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  1. 2 points
    I would endorse everything that Tabs said, and I would add that it is so important to take care of yourself, like really really take care of yourself! One year on, I am only now realising how much time and effort I have put into holding my partner up as he is dealing with his addiction. I still intend to support him, but this year, I am taking care of myself better and asking more of him. You will find a lot of understanding and support on this website. Sending you big hugs, Ann x
  2. 2 points
    Hi KR1212, I believe you have come to a kinder place than mumsnet. Porn addiction, from my experience, isn’t really acknowledged and understood by anyone who has not been impacted by it, or those that have studied it. It is real, it is relationship destroying and sadly, as I have experienced it is life destroying. The good thing is your husband recognises he needs help and has sought it. That’s takes courage. For us partners we are suddenly thrown into an alien world, where we feel are we no longer able to trust our judgment. My husband, like yours was the kindest gentlest man. Unbeknown to me he was suffering mentally and porn, including on line chat, and actual hookups, was his medication. From being very broad minded on the subject of porn, and social media, with the knowledge I have gathered, I now believe it to be toxic. Many lives are being destroyed, and will continue to be, with those affected getting younger and younger. Until society wakes up to this, it will continue, and get even worse. It might help you to read Paula Halls book for partners, and there are other books covering porn addiction which I have found useful, The porn trap, the porn myth….it’s very real. Do you have anyone that you can trust to talk to? It’s a heavy burden to carry alone. It is a tough and emotive subject, and as you found on mumsnet, the ‘public’ tends not to want to understand or look deeper. Remember, this is NOT about you!! It took me some time to realise this, but it helps enormously to know this. You could have done nothing to stop this behaviour. It is about him. look after yourself, put yourself first, and practice self care….hugs to you! xx
  3. 1 point
    I’ve sent a DM to the ladies above, thanks for the info firefly
  4. 1 point
    Hi Lala44, I haven’t been on this forum for so long, but I just got a notification via email that you had commented on my post. I’ll be happy to talk to you. Please drop me a DM x
  5. 1 point
    Hi! I've posted a lot on mumsnet recently about my husband's addiction to porn but you either get comments like porn is totally fine or just leave him! There's not much in between. I'm interested to hear from anyone who's been through porn addiction either in person or as the partner. Has it got better? What worked? Did you come out the other side? My husband has a history of depression and anxiety, and suffers a lot with an array of anxiety symptoms. He's also been dependent on porn and masturbation without porn for a long time to give him that quick release of dopamine. Sometimes it's sex drive but often it's his low mood. And it's habitual. I only found out about his use of porn about 18 months ago. He gets intrusive thoughts to watch it which he battles with and has told me that he's opened his laptop and closed it many times as he tries to resist. Sometimes he wins, sometimes he doesn't. I've been really hurt and felt very angry about it all but we both want to get through this. My husband is a kind, sweet person. An amazing dad. And despite all the shit stuff, we're a team, best friends and love each other. I don't believe he's a bad person but he's let this get out of control and has got into a cycle of shame and lying. BUT he needs to rebuild the trust between us and get a grip of this addiction for the sake of our relationship and family. He's started seeing a new addiction counsellor who seems quite good. If anyone can offer any positive support, advice or recommendations, that would be great?
  6. 1 point
    Hi KR1212, I’m so sorry that you find yourself here under these sad circumstances. Your post could have been written by me. My husband is loving funny sweet affectionate a great dad and my best friend. But has struggled with P and SA for years and recently actual meet ups to deal with anxiety. I’ve forgiven him before and have chosen to forgive him now. He’s getting help but I want to make sure this time that I don’t get left out too so appreciate this community. I want to reassure you that this isn’t about you, it’s about his demons….
  7. 1 point
    I have just found out that my husband of 7 years together 10, would rather masturbate to some really disturbing images of large women and gay porn, rather than have a sex life with me . He did this at work in the mens toilet, classy! I'm devastated by this as I'd have done anything and he choose to please himself up to 4 times daily. I don't want to lose him but im not sure i can get over the betrayal as it wasn't like I didn't try. I've begged him to support me to fix our marriage but he still chose the nasty stuff. Please, can anybody tell me if I could get over this? My husband wants me to forget about it now. It's been 8 days since I found out.
