Jump to content

Leaderboard


Popular Content

Showing content with the highest reputation since 12/16/2017 in all areas

  1. 2 points
    Thats the thing. I don't want to just transfer my addictive behaviours to a different addiction. I know I need to address the root cause of what need they are filling for me so I can work out non destructive ways of meeting it. This is so hard, but just being able to talk to people who understand is a comfort.
  2. 2 points
    Hello Desperateforrecovery, Yes, you're at rock bottom. Welcome. I'm here too. So are others. You're not alone. I'm discovering that the compulsions we share LOVE the shame and secrecy and isolation, so good on you for sharing. Keep doing it. I've started with a therapist; absolute key is to be 100% honest with them. If you're not comfortable saying things to your therapist then get another one. I told mine some things that I've never told anyone, thoughts that I've hidden for 30 years. She notes it down and we talk around it. It is liberating. It might not affect whether my wife stays or leaves me but it will affect the future me that I want to be and she will see one day. Keep going to therapy. Have you tried Sex Addicts Anonymous? There is also Sexaholics Anon and Sex & Love Addicts Anon. Hopefully something will be close to you to attend. Try different ones as they are all different, even the different location groups under the same organisation. I've started. the first visit was very scary. But I actually look forward to going, because I know it will make me feel better and I know I can get some support, which is ultimately what it is about. Try the letter. Even if you write it and screw it up afterwards, that means you have got out what was in your head. Keep going and check in often. P.
  3. 2 points
    Hello. Thank you for sharing. And thank you Josh for appearing to us like an angel to give support to the likes of me and 'outofwishes'. Outofwishes - I am only a few weeks into my new life after reality booted it's way in and changed things for ever. My wife and family have to deal with the knowledge that I committed a crime; the social worker from Children's Services has labelled me as a serious risk and my wife is under a ton of strain. Some things I have read have helped and some have terrified me. This time that you are currently in, this limbo between being found out and being convicted is the time when we are becoming free of addiction, free of stupidity, starting therapy and/or 12 step programmes. It is ironic and paradoxical that at the time you are convicted, you will be the most cleansed and risk free of all your adult life. The conviction and sentencing is haunting because at the moment it is unknown. From your wordpress blog you might be lucky and have a non custodial or suspended sentence. Whatever happens, I hope and know that there will be a good you at the end of it. There will be lows, serious lows on the way, but hold on to that as motivation, hold on to the love of your wonderful friends (I sobbed too at that) and hold on to the knowledge that you are now a good person with things to offer. You can talk to people about where porn addiction can take you, you can save another life with that. Sorry, it's a bit of a diatribe this. All the best and perhaps we'll chat again sometime soon. P.
  4. 2 points
    “What worries me is that, how can he ever really be happy with me. How will I ever be enough? How do I really work through this? Will it ever go away? The boundaries are set and he knows that another serious issue would be the end for us” Oh, Judith, I understand that feeling so well. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with it I’m over 2 years into recovery but what I can pass on to you is that you are competing with a ‘thing’, a substance, an object. No one person can ‘compete’ with that thing, that entity that is at the core of the addiction. Not that lady in the picture No individual woman can. Not even that lady can compete with the chemical soup in the brain of a porn/sex addict. They are chasing the high. Judith, you ARE enough It took me a lot of time to get past this mindset but I did. Learning about porn addiction was an enormous help. There is a website called YourBrainOnPorn.com where there is a video that explains what’s going on in the brain of a porn addict. It’s about seeking and novelty, dopamine, creating pathways in the brain, the hijacking of the brain’s reward system and sensitisation to the ‘thing’ they’ve become addicted to. They appear to be people that the addict is seeking out, but it’s not really. They’re just the ‘substance’ that’s needed to get the high. Obviously, the way to feel OK about yourself takes a lot more than understanding what goes on in men’s brains when they look at porn or similar, but it explains what people mean when they say it’s not about the us, that we weren’t the cause of it or that we weren’t good