgive us for not to be as strongest as we could, for not to break this when we could, please forgive us for fail you...
  2. tutonofap

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi friends! First of all I like to tell you that I a man, and a Sex addict for so many years, so I came from the other side of the story, very sadly I had being SA for many years now, at least, 14 years, I don't really know when did this started on my life... So if any of you would like to know something from this point of view, I'm here to answer, off course my story is very different from your partners, but I had scaled very deeply on this addiction, I had being with all kind of sexual partners, girls, granny, shemale, guys, old guys, porn, extreme porn, and a horrible lot of things I had done, exhibitionism in public places like parks, street, or buses, I masturbated a lot of times in front of my mother's wife. And I lost my wife, my partner for 12 years, so I know what painful could be this. With this what I like to tell you is that I deeply know about this addiction, I had been fighting with this since like 6 months now, and had been the worse addiction I had on my life (I was addicted to coca cola, marihuana 14 years - at least 8 joints by day, alcohol) and all of them was a joke compared with SA, this is really painful and horrible addiction... I had not suffered harder and so much with no other thing on life The first question I did myself is: How did I did this to me? How this came into my life? How did I lost my love for myself? And its devasting when you can't find an answer to any of this questions... I see myself on the mirror, and I did not reconized me anymore... I had cried, and wished to die, just to understand. So if any of your husbands could not tell you nothing is not a lie, we can not explain ourselves how all this happend, this is not a choice, this is an addiction that controls you over and over... I'm alone now, with no wife, with no friends, so I try to recover just for myself, no for anybody else, and when I had relapsed, I always say to myself: why did you did it? What f**** happend again? And I can not explain myself nothing... I know a very lot about recovery process, excercises, and all that kind of stuff, I know where my addictions come from, I know my childhood issues, and I'm still struggling with this... Is horrible, but I know that every day I keep fighting is a day won to my recovery... Just for me, just for my own love. So if any of your husbands could not tell you the true, or details you like to know, is because he is ashamed, is because he really loves you... The first question you have to learn to deal with is... Why did he made this to me??? Take yourself out of this question.... Why did he made this??? Do you see the difference? Your husband did not did this to you, he was not trying to damage you, he really loves you, for that reason he stayed there, in your life with you, with your family... Are a victim? YES, you are, you did not deserved this happened, but he did not did this to you, this is not personal... HE DID HIS WORSE MISTAKE EVER and you are now being affected, but it was not about you, it was not about your family, your children, it was not about no one else... It was a VERY DEEPLY MISTAKE, the worse a man can do in his life, and he is suffering as much as you do, trust me about this, he is really suffering, deeply, he likes to die (if he connected to his innerself). So this is not a moral thing, is an addiction thing, we had became addicted to our worse mistake on life and we want to recover from it. Any question you like to ask, I'm here to help, I know what you are living, and let me tell you something, in name of all men on this addiction, I say: we are so sorry to had failed you girls, you did not deserved this, we not deserved either, so please forgive us, trust on us, and help us to recover... We are the first victims on this hell and we need help! For you all: -Your story is different to anyone else story's so just learn what you can and move on to deal with your very specific life. -You are not forced to stay with your partner, if you feel that you have to leave him, if that is your healthy way now, do it, move on and forget about him. -If you are, your family or kids are in any kind of risk, run for help, call the police or any legal department you considered. -If your husband is really committed to recover, and you can, support him, if not move on and leave him alone. All my love and respect! Have a wonderful new year!
  3. tutonofap

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    Hi Distraught81! and members... Well this seems to be a really hard thing for anyone to go thru it, so first of all I wish you are fine and remember that your children needs you a lot right now, also you need take care of you so not to loose the control. For security reasons I will recommend that ask your husband to move to other place, he could become anger and agressive so you or your children could be in any kind of risk, so ask for professional help in order to know how to proceed, and you have to be fastest as you can to protect yourself and your children. About your divorce it is not important what anyone else thinks about it... The more dangerous emotions related to sex addiction are shame and fear, so you have to move far away of them. Maybe you can call to any official phone service to ask for phiscological assistance over the phone, trust your gut, it will never fail... Do whatever you do, remember: This is not about yourself, this is his struggle and sometimes you have to move away and let him to resolve it alone. We are here to support you so write whatever you feel, break your fear, break your silence, break your shame and take your life back. A great hug for you!
  4. tutonofap

    Any online support group for partners?

    Hi Kate! I hope you are very well! This are some online forums you can write in: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php / http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php / https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/ ll they have sections for partners. I also recommend you the book "Porn Addict's Wife" by Sandy Brown https://amzn.to/2QqVrkA it has a lot to know about this matter and for your husband this is a very good book "Porn Addiction Cure" by Matt Peplinski https://amzn.to/2PaHgeP it is one of the better books I had found, it also has an online course you can buy with this coupon https://www.udemy.com/sexual-addiction-recovery/?couponCode=BOOKOWNER1 for $9.99 and get the book for free when you are in the course. I imagine you already know about yourbrainonporn.com by Gary Wilson. The book of Sandy Brown would be a great resource for you I hope!
  5. tutonofap

    Multiple cross addiction? Any hope?

    I was addicted to marihuana for 14 years, to alcohol for some other years and to porn for almost 26 years (since I had ten) so I can tell you that multiple addictions are common, maybe not usual, but well some of we had been addicted wothout know about it... For me my life was normal as all my friends are addicted too, so 1 year ago I had told you that I was a happy normal person, so maybe your husband is someone like me, work in yourself, and let him work on himself, keep with him until you can, start talking with love, and try to understand where his addictions live so he can understand what is going on.... As Christine told you this is his live and he has to work on his therapy for himself first... Take care on you, and support him as much as you can, but don´t leave this that ruin your life as well, go a step by step, one day at a time, love for you and for him. You will win this fight!
  6. tutonofap

    Restarted masturbation

    Kate 2018 Thank you so much for your support, is so valuable for me, I had relapsed some times this past week, with PMO so I'm restarting on Hard Mode again, I'm on my 5° day again, the urges had been so hard and difficult to control, but I feel so well because I'm going again, it is hard but it is achievable, so I will go again... I do a lot of things to control the urges, also I lost my wife for my addiction so I'm alonte on this with this, I have some friends that are supporting me, but anyway this is a problem I have to win alone, nobody excepts me can do nothing, so I will win my 90 days on sobriety this time. I really appreciate your help! You are a great person, please never leave alone to your husband, give him your support as you are doing, this is the worse addiction I had fought with, recovery is not easy, but is achievable, so you husband is very, very lucky having you there, what you do is a great action of love and compassion. If any time you want to ask me something or just talk about this, please feel free to contact me, would be a pleasure to talk and share whatever you want to know in order to support your husband... So let's keep going with this!
  7. Hi friends! I had being trying to recover alone so I have not money to pay for a professional treatment and also there is not a 12 step program near my city, so I'm doing what I can, my longest streak was 62 days on hard mode (no sex, orgasm, ejaculation, porn or masturbation) after that time I started to feel very depressed and frustrated, so I decided to give a try to conscious masturbation (masturbation with no porn, fantasies, or any other stimuli, just physical sensations) so in november I had just masturbated two times with conscious masturbation to orgasm) but Im trying to reach 90 days in hard mode again, but I had a hard time passing from 10 days, basically every 10 days I had masturbated, so its very fine, there is no porn, no false stimuli, just physical sensations, but I'm afraid of a more serious relapse, I found that masturbation is one of my hardest addictions. So what can I do to start abstaining again? Usually I feel fine, but I had just did a masturbation some hour ago and now I'm feeling bad and guilty. Thank you for your help and time