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About Janey36

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  1. Janey36

    Telling grown up children about SA?

    How sorry I am to hear of yet another poor partner suffering. Similar story here. Married 36 years, found out the full horror of what has been going on for the past 36 years in December. I have adult children, all girls, none at home. I told them of their fathers behaviour. I refused to be complicit in a lie. All acted differently. All dealt with this news differently. They are adults ranging from 26 to 34 and they are not stupid. One was even surprised that I had been so slow to notice..... Tell them the facts. Hard I know but while telling them try to keep any anger or emotion out of it. There will be plenty of time for more in depth chats with them after they, themselves, have had time to think about what they have learned. It would be better coming from him. My husband said he would but didn't, so I did. They have been very supportive to both of us. Tho as their father is making less and less effort to kick this habit they are making less effort with him. Janey
  2. Janey36

    No improvement

    The husband is having counselling. Well he has had 3 sessions in the last three months, 45 mins a time. I shouldn't be surprised that nothing has changed. He started off full of enthusiasm, and for a few weeks never looked at porn. I knew without checking his computer when it started again. Just like all partners in this situation, once you know you can see when they have fallen again. I don't see how 45 mins a month and reading a book can really make a difference on a more permanent level. I appreciate that an addict has to want to overcome their addiction but I really don't see how it can happen without some sort of ongoing help and support from a professional. He was also told that he could call and make his next appointment when he was ready.........that's the kiss of doom. I can see no way out of this, no change, just the next few years of my life lost in a haze of lies and pretence. My children are grown and now have their own children. Its just him and me. When my children were born I made a silent promise to each that I would never voluntarily leave them and I never would have done. I made no such promise to the grandchildren. I am heartbroken, alone, and lost.
  3. Thanks Anon, its good to hear that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and its not just an express train coming straight for me! You are so right about the good advice to 'take care of yourself' and I am trying to do that. We've been together 39 years and married for 36. I discovered his 'addiction' at the beginning of December tho I know that he has been sexting a colleague before and watched porn. I thought it had been going on for about 14 years off and on. When he got found out this time I believe he thought that he could carry on after placating me for a few weeks. He soon knew I was serious about divorce and then started taking HIS problem seriously. I'm not sure that monthly counselling sessions are quite enough though. When I asked him how long the porn thing had been going on for I was shocked when he said for most of our marriage! At the moment I'm hanging in there. Still couldn't tell you if I'll be here this time next year or not. One day at a time!
  4. Hi Casey I am so sorry to hear your story. You will find many similar stories on here, including my own. You have a tough road ahead of you whatever you decide to do. I would just like to say that what ever decision you make, make it for you and not for 'James'. He has his own battles to fight. You need to put yourself first. Look around on this site and try and connect with as many others as you feel able. Everyone here has a story to tell and all pretty much like yours. The helpful thing is to read how others have reacted to this destruction of their life by someone they loved and how they are facing it. You are not on your own here, Casey, you will find lots of support, but any decision you make will be your own. Hang in there.
  5. Vava You are not alone, you don't have to face this without others who understand how you're feeling even if we don't all understand the dynamics of addiction. This is a good place to find support, have a rant or just see that there is always someone in a similar situation to your own that have managed to find a coping mechanism or even turn their lives around. You hang in there.
  6. Hi Vicky Hows things? Silly question really, I know, but hoping for a positive reply just the same. Its so difficult to cope which ever way you go, isn't it. There's you and others in a similar position where you have left or the partner has left and you feel so utterly alone. Then there's those like me who are still sharing the same roof and yet find it equally as hard being in the same room as this person who you loved so much and has destroyed so much of your faith in people. Things have settled a little here after an explosive half hour from me last week. Tension build up I guess. Trouble is I still feel the same as I did weeks ago, still don't see a future together but trying to see this as a type of mental illness. The husband on the other hand, says hes avoided all contact and not watched any porn for the last 3 weeks. I'm inclined to believe him but not inclined to believe that he wont in the future. He talks about our planned holiday in May and asks if I want to go and see some comic or other in June......its like he knows hes done wrong and is trying to make it right but doesn't seem to understand that there is no quick fix. Its like he thinks that now he has admitted his problems and stopped that everything is okay now. Even if he never looks at porn again, never meets up with a prostitute again its never going to be okay again. I was very interested to read PJs response and so glad to see that there can be light at the end of the tunnel for both himself and his wife. I do love my husband and am broken hearted that this has happened, but its the loss of trust I feel so strongly about most of all. Even if he did stay clean for the rest of his life, how would I know? I'm rambling now, so I shall say fare well and talk again soon. Lets us know how you're getting on Vicky.
  7. You haven't let him down, Vicky, and I doubt very much that he sees it that way either. So please don't add that particular burden to your heavy load. My husband is totally wracked with guilt and I think that I should be supportive of him as I have been in the past thru a couple of serious illnesses......but I don't have the strength at the moment. He has bought this down on us all, he has his therapist and support, he can fight this battle alone, for now at least, tho maybe for ever. We still share our home, Vicky, he still works and unfortunately from home half the time, but I don't work. There is no conversation just the 'have you feed the dog' and 'do you want anything to drink' type thing. Its good to have people on here to talk to because I don't have to explain myself. You already know why I can't look at him, or talk to him. I have a trip away with number 2 daughter next weekend, which I am looking forward to, its been planned for a while. Then in Feb am off to London to stay with number 3 daughter, even tho she will be at work during the day.......its London, I shall find plenty to do to entertain (and distract ) myself! Meanwhile, here in my home town is number 1 daughter and their 2 sons. I am very lucky to have 1 of the 3 close by. I urge you to accept any invitations that come your way from family and friends. Anything is better than sitting at home and staring at the walls or the TV, which I seem to do a lot of. I don't want to go out and walk the dog or go to the shop. I don't want to bump into any neighbours or friends who will ask how I am or ask after the family. I don't want to have to lie about having a good Christmas, when in truth it was the most heart breaking time. Hang in there ladies...........
  8. Poor you, Vicky. I do truly feel so sorry for you. There seems to be so many of us in this situation. I made this discovery just a few weeks ago and, like you, am on an emotional roller coaster. My husband of 36 years has been seeing sex workers for about the last 14 years. The porn addiction I believe to be much more recent. I have told out 3 daughters the situation and I know I would have their support if I do go ahead and divorce him, which I what I want to do today, but maybe I wont want to tomorrow, this is how it goes as I am sure you know. I have read others stories on here and they all pretty much say the same thing about giving YOURSELF time. This discovery is, to me anyway, very much like a bereavement and after such an event one is usually advised not to make any immediate and permanent changes. He has just started counselling and if he does overcome his addictions I still don't think I will want to remain with him. The secrets and lies have destroyed so much, there will never be trust again. The treasured memories of the last 14 years , a daughters wedding, anothers graduation, the birth of grand children all these are now tainted by his actions. To you, Vicky, I would say stay away from him ( I get the impression that you are currently living apart). Let him fight his battle while you get on and fight your own battles. You are a strong woman. You had the courage to tell family and friends, I certainly don't besides my daughters, you had the courage to step away and stand lone. I haven't. Now you have given yourself some space, give yourself some time. Make the next few days and weeks about you. Scream, shout, rant, cry but do not bottle up your emotions. If you feel unable to do this with family or friends , do it on here, rant to me. I will always listen, I KNOW what youre going thru. If none of those options appeal, then write yourself an email or a letter. Banging away at the keyboard as you spill out your feelings is quite therapeutic! From one sad, broken lost soul to another, Vicky, you are not alone. Take care.
  9. Janey36

