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  1. 2 points
    Thats the thing. I don't want to just transfer my addictive behaviours to a different addiction. I know I need to address the root cause of what need they are filling for me so I can work out non destructive ways of meeting it. This is so hard, but just being able to talk to people who understand is a comfort.
  2. 2 points
    Hello Desperateforrecovery, Yes, you're at rock bottom. Welcome. I'm here too. So are others. You're not alone. I'm discovering that the compulsions we share LOVE the shame and secrecy and isolation, so good on you for sharing. Keep doing it. I've started with a therapist; absolute key is to be 100% honest with them. If you're not comfortable saying things to your therapist then get another one. I told mine some things that I've never told anyone, thoughts that I've hidden for 30 years. She notes it down and we talk around it. It is liberating. It might not affect whether my wife stays or leaves me but it will affect the future me that I want to be and she will see one day. Keep going to therapy. Have you tried Sex Addicts Anonymous? There is also Sexaholics Anon and Sex & Love Addicts Anon. Hopefully something will be close to you to attend. Try different ones as they are all different, even the different location groups under the same organisation. I've started. the first visit was very scary. But I actually look forward to going, because I know it will make me feel better and I know I can get some support, which is ultimately what it is about. Try the letter. Even if you write it and screw it up afterwards, that means you have got out what was in your head. Keep going and check in often. P.
  3. 2 points
    Hello. Thank you for sharing. And thank you Josh for appearing to us like an angel to give support to the likes of me and 'outofwishes'. Outofwishes - I am only a few weeks into my new life after reality booted it's way in and changed things for ever. My wife and family have to deal with the knowledge that I committed a crime; the social worker from Children's Services has labelled me as a serious risk and my wife is under a ton of strain. Some things I have read have helped and some have terrified me. This time that you are currently in, this limbo between being found out and being convicted is the time when we are becoming free of addiction, free of stupidity, starting therapy and/or 12 step programmes. It is ironic and paradoxical that at the time you are convicted, you will be the most cleansed and risk free of all your adult life. The conviction and sentencing is haunting because at the moment it is unknown. From your wordpress blog you might be lucky and have a non custodial or suspended sentence. Whatever happens, I hope and know that there will be a good you at the end of it. There will be lows, serious lows on the way, but hold on to that as motivation, hold on to the love of your wonderful friends (I sobbed too at that) and hold on to the knowledge that you are now a good person with things to offer. You can talk to people about where porn addiction can take you, you can save another life with that. Sorry, it's a bit of a diatribe this. All the best and perhaps we'll chat again sometime soon. P.
  4. 2 points
    “What worries me is that, how can he ever really be happy with me. How will I ever be enough? How do I really work through this? Will it ever go away? The boundaries are set and he knows that another serious issue would be the end for us” Oh, Judith, I understand that feeling so well. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with it I’m over 2 years into recovery but what I can pass on to you is that you are competing with a ‘thing’, a substance, an object. No one person can ‘compete’ with that thing, that entity that is at the core of the addiction. Not that lady in the picture No individual woman can. Not even that lady can compete with the chemical soup in the brain of a porn/sex addict. They are chasing the high. Judith, you ARE enough It took me a lot of time to get past this mindset but I did. Learning about porn addiction was an enormous help. There is a website called YourBrainOnPorn.com where there is a video that explains what’s going on in the brain of a porn addict. It’s about seeking and novelty, dopamine, creating pathways in the brain, the hijacking of the brain’s reward system and sensitisation to the ‘thing’ they’ve become addicted to. They appear to be people that the addict is seeking out, but it’s not really. They’re just the ‘substance’ that’s needed to get the high. Obviously, the way to feel OK about yourself takes a lot more than understanding what goes on in men’s brains when they look at porn or similar, but it explains what people mean when they say it’s not about the us, that we weren’t the cause of it or that we weren’t good enough. A bit about me. My husband