enough. A bit about me. My husband was an internet porn addict for 15 years and before that he was buying magazines and videos from seedy sex shops although I only ever found two magazines on one occasion. He also went to strip bars, which I was never supposed to find out about. In truth, I don’t really know how far it goes back, but as soon as he was online at home I lost him to porn addiction. Eventually we had no sex life whatsover. Zero. Nothing. No interest in me. Never looked at me. Never complimented me. I could have been stark naked and he’d just keep his nose in his book. Eventually I got dressed and undressed in the bathroom. I knew full well about the porn but after if caught him in the first days and weeks of getting online he had all these cleanup apps installed. It really hurt. Deep down I felt rejected because I was over 30 (oh, hahaha, seems so young now) and then I was over 40... and so on. So I thought it was all over. I only managed because I was in denial. I ended up feeling totally rejected and lonely and depressed. Nobody ever touched me or kissed me. I had to ask for a goodnight peck, otherwise he would just turn over and go to sleep. So, did I feel not good enough? In my mind I BELIEVED I was not good enough, never would be, never could be. I didn’t see the depression coming. I developed a sort of adult onset midlife anorexia. I didn’t know it could happen. But it did and it happened to me. I developed body dysmorphia. I was shrinking away to nothing because I believed I had no right to take up space. Hiding my ‘hideous’ body from my husband was so easy because it would never occur to him to look. Privately I could see I was emaciated. And then one day I saw myself in the mirror and had a depressive breakdown. My only thought at the time was “he’ll never want me now. Everything I once was has gone forevermore”. That was how far it had to go before he quit porn, and even then it was only the beginning of all the pain of discovering the extent of this habit and all the lying. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. I wasn’t his porn type. I soon discovered that. I had gone through my early adult life with this enviable physique and I’d pretty much stayed the same shape but I wasn’t some 36GG painted Barbie. I didn’t have a negative body image at all. But somehow, in midlife I ended up painfully thin and frail with body dysmorphia disorder, and that was before I had any idea about what he sought out in porn. I stopped neglecting my appearance. I treated myself to some new clothes. I coloured my hair. I bought some nail varnish. I started eating more. I was clinically underweight and it took some time to gain weight. I didn’t want to eat junk either. I bought some self help books. Gael Lindenfield does some good ones on building self esteem. I tried to get back to my previous interests and hobbies though this was hard because I was so distressed and preoccupied as the reality of my husband’s addiction behaviours slowly tricked out, and I was traumatised over and over with new discoveries followed by lying and denial. It was hell. I bought myself some cheap exercise books and biros and I wrote and wrote and wrote to get it all out of my system. My anger, my hatred for porn, and the industries that make money from this misery, the difficult emotions about my husband. I journalled a lot. I saw my GP who arranged counsellor. Not brilliant but it was support for me. Not for us as a couple but just for me. I couldn’t deal with it along. My husband began to appreciate me physically after d day but to be honest this was more of a honeymoon period. As soon as I raised an awkward issue or when I discovered more evidence of his acting out which he would deny, this would create rifts which he did not have the skills and maturity to deal with. So I noticed the compliments were not so forthcoming. And then one day something lit up in my mind — I don’t need his compliments to feel worthwhile. If he doesn’t notice, then so what? I notice! I can see who’s looking back at me in the mirror, and she’s an impressive lady. He’s a man with a problem, he’s a porn addict, and I’m not going to let his behaviour that caused so many problems for me decide whether or not I’m going to feel good about myself. So so that’s how it began. That was my turning point. Of course it’s not that easy. There are many difficult and upsetting moments, but the important thing is to uncouple yourself from his ‘approval’. It’s late and I’ve been writing for ages so i’ll stop. I hope this helps. I still get upset about it all. I still feel like an ugly nobody at times. I still feel wretched when I have my doubts and suspicions. Our ‘recovery’ is far from ideal. But I know that where he is lacking, I must continue to work on my own personal healing.
  5. 1 point
    We are all visiting this forum for one reason or another. --- How are you? How is your day going? P.
