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  1. Today
  2. Hi, new here, last year I found it my husband of 18 years had been to dogging sites, I always knew there was something but couldn’t put my finger on it. To cut a very long complex long story short, when confronted he admitted he had been doing it for 3 years, said he was glad I’d found out and that he would never go again, he said all he did was watch men mastabate and there were never any females there at the sites he used. I chose to forgivehim, my first husband visited prositutes and I was abused as a child so my head is a bit screwed but I have never let my past ruin my future, when I met my second husband I felt I could trust him, loved him like crazy he is gentle, not loving but gentle man and we get along great. We both decided to retire early and he persuaded me to move away, only 50 miles, but nearer the coast. I’ve now discovered he’s been at it again an that there are hundreds of dogging sites around our new place (tracked him) I’ve confronted him and he’s admitted he’s addicted to porn and has been since early in his first marriage he claims the dogging has only been for the last 5 years. We’ve always had a fantastic sex life up till around 3 years ago and I put the deterioration down to work etc, I know know that he’s desensitised due to porn. He said he won’t do it again, he’s doing a course on line (tbh he’s done it twice only since I found out) he wants me to keep tracking him, he’s sorry, trouble is I don’t think I can ever trust him, at moment we are living as friends, it’s exhausting, I don’t want to try sex with him or let him touch me, even though he could never retain an erection we have always satisfied each other in other ways now he makes me want to scream at him, I feel like I want nothing sexual from him, we get along really well and have lots in common. I’m 60 next month and I feel like the last 18 years have been a waste. There’s loads more things to my story, this is the outline, I find I read story’s on here and everyone is forgiving and moving forward with there relationships, I feel I can’t.....I don’t have time to waste but yet I’m scared to do anything about it....sorry my story is all over the place but I’d appreciate some advice as I’m devastated 🦋 still says he only watches and it’s men but I don’t believe him
  3. Last week
  4. Episode 2 of the BBC3 series Porn Laid Bare Touring porn sets in Spain the group have seen what the adult film industry means for producers and performers – good and bad - but now it’s time to reflect on themselves and consider the impact that porn is having on their life, their relationships, and on wider society. The group explore questions including how porn effects the brain, how it shapes our views of our own and others’ bodies, how it shapes societal attitudes towards racial groups, women and our understanding of sexuality, and asks if porn addiction is becoming a problem amongst heavy users. .
  5. Ginny

    Internet Porn/Chat Addiction

    Hi Simon, Firstly it takes courage to post on a forum and say you are struggling with porn addiction. We are finding lots of men and women who are struggling to stop looking at porn and feel it is an addiction. As you say, porn is very easy to find, it is often free and limitless variety. As Anon555 suggests, finding a 12 step programme near you, will help you realise you are not on your own. There is SA, SAA and SLAA groups. The Laurel Centre also offers a counselling service. The counsellors can help you understand what your triggers are, find tools to help stop the behaviour and to support you in your recovery. You can either ring them up, email or use the little pop up box in the corner of the website. Kind Regards, Ginny
  6. Earlier
  7. Anon555

    Internet Porn/Chat Addiction

    Google slaa and give them a ring they might be able to advise you or have a group meeting close to you
  8. I'm so glad I've been able to find this site. I now realise that I've been suffering from an increasing addiction to porn and internet chat for about 15 years. I wonder if any other men feel, as I do, that my addiction is purely down to the invention of the internet - and not only that, an internet connection that is now fast enough to watch and share video/pictures very very easily. Before I had broadband in my home I had a couple of porn mags in a cupboard which I looked at from time to time - and I masturbated regularly, like twice a day maybe, but this was mainly to my own "thoughts" and took next to no time. And that's the point - the biggest problem for me is that my internet porn/chat addiction robs me of TIME - our most precious commodity. My life and my success is slowly slipping away. I am bisexual but mostly view straight porn and share this and chat with other straight/bi men online. I think this problem is a huge pandemic problem which isn't even talked about in society. I think that there a literally thousands and thousands of married men, like me, spending huge amounts of time online without their wives' knowledge. Everybody talks about the danger of internet porn to children - but not to adults. I think that this could eventually become a big story in the press - but not anytime soon and not before it has had a huge effect on society. I don't yet know how I'm going to quit. I'm struggling everyday. I wish I could go back to childhood in a way, before I had any sexual desire at all - days seemed so long and I was able to focus in a single minded way on the things I wanted to do. Maybe I need to stop using a computer except in public cafes? (I do need to correspond by email for work etc). I think that the computer is, for me, the key. If anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd be very glad of advice. Simon
  9. Hannah

