Hi, im new here and after reading many posts i thought it would be a good idea to document my daily battles with this addiction and how i am dealing with it. i will be using this thread as a form of motivation for myself as well as others. my thoughts are that by posting my battle on here, it will give me an added push to not fail for those reading it. i will be 100% truthful, this will also be useful to me as i am too embarressed to talk about this with anyone, my partner, friends, family, dr etc. this is a lonely battle for me of which ive carried around with me for a very long time., pouring my thoughts out to here is my way of getting it out. i will try to be as succint as possible with all my posts, but this part may be long as it is where i 'think' my addiction came from, i will be leaving out as much as possible still, only posting parts of most importance. From an early age (i forget how old, maybe 5) i was made aware that my brother had died, and that it had been decided by my parents that they would not be having anymore children. i was too young to of known him, so i felt no loss but over the years i was made aware slowly of how traumatic this was for my parents. being an only child didnt bother me at first but over the years it did start to make me sad. a deeply traumatic experience was heading my way, my mother and father started to go on nights out drinking a few years after the death of my brother, and would leave me to be looked after by my mothers friends children. this was at first the daughter who was great, but then the brother who was not very nice. we shared a double bed one night where he proceeded to try and get me to perform sexual acts. this was just talk, but he was trying to get into my head saying that 'this is norma', 'everyone does it' etc. this had the effect of leaving me very scared and confused. i kept this to myself, maybe if id had a brother....? who knows, i could of spoken to him. i did however, due to fear tell my mother and her friend that i would prefer the daughter to look after me. this did happen the next time but after waking early in the morning i decided to walk around the house as i was bored. i must of woken the brother who ran into the room i was in out of nowhere and pushed me down onto the settee. he then proceeded to rub himself up against my body until the inevitable happened...i can remember feeling horrific after this happened and struggled to process it. also, i felt completly on my own in a strange house with no one to come and rescue me. again, i kept this to myself, only stating a further time that i did not ever want to stop there again. i never did stop there again, but the nights out continued and a different person was used to look after me who thankfully was brilliant. i will state, as much as i have issues with my parents, i was generally well looked after and any timei mentioned that i didnt want something to happen, i was listened too. Another similar incident occured when i was around 7/8 ish with a friend, who one day invited me to his house to look at his star wars toys. this was a ploy to get me into his room where he began asking me to perform acts on him. i managed to get out after what seemed like hours without anything physical happening, but again i was left feeling extremely confused and lonely. i did not tell anyone what had happened. i loved my mum and dad as any young child does, but one morning i walked into my parents bedroom (my father was away at the time), to find another man in my mums bed. my mum tried to push me out quickly as she was by the door but because of how a mirror was placed i was able to see what was around the corner. looking back i think i started to act numb, not knowing what do with what was happening around me. i feel this is where i started to try and block things out. i did not tell anyone what i had seen. over the years i encountered more things of which i was made to feel 'a little bit unloved'. my mother and father didnt have great upbringings and i feel this is why i feel they behaved as they did, so i get that its not really their fault. as mentioned previously, i was generally looked after well, the one thing missing was love. they then spilt up and my father moved away, which meant only occasional visits from then on. my mum proceeded to bring a different man home reguarly. this was very hard to deal with, as i just wanted my mum and dad back again. from an early age of being left alone whilst they went out and without anyone around i began to masterbate after encountering pictures. i must of been around 9/10 years old and i have had an unhealthy obsession with it ever since. The longest i have managed to go without is 3 weeks and i am now 40 years old. i realised 100% that i had a problem in 2004, i have been trying to stop since then. i have also been with 2 prostitutes from when i was about 19 but never since. it has caused me so many problems over the years, for example, after acting out my mood drops, i become depressed, withdrawn, angry etc. it is a massive issue for me, writing this already makes me feel better though as i have hidden this all my life, so here goes.... this is day1.