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Hi Tracy, Your post really resonated with me. I've only discovered this forum this morning and am still reeling from a similar discovery 2 weeks ago. You're not alone. I've found Paula Hall's book "Sex Addiction: the Partner's Perspective" really, really useful. My husband and I have both started individual therapy which is really beneficial - particularly for helping you deal with the betrayal trauma. I'm finding the hardest thing to deal with is feeling like the last 2 decades together have been a deceitful construction. My therapist has assured me that my husband is the same person I fell in love with, there's just a hidden side I don't understand (and he doesn't either!). For what it's worth (and as I say, I'm in the very early stages of discovery too), the advice I've received so far is: A) be kind to yourself, one day at a time B) don't make any big decisions for a few months C) focus on your own personal growth and self esteem D) get support, you need to offload E) acquire knowledge about the subject F) stay off the drink. I'm a daily gin drinker, but I've been avoiding alcohol since discovery. The last thing I need is to become dependent on it to control my mood (after all, that's where he's at, just with a different addiction). Plus I need to be able to drive away if I'm having a particularly bad reaction to a trigger. I've only just joined the page, but feel free to message. The grief, betrayal and isolation that partners feel with this addiction are heartbreaking and its good to offload and share xx

Does anyone else ever feel guilty for staying with their partner after finding out about their sex addiction? My husband hasn’t visited a sex worker in 6 months and whilst I am proud of him, I am currently struggling with my own sense of self regarding my decision to stay and not leave. I have always rationalised that there are so many good parts to the relationship and that if he were addicted to anything else then I probably wouldn’t question the decision to stay. I was just wondering how others manage with these feelings.

Hi, looking for some advice, we're together 15 years and married 13. I've known for so long now (5 years +) and looking back it's always been an issue, he's on hundreds of sites a day. I've ask to discuss it but he gets so angry and implies it's my fault (he stopped physical relationship as soon as we married) as I'm frigid (I am now as hate what he looks at). I need experience of how you had conversation and how to start it and even if he gets angry how to continue talking and if needs be ending our relationship. I'm scared (always been scared of confrontation) is there anyway to make it go more smoothly Thanks

Thank you. I'm trying to keep positive and moving forward x

Hi @soniaim in the Uk and polygraph testing isn’t the norm here, to be fair they aren’t reliable enough to be used in court so it isn’t something I would rely on anyway. I did far too much digging at discovery and now know more than was healthy for me. I recommend that people get full disclosure but not the details. The reason I feel this is because as you stated, the horrible mind movies that torment you especially in the early months. I promise it does get easier, or at least most betrayed partners I’ve spoken to along with myself have found this to be the case. It won’t be perfect and there will be moments it jumps into your brain but handling it gets better the more you heal yourself. Can they stop? Thousands upon thousands of addicts have managed to stop their acting out behaviours because they wanted to be rid of it and to have a better more fulfilling life with real connections. They have to continually make sure they maintain their recovery, therapy SAA meetings, fellowship etc but yes it is possible. My husband has been sober since d/day January 2023, and although it’s early days I can honestly say that the man he is today was robbed for 35 years of being an amazing human by his addiction, he has so much more zest for life and is on the whole much happier. He likes his life more now and more importantly he now likes himself. I wish you all the best and I’m here if you need any advice or just someone to listen x

Thank you for your replies, I have read and listened to vast amounts on sex addiction for the last month. I feel I'm now getting an insight into this addiction. May I ask if anyone has asked their partner to take a polygraphy test? Or has your partner taken one? Is polygraphy testing something as partners we need to ask for or is this me trying to control the situation? I'm wondering if this is the direction I need to go in the next months and for our life if we stay togethet? Just to identify if my husband had acted out or not? I've also done the thing that therapist state not to ask which is the details. I've now got vast amounts of images of my husband in acts going round my head in detail. I wonder now if I will always look at him and visualize these images in my head. My next racing thought is how can someone stop this behaviour if it's been part of their life since the age of 9? Which is the age he started using pornographic material. He only has me, husband therapist and 12 step group. No friends as porn has been his friend. I thank you for your responses and just for listening. I've realised life is a very lonely place.

Hello all, I am glad to have come across this group, about two years ago I realised my husband was having an affair with a work colleague. So I thought only to realised he has had multiple affairs in our 20 years of marriage. He started seeing a therapist with Paula Hall, we put boundaries in place a CCTV camera in the house and shared our location this seems to work for some times only just to find out that my husband had switched of the camera in my absence and had acted out. I felt like the world was crashing down just when I thought I was regaining trust, I have never had a therapist myself and I am really struggling. My husband wants to start therapy again and I am so confused and so pained, my husband said he can not control himself and he finds it difficult to confined in me. The house is tensed I feel very worthless and feels I have lost myself value.