was an internet porn addict for 15 years and before that he was buying magazines and videos from seedy sex shops although I only ever found two magazines on one occasion. He also went to strip bars, which I was never supposed to find out about. In truth, I don’t really know how far it goes back, but as soon as he was online at home I lost him to porn addiction. Eventually we had no sex life whatsover. Zero. Nothing. No interest in me. Never looked at me. Never complimented me. I could have been stark naked and he’d just keep his nose in his book. Eventually I got dressed and undressed in the bathroom. I knew full well about the porn but after if caught him in the first days and weeks of getting online he had all these cleanup apps installed. It really hurt. Deep down I felt rejected because I was over 30 (oh, hahaha, seems so young now) and then I was over 40... and so on. So I thought it was all over. I only managed because I was in denial. I ended up feeling totally rejected and lonely and depressed. Nobody ever touched me or kissed me. I had to ask for a goodnight peck, otherwise he would just turn over and go to sleep. So, did I feel not good enough? In my mind I BELIEVED I was not good enough, never would be, never could be. I didn’t see the depression coming. I developed a sort of adult onset midlife anorexia. I didn’t know it could happen. But it did and it happened to me. I developed body dysmorphia. I was shrinking away to nothing because I believed I had no right to take up space. Hiding my ‘hideous’ body from my husband was so easy because it would never occur to him to look. Privately I could see I was emaciated. And then one day I saw myself in the mirror and had a depressive breakdown. My only thought at the time was “he’ll never want me now. Everything I once was has gone forevermore”. That was how far it had to go before he quit porn, and even then it was only the beginning of all the pain of discovering the extent of this habit and all the lying. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. I wasn’t his porn type. I soon discovered that. I had gone through my early adult life with this enviable physique and I’d pretty much stayed the same shape but I wasn’t some 36GG painted Barbie. I didn’t have a negative body image at all. But somehow, in midlife I ended up painfully thin and frail with body dysmorphia disorder, and that was before I had any idea about what he sought out in porn. I stopped neglecting my appearance. I treated myself to some new clothes. I coloured my hair. I bought some nail varnish. I started eating more. I was clinically underweight and it took some time to gain weight. I didn’t want to eat junk either. I bought some self help books. Gael Lindenfield does some good ones on building self esteem. I tried to get back to my previous interests and hobbies though this was hard because I was so distressed and preoccupied as the reality of my husband’s addiction behaviours slowly tricked out, and I was traumatised over and over with new discoveries followed by lying and denial. It was hell. I bought myself some cheap exercise books and biros and I wrote and wrote and wrote to get it all out of my system. My anger, my hatred for porn, and the industries that make money from this misery, the difficult emotions about my husband. I journalled a lot. I saw my GP who arranged counsellor. Not brilliant but it was support for me. Not for us as a couple but just for me. I couldn’t deal with it along. My husband began to appreciate me physically after d day but to be honest this was more of a honeymoon period. As soon as I raised an awkward issue or when I discovered more evidence of his acting out which he would deny, this would create rifts which he did not have the skills and maturity to deal with. So I noticed the compliments were not so forthcoming. And then one day something lit up in my mind — I don’t need his compliments to feel worthwhile. If he doesn’t notice, then so what? I notice! I can see who’s looking back at me in the mirror, and she’s an impressive lady. He’s a man with a problem, he’s a porn addict, and I’m not going to let his behaviour that caused so many problems for me decide whether or not I’m going to feel good about myself. So so that’s how it began. That was my turning point. Of course it’s not that easy. There are many difficult and upsetting moments, but the important thing is to uncouple yourself from his ‘approval’. It’s late and I’ve been writing for ages so i’ll stop. I hope this helps. I still get upset about it all. I still feel like an ugly nobody at times. I still feel wretched when I have my doubts and suspicions. Our ‘recovery’ is far from ideal. But I know that where he is lacking, I must continue to work on my own personal healing.
  5. 1 point
    We are all visiting this forum for one reason or another. --- How are you? How is your day going? P.
