Eliza

Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you're doing ok. Please look after yourself, this is a huge trauma and self care is important. In answer to your question, well... I am still with my husband! After posting on this forum I joined one of the PH partner support groups and it did honestly really help me, I had a series of weeks where I spent more time understanding the addiction but also, more importantly, understanding my own trauma and its effect. It's also given me a group of women I can still talk to when things get rough. It's a long road, and it's still a road we are navigating. His recovery is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. In some respects his recovery has really improved some aspects of him as a person - he is more humble, less ego, less aggression. As a couple we've been through couples counselling and gained more of an understanding of each other, better communication skills. We have, during certain periods, felt much closer to each other and been almost back to 'normal'. But he HAS slipped, on a few occasions, and the part he struggles with the most is the shame and the lying to me - when he has slipped ('big' slips, e.g. he has found ways to watch porn, he got back into secret spending on a credit card or flirted with other girls via social media), I have still been in a situation where I 'caught him out' and he did not own up to me straight away - even though we agreed he has a 48 hour window to tell me. I think this is the hardest part, even with all the therapy, all the counselling, the lying is like second nature to him and has been since he was young. And the lying is the most awful part for me. As a result I'm still, almost 5 years on, rebuilding trust - we are getting there, but I honestly don't know that I will ever get it back 100% and that is really sad. But he's also the father of my daughter and still a great dad, and I can't ignore that he has made many strides in his personal recovery and has made some real progress. So is it easier? Yes, it is... but I still get knocked sideways every now and then by a slip and we still go through some very rough times. What I would say is, don't make any big decisions now. You need time to process, to heal and to understand. If you are able, seek out counselling or support groups with other partners (and if you are struggling financially - still ask, they may take your situation into account) because I still, 4-5 years on, message that group of ladies when something bad happens and just knowing that there are other people who understand the pain of this addiction, and what it means for us as partners, is invaluable. PM me if you'd like xxx

Lala44, Feeling fragile, I'm also happy to be DM'd / added to a private chat if you'd like to talk. But I would also genuinely recommend joining a partner support group if you can, I did back at the end of 2017 and I still speak to the ladies from my group regularly, the support and understanding is invaluable - especially speaking to people going through this at the same stage as you. I'm 3.5 years post "discovery" and still with my husband, it's still up and down, he's had a few relapses, but overall he has been working on his recovery and things are better than they were. Often it feels like 2 steps forwards, 1 step back, but it IS getting there. Be kind to yourself and focus on self care, discovering a sex addiction is such a traumatic experience and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but there are people here that understand so don't be afraid to reach out. Sending you the biggest virtual hugs xx

