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About Ruby

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  1. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi. We are on the brink of a therapeutic disclosure process. At long last. I’ve written scores of questions but I’m damned sure I won’t get answers to all of them. We are still trying to make it work but something has definitely died in me as far as the marriage is concerned. I’m not sure if we will get through it and maybe once I know the truth I won’t want to go on. It’s taken 7 months to get here and it’s been a dreadful 7 months all in all. I also feel the counselling he’s getting which isn’t with a specialist SA counsellor isn’t really helping us. It’s addressing some of the reasons he says are responsible for his devastating activities but it’s no where near helping us. Can’t help thinking that’s not right. It seems to be widening the gulf not trying to resolve it.
  2. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi Ter You asked if I was in the UK or the US? I am in the UK. I just wondered how you were doing ? Are you still in the fog you talked about and have you managed to come to terms with the question of "how could he do this if he loved me?" Im still struggling with that one big time!
  3. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    I have been trying to move forward, hence not writing on here for a few weeks. But then it all comes crashing back. I am having counselling in and its helping to learn to be me. I have made only one strong decision - with the help of the counsellor - and that's to no longer tolerate his outbursts, his childish behaviour and self-indulgent self pity and playing the victim routine. If I don't like something he says or does now, I say so, politely calmly firmly and then walk away. So that's a small but important step. But how do I begin to rebuild and have faith when it's impossible to have a meaningful conversation with him? How can I put any trust or effort into rebuilding a marriage when I don't know if the truth of what he's done will bring it all crashing down again and wreck it for a second time? I don't think I could go through that again - I don't have the emotional strength or will. I have avoided asking for details of his horrendous past activities as that's a complete non-starter; instead I have tried to ask about triggers, about what changes he is making to his life and outlook to stop him going back to his old ways. Even that results in angry defensive comments and him making totally inappropriate accusations and comments. You see, to me, if I cant see what he is doing to be different - in thought and deed, how do I know he is? Agreed, he is more pleasant and trying to be more appeasing and congenial which is good and welcomed. But fundamentally, he wont talk about what he's done and how and its been going on for so long and nor will he talk about what he's doing to stop it happening ever again. He says telling me even the tiny, but devastating details he has is a huge relief for me and he wants to move forward and rebuild. Its almost like he feels as if now he's admitted it in principal and is going for counselling to address the trauma of the childhood abuse, it's all ok. Don't need to talk about the detail, lets just move on. I do want to move on and try to rebuild but not like this. How can you rebuild a marriage when you've no idea of the foundations you're building on? Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do please? And has it worked?
  4. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Thank you Ter and Pippa. I’m sorry to realise so many other women are suffering, albeit in different ways. Your thoughts and advice are really helpful. I’m going to start counselling this week as I know I can’t get through it alone I too am raging and feeling a deep grief I think for the loss of the husband I thought I’d had for 20 years. A person is still there in front of me who looks like my husband but isn’t really is he? I think the one big thought I can’t get round is why would someone who supposedly loved me, write his own beautiful marriage vows, is the father of our children, would deceive and betray us in such a devastating way? I have disliked people over the years and at times briefly wished them ill but never ever have I wanted to wreak such damage and harm. Has anyone else managed to come to terms with that ?
  5. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m beginning to realise I’m not alone in this horror and I’m so saddened to hear of others experiences. You sound incredibly strong and brave and I only hope I can get there. I need the disclosure to know that there is no more to the horror of all this. I appreciate what you’re saying and understand it. Maybe I’ll feel like that in time but now his refusal to share and answer my questions is just pushing me farther away from him as I wonder what else he’s done and what sort of a person I’m really married to.
  6. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Thank you very much Vava for your kind words. How did you decide what was right to know and what wasn't? I am feeling that having little ort no knowledge is killing me. I imagine so much and feel even more anxious when he refuses to talk more. How long have you been trying to recover as it were?
  7. How and where do you begin to even comprehend the horror and utter devastation of finding out the man you've been with for 20 years has been having encounters with men during all of that time? I have never ever written on a forum before but I am in so much pain - or at least swinging between pain and intense anger - that I am hoping someone can understand a little of what I am going through. I guess I'm reaching out to ask, has this happened to anyone else and how di/are you coping? I had absolutely no idea he was doing this and he did not suddenly confess. It gets worse.....one of our children saw an app called Grindr I think, on his phone and confronted me about it. I didn't even know what it was never mind why it was on his phone! Needless to say they are now reeling as much as I am although I haven't actually confirmed what he has been doing to them. I don't have the words and don't believe they deserve to have the burden of knowing they have a father that has done this. He is having counselling and his counsellor told him to recommend to me I read books about being a partner of a sex addict. That was another blow because when it first came to light what he'd been doing he said it was related to a very short spell of childhood abuse and what the male abuser had instilled into him. He says its only ever been masturbation with other men.....not sure whether that's supposed to make me feel better or not. I've read a couple of very good books for partners of sex addicts but many seem to feature men who are addicted to sex with other women or look at pornography involving women. Now my husband refuses to talk any more about it. He claims his counsellor has told him that further disclosure will only hurt me even more and its time to move ahead. His counselling seems to be focussing on the trauma caused by the abuse which I appreciate is much needed and very good for him. However I cant even begin to think about 'moving ahead' until I know all of what he did. I feel as if I am on shifting sands, a place of dark shadows where every tiny shred of new information sets me right back - I've already realised he's told me one or two lies during the very basic disclosure he did give. We see to be at an impasse. He wont talk any more about it and says we should focus on rebuilding the marriage and not look backwards as its destructive. I cant move forwards when there is still so much I need to know before I can even think about forgiving him or trusting him