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Showing content with the highest reputation since 03/11/2021 in all areas

  1. 2 points
    Hi everyone, I'm brand new to this all. I've been with my partner 10 months, after a spout of heart aches and bad boyfriends for the two years before. I met my bf and thought finally, this is someone I see a future with. There was a rocky start where I found he was talking to another girl, but lied about it. We never really sorted that out as he gas lighted me about it, saying it was in my head. I've always known there was something up. I have so many male friends that I didn't want to be that gf who said he can't have female friends. So I went against my judgement and encouraged him to see and speak to his female friends. About a week ago I got a message from his ex, who I don't know. She said my bf had tried to get her to sleep with him in December and she only just found out he had a gf at the time. She said he'd done the same to her. So then I sat my bf down and spent three horrific days trying to figure out what's going on. It took a lot of me pulling things from him, getting evidence from his phone and even when presented with evidence, he still tried to lie. Even though I knew most of it anyway. So the damage is this. He slept around for the first two months with people online. He lied to me and took a trip to see the girl I knew he had been speaking to, and spent the night with her. And yet he continued to say it was in my head. He then had a few one night stands around that time too. He then reached out to another girl he used to know online saying how he hates how much he misses her. He then went to stay with his best friend late summer, and slept with her twice. With this one, it was pre planned as they spent the day discussing it. He lied and told her he was in an open relationship. This is his longest most dear friend who he has now lost. He spent the day messaging me, whilst discussing how they were going to sleep together that night. He then introduced me to this friend a month later, taking me to her house. He sat me on the sofa they had sex on. I kept asking why, as he didn't need to do this. He said he didn't think about it. About two weeks ago, this friend messaged him, saying her new date was "friendly, good looking oh and a dom". He went out of his way to come over and show me the message, and said "wow we never talk about sex. This is so weird, what should I reply?". It is moments like this that hurt me, as that was unnecessary. I would never have seen that message as don't even know the code to his phone. Then there is the online affair. He posts constantly in forums saying he's looking for someone to meet. He met this girl on there, who was on some infidelity forum too. I saw messages of my bf saying how he wants an illicit affair behind his gfs back, and that's what excites him. The girl also has a partner. So they spent 2/3 of our relationship every day chatting on a secret messaging app. Sending photos and videos and voice clips, saying how much they like each other. He called her a nickname, said how much he wanted her in his bed. They would sext a lot. He also sent her photos of himself when me and him were on dates or walks. He sent her photos of things I got him for presents. He sent her everything he sent me, and more. He kept trying to meet with her and last week had invited her to his flat where he said he had planned to sleep with her in our bed. Then in Jan he met up with her. She said no to sex at first date. They walked. Then a week later he asked why she had been quiet. She said she didn't want the sex part anymore and just wanted to be friends. So this sent him in a spiral as it was rejection, and it hurt him so then he then mass text all the women in his life that he had slept with or had previously engaged in sexting with, asking for more sex or sexting. This included his friend from earlier on, an ex, and others. Despite her being very secretive, I've actually found her online. I found where she works. And the irony is she helps people for her job. And yet I don't have any plans to do anything with that info. It just hurts to see her there, unaffected by this all. And potentially doing it again to someone else. Throughout the whole of our relationship, my bf spams people online, on forums. Reaching out to anyone either with sex or with normal chat. This is about up to 30 messages a day. He used different apps and messaging services to send people photos of his naked body, with his face in them. And would share a photo that we had shared online, of our bodies close up. So this means with his face being shown, they could potentially track down who I am fairly easily with the other info he told them. And now they have a naked photo of me (although it was shared online, but it was meant to be untraceable). There was also a friend of his who I didn't like him talking to as he kept talking about her so fondly, and hating her bf. He also told me they had kissed before we met. We had a massive argument in Jan about it. Eventually he said he wouldn't want to hurt me so will stop talking to his friend. I felt very guilty and told him this, saying I hate that she has lost her friend. He