Joy

The title of this thread is really where I feel I am at, at the moment. I am really lost and don't know what to do. @Rob, I really appreciated what you wrote there, it is interesting to get a perspective that is not the partner. @Chris, you have hit the nail on the head with do more than apologise I need to air out how I feel here because part of me worries that I am doing something wrong. I think my husband feels he doesn't need to keep apologising because he apologised already. But anyway its not just about apologising anyway, I have said all the things you listed in your quote already. And he always responds by saying what do you mean? How can I be more empathetic? What do I need to do? Just tell me. So I say things like, listen when I cry, and talk, and don't get defensive. Or understand it's hard for me to be physically close. Or understand I can't be around your mother because she doesn't think you've done anything wrong and it upset me that she felt so confident to say that. And his response is, well I told you already I'm sorry, and I don't push you for sex so you should be happy. Then he'll say but I do want to have sex and I'm unhappy we have no physical relationship. He'll say I don't push you to spend time with my mother, but I want you to and I want you to know she has a right to be upset with you because you've pushed her away in the past, or when you were upset you didn't even say hello to her. So you need to realise you're wrong too. @Claire It's been a while since you posted and I don't know if things in your situation improved. I feel I can relate to some of what you say. And was almost relieved at what you wrote. Can I ask if anything has improved? I understand your feelings about your two sons, I know everyones situation is different, but ultimately if you are happy and fulfilled you're giving the best for your children, when you are not it's much harder. We are all a better version of ourselves when we are happy within. If you are also able to be this way and be in the relationship then it's worth exploring but sounds like you have done a lot? I feel almost the same, I feel I have tried, I have been patient with recovery, I was patient with disclosure, I rooted for him I still do even though the whole time this has been heartbreaking. I took a step back in the early days of recovery, I sought help and counselling and I worked on myself to get my strength back. I got to a point eventually where I was open to couple work to see how we could get through this. It didn't go so well. I feel that although he is not 'acting out' as such there are some things that just don't sit right with me. Maybe its the cause of the addiction, lack self love, entitlement and not being open about feelings that haven't been addressed. It is also his total lack of empathy. He occasionally tells that me he is still working on this , but most of the time he tells me that the biggest issue in the relationship is me because I am unstable and don't know what I want. He tells me that because I am unable to fully BE in the relationship that I am the problem. My husband continues to tell me how he wants a relationship with me where I'm stable, and not angry or upset at times. He says "I don't know what I'm coming home too, sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're angry and will be short with me, other times you're crying." "I need stability". He wants to have a sexual relationship with me and is upset and finds it hard to be in any sort of relationship with me as we're not physically intimate. To me there is a lot more to work on that just that. We were working on a relationship together early last year, 6 months after discovery, and at first I felt like there was hope, he'd been on the Paula Hall partners course and had been regularly seeing his one to one counsellor. I too had regular partner counselling and still do. I have been on the partner course too. When couple therapy started in 2017, he said he didn't need to work on himself anymore and he just needed to work on us. This made me uncomfortable and I communicated that to him, but he said he was no longer acting out, and felt like he had control over his feelings now. I eventually put couple counselling to an end because the focus was continually on him. He kept saying he didn't understand what he needed to do, he just wanted to be in a good relationship, how he just wanted to know whether I was in or out. He didn't understand how to empathise. He said he just needed a list of what he could to, examples things to tick off. There has been a lot of turmoil since then, I have left and come back, but when I left he said he realised he needed more than just sex addiction counselling, that there was more he needed to work on, he said his feeling of entitlement, his communication and happiness outside of being in a relationship needed to be worked on. He has been in weekly psychotherapy since November 2017. He doesn't share much about what they work on and when I ask he is very short about it. But I too feel he is obsessed with my behaviour, how I am upset, angry, traumatised. Before all this happened I was very giving, I spent a lot of time with him and his family. I prioritised 'us' and looking back I feel that it was all things that I knew would make him happy, he used to come across so stressed and upset and made me feel that I had the power to make everything better, so I tried because I wanted to make him