  6. 1 point
    Hi, This is my journey through addiction, I hope it can help others see there is a way out. I first struggled with alcohol addiction and went to rehab in 2006, there it was quickly identified that my primary addiction was indeed sex addiction. I was hoffied and in complete denial. I refused to accept it and labeled myself an alcoholic. I carried on relapsing with alcohol and stayed in complete denial about SA until July 2007. Then my partner found out about my affairs and I told him I had been told I was a sex addict. But really I wasn't ready to accept it myself. After another two trips to rehab, I finally managed to stop drinking in September 2009, and started my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous using the 12 step program. I managed to be faithful and not act out until February 2012. Then because all I had done in my recovery up until then, was deal with some of the symptoms (ie drinking) and I had been too afraid to look at the root causes and deal with the real issue,which was sex addiction I relapsed into SA. I tried to convince myself it was actually a new love of my life (even though I desperately loved my partner) and that it was not me using men to deal with my fears,shame, insecurities and pain. It escalated over the next 4 years to many sexual encounters and I came more insane and irrational. Eventually my partner found out again and I was ready to accept my real problems. I went to Paula Hall (as my partner had previously had some partners counselling with her back in 2007 when I was using 12 steps for my recovery). There I was introduced to my therapist and started my real journey into getting well. Too begin with I was still holding onto bits of the truth and lying even to my therapist, but she was patient and she helped me see the need for absolute total honesty. To be honest I didn't know what true honesty was and it took me a while to learn how to be completely honest. I was so ashamed and so afraid to face all what I had done. But I knew that to deal with this meant dealing with the causes of my addictions, not just the symptoms. I had to accept why and how had I became so dependant on sex and lust to fill the pain inside me. The journey was painful and extremely hard at times, but I had the most amazing therapist and I was able to totally trust her in a way I had never trusted anyone. Over the years I have had some many people try and help me but she was different, she understood me and my issues totally. i will forever be so grateful to her. I spent 20 months going to see her once a week and I believe I needed that much time to really process my issues. One thing I did regret was D Day and trying to go through disclosure with my partner on our own and too early. As I took so long to be able to be completely honest, each time I tried to tell the full truth to my partner I either hide something or lied about something or denied it. This caused so much more pain. I wish we had waited until I was honest enough to do it properly. Eventually we did a therapeutic disclosure with two therapists from Paula's practice, which went very well. So I would advise using the therapists to help with this totally. My partner has been amazing and we are still together, I know I have been extremely lucky to have someone who understands my issues and believes in me overcoming them. I am just about to start seeing a new therapist from the practice who is relationship trained, who hopefully can help me further with some of my lasting relationship issues, and take me to a further place of healing. There is a way out, if you can be honest and face yourself and your shame. If there are any other females who would like to talk, I love to make contact, unfortunately the one draw back at the moment is there are not many women coming forward for help, so it can be lonely journey. Cat
  7. 1 point
    That's a very wise thing to say. It wasn't until I was in rehab that I could actually trace my addictive behavior back to being a kid. The guy who ended up with the alcohol and porn was the same one who needed to collect over 200K sports cards when he was 10 or had to beat every videogame he owned the day he got it when he was 12. He was the one who would work 80 hours a week to impress the boss at 22. I knew that my biggest challenge was kicking my addictive personality more than my specific addictions. Alcohol could become food and porn could become gambling very easily. Are those worse? It's really just a matter of semantics. I don't want to end up on a gambling message board anymore than I wanted to end up on a porn one.
  8. 1 point
    TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read blue card. Read Just for Today. Read text from Tools for Recovery Called and spoke with Brendan and Lloyd Attended SAA Swindon. Walked through first draft of my circles with Sponsor Steve. GRATITUDE LIST A reasonable sleep A good shower My wife still communicating with me Stimulating bit of work Fresh air Pleasant lunch Speaking with Brendan Speaking with Lloyd Good SAA meeting Nice hotel
  9. 1 point
    Thanks for this. I'll try and check it out. I just wish porn was my biggest challenge, but unfortunately I crossed it to reality far to long ago. I hope you are managing your stuff. And really do appreciate you taking the time to respond.