    Looking for understanding

    Hi Anon123, Alys, K65 and especially Cowslip who answered my recent post which lead me here. How are you all doing? I am where you were 6 months ago. Feeling that sense of loss, devastation, heartbreak, anger and foolishness. I feel selfish for saying that its good to know that I am not the only one in this situation, but I do so wish that none of you and the many others out there didn't have to face this at all. My husband is attending his first counselling session this evening, I am sure this is a good thing for him and applaud him for making this effort. But in my heart I know that I will never be able to trust him again to be honest or truthful about his behaviour. I will never know the full extent of his actions, the number of girls he saw the amount of times he saw them or spent with them at the expense of his wife and 3 daughters. Due in great part to my upbringing I have a real problem him lies and the people who tell them. Not the everyday lies, where you tell someone they are looking good after their recent illness or that the Jolly Man in Red wont visit on Christmas Eve if youre naughty, but the ones that hurt and can be life changing. My husband knew about this from the early days of our relationship, so going back nearly 40 years. I also made it very clear before we married that if he ever had a fling let alone an affair I would divorce him in a heartbeat. Yet knowing all this he still carried on like some single 25 year old. Now he is 'heart broken' that I don't want to be with him........yet he hasn't really made any effort to part of our family for so many years. I'm sure he thinks that its ok to see prostitutes and watch porn because that's not having an affair, is it? I saw somewhere on here another person wrote this as her mantra....I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. Its kind of comforting in a way. Thank you to all of you who have shared your story and helped me get some prospective.
  10. Janey36

    No compassion, no nothing

    My story is so similar to others I have read here over the past few weeks. 36 years of marriage, now to discover that my husband has been visiting prostitutes and claims to have a porn addiction. These things I found out quite by chance and until I showed him my evidence he just kept denying everything. I believe this behaviour has been going on for the last 14 years at least and escalating. He is, supposedly, starting counselling this week. I say supposedly because I only have his word for it , he could tell me that's where hes going or that's where hes been, but how would I know, do I get a report card from his counsellor........ lets face it, the man is a deceitful liar who has broken my heart, destroyed our marriage and seriously damaged his relationship with one of our daughters. His actions have appalled me. The girl he has been paying recently is 4 years younger than our youngest child! I find that I have absolutely no compassion for him whatsoever and wish only to divorce him, never to have to lay eyes on him again. He says that he is broken and broken hearted too. As far as I am concerned that's only because he got caught. I have read many stories on here from loving and tolerant partners going above and beyond to help their other halves overcome their addictions. But, you know, I'm not sure that I can do this. I wont ever trust him again, I don't have any respect for him, no compassion for his problem. I can't bare the sound of his voice or the sight of his face, yet I have loved him so much and for so long. I tell myself that I am 'in shock', to give myself time, to try to understand. My husband is being as nice as pie, thoughtful and helpful and kind. He wont talk to me about any of it tho. Its this giant elephant sitting in the corner. My daughter asked how I was doing the other day, I told her my mood changed ten times a day from feeling euphoric to wanting to sit under the table and cry! At 62 years old I am preparing to spend the rest of my life alone, and I'm sad about this. Which, from what I've read on here is not the right attitude, it should be all about him and his recovery. The damage is done and can't be undone and quite frankly I dont care whether he 'recovers' or not.