used to bring it up, as a "look what I'm doing for you". But it turns out he never stopped talking to her. He actually told her I said not to talk to her, and he will do it anyway. Then he tried to sext her last week. It tuned out also they had slept together before me. He actually cheated on his ex, with this woman. And she knew he was with someone at the time too. The last time he slept with someone they didn't use protection. So I could have an sti. He also could have brought covid into my house. So then we come to the lying. He lies about so many different things. Things that don't matter or bring him any gain. When caught in a lie, he can't stop. And he even gas lights me to stop himself admitting it. I've gone to cbt for anxiety last month, which he pushed, and came off my anti depressants in Nov. And yet he still chose to say it is in my head, than admit he got a take away (that was one of the lies). By the way I love take away and would not care at all. So this all came out last week. He has been so distraught and crying and opened up to me. He never has admitted the severity of this all before. He has lied to people since he was a child. He let me tell his friend he had lied, and now she has removed him from her life. He also reached out to his mum (who left the family home when he was young) and tell her this. He also let me phone her and fill in details, so she gets a full understanding of how bad the situation is. One thing I'm struggling with is this. Is this the behaviour of somebody who is actually facing mental health issues. Or is it somebody who has chosen consciously to live that life, but wants to keep me around to have his cake and eat it too? It is the pre planned part and the harshness of gas lighting me and forgoing my mental health, physical health (sti and covid) that really hurt. Currently we are trying to get him the professional help he needs. And have had a relate session. I'm starting a new high power job in a month or so, and just don't know what to do.
  2. 1 point
    Hi there, I've been on these forums for a while now. Relating with so many of you but struggling to put my own words and feelings into writing this so this will probably be a very scattered mixed bag of thoughts and feelings.... It's hard to even rearrange and organise what's worth/more important to share and seek support with others about since it's so much. Our story is short since we've only been together for 2 years but we're already facing issues most of you have years in of marriage .. We're a a young couple in our mid 20's. Long distance relationship (different continents). He's my first serious true love & relationship where we're both sure we're each others "the one" so it's been great, serious and heartbreaking at the same time. I'm gonna skip to last year when shit started hitting the fan. I caught him cheating w an ex, sexting and planning to meet up (but never did according to him, i believe him), sexted some other random girl, being generally shady with his socials etc, found out about his porn addiction in this tornado and it's basically been heaven & hell for almost a year now. Heaven when it felt like we've reconnected and felt more in love than ever, and hell.. well you guys can imagine that part. He's been serious about recovering for the first time it feels like after I recently discovered he's been relapsing multiple times when i caught him going into chat rooms, specific instagram girls and watching porn... while I was in the other room. He's attended a few SLAA meetings, started reading books and booking an appointment with a therapist specialised in porn addiction. But how am I supposed to think it's gonna work this time AGAIN. This man has seen me broken, in so many ways. I know he loves me like no other but he's lied straight to my face about things I've already known the truth about so many times. A LOT of traumatic drip drip disclosure and awful fights where he sometimes just shuts me off and pushes me away when we're away from each other which is extra stressful since i can never be sure about what he's up to. Which sometimes is nice but ignorance is only bliss for so long.. Our fights have been a reason for him to relapse too. My stress levels are just up the roof when i spiral, i literally feel like i'm having heart attack sometimes just thinking if he's hiding / lying to me or not. How will I ever know the truth without dragging my heart and soul through what feels like a million daggers? How will I know when he relapses? It feels like he's just gonna find new ways to hide and delete his tracks. How do you set new boundaries in a relationship since the ones you thought were completely unacceptable to break has been broken and you're still here..? I've done my best to educate myself about a before completely unknown territory for me, staying out of his hair at the same time as getting to learn about his addiction and showing my unconditional support, but I just don't know how much pain I should take? I already know I can take a lot but how much is too much? How do you set your limits when the ones you thought you had has already been reached and passed long time ago? Appreciate if you read this far, i'm so lost as you can tell haha..
