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Showing content with the highest reputation since 11/16/2018 in all areas

  1. 2 points
    Your husband clearly has a problem (or problems) that have made your life a living hell and you shouldn't have to stand for it. If you want a divorce, don't ask for it. Demand it. Get it done. I won't get into my entire story, but I did a fair amount of catfishing back in the day, but this brings it to another level. He's pimping you out and forcing you to film in. That could be considered a criminal act depending how he coerced you. At the least it's mental cruelty. This is just me, I but after seeing what he's done with your stepson, it's just another step before he's messing with your daughter. He's clearly and unwell man and for the sake of the children, and you, this is not somebody who should be in your life when they are this sick. I do have pity for your husband. He is very ill and needs some serious long-term help and while you can nudge him in the direction, it's on him to get himself well and it's on you to make sure your kids and you are safe. Don't call the cops...it feels like the right thing to do in the moment, but it will embarrass your son and put your husband through a series of situations that you may not fully understand. I would not do this without speaking to your son first, and I'm still not sure it's the right thing to do. Who cares what you tell people? Tell them: "We've grown apart" "He made some decisions I don't agree with" "It's run it's course" "We fell out of love" It doesn't matter what people think about your divorce. It's a lot easier to tell them about your divorce than about the stuff he's been doing. For your sake and the kids' you've got to get moving on this.
  2. 1 point
    It seems that you must put some distance between yourself (and children) and this man for safety's sake and a divorce is clearly a sensible option as the other posters here have said. I agree with Josh that involving the police is a huge step and you need to be sure that there is no other option to get the outcomes you want; especially the safety of your daughter. But I would just add this; few are beyond redemption. Right now you need to feel safe and separation seems pretty much unavoidable, possibly for many years. But if your husband genuinely seeks change, there may come a time (years hence) when he can take some part in the life of you and your children; the man you loved, married and had a child with is still in there somewhere. That said, the well-being of yourself and children must come first and building a life without your husband seems to be your priority now.
  3. 1 point
    Hi Kate, thank you for your message and the link. Nearly 3 months on from my post. We’ve both been seeing separate therapists for a couple of months. Think the outcome is we’re toxic together. I do still love him dearly, but the bickering and arguing is killing us both. We’ve agreed to see the year out together. You sound in need of someoto talk to. Are you ok?
  4. 1 point
    Thanks tutu I know you are right he has things he needs to deal with and I need to better understand time will help I suppose. Many thanks to you and Christine so grateful I've found this site and everyone here is so supportive it's great I hope I can give back to others sometime.
  5. 1 point
    Hi Kate! I hope you are very well! This are some online forums you can write in: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php / http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php / https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/ ll they have sections for partners. I also recommend you the book "Porn Addict's Wife" by Sandy Brown https://amzn.to/2QqVrkA it has a lot to know about this matter and for your husband this is a very good book "Porn Addiction Cure" by Matt Peplinski https://amzn.to/2PaHgeP it is one of the better books I had found, it also has an online course you can buy with this coupon https://www.udemy.com/sexual-addiction-recovery/?couponCode=BOOKOWNER1 for $9.99 and get the book for free when you are in the course. I imagine you already know about yourbrainonporn.com by Gary Wilson. The book of Sandy Brown would be a great resource for you I hope!
  6. 1 point
    I was addicted to marihuana for 14 years, to alcohol for some other years and to porn for almost 26 years (since I had ten) so I can tell you that multiple addictions are common, maybe not usual, but well some of we had been addicted wothout know about it... For me my life was normal as all my friends are addicted too, so 1 year ago I had told you that I was a happy normal person, so maybe your husband is someone like me, work in yourself, and let him work on himself, keep with him until you can, start talking with love, and try to understand where his addictions live so he can understand what is going on.... As Christine told you this is his live and he has to work on his therapy for himself first... Take care on you, and support him as much as you can, but don´t leave this that ruin your life as well, go a step by step, one day at a time, love for you and for him. You will win this fight!
