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Showing content with the highest reputation since 06/14/2020 in all areas

  1. 3 points
    Hi NJJ and Kittywood I am sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I think I got to the point where I couldn’t face even looking at this forum. There are times when you become sick of this being your new unexpected life. I too have cried every single day for 14 months... without fail and often several times in a day. I have felt every emotion possible and it’s horrible. The worst is anger. It has, at times turned me in to someone I don’t even recognise. Maybe rage is a better word. It has led me to physically lash out... pushing and slapping my husband and I believe no one should hit anybody. Not in a way to hurt, but even so, it’s goes against all I believe a person should be. This is such a devastating feeling. I am still in a state of disbelief and shock. But the prolonged disclosure hasn’t helped that. My husband is doing all that he can and is having trauma therapy. But that still doesn’t take away my trauma. I think we have to listen to our inner voice. I feel I am more attuned to that now. So whatever you are feeling, listen to it but don’t make any hasty decisions. Seek therapy and talk it through. Hopefully you will come to the right decision for you and your family. Take care x
  2. 2 points
    I’m hoping that those suffering from Sex and Pornography addiction on here may be able to offer me some insight. I feel like I’m really struggling to understand what my husband has done. How he kept so many secrets from me when our relationship seemed so loving and beautiful! I really want to know what he was thinking when he made visits to a sex worker. What the trigger was at the time. But he is really struggling to do this. It makes me question everything. I’m just trying to understand it all. The betrayal is so painful 😢
  3. 1 point
    Hi there, My story is that my husband (together 14 yrs, married 9, we have two kids ages 5-8) is addicted to porn. Specifically live cams. The drip feed of information is still coming through but I know that he masturbates while others watch and pay him tokens. He minimises this by telling me that it's just wanking. He's always been into porn. There was a big discovery about 10 yrs ago where I discovered he was exchanging photos with a secret email address. It seems so antiquated now! We moved on but I carried a lot of emotions and I knew he was still engaging with it, but I think I turned a blind eye while I focused on family life. I figured he was still into porn, but the extent of it is staggering and has totally blindsided me. Our discovery was me coming home early and catching him out. He doesn't think he could stop, and having read up on porn addiction, he thinks he's addicted. But not that bad. I don't think he's prepared to stop right now, I think he's in denial and I don't think he has the emotional intelligence to fully empathise with me. I'm going to find myself some help but I just wanted to reach out for now. I'm devasted, confused, lonley, drained. I don't know what to do. I want to protect my kids from hurt, but I have a niggling doubt that we'll survive this.
  4. 1 point
    Well almost 10 weeks after the discovery, life is continuing. We have more good days than bad but I find I don’t believe him or trust him and I have days when the most random thing causes me major anxiety. Last week it was the sight of him standing behind me in the kitchen wanting to help prepare lunch but unsure what to do. Sunday’s are particularly hard even though they represent another week passing without him regressing so could be a reason for hope mostly they represent despair of the discovery. My self esteem s at rock bottom but we are still together and hanging on....
  5. 1 point
    My story from discovery onwards I have been married to my husband for 18 years and although the first half of the marriage was good, I have been unhappy for several years, feeling lonely in an emotionally distant relationship. In mid 2018, I discovered my husband had a bag of women's underwear, vigara and sex toys under his desk. I was shocked and knew immediately they were the underwear of prostitutes as they were all different sizes. I confronted him and he admitted that he had seen prostitutes for hand relief several times a month for a couple of years. We had a big row and several discussions during which he would only say that he saw the massages as relief and not sex. He admitted they were sex when I asked him how he would feel if I were doing the same. I made a decision not to immerse myself in thinking about his betrayal and asked him to get therapy. I did not grasp that his behaviour was sexual compulsion. He saw a general therapist for 18 months. He cancelled appointments and did change outwardly towards me. He was still unavailable for sex and not willing to talk. At Christmas, quite by chance, found out that he was following hundreds of women on Instagram and making comments under their photos. I was shocked and I confronted him. He showed me his phone and I saw that he had also messaged them. This completely floored me. I could not believe that he would betray me again. Also, his social media comments where written in a style that was completely different from his usual manner. I threw him out and for three weeks he was calling and in a wretched state. He was like a wounded child, I agreed to let him back to the spare room if he committed to his therapy and we went to Relate. I still didn't realise he had an addiction. Going to Relate improved our relationship and we began sleeping together. After having sex one night , I noticed he had spent an hour out of our room in the middle of the night. I asked him what he had done and he said that he had been using porn, straight after we made love. It was then it dawned on me that he had a compulsion. At our next Relate session we discussed what had happened and our therapist recommended that we look at SAA website and questionnaire. My husband did the quiz and said he thought he was once a SA but not anymore. I asked him to bring it up with his therapist. He came back saying that she thought he was acting out anxiety rather than compulsion. I didn't know what to do. Our Relate sessions became painful to me. The sessions were focused on the couple and my husband was withdrawn, it felt one sided and I didn't feel heard. In April, I had a blazing row with him when he told a lie about a family member that was the exact opposite of what he had told me and Relate. I felt very manipulated, again. I was feeling depressed for days and I wept as I told him that I thought he had a serious addiction and needed help, that our family was being torn apart. He came to to my room that evening and admitted he had an addiction and that he would seek specialist help. Since he has seen a specialist therapist, he has told me that he has been seeing prostitutes for decades, been addicted to porn and had sex in numerous public places with girlfriends before we married. He insisted that he has never had more than hand relief from masseuses but I don't believe him. More recently it has come out that he experienced sexual abuse starting at a young age and continuing until his teens. I am so desperately sad that this has happened to him. I cannot imagine the terror he must have lived. I am going to wait six months before I move forward to any decision making. I am seeing a specialist therapist myself and am trying to focus on my physical and mental health. In the past two months, I have been checking up on him and wanting to discuss the relationship endlessly. This is not good for me or the rest of the family. I have now moved out with my youngest child for a few weeks to give us space. The other children are grown up. I'm so hurt but I'm trying my best to do the right thing and look after myself. I'm sorry for the length of this post. It has helped me to write it and maybe some people can relate to it.