  6. 1 point
    Hi, This is my journey through addiction, I hope it can help others see there is a way out. I first struggled with alcohol addiction and went to rehab in 2006, there it was quickly identified that my primary addiction was indeed sex addiction. I was hoffied and in complete denial. I refused to accept it and labeled myself an alcoholic. I carried on relapsing with alcohol and stayed in complete denial about SA until July 2007. Then my partner found out about my affairs and I told him I had been told I was a sex addict. But really I wasn't ready to accept it myself. After another two trips to rehab, I finally managed to stop drinking in September 2009, and started my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous using the 12 step program. I managed to be faithful and not act out until February 2012. Then because all I had done in my recovery up until then, was deal with some of the symptoms (ie drinking) and I had been too afraid to look at the root causes and deal with the real issue,which was sex addiction I relapsed into SA. I tried to convince myself it was actually a new love of my life (even though I desperately loved my partner) and that it was not me using men to deal with my fears,shame, insecurities and pain. It escalated over the next 4 years to many sexual encounters and I came more insane and irrational. Eventually my partner found out again and I was ready to accept my real problems. I went to Paula Hall (as my partner had previously had some partners counselling with her back in 2007 when I was using 12 steps for my recovery). There I was introduced to my therapist and started my real journey into getting well. Too begin with I was still holding onto bits of the truth and lying even to my therapist, but she was patient and she helped me see the need for absolute total honesty. To be honest I didn't know what true honesty was and it took me a while to learn how to be completely honest. I was so ashamed and so afraid to face all what I had done. But I knew that to deal with this meant dealing with the causes of my addictions, not just the symptoms. I had to accept why and how had I became so dependant on sex and lust to fill the pain inside me. The journey was painful and extremely hard at times, but I had the most amazing therapist and I was able to totally trust her in a way I had never trusted anyone. Over the years I have had some many people try and help me but she was different, she understood me and my issues totally. i will forever be so grateful to her. I spent 20 months going to see her once a week and I believe I needed that much time to really process my issues. One thing I did regret was D Day and trying to go through disclosure with my partner on our own and too early. As I took so long to be able to be completely honest, each time I tried to tell the full truth to my partner I either hide something or lied about something or denied it. This caused so much more pain. I wish we had waited until I was honest enough to do it properly. Eventually we did a therapeutic disclosure with two therapists from Paula's practice, which went very well. So I would advise using the therapists to help with this totally. My partner has been amazing and we are still together, I know I have been extremely lucky to have someone who understands my issues and believes in me overcoming them. I am just about to start seeing a new therapist from the practice who is relationship trained, who hopefully can help me further with some of my lasting relationship issues, and take me to a further place of healing. There is a way out, if you can be honest and face yourself and your shame. If there are any other females who would like to talk, I love to make contact, unfortunately the one draw back at the moment is there are not many women coming forward for help, so it can be lonely journey. Cat
  7. 1 point
    So here we are again. Yet again trying to kick my habit, before my life crumbles around me and I'm left with nothing. I'm teetering on the edge of dispair and even know my brain is telling me that ill be better off on my own, I know it's because it doesn't want to face the pain. I need this, my life needs to get back on track and I must stop hurting the people I love the most. I have been a porn addict for over a decade now. At first when I was in my teens, I just thought it was normal. I never linked it the childhood trauma, I thought i just had a very high sex drive. When I couldn't get what I wanted (sex) I would turn to porn, that eventually led to darken and swapping intimate pictures of my wife. Then when I thought i couldn't get any lower it was then adultery, then it deepened further to paying for sex. I have been in therapy, and whilst it initially helped I think what I needed was a support network, and this is why I failed to stop acting out. Even though I confronted my worst memories, but I don't think I ever overcame them. What can I do to overcome a memory of my father trying to take his own life, I remember everything about that day like it happened 30 minutes ago. The walk from my friends house, the items I was carrying after a sleep over, the day was sunny, barely a breeze. Then when I was by the lamp post half way up the alleyway that's when I saw the ambulance. At first my thought was oh it must be Muriel My elderly neighbour. Then I realised they were in our house. The pure panic and devastation that ensured has never been discussed between me and my dad. Now we're not even talking. I've been thinking of sending a letter, spilling my heart out like I never have before, but if i get nothing back will I just spiral out of control? What if he's not in a good place and he tried it again? But here we are, after being caught watching porn again and betraying my wife's trust. I need to kick this habit. I'm going to use this forum/thread just to spill my emotions. It maybe what I need. Tomorrow I'm seeing a GP about getting referred for help. So tomorrow is day 1. My first challenge is 30 days, small steps, completely porn and masturbation free. But small steps can help you climb mountains. If there is one thing I've learnt is that physical challenges are easy, but fighting your own mind is something I've always failed at. I've downloaded a motivational app, NoFap. Maybe what I need in the heat of the moment is something to remind me what's at stake. So here is my journey to redemption.