  3. 1 point
    Hi all, hope you are well and safe. I am the wife on the receiving end of a husband with porn addiction. We have been together for 8 years now and at the beginning of the relationship I was slightly naive. I followed my gut instinct, I sensed something wasn't right but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then it all became apparent, I caught him on multiple sex chat rooms,videos of him and other girls on sites, on his pc, phone etc. I was absolutely distraught, not overly confident myself due to childhood issues which he was aware of, he knew how it would make me feel however, despite telling me on numerous occasions he will stop it continued. Then when I fell pregnant with our beautiful girl, he was evil, I knew the signs, I knew what he was doing and I caught him again. I decided I didn't want to bring my child up in this environment so I went back to my own town. I was done, it hurt so bad, my first child,. I was petrified. I then found out he had put our personal videos on sex sites. Violated was an understatement. As time went on I got used to the idea of raising my baby, till one day he turned up out of the blue at my door begging me to give another chance so I did. He sold his house i sold mine we brought a nice new home,.it was looking up. We moved in on the Friday I gave birth on the Sunday. Again I started to sense something wasn't right. He never wanted to know me, didn't interact with our daughter and used to go work then bed. One day he called me early in the day really upset, I asked him what had happened, he said work had sent him home because he was depressed. Something wasn't right, when he got home I could tell there was more to it, so I said you just need to tell me the truth. Eventually he did, all the time I was pregnant he was and when we moved to our house he was seeing a girl from work, they were sending explicit videos and pictures to each other using work laptops and he got suspended. His parents disowned him I was absolutely broken. Again, I stood by him. He promised to get help, went to a couple of sessions and stopped. Same thing again and again. We ended up getting married another clear slate but yes he's is still doing it, he has no interest in me whatsoever, he sleeps in my daughters bed and she is in our bed with me. I really thought after the last time he had done with it. I tell him how no intimacy makes me feel. He told me he couldn't get an erection, I offered to go doctors with him. Weeks went by no change, no doctors. I actually thought to myself no way he can't still be doing this 8 years on. Yes, he is, I caught him again 2 weeks ago, all the videos he said he never had any more were all there again despite him having a new phone. When he asked me to prove it, even when confronted with the evidence he continued to deny it, how patronising. I never argue in front of my girl so I just left the house. I asked him to be gone when I get back. He was still there sleeping like a baby. He came down to me and gave me the same thing I have heard for years. I ended up poorly last week and was hospitalised. I am out now and he is acting like nothing happened and continues to sleep in my daughters room. He has completely destroyed me, he is an amazing father, my daughter dotes on him, we never argue with the exception of the above times, we actually have things in common but I'm torn now I cannot break my daughters heart but how many times do I let him do this to us. I ask for nothing just to be loved, feel loved and always be honest. I'm so lost right now, I have a heart of gold and I always get along with everyone. I have really had enough but then I look at our girl. When I met him I was a size 6-8 and I kept myself very fit. When I had our daughter I gave my body to her for the 9 months and went to a size 26, after having her I am now a size 12. I feel he is not attracted to me, he is 53 I am 41. I have people paying me Compliments, I could easily find another man, but he is my husband and the father of my child. I feel so empty right now and really low self esteem. I'm sharing my story to try and get help but also to give people an understanding of how the receiving end feels 😌 x
  4. 1 point
    It is so hard to keep giving love and not have it respected and valued. First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself. Read everything you can about sex addiction. For so many of us, there is a lovely man that we love, and then there is the addict. As long as the addict is the one you are dealing with, you don't have access to that good man, however good a husband/friend/father he might be. The addict will chew the man up, chew you up and chew your relationship up. Get yourself well, with good trustworthy support. If your husband won't do the same, then he is lost to the addiction and with the best will in the world, won't be able to access all that is true and good in himself. Many of us ask ourselves the same questions every day. You are not alone. x
  5. 1 point
