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About Phil

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  1. Phil

    New Here, My Story

    Thanks Rob for your detailed reply. It does help a lot just sharing this with people who understand. I need to give a lot more thought to how to proceed from here and your advice will be invaluable. I'm sorry you had such a tough time. It's funny, why is such shame attached to something so many of us do? All to do with societal norms I guess, a whole other story!
  2. Hi. I've read through some of the stories here and it's so sad reading what these addictions can do to people's lives. Thanks so much to the wonderful people who have started this service. I am hoping that by posting my story it will help me understand my situation better and, a trouble shared is a trouble halved as they say. If there is any way I can help others I'd like to. I have used porn since around the age of 12, graduating from borrowing my Dad's magazines (they were never hidden away but they would always go back in the same position as I would have been so embarrassed) to buying my own , then of course the internet. I have never seen it as an addiction or really a problem, more something I do, whether in or out of a relationship. It's a great stress buster, an escape from reality, though I have done it whether reality has been good or bad.. Some here have said it has made them view women as sex objects. I have never seen it that way, I have the greatest respect for women and deplore violence of any kind. The only porn I like is that where the woman is clearly enjoying it, preferably home made rather than because she is being paid. I could never pay for sex. I can use up to 6 times a day but unlike others have never found it to cause problems with sex with my long term partner other than perhaps wishing for certain things she may not be into. I feel however that those are desires naturally in me rather than brought about by what I view. I think loneliness has a lot to do with it. I have lots of 'friends' but nobody close other than my partner of many years, not even family. She has known I have used porn but we don't really discuss it. Porn doesn't interest her. I sometimes wish it did. Our sex life is good and frequent so why I have to do anything else is something I have never really understood, I just have strong urges to do so. These urges come whenever I am alone. I am a nice person who would never want to hurt anybody and anybody knowing me would probably be shocked. I work on my own as a plumber and I know it's wrong but if the house is empty I will sometimes use my phone. I have always seen this as harmless although I'm sure the owners would be horrified. It is simply because that is where I happen to be alone in private and the urge takes over.. I would never violate their property in any way and am very respectful, I wouldn't even sit in a chair and certainly not a bed, it's just a thing between me and what I am viewing. This brings me to my current worry which is eating me up. I am convinced a customer heard me recently. I thought the house was empty but I'm now doubtful it was. I feel so ashamed. I am so terrified this will be all over town and could destroy everything, all for a stupid ten minutes in my tea break. Can you imagine what other clients will think, knowing they have left me in their home in the past? All sorts of scenarios would go through their heads, all wrong but of course the imagination will run riot. Now, every time I see somebody I wonder if they know. I am becoming paranoid and it's eating me up. I'm getting panic attacks and it's horrible. I'm praying I was wrong. A word of advice if anybody else does this. Stop now, the heartache isn't worth it.