  10. 1 point
    Was a reasonable day but got back to my digs to find a tort letter from landlady saying she was giving me notice to move out because I was a couple of days late giving the rent. No reference to fact that first day of month was Easter weekend and I was away, nor the fact that she hadn't even seen me. Had she not insisted on cash I could have had a bank transfer already set up. Still, the house is not as clean as I first thought so I'm not worrying too much. I should find something okay, just could do without the faff. I suppose this stress and annoyance could be a trigger, but I've not acted out so that's one thing. TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list. Rang fellows: Jamie B (voicemail), Nick H (vmail), Richard. Took fellow’s calls: Ross. Read some pages from SAA green book. TODAY’S GRATITUDE LISTGRATITUDE LIST Funny audiobook Speaking with SAA fellows Jammie dodgers Email from Josh New SAA group Nice cup of tea New fellows phone numbers Visiting a new town Reading Staying sober Thanks you for letting me ramble
  11. 1 point
    Hey guys, not really sure what to put here, guess i should have read other posts first. Il just type and see where it takes me. So decided to start a thread and reach out to my fellow sex/porn addicts. I have over the last two days reached the dreaded (my partner) has left me stage, relationship lasted 5 years on this occasion. Prior to this, i knew i cared for her but was very confused over whether i loved my partner or not. You know how our brains work so freaking hard to push us away from the ones we love most. I honestly thought i didn't love her, but would say i love her to myself over and over. My brain/the addiction constantly convinced me into thinking she's not the right one for me, or shes not the right body type or she just doesn't understand porn addiction, or she's losing too much weight or putting on too much weight, the list goes on. She eventually left me few days ago and that's that. Now shes gone, all i can think of is the hell i have put her through and i am seeing more and more connections between my behaviours and porn and how i see woman as a whole. Its fucked from the ground up but i am determined to fight this and beat it. Prior to this week i managed to go for nearly a month without porn, was hard but currently back on the bandwagon over the last 24 hours. Day one of no porn begins tomorrow, wish me luck, need to save up for a rehab placement ideally. Quick question while i'm here, anyone tried Hypnosis to fight this addiction we have? PS Sorry if my grammar is crap.
  12. 1 point
    Ok, it’s started, I’ve properly started with my 12 step SAA programme. Might be coincidence, but today has probably been my calmest day since hitting rock bottom 6 weeks and 6 days ago. One thing that I am starting to get an understanding of, is that I really don’t have any control or influence over the choices that my wife makes. I know that everything here is my fault, that I have caused it, but I don’t have any power over whether she lets me see the children, whether she lets me do some jobs at home such as mowing the grass, whether she gets support from anyone, whether she sorts her access to our joint bank account… nothing is what I have influence over. What I can do is sort my nonsense out. I can take steps to come to terms with my offence, I can take steps with SAA to recover from my selfish behaviours and commit to not doing them again, I can stay with therapy to find deep root causes and to manage some of the obsessions in my head. It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected. I suppose the only down side with feeling a bit buoyant is that I am bound to have a rubbish day at some point, but I hope I can ride it. I made calls to SAA fellows and took calls from SAA fellows today and it all really helps. Spoke to my new sponsor too – Steve. I think he will work me hard, but it really is all down to me. Had a lovely walk with Lily the dog this morning. Out for well over an hour and a half walking across park, fields, bridleway and footpath. She got muddy, wet and rolled in horse poop and needed one hell of a bath afterwards. But I loved it all! TODAY’S ACTIVITIES Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list. Rang fellows: Wayne (voicemail), Kevin, Ross (vmail). Took fellow’s calls: Alan, Simon. Took some time out whilst Dad played some tennis. Read some pages from SAA green book. TODAY’S GRATITUDE LIST Cup of tea in bed from Dad (ha ha – you can tell I’m English) Walking Lily the dog Still, clear, wonderful fresh air Bathing Lily the dog Talking through the first activities of my programme with my sponsor Fresh cooked brunch Speaking with Kevin Taking calls from Alan and Simon Making a mini plan to help Simon Steak Mum and Dad’s love Staying sober for today
  13. 1 point
    Hello Enigmajacq Looking at your later post first, I think you're already winning, because you know you need to work on things. You recognise that you are hurting yourself. A lot of my excuses and justification to myself was also along the lines of 'not illegal', 'not really hurting anyone', 'its not as bad as doing x, y or z'. But over years things escalated to things that were illegal, I did hurt people, I did things that were bad. I hate the situation I'm in right now, but I am determined that it will make a better me out of the back of it. You've probably had a non-sober day in the past. Compare that to day. Last time, you probably didn't recognise it as a non-sober day, you didn't feel bad at your actions, you didn't come here and tell us all about it. You're already winning! Perhaps don't think about what to replace the addiction with, but replace where your triggers kick off. If you get bored easily, maybe keep a sudoko book with you. If you get angry easily, maybe look at starting basic mindfulness. if you get stressed, get your self a punch bag to use. As for you asking if I've been clean, I kept off PMO completely until I had completed my Inner Circle. This turned out to be really important for me in my short journey so far. My head has been telling me that anything I do (e.g. notice a pretty woman in the street) is terrible, I'm bad, so I may as well go an look at a load of porn. That was really exhausting. Doing the inner circle (really honestly) means I know what my definition of abstinence is about. Some things are a bit of an amber warning, but they will get more defined later. It might work for you. It will certainly give yo usomething to think about (link here for the SAA inner circle stuff - https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/) I didn't actually answer your question. My 'clean' means not doing things I now have on my inner circle. I've not done anything on my inner circle for 6 weeks and 5 days now My head has thrown involuntary images at me that could lead me into the those things, but once I've noticed them I have tried to steer clear e.g. by reading, quick bit of exercise, reciting serenity prayer to myself. Hope any of my ramble helps. Feel free to contact if you need to or want to. P.