  7. 1 point
    Kate 2018 Thank you so much for your support, is so valuable for me, I had relapsed some times this past week, with PMO so I'm restarting on Hard Mode again, I'm on my 5° day again, the urges had been so hard and difficult to control, but I feel so well because I'm going again, it is hard but it is achievable, so I will go again... I do a lot of things to control the urges, also I lost my wife for my addiction so I'm alonte on this with this, I have some friends that are supporting me, but anyway this is a problem I have to win alone, nobody excepts me can do nothing, so I will win my 90 days on sobriety this time. I really appreciate your help! You are a great person, please never leave alone to your husband, give him your support as you are doing, this is the worse addiction I had fought with, recovery is not easy, but is achievable, so you husband is very, very lucky having you there, what you do is a great action of love and compassion. If any time you want to ask me something or just talk about this, please feel free to contact me, would be a pleasure to talk and share whatever you want to know in order to support your husband... So let's keep going with this!
  8. 1 point
    Hi Kate. Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear you’ve also been put in such a dreadful position. I was going to write that I’m sorry you’re also a victim but then I thought about it and wondered whether or not that’s what we are ? Yes it’s hell and yes it’s sonething I never ever ever thought I’d be a part of but I’m not sure if I’m a victim.....hmmm. Anyway I agree Paula Halls books for the partners and the perpetrators are really good and I’ll also try the other you recommend. I find those that have an overly religious theme or tone off putting - at least for me as I’m not remotely religious in any way. I do have a SA therapist who is amazing but at the start of this we didn’t know such a thing existed and so my husband sought help from a counsellor specialised in childhood abuse. We thought that was the right way forward to be fair. We didn’t make the link to SA at all then. It came later. However I think now, whilst the therapy is I hope helping him come to terms with what’s buried deep from childhood, nothing seems to come from it to help the ‘us’ in all of this. It makes me despair that he’s 7 months into therapy and I see no concrete evidence or demonstration of how it is helping him to take responsibility for what he’s done, be accountable and help us as a couple rebuild. So I’d say as a warning to anyone faced with an SA partner, finding the right support is vital. At least he’s now coming to the disclosure part with my SA specialist so maybe there’s hope. Two months in ......I can remember that time and even then wanting to know every detail from the off and being ‘hit’ on a daily basis with waves of anger despair and then oddly, revelation about something which at the time I hadn’t been able to fathom. It might have been an explanation for where he’d been or a timing that didn’t quite fit with what he’d said he was doing which didn’t quite add up. Another was people saying they’d seen my car in a location thst I knew wasn’t me and shouldn’t have been my husband that I puzzled about and then shrugged off. Little instances at the time but now of course I realise why. He was out finding it meeting men. There was a point when I actually considered I may have early onset dementia as these instances got me so puzzled and I told my husband I was considering going to see my GP about it. Even that didn’t stop him . Being only a few months ahead of you on the journey I may not really be in a position to help but what I can say is focus on you and your needs and those if your children if that’s applicable. I have started to concentrate on parts of my life that don’t involve him but where I can be strong and find focus away from the horror, even if only for a short while . I’ve started to do more exercise, take my dogs on walks in places that are open and I can see for miles and breathe! I go to talks and concerts and things I wouldn’t have done before - it’s helping me a lot . My children get a lot more of my attention now as well because I want them to know my love for them won’t waiver no matter what and they need support thru all this too so I’m there for them . I hold with hope and believe somehow like many other women, and men too I guess, I will get through it one day and emerge the other end battered maybe, but stronger for it I hope my ramblings help you a little . R
  9. 1 point