  8. 1 point
    TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read blue card. Read Just for Today. Read text from Tools for Recovery Called and spoke with Brendan and Lloyd Attended SAA Swindon. Walked through first draft of my circles with Sponsor Steve. GRATITUDE LIST A reasonable sleep A good shower My wife still communicating with me Stimulating bit of work Fresh air Pleasant lunch Speaking with Brendan Speaking with Lloyd Good SAA meeting Nice hotel
  9. 1 point
    Thanks for this. I'll try and check it out. I just wish porn was my biggest challenge, but unfortunately I crossed it to reality far to long ago. I hope you are managing your stuff. And really do appreciate you taking the time to respond.
  10. 1 point
    Had a really big wobble today. The fact my landlady had asked me to leave felt unproportionally bad, especially when I take into account that there are a few things I don't really like about the house where I rent a room. I did what I could to get better. I looked for another room, I contacted advertisers of rooms, I went to look at a room. I also said to landlady I prefer to leave as early as possible. I don't want to be somewhere where I am not welcome. She was not happy, but I cannot influence that. Thankful for speaking with Dave today; I am so grateful for having numbers of SAA fellows. Saw my therapist. We ended up talking about a whole load of stuff that wasn't really on her 'to talk about' list. Spoke more about how me and my wife have never really spoken about really important things and how I feel that she (my wife) focuses on negative aspects which causes me to avoid talking. I was asked "why did you marry your wife?". It should be a really easy answer, but I stopped, I had nothing. Right now I know I love her, but why did I marry her in the first place? Expectations perhaps, someone had made themselves available to me? Also spoke about my bisexuality; about how I have no desire to emotionally attach with men and that my interests were basically like a porn hunt, desire to find someone to talk about fantasies with and that I treated men like female sex workers - no interest in anything emotional, just wanted to have sex and basically didn't care which gender. Therapist suggested that she thinks I am heterosexual because a bisexual person has loving and emotional connections with either gender. Now sat in a hotel a couple of hours away from home/lodging as there is a last minute early morning workshop to attend. Busy busy busy. Thank you for letting me ramble. TODAY'S ACTIVITIES Read the blue card, read Just for Today, read Tools for Recovery, read 12 steps and 12 traditions Spoke to Dave and James GRATITUDE LIST The blue card Tea spareroom.com Dave from SAA My sponsor Mum Looking for a new lodging - something I can influence Work colleagues Getting a hotel Driving
  11. 1 point
    Hey guys, not really sure what to put here, guess i should have read other posts first. Il just type and see where it takes me. So decided to start a thread and reach out to my fellow sex/porn addicts. I have over the last two days reached the dreaded (my partner) has left me stage, relationship lasted 5 years on this occasion. Prior to this, i knew i cared for her but was very confused over whether i loved my partner or not. You know how our brains work so freaking hard to push us away from the ones we love most. I honestly thought i didn't love her, but would say i love her to myself over and over. My brain/the addiction constantly convinced me into thinking she's not the right one for me, or shes not the right body type or she just doesn't understand porn addiction, or she's losing too much weight or putting on too much weight, the list goes on. She eventually left me few days ago and that's that. Now shes gone, all i can think of is the hell i have put her through and i am seeing more and more connections between my behaviours and porn and how i see woman as a whole. Its fucked from the ground up but i am determined to fight this and beat it. Prior to this week i managed to go for nearly a month without porn, was hard but currently back on the bandwagon over the last 24 hours. Day one of no porn begins tomorrow, wish me luck, need to save up for a rehab placement ideally. Quick question while i'm here, anyone tried Hypnosis to fight this addiction we have? PS Sorry if my grammar is crap.