happy too. However since discovery I have learned a lot about myself and my own behaviours as well as his. I realise now that there is co-dependancy evident in the relationship and for my own recovery I need to work on that. But I honestly feel that my recovery harms him. Maybe I take my boundaries too far? But I am protecting myself, and he isn't consistent enough for me to take this protection down. I know we all need to take risks in a relationship in order for it to bloom but I still feel he isn't genuine enough to really take on board my feelings or situation. For example, my relationship with his family has detoriated through lack of support, but also I have for the first time in a very long time started to focus on myself, making time for my own needs and requirements to ensure my own well being i.e spend time with my friends, make time for myself, i have only so much time to dedicate to others and they're not the top of my list, besides it gives me anxiety being around them, especially when I don't even feel safe around him either. So for this reason, that is on hold. This causes problems. I have also set boundaries on physical intimacy, this is mainly due to not feeling safe, the trauma from sex with him before discovery and ultimately not feeling connected to him has resulted in a shut down of physical intimacy. He is so detached from being able to empathise with what Im going through that I do find it hard to be close to him. It is like he is just waiting and wanting for me to be 'fixed' so that he can list his demands on me again. Yes I am unstable but this is because of everything that has happened. He makes me feel like I need to start giving back to him, still has an issue that we're not having sex. But then when we're talking he says things like I'm not pushing for sex so why can't you be happy? I'm not acting out anymore, why can't you let it go? I didn't run off with her, I chose you, can't you see I love you? There have been times where I have been open to something physical, a small kiss, holding each other at night if we do share the bed, in the last 18 months we have been sexual a handful of times. However he will bring it to my attention and tell me I am not consistent by saying "well why were you able to do that then, and not now, don't kiss me if you can't be like that regularly", ok that's fair but then don't hold it against me that I'm not either! He's right, I am not consistent, but that is because we are not connected on an emotional level. It is because I cant cry on his shoulder and tell him how things make me feel. I can't talk about my fear and anxieties. When I do I get defensive behaviour and anger. I am also not consistent because I have triggers, and times I am upset, and he adds fuel to my vulnerability rather than diffusing it. I do often think, if I am having a bad moment to not share it with him, I used to do that, it kept the peace. However, I'm then keeping it to myself and suffering in silence, I am human and it will show anyway. So it creates a cold environment for us to be in. He hates that too and tells me its worse when I don't say anything. Counselling taught us to be open and share, with checkins and listening by taking it in turns, but almost 99% of the time when I share he will bulldoze onto me and tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, or that what I'm saying is unfair. Or that I'm not perfect and I do this, that the other. I am left feeling worse than I did before sharing. And when he does share, he is telling me that it upsets him we are not physically intimate, or it upsets him I'm not ready to have kids, or it upsets him I have no relationship with his family. I am the reason for his upset. He says that he only wants anything from me if I can give it regularly. I know it must be hard for him, he wants to feel loved by me. But this addiction has really impacted me. I really don't want to be this way. All I need from him is some understanding, patience and empathy, genuinely. When we had couple counselling this time last year, 6 months into discovery, he too chose to shame me about things rather than own up to the situation we are in now. My behaviour hasn't been perfect, I know, but my head is a mess and has been a mess I haven't made the best choices. He makes me feel like I'm the worst wife in the world but then he tells me how upset he is at the thought of losing me. It's confusing. I feel he has a list of demands he needs me to meet, and if I'm not meeting those he's unhappy and I'm not good enough. He doesn't see that I'm the way I am now as a result of all the trauma. I am not punishing him, if anything I am torturing myself. Just the other day we spoke and we agreed the relationship is probably going to end because neither of us are happy. He said the important thing for him is to have a healthy sex life with his partner and because Im so distant sexually he doesn't think either of our needs will be met in the relationship. We start with a new couple counsellor next week. I know there are things that I must be doing that make it hard for him, but the way I see it is there is some serious damage done here, and I am the living consequence of that damage. What does the addict do? Am I the problem? If I can't let it go then I guess maybe I am the problem, but I also don't feel I've had the opportunity to because he's bulldozed on my every feeling, and at any given opportunity he's got his demands.