  8. 1 point
    Hi, this has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It’s about him. So please don’t think you could have done anything to change him. He needs to seek help, he needs to understand why is is doing this and the impacts on others. You are not alone in this confusing and upsetting world. There are many of us. Some support their partners going through this, and some choose to walk away. Have a look through stories on here, and look at the recommended resources that may help you. It is a truly heartbreaking situation to find yourself in, and you need to look after yourself first and foremost. I found that, for me, finding out as much as I could helped me to understand and stop me from constantly searching for why it happened to me. It can and does happen to many people, more than we know. That knowledge helps a little. It is early days, so live an hour at a time, breath, practice self care…. Big hugs
  9. 1 point
    Hi Feeling Fragile, I’m doing ok thank you. Settling into some sort of normality. I am fortunate to have some great support. I am still shocked at times that I am in this position. Honestly, if you knew us as a couple you would not have guessed that we would be where we are! I am now navigating the truly awful prison system. I was painfully unaware of how it is in there. I will continue to support him until he is back on his feet. I feel I need to honour our long marriage. I am doing lots of self help, and finding what works for me. I’m still sad for the life that I lost, but looking back and being bitter doesn’t help me. I’m still trying to get authorities/ media/anybody to talk to and get them to listen to my story. I honestly believe that until porn is tackled more and more, mostly men, will get caught up and ruined. We also need to find some open discussions on the subject. I honestly had no clue there was such a thing as porn addiction! I want my experience to be help others. That my healing. x
  10. 1 point
    How are you doing Tabs? X
  11. 1 point
    Tuesday is the anniversary of my discovering my partner’s madness. I’m crumbling inside, so much so that I pranged my car last week in a car park. It was a tiny bump causing thousands of pounds of damage. The woman whose car I hit was so lovely. In my apologies I wanted to tell her why I made such a mess of pulling into a parking space. (I didn’t, by the way). The next day, I got a parking ticket because I got the day of the week wrong and didn’t realise that the “free after three” parking was the day before. This isn’t like me. One year on, we are still together. He’s working his programme, mostly, and he has a good therapist, and we are about to start couples therapy. That all sounds good right? But there are days when I drown in doubt. He assures me that he loves me, but can’t say what he loves about me. We have some wonderful times together, when I think we’ve really turned a corner, and then it feels like things being good is too much pressure for him and he retreats again. I’d like to look back on this post and be glad that I stuck it out. I’d like him to be the one reminding me that another year has passed and that he is glad that we made it. I’d like him to understand how painful it is to learn to trust, not only him, but my own judgement. I’m not sure today which I have less faith in. Ann
  12. 1 point
    Keep going Ann! Hope your days have been brighter since this post
  13. 1 point
    Hi , Both the Laurel Center and Marylebone Centre are excellent for both partners and the addict, Good luck!
  14. 1 point
    Hi Kaykay, I feel for you. This is such a difficult situation, you’ve given your all to someone and they have betrayed you. Have you tried therapy? It sounds as though you would welcome help in unpicking your thoughts and feelings. I find talking to my therapist incredibly helpful. She helps me pinpoint exactly what it is I feel unhappy about and then helps me to explore what I can do about it. I feel like I have control over my life and my decisions now. I talk to her less frequently now, but know that she is there should I need her. That gives me strength to face the future. xx
  15. 1 point
    It isn’t love, you’re right. There may be love in there, but it sounds as though it is smothered by this cruel insanity where fantasy obliterates love, good sense, responsibility and morality. Unless and until he accepts that he needs help, he will remain lost in the madness of the addiction. You can’t make him do this. All you can do is get yourself well. Draw on your own good sense, responsibility, morality. - and love; love for yourself and your children. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but taking care of yourself and your children is your recovery. This is as important as his, and as necessary. I say this as someone who is awake at 4am on the anniversary of the day I discovered my partner’s deceptions and depravity. I’ve spent the last year holding him up in his recovery. I’m going to spend the next doing the same for myself. I wish you true love as you make this sad journey too. Ann x
  16. 1 point
    So, if you are anything like me I bet you've found yourself here desperately looking for an answer, desperately looking for reassurance that real people get through this, and that this isn't the end of everything as you know it. I remember, sitting there where you are 4 months ago. I had just discovered my husband's sex addiction, and looking back it was the most surreal moment of my life. We'd been together 6 years, married for just over a year, and had just bought a house together. Life in my eyes was "perfect"......planning the future together, wondering what colour we could paint the bathroom, talking about when we'd start a family. Then came the discovery. I won't go into great detail as I understand everyone has their own story, but I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had wracked up a huge amount of debt and had been sleeping with prostitutes. I had every question go through my mind, "why would he do this to me? how could I be so blind, how could I not know? Could I have an STI? Could I be infertile? How are we going to pay this debt?" etc etc. I have never felt so low, or so lost in my whole life. The feeling was overwhelming. It was all rather dramatic, the whole "GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" sort of drama. His addiction started long before we met, and I found out more recently it has stemmed from a life time of depression, anxiety and just generally feeling very low about life, this addiction was his way of dealing with it. I just would like to reassure you, this is real life, people do go through this, and people do get through this. Currently my husband and I have decided to stay together, I am keeping a very open mind, I may decide to pack up and leave at any given point and I have every right to. My husband has a lot of work to do and as long as he sticks to the straight and narrow we should be fine as a couple, more than fine, we should become stronger as a couple. I have been there, where you are. I have had the shame of telling family and close friends, my work. I have had to deal with many situations rippling from this, the effects it has on others, the opinions of others, it's not easy. The sitting there questioning everything you know, questioning how you are going to get through this, not knowing where to start or what to do next. The best piece of advice I was given from someone on this forum is "look after yourself" and that is what I did 100%, and I continue to do. There have been so many ups and downs along the way, and sometimes I have felt like leaving, I have felt like changing the locks on the doors, but somehow found the strength to carry on and you will too. I bought Paula Hall's book for partners, and remember reading it, nodding along to every page like "yes, yes this makes sense, yes this sounds familiar" My husband bought the book for addicts which I found him reacting in the same way. Now, please don't feel that I am here to advertise her work, I am just very much in awe of her work, I am so grateful that all this help exists. This forum, the books, the youtube videos - they have genuinely saved our marriage. My husband and I both have counselling (separate counsellors) who are trained specifically in sex addiction.- who were in fact trained by Paula Hall. Get as much help as you can, you won't regret it, it has helped me in ways I didn't even know were possible. Life will get better, no matter whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. It won't be easy, but it'll get better. I had to slow down, and take life one day at a time. We both have an amazing support network around us which helps immensely. Look after yourself, do whatever you feel the need to do, have a good support network and try and get help as and when you are ready. Please feel free to message me if needed, I am quite happy to talk more about my experience, and how life has been over the last few months. Hang on in there, you're doing the best you can. xx
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