    HELP and Support required

    MSusieQ, your experience appears very much like my own. I also found myself in a sexless marriage with a husband who wanted to use porn in preference to a sexual relationship with me. It was a very lonely existence and it just about annihilated my self esteem. I lived with the shame of knowing that my husband didn’t have any desire for me. Although he quit, I’m still aware of the cracks in my soul where the damage took place. Also, as with your situation, after I discovered porn in his internet history, he didn’t stop. He just got better at hiding or deleting the evidence. After several discoveries and feeling ignored and defeated, I gave up trying. At that time, there was nothing I could do or say that could make any difference. This situation carried on for another 15 years. As PJ says, there was a kind of ‘collusion’ going on. I didn’t like the situation but I eventually accepted it because I thought the alternative would be worse. I still loved my husband and I believed that our relationship was otherwise OK. I felt that I had to accept that my husband was not choosing me as a sexual partner so that I could have the ‘good’ parts of the relationship. In the long term, the price of this acceptance was too high. I had to live in a state of permanent denial. I had to live with the secret shame of my husband not wanting me sexually. I believed that the reason my husband didn’t want me was because I was unattractive and undesirable. Living with all this crap in my head eventually took its toll. I developed an eating disorder, late-onset anorexia. I was depressed and clinically underweight. People were shocked at my appearance. My husband had hardly noticed. I had given up getting undressed in front of him anyway because he didn’t bat an eyelid if I was stark naked and I didn’t want his lack of interest in me confirmed in that way on a daily basis. So I guess I shrank myself, physically and metaphorically. I didn’t feel that I was allowed to take up space in my own home, or in my marriage I say all this because this is what happens when you ‘do nothing’. It’s not possible to be in a relationship like this without it taking its toll. The damage isn’t always obvious or immediate. It’s gradual over time and you just don’t realise it because it becomes your ‘normal’. That’s why I urge you to take action sooner rather than later. My husband’s addiction eventually made him miserable and lonely. When he finally woke up to the damage it had created, that’s when he quit. I guess I feel hurt and I admit I am sometimes resentful because it had to go as far as damaging my physical as well as my emotional health to get my husband to see the harm. That’s why I urge you to act now. Whether your husband quits and stays that way is beyond your control. Ultimately it’s his choice. You need to think of yourself right now. You need support because you cannot rely on your husband right now. Even if it’s online support it’s better than nothing. If you can afford a specialist counsellor, then I advise you to see her/him on your own. Couples counselling isn’t appropriate at this stage. I recommend Paula’s book for partners, it’s my go-to book. Be assured you are not alone. Many of us have been there and we have survived. Recovery is slow and imperfect. Be kind to yourself.
  10. Hi Antnick! If your problem is the internet access I recommend you to install a software like Coldturkey so you will be able to block internet access while you get access to your computer or block the entire computer access to determinated hours / days, or block determinated sites (urls), also a Google search term, for me this software works like a charm and it only costs $20 USD for a lifetime membership. Coldturkey It's very important to get various forms of block access to our main triggers, so in case you have a problem or a very high urgencie to restart an addicted behavior you will not be able to get access to that sites Give it a try and let us know how you are going on...
  11. Thanks for advice. - I think I might have solved my 'problem' - Firstly it is the first time I had actually written down and admitted my situation. Upon reflection of this I realise the cause of my escort visits is the damned internet when I am working on my own. I have rearranged things so computer (and internet) are out of reach and sight. The inability to browse for look for escorts means the compulsion to visit has gone - No see, no go! Hopefully this simple solution and discipline will sort this bad habit once and for all. No recovery progam needed.
  12. Christine

    Confused

    Hi This is not uncommon, often people who have an addiction will compartmentalise the addiction and the behaviour and separate this from other areas of life, especially a partner. This is part of the distortion and a way of managing the situation, so it might be that your husband has blanked you as a way of coping. Now that he has had to face his addiction he sounds like he is being present, I hope the counselling is helping both of you, it can be a very painful and shocking time for partners. If you haven't already you may want to look for the books that Paula Hall has written for people with the addiction, for partners and her new book for couples all of which can be found on amazon,. Take Care Christine
  13. PJ