  14. 1 point
    So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery. I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple. I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next. The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too. I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible. Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can. xx
  15. 1 point
    Be careful....you're moving pretty fast. You've had a lot happen to you, made big changes and assimilating a lot of new things. You recognize the sun still rises and sets and nobody is going to firebomb your car, if they even care at all. There's a thing a lot of people have as they leave inpatient rehab called "Pink Cloud Syndrome". It's when they've stayed away from their addiction for the longest stretch in years, picked up new tools to cope and have had so many breakthroughs and good days with new perspective that they tell themselves, "I've got this". I've seen a lot of people convince themselves everything is going to be fine with their addiction and then something sideswipes them in life and they fall back into their old coping mechanisms. I'm not say it will happen with you, and I certainly hope it doesn't, but the most dangerous thing you can say is, "I got this" because after four relapse-free years, I can tell you the line between "I got this" and "what happened?" is razor thin, and overconfidence and be a narcisist will be the poison.
  16. 1 point
    So officially day 1, thought I'd be full of optimism but it started bad. Woke up all hazy, disorientated and recovering from some harrowing dreams, I wasn't surprised as I knew I was going to have to talk about my mental health with someone. I know I was panicking, looking for a route out. I went straight to an app that I thought would help, but no memes would help me here. The whole time I was getting ready my mind was telling me to run, just pretend to go to the Dr, go get a coffee, no one will know. No one but me, who is desperate to finally beat this. If I give in now ill never start my road to recovery. It took a lot to walk in to the surgery take a seat and wait. I could feel my heart pounding, my temperature started to rise as I could just feel my cheeks blushing. My name was called and I followed a young female Dr into the room, my instant thought was how the f*ck is she going to understand? She will probably just think I'm some kind of pervert. As I sat there I thought just make something up and walk out. I opened my mouth and said I'm still having huge issues with my mental health. Tears welled up and I tried to not cry but it was like trying to cover a burst watermain. Without about 30 seconds and a few words I was a mess, but I had said it. The Dr just sat there and said she will help me, it's just what I needed to hear. After I calmed down I told her about my whole addiction to porn, prostitution and that I need my life back. It's not been mine since I was about 13. I could see the pain in her eyes looking at me but she called a more experienced doctor in, we sat down and talked about my options, what the NHS can offer and medication. I took the leaflet to get help but I won't take medication, not unless I'm at the point of self harm and because of past experiences i don't think I ever will, just like letting my children see me drunk, I won't let that happen. They can't see the things I've seen. I walked away from that building on a high, I felt like this was the beginning and I made a step even though my mind was screaming at me not to. I started to think the 'me' that uses porn is an alter ego, someone I'm not and i need to lock him out of the house, he no longer has the keys, they're mine. If he comes back in it's because I've let him. I know this won't be easy but I need to fight him and all he represents. This may not be a good clinical assessment of my mind but it helps me if I think I'm physically fighting the 'me' of old and every characteristic he represents. After that I told the wife about the help I could get, and then had the most amazing day with her and the kids. It was full of laughter and smiles (a few tantrums from the kids but that's normal When they've had too many treats). I also found last night that having a bath relaxes me, it opens up my mind and helps me get perspective. I'll definitely be having more, I just need to find out what works for me. Same as physical challenges, I've never been a gym goer but in my last job I exceeded everyone's expectations on arduous tasks, I never let my size beat me, I'm built like a runner but I can out perform stronger and faster guys because I just have the mental spirit to never give up on something physical. I just need that attitude with locking him out. This house is mine. So to end it was a positive day, one step at a time. The next task must be the letter, not sure if I can get it done in one day or one week, but I need to maybe count my dreams as they dance around me, one by one put them down in writing and send it away. It's not all my fathers fault, he was the beginning, I was the one that took that issue and ran with it until I'm at the point where I won't run.