Hi everyone, I've not been on this forum for a while but I think I just needed to get this all out and maybe hear experiences from others if anyone has anything to share. I discovered my husband's sex addiction in October 2017 - a drip feed truth of pretty much the full accolade of acting out behaviours - fantasizing, porn, flirting on Tinder & Ashley Madison, sex with other women (ex girlfriends and sex workers), I think the only thing he hadn't done was a full blown affair. He racked up £5k debts on a secret credit card and he lost his job the week I found out. Ever since then he has been in recovery, it's also been a tumultuous time for us as he lost about 5 jobs in succession (kept failing probation). He's been to SLAA (started off well, going every week - this fizzled out after a while though...), has a sponsor, has done a bit of individual therapy (though not much as we just haven't been able to afford it), and the London Laurel Centre therapy group. I've also done the Laurel Centre partner course. In the last year or so we'd been doing couples counselling; this combined with the fact that he had done the London Laurel Centre course had given me hope and he seemed to be doing really well. As a couple we had worked on our relationship and intimacy and I was proud to say that we had sex again for the first time in about 4 years (we had struggled with this even before I discovered the addiction). We have a daughter together and we had discussed wanting to try for another child - I was so happy we had got to the point where we could start trying again. I'm not saying he hasn't had slips... there have been a few occasions where I have caught him out and he's had to go back to his sponsor, to therapy etc - for example mid-last year I found him following porn accounts on Twitter. There have been a few occasions where I have discovered him lying to me, even about small things. But every time he always seems to do the 'right' thing and gets out his books, goes to a SLAA group, says he's working on it. Well, 2 weeks ago I discovered that he had been lying to me about spending money on a credit card. He'd spent over £500 on it back in February-April of this year and hid it from me. I've seen the statements - it was primarily on food! He tends to spend money / overeat as a sideline to his addiction. The week before that I had found him following accounts / liking posts on Instagram that I didn't think were appropriate (pretty females). I was gutted. He insisted to me "that was it", and I just didn't buy it. Long story short, he eventually came out with (what he says is) the whole truth of his relapse - but only after I insisted multiple times and pleaded with him to be truthful - to himself - because otherwise, how can he progress? It was a drip feed truth again, unfortunately. But it's come out that he still ogles/fantasises about women, he's watched porn on Instagram occasionally and has flirted with women via Instagram too - all since around August last year. As well as obviously, the spending on the credit card and lying to me. I'm a realistic person, I have stayed with him and I have supported him (and myself) as best I can - I knew there would likely be slips and relapses. But the lying is what I find the most difficult Simply put, I just feel that I still cannot trust him, and I don't know how we can build that trust up when he keeps lying and hiding things. Any slips that have been discovered have always been discovered by ME, he has not proactively come forward and owned up to any slips or relapses with his sponsor, support group or therapist. What's more, he's been telling all those individuals and groups, and me, how well he's been doing in recovery - only to find he hasn't been doing as well as he made out. I don't know quite what the point of this post is but I just wanted to express how gutted I am, I guess. It's just difficult. It's been 3 years dealing with this and his recovery and this feels like a big setback. I feel upset and exhausted. I feel like our hard work rebuilding intimacy will go to waste as I don't feel I can be in that place now. It's certainly, as I'm sure is normal, been very triggering for me and taken me back to how I felt when I first discovered the addiction. I don't know how I feel towards him right now, and I'm worried about his ability to be honest - and will he ever get there? How do other partners, who are still with their husbands, deal with relapses?

Kat, I know it's a few months on but I haven't been on this forum for a while. Came on and saw your post and my heart went out to you, what a horrible way to find out :( I just wanted to ask how things are and let you know that I'm here if you'd like to talk or need any support. The thing that stood out for me was regarding his behaviour of being apologetic one minute and then blaming you the next - that is classic addict behaviour, deflecting the blame onto others. When my husband was in the thick of it (as I know now), he lied to me about something and then when I didn't believe him we would have a huge argument and he would make out like I was awful and give me a massive guilt trip. Then all of a sudden would be saying he forgives me. They will do anything in order to not face what they have done. I really hope that you and your children are ok. It's a difficult situation to be in, but even more so when there are young children involved. I found out when my daughter was 1 and a half, she is just over 2 now and I am still with my husband - but only because he, like PJ said, hit rock bottom, admitted everything (eventually!) and started going to a 12 step group. And I can see the changes in him. But it's going to be a long road before I trust him again, and I still can't say for certain what the future holds. Hang in there xxx

Hannah, in response to your question, a really useful exercise for you would be to write a list... things you already know, things you NEED to know and things you WANT to know. Things you need to know are things which will help you understand the level of his acting out, help you have closure and move on. Things you want to know are things that you may feel you want the answers to... But the answers may actually hurt you more and be damaging to your own recovery - examples of this would be things like intricate details of the acting out, places he went... As Rob said above, intricate details like this may cause additional triggers for you in the future that you do not want. I've been speaking to quite a few partners and I know a few that say they know some details that they really wish they didn't know. I think what a partner needs or wants to know will be different for every individual - and that's why it helps to have it mediated by a therapist and be clear before disclosure exactly what questions you want to ask and exactly what you want to know. And I think the addict should be clear on this too, and be open and transparent to whatever extent you need them to be, if that makes sense. I am only 4 months post D-Day, we haven't had a proper 'disclosure' with a therapist yet but I have been to the Paula Hall partner support group and we did the above exercise and I found it really useful. Will be revisiting it again in the future when we do disclosure - he's said I know everything now, but I would still like to formalize the process and feel I have asked everytbing I need to. I hope that helps. Massive hugs to you xxx