  12. 1 point
    Ok, it’s started, I’ve properly started with my 12 step SAA programme. Might be coincidence, but today has probably been my calmest day since hitting rock bottom 6 weeks and 6 days ago. One thing that I am starting to get an understanding of, is that I really don’t have any control or influence over the choices that my wife makes. I know that everything here is my fault, that I have caused it, but I don’t have any power over whether she lets me see the children, whether she lets me do some jobs at home such as mowing the grass, whether she gets support from anyone, whether she sorts her access to our joint bank account… nothing is what I have influence over. What I can do is sort my nonsense out. I can take steps to come to terms with my offence, I can take steps with SAA to recover from my selfish behaviours and commit to not doing them again, I can stay with therapy to find deep root causes and to manage some of the obsessions in my head. It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected. I suppose the only down side with feeling a bit buoyant is that I am bound to have a rubbish day at some point, but I hope I can ride it. I made calls to SAA fellows and took calls from SAA fellows today and it all really helps. Spoke to my new sponsor too – Steve. I think he will work me hard, but it really is all down to me. Had a lovely walk with Lily the dog this morning. Out for well over an hour and a half walking across park, fields, bridleway and footpath. She got muddy, wet and rolled in horse poop and needed one hell of a bath afterwards. But I loved it all! TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list. Rang fellows: Wayne (voicemail), Kevin, Ross (vmail). Took fellow’s calls: Alan, Simon. Took some time out whilst Dad played some tennis. Read some pages from SAA green book. TODAY’S GRATITUDE LIST Cup of tea in bed from Dad (ha ha – you can tell I’m English) Walking Lily the dog Still, clear, wonderful fresh air Bathing Lily the dog Talking through the first activities of my programme with my sponsor Fresh cooked brunch Speaking with Kevin Taking calls from Alan and Simon Making a mini plan to help Simon Steak Mum and Dad’s love Staying sober for today
  13. 1 point
    Hello Enigmajacq Looking at your later post first, I think you're already winning, because you know you need to work on things. You recognise that you are hurting yourself. A lot of my excuses and justification to myself was also along the lines of 'not illegal', 'not really hurting anyone', 'its not as bad as doing x, y or z'. But over years things escalated to things that were illegal, I did hurt people, I did things that were bad. I hate the situation I'm in right now, but I am determined that it will make a better me out of the back of it. You've probably had a non-sober day in the past. Compare that to day. Last time, you probably didn't recognise it as a non-sober day, you didn't feel bad at your actions, you didn't come here and tell us all about it. You're already winning! Perhaps don't think about what to replace the addiction with, but replace where your triggers kick off. If you get bored easily, maybe keep a sudoko book with you. If you get angry easily, maybe look at starting basic mindfulness. if you get stressed, get your self a punch bag to use. As for you asking if I've been clean, I kept off PMO completely until I had completed my Inner Circle. This turned out to be really important for me in my short journey so far. My head has been telling me that anything I do (e.g. notice a pretty woman in the street) is terrible, I'm bad, so I may as well go an look at a load of porn. That was really exhausting. Doing the inner circle (really honestly) means I know what my definition of abstinence is about. Some things are a bit of an amber warning, but they will get more defined later. It might work for you. It will certainly give yo usomething to think about (link here for the SAA inner circle stuff - https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/) I didn't actually answer your question. My 'clean' means not doing things I now have on my inner circle. I've not done anything on my inner circle for 6 weeks and 5 days now My head has thrown involuntary images at me that could lead me into the those things, but once I've noticed them I have tried to steer clear e.g. by reading, quick bit of exercise, reciting serenity prayer to myself. Hope any of my ramble helps. Feel free to contact if you need to or want to. P.