  17. 1 point
    Hey Desperate...I'm sure you felt a little bit better after sharing that. Please continue to share. You might even consider starting a blog. It's been a key part of my recovery. You've clearly got some issues with your father and while you're right that they MAY never be resolved, I can guarantee they WILL NOT be resolved if you don't try. Simply by the act of reaching out, even if you're rebuffed, you can clear you conscience that you tried to begin the process of making peace. There are probably a lot of things he doesn't want, or constitutionally can't share, but it's still worth the effort for you to try. I wouldn't spill your heart out in a letter, but rather say you'd like to get together or have a phone call and do it in a more personal forum so you can read the situation and keep it safe for yourself. If you're worried about him trying it again, well, you're not the problem. It seems like an extreme excuse to avoid reaching out, IMO. If you feel you need a support network, they exist. Sex Addict Anonymous and Sexoholics Anonymous are two places to start. Your GP may have more knowledge of what's in your area. Obviously, he should refer you to another therapist. If you have the means and can go more than once a week at first, that's great. Have you actually thought about some kind of inpatient or outpatient rehab? Are you really desperate to kick the habit or do you just feel really bad that you were caught again? It's an important question to answer. You don't have a habit. You can have an addiction and an addict's minds work in strange ways. Like you said, fighting your mind is difficult. NoFap is cool if it works for you. I don't completely agree with their messaging and sometimes feel like they and a few other companies out there are more about selling T-shirts and other trinkets than they are about helping. Good luck, man. I'll be following.
  18. 1 point
    Hello outofwishes, Just checking in with you. How are you getting on? P.
  19. 1 point
    P is right. It is ironic that we face the music when we are at our healthiest, but I think that's also a good thing. I viewed my sentence (ended up serving 6 months) through objective eyes. You can't do what I did and expect to get away with it. Being punished was a huge part of my recovery and I'm thankful I was at my healthiest when I was punished so I could truly appreciate the price I was paying. Don't be fooled into thinking the police stopped the addiction. You can be scared straight, and I certainly experienced a lot of that, but you can't have an addiction scared out of you on a cellular level. Stick with your program, seek fellowship with others and, for me, one-on-one and group counseling have been huge keys to my recovery success. Also, keep writing about it. Granted, I've been a professional writer for more than 20 years, but I've yet to meet the person who isn't helped my putting their thoughts on paper. You don't have to write them here, or blog, or do a book like I did. There were plenty of times I wrote things and then tore them up and threw them away. It's just a matter of getting the mental garbage out of your system. Don't worry about your friends. Those who love you and understand addiction aren't let down. They're concerned for your well-being. You let yourself down, and that's a harder wound to fix. Yes, there will be people who cannot see beyond your crime and will forever label you a certain way. It doesn't matter. They clearly don't know you as well as you thought and they don't have the kind of compassion you require, so let them go. With your real friends, this will be something that happened to you, and something you deal with, but it will just become part of your ongoing history.
  20. 1 point
    I'm American, so I can't say 100% what it looks like assuming you're in the UK, but a lot of it has to do with what you have NOW, meaning cars, houses, etc. I've found in most cases, horror stories of insurance, loans, etc. have been overblown. That said, there are a lot of restrictions where a registered sex offender can live and it varies from town-to-town in the US. I wouldn't want to try to find an apartment now. Thankfully, since I've had my house almost 15 years, I'm grandfathered in on most. Ironically, since I've pulled my life together, my credit score has actually greatly improved since my conviction. I am on probation for three years, with about a year left. At first, I had to report to the officer every other week and there were periodic checks of my house. I also had to take two lie detector tests in the first year. Once it was established that I'm low-risk for reoffending, it's been much easier. I check-in once a month and usually he just looks at me and says "Everything good? Any questions?" and then I move on with my day. We built trust and I've shown that I've learned my lesson. So, your relationship with law enforcement will be the tightest immediately after your conviction, but it does get better. I was fired the day I was arrested...and because of my visibility in my community...I was all over the media. I will most likely never work for someone again in a white-collar environment. So I started freelance writing on my own, wrote my book and actually now make more money doing less work than I did before the conviction. And yes, I'm on the register in America for life. But that just involves checking in with the police where I live every 3 months. Sure, it's a pain sometimes, but I look at it as a good reminder to stay in recovery and a small penance considering I created victims. My best advice to you is use this time now to get your stuff together. Find out why you did what you did -- it's a long process, or at least it was for me -- and it involved a formula of reasons I couldn't have guessed when it first happened. You should have nothing to worry about with the police checking on you if you have nothing to hide. Live a life of honesty with your family and friends. I saw on your blog that your friends were great...people usually are. Some aren't, but that's their problem, not yours. Your life will be forever different, there is no denying that, but despite the hoops you'll be made to jump through both in the short- and long-term, you may find that a couple of years from now, this was just the thing you needed to turn around. Consider checking out my blog at www.RecoveringPornAddict.com for more about my story.