    Good morning, so I posted on here quite a few months back now about how My partner whom I knew was a sex addict was supposedly ‘going cold turkey’ on his own and how I naively believed this was possible. Until back in April I found a second phone hidden in his car. I never confronted him then and still haven’t now too afraid of the pain and upset it’s going to cause everyone. Instead I’m now 6 months in knowing every day what he does but pretending to him I know nothing. Over the months I’ve found his profile on the sex site he uses and managed to log into it and from there got the phone number he is using too. I am now able to watch him all day every day online msging literally 100’s of men and women. He spends all day doing this along with meeting up with them too. I think there is at least 3/4 meets a week with various men or women. This is obviously not only an unhealthy habit for him but now for me also, as no matter how much a little bit more of me dies each day I continue to be obsessed with watching what he’s doing but yet I say NOTHING!!!! Why? What is wrong with me that I’m just too scared to rock the boat? Too scared of him going? I don’t know why I’m so scared of loosing someone who finds it so east to live such a double life and lie to me and the children day after day. Some days I scream at myself to do something, to stop this because it’s killing me! But I don’t again I say nothing I carry on. It’s effecting my whole life, I don’t want to see friends because it makes it difficult for me to keep watching what he’s doing, I can’t face work as I work some weekends so it gives him the perfect opportunity for an extra day to lie and cheat, I am now signed off for 2 weeks with stress but I’ve told him I’m taking holiday and my hair is falling out. All of this though is kept inside because to the outside world everyone thinks I’m my happy normal self, it’s exhausting. I just want to know why am I like this? Why can I not think enough of myself that I may be worth more than this? Also if anyone on here has actually managed to read to the end cause I have rather gone on haha good perhaps give me an understanding of how it’s so easy to step out of the door and straight away flip personalities cheat and lie 5 days a week but walk through the door at night and during the weekend and kiss and love us like nothing has happened? It’s like he doesn’t even remember what he’s done. He also messages some of the most unattractive women, but has zero interest in me. If he was to see me naked or in underwear he wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. As if my confidence isn’t low enough already it makes it worse that I must really be that bad ok right sorry venting over for now lol. for anyone who has taken the time to read this thank you x
  6. 1 point
    Hi @Chrissy thanks for your message 🙂 that’s so great to hear that you’re doing so much better. Sometimes I think being the partner in something like this can feel such a lonely place with no end in site so always good to hear that people can come out the other side and actually be doing better. You definitely made some points that are try to me. The loss of control is definitely one of them. I feel as though by keeping in what I know I have some sort of control over the situation, of course I know deep down I have no control over snagging he does. He like I say doesn’t know I know anything although I have dropped many a hint and when he’s away for work I say to him not to do anything as there is so much to loose. He of course swears he won’t the boys and I are all he wants and the annoying thing is there’s always this silly part of me that hopes and wants to believe what he’s saying. Of course he always lets me down. Interesting u say about split personality because I’ve often wondered if he has something like that, because as he lies to my face and makes promises that he isn’t and would never do anything he almost looks to believe every word he’s saying. Like this lying cheating person he is when he leaves the house for work is a totally different one to the loving man who returns home. I have a close friend who knows what’s going on and also his mum so it helps to speak to people but my friend is very much of the opinion get rid and that he is as u say physiologically abusing me. I somehow fail to see that what he’s doing because he doesn’t know I know a thing?! Am I blocking out the truth do u think? big hugs returned your way x
  7. 1 point
    Hi MonA, It sounds like you’re going through a LOT at the moment and I can hear the anxiety in your writing. I’m not sure I can be masses of help with your questions, but there are a couple of things that did jump out at me from your post. I’m not experienced in mental health so these are just things from my own experience. You said that your arguments with your partner are a reason for him relapsing, and I just wanted to flag this as something to take with a pinch of salt. In my case, I think my partner was slipping into using this idea to try to get me to back down from challenging him with my concerns. I think that this can become an excuse and can become manipulative. If he wants you in his life he should be prepared to take your feelings and concerns seriously, so don’t let this stop you from speaking about your reality and your needs. Although it’s not always possible, I’ve found in my own experience that approaching my partner to talk when I’m more calm gets a more truthful response compared to when I’m in an anxious or upset state,m. I think the latter makes my partner panic and try to minimise the issues to try to stop me from being upset, which actually makes things worse. It’s really difficult though, especially early on when you’re all over the place emotionally. Getting support for yourself is really important and can help to stop you from spiralling. Talking whilst walking side-by-side rather than face to face had much better results in my relationship early on in the process, as shame can make it feel really unbearable for an addicted person to be looked directly at whilst talking. I also just wanted to say that you don’t have to provide unconditional support to your partner. Addictions can make people tricky and manipulative, even if the non-addicted part is a lovely person, so one can end up colluding with the addiction if we don’t keep tabs on what our own limits and needs are. I hope that you’re ok and this coming week has some good stuff in it.
