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About johnsnowman

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  1. johnsnowman

    My experience so far

    I am happily married with children but have cheated in various ways throughout our marriage and even when my wife and i first met. She has never found out about any of it and I am realistically the last man on earth you would expect this of. I always behave appropriately around female friends and colleagues and don't even engage in harmless flirting. My addiction(?) started with chat rooms then visiting an adult cinema then dogging and swinging clubs. Oddly, I never have penetrative sex and increasingly (but not always) i don't engage in any acts, just watch and masturbate. I guess this is some sort of self justification that I am "not cheating" but obviously that is complete crap. I think one of my problems is I haven't hit rock bottom. In fact there are really no consequences for me other than a feeling of guilt. That said, I did think i had caught an STI a couple of years ago. I found myself in my car crying and talking to The Samaritans. After that, I stopped all activity for a while but gradually i slipped back into my old ways. In August of this year I reached a turning point of sorts with even more acute feelings of guilt and decided I had to stop. Since that date 11th August (9 weeks ago) I have not done anything I (or more importantly my wife) would class as cheating. All I allow myself is recorded pornography but no chat rooms or live sessions. I am hopeful but realistic about this. I have managed to resist temptation in various scenarios where I would have looked to seek out sexual gratification. Typically these are times when I am away with work, when I would seek out sex clubs or dogging meets. Or at home alone when I would access swinging sites and arrange meets or engage in cybersex. I am pleased with myself for this but also there has been an impact on my libido and sex life within my marriage. It's not dramatic though and I suspect it will return to normal. I have no intention of telling my wife any of this as I don't see what it would achieve and (provided I don't relapse) I know she wouldn't want to know. I am considering telling my wife about some of my desires. I don't believe any of them are inherently wrong. To me it is the betrayal which is wrong and where i feel the guilt. I am going to leave it a while before I decide whether to talk to her about these desires, though. I need to make sure I am making a rational decision not acting through frustration at my abstinence. Writing this is cathartic for me but I would like to hear anyone's thoughts on it. It was interesting writing it. Not least because I had to make a very determined effort not to go into detail as I don't want to re-ignite my desires or do the same for anyone reading. Thanks for reading and good luck to anyone who is going through anything similar. John