  21. 1 point
    I'm glad you're writing about this for everyone to read on your blog. I looked through a few articles, followed it, and you are going exactly what I did four years ago. It will get better. Figure out why it really, really happened (and that takes time), develop the tools to not let it happen again and then share your story to help others. That's been my recovery path and it's made my life so much better. Yes, you will deal with a lot of static with insurance, loans, etc., once you're a convicted sex offender, but honestly, you learn ways to deal with it (put the house in someone else's name, for instance) and at least for me, I find that the trade-off for the life I live now is more than worth it.
  22. 1 point
    Hi Hannah, I would like to offer a different perspective. I am someone who wants to know that if I ask for information it will be given to me. I am 8 months down the road form D-day and in the beginning I didn’t ask for information as I was unsure whether he could be trusted to tell the truth. Now, all these months later, and with intensive therapy, I feel that my husband owes me the truth. I feel that without this I could not move forward. Also, not knowing stuff felt like he had got away with it. So whilst Rob has said it would make him feel shame, well so be it - when faced with the question, “why do you want to know what happened?”, then my answer would be, “why shouldn’t you tell the truth, you have acted without any regard for me and you want me not to ask? Well tough, you did it, now face up to what you have done.” That might sound like I am seeking revenge, and in a sense maybe I am. But I am not interested in throwing all this back at him, it is just that I need to be clear about what has taken place throughout 24 years of a 27 year marriage. So, I know that he visited prostitutes on a frequent basis and that with the advent of easy access online porn these visits became more extreme in content. I know the towns and cities where they occurred, including the town where we live, but not exact locations. I know that in the main it was for paid ‘regular sex’ but in recent times there were a lot of ‘extra-curricular’ activities, if you get my meaning. This has come out this weekend, after him doing his step 5 of the 12 step programme. I felt that having come clean to somebody else it was now my turn. The way we did this was I asked questions and if needed he referred to the list which I had not read. The extent of his acting out was quite shocking, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t know that, however shameful it was for him. I am obviously upset, angry and hurt, but I truly don’t think I could have continued to live with him, if he hadn’t been prepared to tell what I wanted to know. So in short, my answer to your question should be, if you want to know more then that information should be forthcoming. I did not accept the excuse ‘it wouldn’t be good for me to know’ as that is my decision to make and no one else’s.