  14. 1 point
    Bit of a mundane journal for today, I'm afraid. Now that I have a sponsor for SAA, I think logging a run-of-the-mill is going to become normal. I'm sure it will get supplemented by some other moments of high, low and in between. Woke with a start with Lily (the Cocker Spaniel) barking like a loon. I'm at my parents this weekend and have brought Lily over. My wife isn't coping too well with everything as I'm out of the house and so my parents are having Lily for a while. Took her out for a long walk. Really missed doing this, it is great to get some air in my lungs and just walk with her. Also took my camera (just a little compact today) and took some nice pics to much about with later. Before I went out, Mum said "Don't talk to any strange men". She has said this jokingly all my life. She then went "oh, sorry I didn't mean anything" and was rather embarrassed. Made me properly LOL though as she realised the different significance such a comment might now play. I'm sure comments like that won't play any part in recovery or lack thereof. Took the opportunity to call some SAA fellows towards the end of the walk, but all voicemails. Clearly Saturday morning is not the best tie to be making calls. I'll have to increase my list of numbers. Mum and Dad are season ticket holders at local football team (soccer, for any US readers I went with them today and oh my gosh what a dull game it was. So much so that I fell asleep as soon as we got back to their house. Annoying as it meant I missed a humdinger of a game on the TV. Was pleased to get a text from my Sister asking me for a drink. Met up with her and had a good chat about things going on - both with her as well as me. She said I seemed to be in a nice place (mentally) at the moment which feels about right. Apart from the depressive feeling I get first thing in the morning and when waves of emotions come over me, generally she is right. I've not felt like I've scowled in ages. As I said, mundane journal entry today. Thank you for letting me ramble. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GRATITUDE LIST Sat 7/4/18 Waking up Lily the dog Mum's amusing climb down after comment The woods near Mum & Dad The woodpecker Dogs running and playing together Pork pie Dad driving to football Michelle asking me for drink Attractive bar maid and no obsessing Listening ears of parents Read a little bit of SAA's 'Tools of Recovery' and 'The Porn Trap' Called Ross, Simon (not M), Nick H, Jamie B, Alan, Julian, Steve B - all voicemails Took call from Simon M Missed calls from Ross, Simon (not M), Steve B --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  15. 1 point
    So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery. I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple. I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next. The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too. I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible. Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can. xx
  16. 1 point
    Have you managed to feel any serenity about your conviction? Do you feel a better person now, no matter what the court decides? I ask, because I will have the same position in the months ahead. Well done on 5 months. I bet that in itself feels better.
  17. 1 point
    Hello outofwishes, Just checking in with you. How are you getting on? P.
  18. 1 point
    P is right. It is ironic that we face the music when we are at our healthiest, but I think that's also a good thing. I viewed my sentence (ended up serving 6 months) through objective eyes. You can't do what I did and expect to get away with it. Being punished was a huge part of my recovery and I'm thankful I was at my healthiest when I was punished so I could truly appreciate the price I was paying. Don't be fooled into thinking the police stopped the addiction. You can be scared straight, and I certainly experienced a lot of that, but you can't have an addiction scared out of you on a cellular level. Stick with your program, seek fellowship with others and, for me, one-on-one and group counseling have been huge keys to my recovery success. Also, keep writing about it. Granted, I've been a professional writer for more than 20 years, but I've yet to meet the person who isn't helped my putting their thoughts on paper. You don't have to write them here, or blog, or do a book like I did. There were plenty of times I wrote things and then tore them up and threw them away. It's just a matter of getting the mental garbage out of your system. Don't worry about your friends. Those who love you and understand addiction aren't let down. They're concerned for your well-being. You let yourself down, and that's a harder wound to fix. Yes, there will be people who cannot see beyond your crime and will forever label you a certain way. It doesn't matter. They clearly don't know you as well as you thought and they don't have the kind of compassion you require, so let them go. With your real friends, this will be something that happened to you, and something you deal with, but it will just become part of your ongoing history.