    HELP and Support required

    Hi Susie I hear the sound of desperation in your post. Sounds like a very testing situation. Can I ask, other than coming on this Forum, are you getting any support? That would be my first piece of advice? Whether from friends or counsellors. Going through such times alone makes things so much more difficult to bear. I have this addiction, and my only other piece of advice is that it thrives on deceit, collusion and secrecy. I would encourage you to pursue truth and openness, that way you might both come through this with a stronger marriage. There is lots of help here - Laurel counsellors are helpful and Paula has written an excellent book for partners of sex addicts - well worth a read. Let us know how things develop?
  14. Hi Antnick I you can't stop, then that is a sure sign you have an addiction, and the only way to stop is to get specialist treatment. Having been on Paula's recovery courses, I would highly recommend them, but you could also try a local 12 step programme. I think there are 3 main ones - SA, SAA and SLAA - google them and see how they differ and whether any have meetings near you. I would commend Paula's book on sex addiction too - it will help you understand a little more what you are dealing with. Please come back and tell us how it is going.
  15. I have, what I think, is almost an addiction that is getting rather out of control - visiting escorts and viewing escort websites - (No pornography as trhat doesn't interest me). I work on my own (self employed sole trader) so internet access is easy and always available - a complete distraction. I can be on the internet for extended periods of time in total secrecy. Having viewed sites, once or twice a fortnight I feel the need to visit chosen escorts - costing me a packet and impinging on my work. I want and need to stop this internet and escort habit - Any advice ?
  16. kezza

    I am drowning

    Hi you sound like you are in the same situation as me however my partner likes to visit massage parlours. He went twice whilst I was pregnant and once just after I had given birth. I had come across a search when I used his phone and continued to dig he just kept lying and lying till I asked for a lid detector. This was about 3 weeks ago we are trying to work through it and have seen a councillor he is now attending weekly sex addiction anonymous classes. My heart goes out to you it has completely broke me. The best thing I have done is confide in my closest friend and she has been my rock. Anyway good luck and if you ever want to talk about it drop me a message. xxx
  17. kezza

    My heads a mess

    Hi Christine we went to see a councillor but found her very negative. Things are not great I feel very paranoid and feel like I shouldn't keep going on about it. I just feel lonely to be honest. Thanks for asking x
  18. Christine

    My heads a mess

    Hi Kezza Just read your post and wondering how you are getting on, did going to the counselling help with starting to find a way forward. I hope so. Christine
  19. Blessedalways1112

    I am drowning

    My partner is addicted to attention and sex from other women. We still were having sex hes saying hes a sex addict and that I am the only one he can cum in (sorry to be crude) . After lying i backed him in a corber and he told me the truth both times while i was pregnant i dont think i can forgive all this.
  20. New to this forum so bare with me. I’ve been married for 15 years, knew something not quite right shortly after when he didn’t initiate anything in the bedroom apart from when he’d had a drink, which I refused. Went through usual turmoil - is he gay? Is he A sexual, is it me ? Then 2 years ago found the answers. He’d been on hundreds of porn sites on his phone. I’ve never thought bad of people watching porn together but he always turned off the TV if anything sexy came on. I spoke to him we had a huge row and in the end told me what I now know were lies. He said he’d only just started watching it since he had a smart phone, and that he would stop and quote “sort himself out”. We haven’t been intimate in seven years, almost half of our marriage. I can’t afford to leave him or ask him to leave, and last week found out he’s still doing his thing on a daily basis. Obviously addicted and has been for a very long time. Do I tell him I know it’s still going on? I don’t want a physical relationship with someone so obsessed with other women. It makes me feel sick, unattractive. I’ve lost all my self confidence, even though I put a good act in st work. It’s consuming my every thought, what did I do wrong to deserve this? There’s no way out of it, he just gets better and better at hiding it. Please help
  21. kezza

    My heads a mess

    Thank you for the reply. It gives me hope there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. Xxx
  22. Veryunhappy

    My heads a mess

    Hi Kezza, My heart goes out to you. I found out about my husband’s sex addiction about 18months ago. I too went through all the emotions you are describing, it truly was the most awful time of my life. It is really tough but things can get better, if your partner is committed to recovering. 18 months on, me and my husband have a more stronger relationship than ever. Even now I have bad days, if the memories are somehow triggered, for example even if I go past a massage parlour. That’s why I still visit this board, to find out how others are doing. I hope this helps somewhat.
  23. kezza

    My heads a mess

    My partner finally admitted after I found a load of evidence of him contacting massage parlours that he is a sex addict with a preference for sex workers. He only admitted it when I said that I would only stay with him if he took a lie detector test. After a lot of shouting, crying and every emotion possibly I have decided to stick with him we have 15 week old twin boys which is part of my decision but it hurts do bad. Some days I'm happy smiling other days I just want to end it all. 2 days ago he was at a job interview and I was sure he was lying and found myself driving to the massage parlour he has a preference for looking for his car and also wanting to see these girls. My head is all over the place I'm in tears writing this please tell me it gets easier. Also we still decided on the lie detector test as I needed to know things. We agreed to go together after our family holiday in March he then went and booked the test without me knowing and only told me about it when he'd past so he's still lying. We are starting couple counselling tomorrow but I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this.
  24. kezza