Realitycheck, I am so sorry to hear this. As Florrie said, it sounds like he is still in denial, as much as I hate to say it. I recently did the Paula Hall partner course and one of the things we talked about was how can you actually know your partner is in recovery, when you can't trust a word they say? Essentially, they can't just say they're in recovery. It's their actions which must reassure us and show us that they are in recovery - and that means being accountable, transparent, trying their best to not get defensive, attending therapy and/or 12 step meetings, if they have a particularly stressful or difficult time showing or telling us how they're dealing with it, being understanding and empathetic as to why we might find it hard to trust them or get angry or upset. When my husband gets angry with me or defensive it immediately gets my back up and my suspicions racing, because that's exactly how he acted when he was acting out (I know that now, looking back). It's happened a few times since D-Day and we've had a few big arguments, but afterwards he has calmed down and admitted that I was right to be upset and he shouldn't have got angry. I'm not saying he - or we - are perfect. We are only 4 months in and I'm under no illusion that this is going to be an easy road, but what I know is that the most reassuring thing in his recovery, for me, is his commitment to a 12 step group (he goes every week, has a sponsor, is on step 4 and has volunteered to be secretary) and the real changes I can see in his behaviour - not just with regards to our relationship but also how he is taking on board things like sharing the housework, doing more family stuff together etc. He lets me open his post if I want to, look at his bank statements, I have Qustodio on his phone and laptop (so I can see what websites he's been on etc). For the most part he doesn't argue back when I get suspicious or ask him questions. Of course we have blips!!! But it's encouraging so far. Don't doubt yourself. Be kind to yourself. Know that your anger and hurt are COMPLETELY normal for someone in your situation and he should be understanding of that, not blaming you. Big hugs. Really hope things improve for you soon xxx

Yes please do Veryunhappy, would be more than happy to talk to someone else about this. We all need to support each other x

Anon89 - that would be great. I feel like I really need to talk to other people going through the same thing. I have a good network of close friends and family but it's so difficult for them to really "get it" - whether that's because they don't understand what sex addiction is but also because I don't think anyone can quite understand the trauma that these levels of betrayal can cause. Big hugs to you too xxx

Anon89, I could have written your post. I am 3 weeks post discovery - been with my husband for 6 years, married for 3, we have a house together and a 1.5 year old daughter. I don't think anybody would ever have dreamed that me and my husband would have problems - we have always had such a solid relationship, open and trusting (so I thought!), he is a good man, has been so supportive to me as a husband and is a brilliant dad. And yet I have discovered that all the way through our relationship (though it has racked up particularly in the last 6 months), he has... been texting/sexting exes for attention, flirted with a couple of girls I know, paid for pornography, lap dances, joined adult dating websites and messaged women on there, been on online sex chat rooms and met up with/slept with girls from there, been with prostitutes and he has also racked up 4k of debt from all of this acting out plus gambling to try and solve his debt problem. Are the books good/useful? I haven't been to any counselling yet but am looking into it now, I've not really been in a fit state to go anywhere to be honest as my anxiety/stress levels have been through the roof and I've been having a lot of physical symptoms. Like you I don't know where to go from here. If we work things out and stay together am I now doomed to a trustless marriage, having to monitor his every move and set parental controls? Is that the kind of life I want to live? And if I leave him, I'll have to share my daughter with him. Either way I don't think I will be happy, so I feel like I am facing an incredibly hopeless future. He also lost his job the week after I found out about his problem - unrelated but bad timing. Everything is broken, I feel completely devastated and yet I have to try and hold it together for our daughter - and I can't even have a proper break from him as she still needs to see her daddy and I need help with her occasionally. He is doing everything he can to recover - been to the doctors, is on antidepressants (all sounds very similar to your situation!), is attending Sex Addicts Anonymous groups. He/we need some specific counselling but how can we afford it when he's now got 4.5k debts and no job and we have a daughter to provide for?! Sorry that this doesn't really help in terms of advice, but I'm just in a very similar position to you and also feeling lost.