Facts! Yes! 100%! Although addiction is a real thing, I think you were addicted to alcohol, porn, sex etc., you simply broke these addictions one by one. But ultimately what you're saying underpins the difference between abstinence and recovery. Recovery means learning to live your life mindfully, not just stopping unwanted numbing/exciting/escapist behaviour.

I am so sorry. I’m in a similar situation. My husband mostly acted out with men for years, I never knew. Finally came out when he got an std and landed him in the hospital for a week. I have read and researched everything and constantly asked him why men. The best explanation we both have found was in a book titled Mending A Shattered Heart by Carnes. Read chapter twelve and also have your husband read it and see if anything stands out. Most days I still don’t trust my husband on his sexuality. He claims all lustful thoughts for men are gone now that he is out of the addiction. Again, I am so sorry. Please message me if you want to talk more!

So sorry you are going through this. I would only repeat the great advice above. I'm 6 months from finding out and understanding your feelings so clearly. Try to take care of yourself the best you can, don't put pressure on yourself to make any decisions right away. I promise things will start feel better, it just takes time and for the shock of the trauma to settle. I didn't think I could get through it when it happened to me, but I did and I'm out of the other side. You will get through this too. Paula Hall's book for partners is a resource I recommend and reading it helped me a lot. But I know it's very early days so again no pressure to do anything too difficult right now. Consider seeking out a therapist who is trained to deal with betrayal trauma, I've found so much support from mine. I've had great support from people on here, so please know that we are all here for you. Take care and sending you lots of love and strength xx

Hi @Tracyyou have received some brilliant advice from @Chandon The journey you have found yourself on is going to be the toughest you’ve ever faced but I can promise you that everyone here will do our best to support, advice and hopefully guide you. We have all had to educate ourselves on the subject of sex/porn addiction and it is mind blowing how prevalent it actually is. The one thing that will eventually give you comfort (it will take lots of time) is that this addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. Look at all the celebrities who are married to rich, beautiful and successful women who still have fallen into this addiction. Sex/porn addiction generally stems from faulty core beliefs that usually start in childhood, feelings of low self worth that allow this addiction to hijack their brains and self soothing from masturbation becomes their go to. Over time this no longer serves its purpose and escalates beyond their control and further risk taking is used until the dark passenger is now in control of their lives and it will do anything to prevent them gaining control and ridding themselves of this problem. Therapy and SAA are a must as it is not something they can control themselves. My husband found the Pivotal from Paula Hall to be his lightbulb moment. Please look after yourself, eat properly, sleep is a priority along with getting yourself some therapy. You are suffering from betrayal trauma and likely will have PTSD symptoms which you need to address. Please reach out if I can be of any help, sending you lots of love and hugs and please continue to visit here whenever possible.

Hi @FlothebeagleI agree with @Chandon as I am also in a similar situation. My husband did not have gay sex but everything else is a carbon copy of your relationship. I have spoke to men who are sex addicts who have turned to gay sex and the common reason given was accessibility and also that money didn’t change hands so it was easier due to shared finances. Your priority at this moment is you, you cannot afford to worry about his recovery as it isn’t something you have control of (believe me I know how hard it can be), it’s natural to want to know what they are doing, where they are going. But that will be to your detriment, focus on yourself, eat well, exercise, even if it’s just going for a walk. Get as much rest as you’re able. Spend time with friends, family (you don’t need to tell them what is going on in your relationship if you decide not to) but finding joy and some happiness will be of comfort to you. You can support him and help him find resources eg therapy SAA but you can’t make him use them if he doesn’t want to. As Chandon says stay, leave, in-house separation aren’t things to prioritise at the minute, 6-12 months before making any major decisions was the best advice I ever received. My husband and I are still together after discovery January 2023, it has been the hardest year of my life but we are now happy again. The fact I now have the choice to stay based on knowledge and not from being lied to and manipulated is something I’m proud of, it takes just as much courage to stay as it does to leave. Im here if you need any advice or help on what worked for me. Take care and sending lots of your way.

Hello Tracey, It’s so sad to hear the despair in your message. I’m 17 months into this and I can remember all the feelings of desperation you describe. It does get better please keep in contact on this forum. It can take a while for people to respond but the support is amazing. You are hurt, wounded, betrayed and broken but I will put a lot of money on the fact that your partner didn’t do this to you. The wounds from the behaviour has hurt you but the need to act this way has nothing to do with you but from way back before he ever knew you. I found great comfort learning about Sex addiction and understanding it. I still have wounds and triggers and our relationship is forever changed but I promise you whatever happens it does get better. Message me if you are in need of any help. I’m happy to assist with your recovery. I found Dr Robert Weiss extremely supportive. Look online, YouTube and seeking integrity for podcasts and lots of free educational media. Wetonglen is an amazing resource for partners at many stages of recovery let me know if you want any more information. Don’t make any decisions yet. Do nothing but survive and take good care of yourself. It’s all about you for now. Get your life jacked on and float. You won’t feel this way forever I promise x You can leave , tell friends, ruin everything at anytime but don’t do it hot headed and regret it later. Wait until things settle as you may feel differently in a few months.

