Louise1987

There is such a sense of familiarity if not in all your stories but certainly the feelings you are all struggling with. I found out about my husbands porn addiction 18months ago. Only after he broke down admitting to being depressed and having suicidal thoughts. He immediately vowed to stop and did initially . I found out 3 weeks ago that he had lapsed potentially as long ago as April last year and has again been lying and deceiving me. Even at times making me feel crazy for questioning. He's back on the wagon again and here we are at the start of the journey again. We've been married for 7 years and he has suffered with varying severity of ED throughout. It became clear within days of his first admission that porn had been the reason for this. It's hard to know whether he genuinely believed this not to be the case as he told me. I have told him this time that I will not leave him for a slip up but that I will if he lies to me again. He's got an appointment with a specialist and is doing 90 day reboot as they call it. Much like others have said my husband is the sweetest most doting husband you could ask for. That almost makes it more difficult. I really want to stay by his side through this as I feel he deserves that much from me. Plus I love him. I really do doubt whether I have the strength to do that. It may be a cliche but it's like living in a house build on sand. I want to believe he can do it but the fact I have zero trust in anything he says makes it difficult to believe. I know this won't be a quick fix and I'm prepared for that. The thought of getting another 18months down the line to find out I've been lied to again makes my chest feel tight and the room spin. Ive read enough information to know that it's not because I'm not enough. Knowing it in fact and feeling it are unfortunately 2 different things. At the minute my life just feels so unsure. My life and future are in the hands of a person that I don't trust and that is a scary prospect. I look on at a broken man who hates himself more than anyone else ever will. For his sake and mine I hope he has the strength and determination to get through this. Thanks for listening