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May

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May last won the day on November 6 2018

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  1. Hi both, As someone who found out my partner was a porn and sex addict nearly 7 months ago now I just wanted to say I totally understand how you're feeling and have been/go through the same emotions. I can't say my advice is right but just wanted to share some things I've found to be helpful in case it helps you too. I haven't made any decisions about my relationship either way yet but I'm focussing on my own self care and giving myself time. Triggers, upsets, arguments will come out of nowhere and floor you emotionally, but looking after yourself at other times can help you deal with these times and recover from them more quickly. Do whatever you need to do to take pressure and expectations off yourself, give yourself some space. For me at the moment that's wanting more time apart and not going to family functions where I have to pretend everything is fine (only some of his family know our situation). You also need to see from your partner that he's willing to work on himself by going to therapy, and on the relationship, by learning about the partner's experience, recognising the importance of couples counselling etc. Frustratingly it will take time for the latter, but don't put yourselves through all this if he's not willing to work on himself or the relationship. With regards to sex and intimacy it's not something I've been able to give much thought to... we're just not there yet. He clearly has a lot to work through and I don't know how this will all end up for us. But it is important, as you are doing, Nicola, to work out what you want and value in that domain. You'll have to decide if you're willing to wait the time it may take your partner to be in anywhere like the same place as you are when it comes to being able to have an intimate relationship, and if you want to take the risk of finding out how long that will take and if you'll be on a similar page when you get there. Wait if you feel it's the right thing to do but don't sacrifice yourself and your right to a loving, honest relationship too much xx
  2. Hi Kate, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. As another partner of a sex addict I can absolutely sympathise with your need to search and your confusion. Non-committal answers are never satisfying and do little to build trust. I don't know technically whether that email contact could have saved but it could be possible. I've been down all sorts of digital rabbit holes and never quite got to the bottom of things (e.g. dating apps showing up on his Google Play account history, but no evidence of ever having been downloaded onto his most recent phone at least, and he doesn't remember ever downloading them). My therapist suggested there could also be a certain level of amnesia in simply not remembering his actions at the height of his addiction. Only last week did I unearth a conversation with a camgirl that was a year old, when we both thought we'd been through all his history and accounts with a fine-toothed comb, and he didn't remember using his personal email account for such activities. Anyway what I'm saying is, unfortunately you may never get a satisfying answer to the issue with the email contacts. I think all you can do is try and find the things that are meant to rebuild trust. My partner and I are working towards a therapeutic disclosure (have you read Paula Hall's book for partners?). Even then I don't know if I'll feel satisfied that I've had the truth. I'm as impatient as ever to have all my questions answered, but I know I have to be patient because I need to know my partner has had enough therapy and got far enough along with his own recovery to understand why disclosure and honesty is so important.
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