    My heads a mess

    My partner finally admitted after I found a load of evidence of him contacting massage parlours that he is a sex addict with a preference for sex workers. He only admitted it when I said that I would only stay with him if he took a lie detector test. After a lot of shouting, crying and every emotion possibly I have decided to stick with him we have 15 week old twin boys which is part of my decision but it hurts do bad. Some days I'm happy smiling other days I just want to end it all. 2 days ago he was at a job interview and I was sure he was lying and found myself driving to the massage parlour he has a preference for looking for his car and also wanting to see these girls. My head is all over the place I'm in tears writing this please tell me it gets easier. Also we still decided on the lie detector test as I needed to know things. We agreed to go together after our family holiday in March he then went and booked the test without me knowing and only told me about it when he'd past so he's still lying. We are starting couple counselling tomorrow but I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this.
  25. Potter

    Confused

    Hi i found out two weeks ago my husband of 25 years 20 years married was a sex addict. We have been frank and honest and he has disclosed everything we are having separate counselling on Thursday. The question I am most confused about is that my husband has blanked me out of his memory. We have been friends since we were teenagers. When he talks about his past etc. Including the time we were dating it’s like I wasn’t there. I have to keep reminding him I was there at that time etc. i feel like he has only just opened his eyes and noticed me the last two weeks. Is this something anyone else has experienced? x
  26. Hi all, Has anyone heard of the Mankind Project? My spouse's therapist suggested that my spouse go to a retreat. I researched it on line and it sounds weird. There is some nudity involved but the men can choose not to take part. I cannot believe the therapist would EVEN suggest this to my husband, as he KNOWS my husband has acted out 4 TIMES with MEN during our marriage (yes we are still together and trying to work on rebuilding--if I can EVER forgive him). And he also has a history of being interested in men due to the sickness of porn/sex addiction and childhood trauma. My problem is that I found out the gross details about 14 months ago, we went through disclosure, I went to betrayal trauma therapy and thought I was doing good. I told my husband I was very upset with his therapist to suggest that group (among others) and I started to have flashbacks. He was not supportive at all and we got into a big fight. After the fact, he realized that his sarcasm, defensiveness and mocking did not help my triggering! He's not going obviously, but does anyone have any feedback? Thanks.
  27. tutonofap

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi friends! As we had talked before, your husbands are expecting not to talk more about the past because they are scared and ashamed, they are scared that if they tell you the whole and deep true you will make yourself more damage than healing, so they don't want to see you broke, they don't want to traumatize you more deeply, they had been discovered with just some part of their addiction, and that part had hurt you enough, so trust me, as you believe, there is lot more there, they had done a lot of more things, but you don't need to know everything to heal, you just have to know something... They had done a lot of mistakes involving sex and addiction... Are you ready to forgive him and move to a healing process? They HAVE to work on this, they have to be 100% honest now, seek for help and theraphy, by themself, for themself, if not they don't want to recover or are not prepared yet... So don't look back in the past, look to the present, does is he going to theraphy? does he working on his recovery? is he doing something to heal? If not its time for you to move and separate, if he is working on his recovery is time for you to be there, present and work side by side together... Look to the present and move to the future... There only two ways... Recovery or Divorce... Recovery: you both have to recover, it takes time, effort and strenght, it can takes at least TWO YEARS to really achieve a full and deep recovery, so don't think that this would be a one time session, no it does not, you have to set clear boundaries and move thru them for at lest two years, there you both would had recovered, off course it can take less time, but be prepared, and be prepared for relapses too, with masturbation, with porn, at least, off course NEVER tell your husband, that you will be there if he relapses, but YOU have to be prepared for HIS relapses, it would happen, and IS a part of the healing process, there is no other way. I apollogize if I'm being to honest and it hurts you, but you deserve to know the truth, the real one... THERE IS NOT A FULL RECOVERY WITH NO RELAPSES... They will happen, maybe one, two or more times, but they will happen, be prepared with love, be smart, and strong to accept it, and they will hurt you less. If they don't happen well, you will not suffer and that is awesome... No everyone relapses, no all recovery process takes two years, but if your husband is weak, alone, very stressed, and so other things, they could relapse, and you have to accept it, not to leave him relapse, binge and be enjoying them.... Please, please, please, do this for you... Don't dig on the past, trust me, there is nothing useful there, just suffering, no useful suffering, just useless suffering, so avoid yourself this... Remember this words as your mojo: Accept (present), Forgive (past) and Flow (future). I really recommend "The Work" from Byron Kattie http://thework.com/en there is a lof of ways to make this work, don't waste your money, get the book, the worksheets, and start doing it. I apollogize in name of your husbands, as you are, we had been just victims on this, and is time to broke that victimization... Only the love can heal us (you and us). With all my love and respect, I ask you, please forgive us for not to be as strongest as we could, for not to break this when we could, please forgive us for fail you...
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