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Everything posted by Carrie

  1. Carrie

    Confused, angry, hurt, upset!

    Please, please, please get that book out there. It is very much needed. There is so little out there for us. No I agree, I don’t think I’m there. When he engaged in therapy and made good progress to recovery I got my own therapy and started moving on. I did talk about it less and less and we rebuilt a lot of our relationship, we were both doing well and making good progress until he replaced. Now we’re back at the start but I don’t think that’s my trauma, I think that’s the relapse. I think your completely right and that’s why I’m stuck. I hadn’t thought it like that but ultimatums that I’m willing to stick to may be my only option. Possibly I give him the benefit of the doubt and state that if he relapses again that he goes into therapy or the marriage is over. If he doesn’t relapse then great, we continue to work on our marriage and I apologise for doubting him. If he does relapse then I know he can’t do it alone and if he’s unwilling to get help then I know it will happen over and over, which pretty much means our marriage is over and I follow through with the ultimatum. Thank you very much for the advice and listening to me. Best of luck with your new book.
  2. Hi everyone, To cut a very long story short my husband has a sex addiction. He did mastubate to porn about 4-5 times weekly (to relieve feelings of stress, anger, upset - never really for sexual desire) and used online apps and sites to chat to women, obtain pics/videos etc. Often he was verbally abusive to these women also, insulting the way they looked. When this all came out we had some counselling and realised he’d experienced a traumatic childhood. Physical abuse by a step father, enmeshment by a narcistic mother who controlled him. He was left with very low self esteem and confidence and used porn/sex addiction to make himself feel better. He tended to act out following contact with his mother who often belittles, controls, guilt trips and manipulated him. Following counselling he was going to do work on his past and try and recover. He didn’t do this but he did manage to refrain from acting out for 4 months. Recently he became low in mood and verbally abusive to myself (he tends to do this before acting out) and he replapsed. He promised this time he would get help but 4 weeks on he is yet to engage in therapy as he feels he now has it under control. I know he doesn’t. The wounds of his childhood are still there and I know without dealing with these underlying issues he will relapse again. He won’t listen to me. I have and am reading everything I can get my hands on, learning as much as I can in an attempt to help him but without him engaging I know it’s useless. I feel like I’m sat here waiting for him to mess up again one time too many so I can leave, I don’t want to leave but I can’t spend my life waiting for him to deal with this. It’s driving me crazy. I almost wish it was me with the addiction as he’s far less motivated to fix it. Im struggling so much with anger. Anger towards his family for causing it, anger towards him for not stepping up and taking some control and I’m fast losing respect for him. I feel like it has taken over our lives and I can’t remmember the last time I felt happy or content. I’m always reading/thinking/observing his mood. I feel like I’m going crazy and he’s slowing breaking me down. I’m not sure why I’m writing this or what I think any of you can say to help but I’ve nowhere else to turn. I guess I’m wondering if he’s a lost cause? If anyone truly recovers? What I can do to help him realise he needs help? Thanks for the ear x
  3. Carrie

    Confused, angry, hurt, upset!

    Hi Outofwishes, Thanks for the reply. Yes a lot of what I read either states that I should leave or that I should be understanding to his hurt. Nothing really talks about staying and managing my own hurt. I realise he needs support and understand but feel support and understanding for partners is lacking. I feel completely alone, isolated and lost. I have only told one friend as I know the rest will not be supportive. Where has your wife accessed support from? Yhanks, Carrie.
  4. Carrie

    Confused, angry, hurt, upset!

    Hi Joshua, Firstly thank you so much for your reply. I’m really glad your still in recovery and your life is better for yourself and your family. Yes that exactly it, he only some of the work. I think your exactly right, the way he treated those women was his way at hitting back at women for his own abuse and his way of feeling he had some control. I try so hard not to be angry at him. I 100% realise this was not his fault and he didn’t ask to be raised as he was but I can’t help but feel angry at him for not trying his absolute best to fix the problem. He currently thinks he is “cured” now he knows why he did it and he is still refusing any more therapy. He also thinks that I should be moving on and should stop “nagging” him about it, asking him to go to therapy, I completely understand what your saying about me making it difficult for him to be open and honest with me but I know I’m my heart that without addressing the problem he will fall back into old habits. I just wish he would engage in with me and in therapy. Any tips on how to help him see that he needs help? I will try and look for ypur book book on Amazon. Thanks again for taking the time to reply. Carrie