  8. 1 point
    So he’s been sentenced to 2 years and 4 months, will serve half of that in prison. All for falling into the trap.....1 decoy chat and arranging to meet. Live streamed by vigilantes. 1st offence. Spent a fortune on solicitors, therapist and physiologist. He was suffering from severe depression at the time, and severe health problems. Pleaded guilty to the one charge, owned up to it and worked hard on himself. Good probation report, suggesting non custodial, good references no attraction to underage confirmed...meaningless ......I'm heartbroken. It's me that now has to sort everything out again. Having had to do that when he had to leave home because of the vigilante livestream. Who is punished here, yes both of us. I am innocent of this yet I am carrying this too. I have lost all faith in 'justice'. And I am so worried for all people involved in a toxic mix of porn addiction and social media. Be safe everyone. Don’t follow my path. X
  9. 1 point
    This is so horrible for you. I'd definitely get the partners book on sex addiction. It's really helpful. Big hugs xx
  10. 1 point
    I'm tired. How can I help and encourage him to see he is relapsing? Thank you xx
  11. 1 point
    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is great in many different ways but he has his porn and lying problem. At the beginning of our relationship He admitted to me that he had porn addiction and also his desire to stop. He did it for some months but it was not long enough. I realized back in July that he had fake Instagram and Snapchat accounts to message random girls with many followers or some girls he had been attracted to or dated years ago to ask for pictures and offer money in exchange. I saw the messages he sent flattering these girls bodies and offering money for oics (just that, he did not ask for more. I do not know if he did something in Snapchat maybe sexual conversations (?) but he said he never sent a pic, he just received them). He never had sex with any of these people but he spent a lot of money on this even before me. He did the same to his other girldfriends because for him it was not cheating since chesating is physical according him. We talked about it and he agreed his behavior was cheating and he looked for a psychologist to help. We worked it out and he started showing change in his habits like eating better, working out, reducing masturbation to healthy *or at least trying* amount. Everything was good and then this January I realized he was doing it again but less frequent and messaging less people but still doing it. He told me everything started after he started watching porn again after he quit, he thought he could handle it. But then he realized it he could not and he tried to stop and then this led him to message people under fake accounts and offer money (not as often as before tho). He told me he tried to stop and he actually did not message anybody for days but then he came back and afterwards he would feel ashamed and guilty but then after some days he would do the same and the same circle would repeat over and over. He told me he hid this behaviors from his psychologist because he was ashamed and he thought it was more a low self esteem problem but now he was realizing he had addicitons towards certain sexual behaviors. I was hurt again and I told him he had to look professional help and talk to his family. He did it and he is going to therapy now. He has had this problem the past 10 years and has had this lying problem for the same time. He would lie even if he was eating junk food or not working out, even if you are telling that you know the truth, he would initially tried to lie and then admit it. We had to start from zero our whole confidence and rebuild it and we are not done yet, we struggle. Now he is more trustworthy than before and I still have troubles believing it but I appreciate he is being ore honest even though if he knows he behave wrong. He tries to recognize as much as he can when he fails (overeating, masturbatin in excess or not working out). Today he told me he watched porn. I asked him about it and initially he denied it but then he decided to tell me the truth and also add another day when he did it but did not tell me. I promised him I would not be mad if he says the truth and I was not, I was just a little bit dissapointed. He did not tell that to his therapist because he said he was ashamed. I do not know what to feel... should I be mad? Should I be thankful that at least he is starting to say the truth instead to hide it (I was thinking that he could have had