@Flothebeaglehello I’m so sorry you have to turn to us here for support. There is a wealth of advice but it can be often days or weeks before someone reaches out so hang in there. Our stories are similar but some of the behaviours are different. Unfortunately I can’t answer your question. I’ve heard from my husband who has also been gripped by this addiction from a young age that the behaviour is often a dissatisfying disappointment but he just had to do it. He says he had absolutely no control. Porn definitely creates the appetite for the next level, the next thing My husband is in good recovery and enjoys helping others to find peace without the constant need to self medicate and the hated need to degrade himself. I’ve spoken to people with similar behaviours you describe and they say that yes they would act out without the need to be attracted, like, concern or appreciation for the person. The age, size, gender, body type or personality did not matter. The addiction leads to objectification. My husband describes it as “ going where the drugs are” I’ve been told the same account you describe where the complications of SW, couples and affairs is more difficult to hide and access. Im sure others here will be able to offer you better advice. I’m sorry you had to go through so many years of betrayal and hurt before you discovered what was really going on. I myself know the pain you are going through after 30 years together. My advice to you both is to talk , research, share and understand. You can leave, separate or stay together at any time. There is no need to decide right now. Watch your husband and see how he progresses now that he has the support of others who use addiction to cope. Reach out anytime and I’m going to DM you take care x

Dear all who read, I've been active on here for a while. I've received some beautiful advice and I've tried to give some. I feel my time on here has come to a natural end and I'm all but certain that others will take up the various roles in the forum, mine included. It's been quite the 18 months in my life but I wouldn't change it for the world. My husband and I are in a better, more honest place. I realise some criticise SAA but it's been v positive for him. Therapy, too, has been super helpful, although we had false start with the 'wrong' therapist. My advice here would be if you're not looking forward to the weekly sessions to seek someone new. My parting gift is a link to this podcast with Rae Maté, Gabor Maté's wife of over 50 years. Rarely could you wish to meet a more open and realistic couple. The site won't let me post it, but if you search 'Rae Maté Harvest' on Spotify, you'll find it! Thanks for all the help and wisdom here - you absolutely helped me to navigate the most difficult time in my life. Take care of you and go gently, Roberto.

Ahh @Robertothis is both a joyous and sad post to read. Joyous that you are moving into a new chapter and your time here is becoming less meaningful however sad for us all as we wish you well. You were a source of support for me at many a point along my journey and it’s been a pleasure to read all your wisdom and share your generosity of kindness and compassion for all those you have interacted with. So long, I wish you both much happiness together and a big thank you for being available for us all x

@Roberto I’m so pleased that you’ve reached the point where you are able to move on and look forward to the future with your husband in a happier and healthier place. I personally would like to thank you for all the advice you have given, not only to me but also the countless others who have reached out on here. I wish you both the very best in every aspect of your life. Take care lovely xxx

Hi there, I would like to share a little about the Recovery Journey that my husband and I are on. After our relationship disintegrated at the beginning of this year, I received a voluntary disclosure from my husband of 31 years that he had a Pornography addiction. It totally floored me and for a week we were both in turmoil. My life as I knew it was not real. The man I have known for 35 years was a stranger to me. Some days I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't eat, sleep or function. I was shocked, upset, saddened, angry, frustrated, confused and lonely. I felt as though I had lost my best friend, and had no one else to turn to as this is what seems to be the Last Taboo of addiction. After the first crazy week, we both started individual counselling with specialist therapists - and it has been pivotal in both individual recovery and that of us as a couple. We spent the first few months in a highly stressed, emotionally volatile state. There were no good days for a while, we just bumbled along not really knowing what was happening or would happen in the future, or what we wanted out of life. We both attended Laurel centre courses - which firstly enabled us to learn about this addiction, address the causes and practise solutions to problems. We also met other addicts and partners who were going through similar feelings so we didn't feel so alone. We both read many books and listened to many podcasts - i can highly recommend all of Paula Hall's books, also Dr Rob Weiss and Brene Brown - who is a fantastic speaker (she has done two podcasts on Apology which were life changing to us) Then eventually after about 5 months we had a one 'ok' day. Then after another month we had a few good days. We realised that we still loved one another and liked one another. The past few months we have started meditating together, playing board games together, listening to music together. Recovery for us is all about connection - with ourselves, each other, other addicts and other partners, as well as our family and friends. We are still very early on our journey, and I never thought that I would say this - but I am glad I am here now, still with my husband. Our relationship is so much better than it has ever been - we talk, listen, think, experience, laugh, cry, learn and hug together. Our life is vastly different to how it was before disclosure, and I am grateful to be in the position I now find myself in. There is hope if you both want to heal, and if you are both prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. xx