  19. 1 point
    I'm American, so I can't say 100% what it looks like assuming you're in the UK, but a lot of it has to do with what you have NOW, meaning cars, houses, etc. I've found in most cases, horror stories of insurance, loans, etc. have been overblown. That said, there are a lot of restrictions where a registered sex offender can live and it varies from town-to-town in the US. I wouldn't want to try to find an apartment now. Thankfully, since I've had my house almost 15 years, I'm grandfathered in on most. Ironically, since I've pulled my life together, my credit score has actually greatly improved since my conviction. I am on probation for three years, with about a year left. At first, I had to report to the officer every other week and there were periodic checks of my house. I also had to take two lie detector tests in the first year. Once it was established that I'm low-risk for reoffending, it's been much easier. I check-in once a month and usually he just looks at me and says "Everything good? Any questions?" and then I move on with my day. We built trust and I've shown that I've learned my lesson. So, your relationship with law enforcement will be the tightest immediately after your conviction, but it does get better. I was fired the day I was arrested...and because of my visibility in my community...I was all over the media. I will most likely never work for someone again in a white-collar environment. So I started freelance writing on my own, wrote my book and actually now make more money doing less work than I did before the conviction. And yes, I'm on the register in America for life. But that just involves checking in with the police where I live every 3 months. Sure, it's a pain sometimes, but I look at it as a good reminder to stay in recovery and a small penance considering I created victims. My best advice to you is use this time now to get your stuff together. Find out why you did what you did -- it's a long process, or at least it was for me -- and it involved a formula of reasons I couldn't have guessed when it first happened. You should have nothing to worry about with the police checking on you if you have nothing to hide. Live a life of honesty with your family and friends. I saw on your blog that your friends were great...people usually are. Some aren't, but that's their problem, not yours. Your life will be forever different, there is no denying that, but despite the hoops you'll be made to jump through both in the short- and long-term, you may find that a couple of years from now, this was just the thing you needed to turn around. Consider checking out my blog at www.RecoveringPornAddict.com for more about my story.
  20. 1 point
    I'm glad you're writing about this for everyone to read on your blog. I looked through a few articles, followed it, and you are going exactly what I did four years ago. It will get better. Figure out why it really, really happened (and that takes time), develop the tools to not let it happen again and then share your story to help others. That's been my recovery path and it's made my life so much better. Yes, you will deal with a lot of static with insurance, loans, etc., once you're a convicted sex offender, but honestly, you learn ways to deal with it (put the house in someone else's name, for instance) and at least for me, I find that the trade-off for the life I live now is more than worth it.
  21. 1 point
    Hi Hannah, I would like to offer a different perspective. I am someone who wants to know that if I ask for information it will be given to me. I am 8 months down the road form D-day and in the beginning I didn’t ask for information as I was unsure whether he could be trusted to tell the truth. Now, all these months later, and with intensive therapy, I feel that my husband owes me the truth. I feel that without this I could not move forward. Also, not knowing stuff felt like he had got away with it. So whilst Rob has said it would make him feel shame, well so be it - when faced with the question, “why do you want to know what happened?”, then my answer would be, “why shouldn’t you tell the truth, you have acted without any regard for me and you want me not to ask? Well tough, you did it, now face up to what you have done.” That might sound like I am seeking revenge, and in a sense maybe I am. But I am not interested in throwing all this back at him, it is just that I need to be clear about what has taken place throughout 24 years of a 27 year marriage. So, I know that he visited prostitutes on a frequent basis and that with the advent of easy access online porn these visits became more extreme in content. I know the towns and cities where they occurred, including the town where we live, but not exact locations. I know that in the main it was for paid ‘regular sex’ but in recent times there were a lot of ‘extra-curricular’ activities, if you get my meaning. This has come out this weekend, after him doing his step 5 of the 12 step programme. I felt that having come clean to somebody else it was now my turn. The way we did this was I asked questions and if needed he referred to the list which I had not read. The extent of his acting out was quite shocking, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t know that, however shameful it was for him. I am obviously upset, angry and hurt, but I truly don’t think I could have continued to live with him, if he hadn’t been prepared to tell what I wanted to know. So in short, my answer to your question should be, if you want to know more then that information should be forthcoming. I did not accept the excuse ‘it wouldn’t be good for me to know’ as that is my decision to make and no one else’s.