  6. 1 point
    Hello, I’ve just discovered my husband’s porn addiction. We have a toddler and I’m in early stages of pregnancy with our second baby . I’ve started to see a therapist and my husband agreed to go to support sessions and have therapy himself. I am absolutely broken . It all makes sence. His secretive personality, sexless marriage etc Unfortunately all I’ve read online doesn’t suggest that there are any couples who made it through? I thought we could get through it together, but after listening to him talking about the way he doesn’t see me attractive and remembering the constant rejection I don’t think we can . Has anyone stayed with their partner/husband and made it through?
  7. 1 point
    Hi, this is the first time I've posted here. Hope my rambling mess that I'm about to write is OK! One year ago after about 6 months of suspicion and me doing my own detective work I found out my partner had been lying to me for the entirety of our relationship. He had been on hookup sites, viewing pornography and cam performers obsessively. The most painful part was that he had met up with 9+ people, men and women. I was and am destroyed. A year later and I still am in so much pain. I can get past that he did this to me. I don't feel like I have all the answers, which results in me obsessing over every single meet. I need to know what they looked like, what they talked about and what they did. I keep imagining the scenarios in my mind and sometimes the just appear without any trigger. I'm so tired of this. It's emotionally exhausting and I just can't see a way out. Obviously he isn't keen on answering but he does his best but I can't help but feel he is downplaying the situations to save me but I find that is almost worse. Is there any getting through this? Does it get better or is this my life now?
  8. 1 point
    Hi, I am new and just starting to realise the enormity of the task ahead of me while my husband of 26 years is still in denial. I discovered his infidelity over a long period of time - a drip of tiny bits of information (after 10 years of total denial) some breakthroughs and then retracting back. It was / is so confusing I don't really know when I 'knew' or what came when. Then 18 months ago he told me much more. Multiple one night stands and using massage parlours and sex workers. After the shock and waves of emotion, I felt almost relieved because I thought this was THE break through and he would finally open up. Unfortunately we went to couple counselling rather than to a specialist SA counsellor - because at the time I didn't know what had been happening was SA and we didn't define it as that. The counsellor helped bring us together, but the SA was treated in the same way as an affair and there was no full disclosure. My husband told the counsellor, as he told me that he had stopped 'all that' 5 years ago and that now I knew it was 'over' that was that. He has no handle on why he did what he did, and remains closed, scared, shameful but defensive. As a result I have no way of re building trust or knowing if he is still acting out but hiding even better. My issues with the lack of trust and lack of true intimacy have started to become THE issues of the relationship. I have started counselling for myself and after unpacking my story the counsellor straight away said - that sounds very much like SA to me. I went away and read about 6 books and everything suddenly makes sense - it is like the scales falling from my eyes. I am feeling all the emotions but actually feeling stronger and aware of how important it is for me to stop trying to fix 'us' and concentrate on re building my own sense of self. The issue now is how to even broach the idea of SA to my husband. What have other people done? Should I just say and ask him to read the books and see - or should I make seeing a counsellor himself a part of an urgent first step in recovery? I don't want him to do it for me, I want him to do it for himself but without some prompting he would definitely not consider himself SA. Any advice on how those first or early conversations went with you would be much appreciated.
  9. 1 point
    Hi Sunflower! Saw your post because it’s linked to my topic. I’m sorry you have to go through this. The obsessive thoughts are really driving us crazy! Reading what you guys shared has helped me a lot. I’m trying to absorb everything and want to thank you guys for sharing. What Tina86 said sums up what happened to me and what I feel. He had 2 affairs, some hook ups, and loads of online girls. I discovered one of the woman’s social media whom he had an affair with and I can’t stop checking up on it. I don’t even care about the others, as I have no information about them and luckily I don’t know! But I already know everything about her; full name, age, work, her husband (yes she’s married), etc. I’m in constant worry because she seems to be more “special” than the others. I have to remind myself that my partner and I want to fix our relationship, not with her. i have been in shock and feeling numb for 5 months since discovery and didn’t think I need help. It only hit me hard this month and I could only brave my self to post online last night. So sad that it took me this long to realise that I need help. I will take baby steps to get help during this lockdown, it’s extra hard now. To everyone reading this, you’re not alone x
  10. 1 point
    I’m in a similar position - though in the daytimes I’m pretty good as distracting myself and focusing on the ways in which my partner’s strengths and the ways he is making progress. But late at night and early in the morning I get visited by imagining the betrayals and thoughts of how could be possibly treat me like this and put my health/life in so much danger if he is supposed to love me. It’s really difficult to fit all of the information into one person. I also worry that if I focus too much on the positives I am colluding with the ‘perfect’ persona when I feel like the key to things becoming different is him accepting and integrating the different parts - good and bad - to become a whole person who has genuine control over themself.
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