    Hi everyone I'm new here. So sorry for the long post in advance! I have recently found out that my husband is a possible porn/sex addict. We have been together for 22 years, since high school. Not sure where to start but here goes. I was 14 when we met he was 17 he seemed to head over heels and has always made out that he is crazy about me hes very quiet and seemed very sensitive. When we would be out and about in our early days I used to notice how much he was ogling women, I did explain that I felt this was disrespectful and that he should not do it it hurt my feelings. I had been a model in my later teens so thought I was attractive enough to keep his attention obviously not, he actually use to tell me regularly I was crazy he said would never do that to you what do you take me for as if I love you etc. Stupidly and blinded by love I believed him or wanted to and decided it was jealousy on my part so pushed it aside I've seen him since but ignored it until recently. We just returned from a family holiday in a villa my brother in law brought his new girlfriend and her daughter of 17 she's same age as our daughter, my husband was wholly and completely distracted by the girl and hardly spoke to me all week the girl appeared to be flirting and enjoyed the attention as teenagers sometimes do so it was pretty awful he was constantly focused on her. I wanted to come home, half way through the week I told him to stop it it was wrong keep ogling the young girl he's nearly 40 and made me feel worthless and she's the same age as our daughter, he swore on our kids lives he wasnt but he's later confessed that he was and was having sexual thoughts it's like a knife in my chest. During the holiday he did something very random unlike him he walked into the shower whilst I was showering and started foreplay I was shocked I told him to stop he ws upset by this. I believe he was checking out the girl again and following his fantasy it makes me feel sick. our sex life was amazing in the most part but odd times he would be rough pulling my hair or positions he's never wanted to try. Then sometimes he'd have no interest at all. Although around the time my gut feeling was nagging me a couple of years ago he started trying it on whilst I was asleep and times I'd let him once awoken be living he really wanted me this went on for over a year more or less every night and suddenly stopped I'm not sure if this is common or not or has anything to do with this. However since returning home I have had a funny feeling a feeling that really has been off and on for some time you see I smelt perfume on him and there were nights he'd go out drinking and not come home work away etc. I started going through laptop after hols and found loads of nude pics porn 4 dating sites etc. He denied it all then finally admitted it that he oggles women all the time and the girl on holiday problem is we have to see them it's his brothers girlfriends daughter who will be attending family events. He admitted he watches porn daily always has since teenage years sometimes he watches more sometimes not but times after we have sex, but says he never chatted or met up with women, quite frankly after 22 years of deceit and making me think I'm mad I don't believe him I believe my instinct and I am positive something has gone on with other women at some point, there's pictures on the data files on laptop that look like everyday women in bras skimpy clothes. They all seem to be dark haired I'm blonde that also makes me wonder if I was really what he wanted my confidence is shattered probably lower than I have ever felt in my life I'm totally heartbroken I've lost over a stone in 3 weeks. have got a therapist for myself starts next week. Also Google maps time line places him at an address regularly I found out its a single women's house appears he's been there on at least 40 occasions but he still denies it I know maps can be off at times but surely not so much everything else is right and he agreed all other timelines were correct . Now and then I get snippets of more lies I keep catching him out. There's so much he's hidden at one point had 3 mobiles but until now I never questioned him I trusted him with my life I know that sounds silly why 3 phones/ different numbers he's an engineer and one is work one privatel one was broke he said but I don't think it was and I've now got the sd card and phone records. In the last few weeks things have been manic my husband seems almost lost I'm either angry or crying or stressing searching for more evidence I can't sleep etc. He's the love of my life and Im devastated. He is going to see a sex therapist on Saturday I'm going for the first appointment this is good. However he seems ashamed he has told me how sorry he is and that he never meant to cause any pain he loves me and has never had sex with anyone else, but his actions seem unlike a person who is remorseful I mean he's still not communicating with me hardly he also tried to blame me after an argument the other day, I told him straight this is his addiction and not my problem. I also found out he's had a gambling problem really bad for 8 years again he lied to me until confronted with bank statements. Sorry to go on but any support from fellow members would be appreciated it's difficult to talk to anyone who I'm close with as this is so personal I don't want others to know details. Thanks in advance x
  10. 1 point
    So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery. I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple. I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next. The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too. I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible. Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can. xx