  22. 1 point
    Hi Florrie, First of all - I am sorry that you are one of the many women who are having to deal with this. There are so many of us, and we each have a different story to tell, and are finding different ways to cope with this situation. I also have adult children, a few years older than yours, who are no longer living at home. My partner's addiction has been present, to a greater of lesser extent, throughout our marriage, and so throughout our children's lives, but the extent of his addiction had been hidden until the last couple of years. These are my thoughts, and are in NO WAY meant to be advice - this is just to share what I have decided to do in my own life. I decided at the beginning that the children should be told if I ever suspected that either of them had ever been exposed to, or harmed by, his addiction. As far as I can tell, this is not the case. They are both extremely loving towards their father, and he has been (and still is) a great and devoted Dad to both of them. I know how agonising I have found this whole situation, and I see no reason to put them through the same misery. I am not sure how either of them would react, but I know that they would find it devastating. We all keep some things from our kids (as they keep things from us) - in this situation, I think that disclosure would only cause harm. I have also spent a lot of time getting to a place where I truly understand that this is my partner's problem, and it is his responsibility to fix it, and to put right the damage he has caused. If I ever felt that the children should know, then it would be up to him to tell them, and not up to me. I am not going to be an intermediary in this; I am not going to apologise for or excuse what he has done; and I am not going to put myself through the agony of telling my children. That may sound selfish, but I think when we are coming though this situation, we need to be putting ourselves and our recovery first. Finally, 18 months on from 'D' day, I am getting into a better, happier place, and my relationship with my partner is beginning to heal. If I had told my children early on, I am not sure I would then have been able to stay with my partner - I suspect once the information was out there, it would have pulled us all apart. These are just my own thoughts, but I hope you may find them useful. Thinking of you and hoping you get some good advice and find the right way through this for yourself and for your children.
  23. 1 point
    As Christine says, there is no right or wrong in this - only what feels right and makes sense to you. First and foremost, take care of yourself. I am the same age as you and can understand how devastating it is to find out that your partner of so many years has been deceiving you all this time. In my case it was 'only' a porn addiction, which started when he was a teenager. There have been several times over the years when this has come to a head and he has told me he was giving it all up - only to go back to it at some time afterwards. And each time he has returned to porn, the type of thing he has been viewing has become more extreme and more at odds with the kind of man he appears to be. We had our rocky patches over the years (and looking back now, I wonder how many of those were when his porn addiction was at its worst), but despite everything I still enjoyed his company, he still made me laugh, he was a good father to our children and he was still my best friend. On the last occasion (18 months ago), I was where you are now, and had decided to end the marriage. I have since changed my mind, and would like to share my reasons with you. Firstly, I did some research into porn addiction, so that I could begin to understand why and how it comes about, and what the chances are for recovery. I reached out to other women through on-line forums (like this one), so that I felt I had some support and that someone else understood where I was coming from. Finally, I told my partner that if he wanted our relationship to continue, it was up to him to make the running. Basically, I took a step back and made it clear that this was his problem and it was up to him to fix it. His responsibility to save the marriage and not mine. He had ruined our relationship, not me. The turning point was when he decided to come clean about his porn habit - the kind of thing he was watching, when he watched, why he watched. I recognised how difficult this was for him to say (and how difficult it was for me to hear). This was the first time, in more than 40 years, that we had properly talked about it. He did some reading and spoke to some counsellors and was able after a short while to talk to me about how he was fighting this and what he was doing to stay clean. I made the decision at that point to wait six months to decide whether to go or stay (I didn't tell him this). I decided to stay, but I now feel it is my right to ask him, at any point, if he is still clean and to expect an honest answer. I make it clear to him that I expect him, from time to time, to let me know how he is doing, and the bottom line is that if I once again have to find out for myself that he is using again, then I leave. If something triggers a bad memory or a reaction in me (something he says or does, something we are watching on tv, or a news item), then I tell him, and tell him exactly why it makes me feel so terrible. He has to own this! The best thing is that on a day-to-day basis, everything is fine, and we now have a level of honesty between us that was missing before (about everything - not just the porn). My partner taking real and genuine responsibility for this situation has been key. I could not have stayed if we had continued to have that elephant in the room. The worst things are the sadness which I think will never go away and the feeling that I may never entirely trust him. Staying has not been easy, but (for me) leaving would have been harder, and I felt I stood to lose more than I would gain. Please give yourself time and space to process what has happened to you. This is not 'all about him and his recovery'. This is about what has happened to you and the impact it has had on you. Be kind to yourself, and whether you go or stay, just make the decision that is right for you.
  24. 1 point
    Hey, sorry to hear what has happened. Look I am just another human in this struggle but surely seeking professional support ASAP is wise.
  25. 1 point
    Hey, Whyme. I hope you are well, congrats on seeking support and I wish you the best of luck. I think seeking support is surely the first step to success here. You are not alone for sure and I am sure most sex addicts can relate to that pain of the urge, doing something that you know is wrong...long term consequences ignored.
×