denied it and I would have never known but he decided to tell me about it)? Should I think that he is not actually doing well his journey to recover himself? He told me he did not want to tell me initially because he did not want me to think that he was quitting. He assured me that he did not message any girl or offered money since according him he understood that it hurts me the most and damage the relationship whereas porn (even tho it also damages the relationship) he says it does not cause the same impact and that he is doing his best for not watching it at all. It is important to mention that we do not love together and he decided to leave all his electronic devices and laptop in my house to avoid be tempted to watch it and he made me block porn websites in his phone and restrict some apps. The way he accessed to porn these 2 times was because he was in my house alone while I was at work and he send he could not resist especially since he had almost a month without it. I am confused I do love him but how can i be sure he is really trying and willing to quit? He said to me not beause he did these two times it means that he is not willing to do it, he said he just was weak and the next time he will act better like call me to tell me what is going on with him and avoid that behavior, drive to a store or public place to not be alone or just walk. I do not know and also it stresses me out this way to keep him away from porn by estictiing his phone andkeeping his stuff, I told him it made me feel like a controlling person even tho I did not ask for any of those things.
  12. 1 point
    Hi everyone don’t really know how to start this but here goes. I’m 33 I have been with my husband for 15 years with a 2 year break 10 years ago. We were together from been 18 so he’s all I’ve ever really known. When we got together I quickly fell pregnant with our daughter who Is now 13, within the time he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend which as you can imagine when 6 months pregnant was incredibly painful. when our daughter was 2 he left me and said he wasn’t ready for this full family life I wanted and that I was too controlling, liked the house too perfect and just didn’t want to live like a normal 23 year old. I was devastated and we slept together most weeks in the time we were separated. 18 months in I said I wanted to prove to him I’d changed and we could be ourselves as well as a family so went out of my way to book trips, hotels etc things he liked. Whilst we were away he was asleep I got a call on his phone it was a girl who confesses she has been in a relationship with him for the last 2 years. I told him I was done and it was over for the first time in my life. He then said I was everything he wanted and he would move home with me and our daughter and prove I was all he wanted. He met the girl at work so he even quit his job changed his phone etc and we made a go of it. fast forward we have had the best 8 years marrying 4 years ago. I trusted him again, we moved homes, followed our career paths, fantastic holidays etc. then the big blow comes for me 4 weeks ago when he comes home and confesses to sleeping with our cleaner who is a family friend for the past 4.5 years. She is 20 years older than me also. He says he didn’t want anything from her other than sex, dressing up etc and he was a sex addict. this lady attended my wedding day, befriended my 13 year old, had her to sleep over, paid her debts when she was losing her house all the while they were sleeping together. now he has started recovery 4 weeks ago I just can’t get the pictures out of my head as they are so clear him marrying me with her there, texting her on my wedding night, using my daughter to show him she was what he wanted it’s all so twisted. i constantly question is he an addict or not or is he just a serial cheat? It’s driving me crazy and all I want is for someone to make me feel beautiful should I be craving that from someone or is that just going to make this worse? please help x
  13. 1 point
    Hi Squirrel74, I am both saddened and encouraged by the similarities I see when I read our stories on this site. You explain so well the conflict between loving a man who is kind and loving etc, and wanting to support that man, and at the same time, feeling humiliated by the repeated betrayal of trust. In my case, it's not just that I don't trust him, although I really want to, it is that I don't trust my own instincts and responses. I feel for you. I feel for us all. Sadly, we are not alone. x
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