  23. 1 point
    As Christine says, there is no right or wrong in this - only what feels right and makes sense to you. First and foremost, take care of yourself. I am the same age as you and can understand how devastating it is to find out that your partner of so many years has been deceiving you all this time. In my case it was 'only' a porn addiction, which started when he was a teenager. There have been several times over the years when this has come to a head and he has told me he was giving it all up - only to go back to it at some time afterwards. And each time he has returned to porn, the type of thing he has been viewing has become more extreme and more at odds with the kind of man he appears to be. We had our rocky patches over the years (and looking back now, I wonder how many of those were when his porn addiction was at its worst), but despite everything I still enjoyed his company, he still made me laugh, he was a good father to our children and he was still my best friend. On the last occasion (18 months ago), I was where you are now, and had decided to end the marriage. I have since changed my mind, and would like to share my reasons with you. Firstly, I did some research into porn addiction, so that I could begin to understand why and how it comes about, and what the chances are for recovery. I reached out to other women through on-line forums (like this one), so that I felt I had some support and that someone else understood where I was coming from. Finally, I told my partner that if he wanted our relationship to continue, it was up to him to make the running. Basically, I took a step back and made it clear that this was his problem and it was up to him to fix it. His responsibility to save the marriage and not mine. He had ruined our relationship, not me. The turning point was when he decided to come clean about his porn habit - the kind of thing he was watching, when he watched, why he watched. I recognised how difficult this was for him to say (and how difficult it was for me to hear). This was the first time, in more than 40 years, that we had properly talked about it. He did some reading and spoke to some counsellors and was able after a short while to talk to me about how he was fighting this and what he was doing to stay clean. I made the decision at that point to wait six months to decide whether to go or stay (I didn't tell him this). I decided to stay, but I now feel it is my right to ask him, at any point, if he is still clean and to expect an honest answer. I make it clear to him that I expect him, from time to time, to let me know how he is doing, and the bottom line is that if I once again have to find out for myself that he is using again, then I leave. If something triggers a bad memory or a reaction in me (something he says or does, something we are watching on tv, or a news item), then I tell him, and tell him exactly why it makes me feel so terrible. He has to own this! The best thing is that on a day-to-day basis, everything is fine, and we now have a level of honesty between us that was missing before (about everything - not just the porn). My partner taking real and genuine responsibility for this situation has been key. I could not have stayed if we had continued to have that elephant in the room. The worst things are the sadness which I think will never go away and the feeling that I may never entirely trust him. Staying has not been easy, but (for me) leaving would have been harder, and I felt I stood to lose more than I would gain. Please give yourself time and space to process what has happened to you. This is not 'all about him and his recovery'. This is about what has happened to you and the impact it has had on you. Be kind to yourself, and whether you go or stay, just make the decision that is right for you.
  24. 1 point
    Hey, Whyme. I hope you are well, congrats on seeking support and I wish you the best of luck. I think seeking support is surely the first step to success here. You are not alone for sure and I am sure most sex addicts can relate to that pain of the urge, doing something that you know is wrong...long term consequences ignored.
  25. 1 point
    Here is a list of various links and websites I've collected over the past year or so as I've been tackling my problem with porn. I hope they're useful for other guys who come here maybe not knowing very much about porn and sex addiction so you can understand: You're not the only person with this problem at allThere is help out there and it's never too late to changeWebsite Resources Am I an addict? - A quick test if you're not sure. What is Porn Addiction? - A breakdown if you're just getting started learning about this problem. Emergency NoFap - A useful quick inspirational site when you're feeling triggered or tempted to remind you why you're becoming a better man. Homepage for me. Your Brain On Porn - Huge website containing many resources to educate yourself about the effect of porn on the brain and to get help. Reboot Nation - Gabe Deem's website containing another great set of resources and a forum. Recovery Nation - Free self-help website for sex addicts, love addicts and porn addicts. Fight the New Drug - Buy a t-shirt. Great set of educational material and an eye-opener. Porn Addiction is the Best Thing That Happened To Me - Great end-to-end set of resources from a guy who's done it. My Thoughts On Rebooting - Very long and detailed set of notes and crucial advice from another guy who's been there and mastered himself. Great stuff. If you've got an hour to look at porn, you've got an hour to read all this. 50 Reasons to Quit Porn For Good - So many benefits to be gained from shifting this addiction out of your life. The Recovery Workshop - Self-directed recovery workshop resource. YouTube Videos The Great Porn Experiment - Arguably the most revolutionary and revealing TEDx talk about the real nature of pornography and it's impact from Gary Wilson. A must watch if you see nothing else! Terry Crews Dirty Little Secret: Part 1 - Hugely inspirational and brutal self-honesty from Mr Crews, much love and respect to him. A great man who's been making real change. Follow the YouTube links to part 2 onwards. Why I Stopped Watching Porn - Another brilliant TEDx talk to help you see how things really are. Huge respect to Mr Gavrieli to deliver such a worldclass talk on such a personal topic to so many people. We Need to Talk About Sex Addiction - Paula's fantastic TEDx talk, honestly and compassionately understanding sex addiction. Other Online Forums Your Brain Rebalanced - Huge community of other guys struggling to get their lives back after porn and sexual addiction problems. Reboot Nation Forum - Many people here to connect with, mostly addicts but also a small and growing partner's section.
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