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  2. tutonofap

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi friends! As we had talked before, your husbands are expecting not to talk more about the past because they are scared and ashamed, they are scared that if they tell you the whole and deep true you will make yourself more damage than healing, so they don't want to see you broke, they don't want to traumatize you more deeply, they had been discovered with just some part of their addiction, and that part had hurt you enough, so trust me, as you believe, there is lot more there, they had done a lot of more things, but you don't need to know everything to heal, you just have to know something... They had done a lot of mistakes involving sex and addiction... Are you ready to forgive him and move to a healing process? They HAVE to work on this, they have to be 100% honest now, seek for help and theraphy, by themself, for themself, if not they don't want to recover or are not prepared yet... So don't look back in the past, look to the present, does is he going to theraphy? does he working on his recovery? is he doing something to heal? If not its time for you to move and separate, if he is working on his recovery is time for you to be there, present and work side by side together... Look to the present and move to the future... There only two ways... Recovery or Divorce... Recovery: you both have to recover, it takes time, effort and strenght, it can takes at least TWO YEARS to really achieve a full and deep recovery, so don't think that this would be a one time session, no it does not, you have to set clear boundaries and move thru them for at lest two years, there you both would had recovered, off course it can take less time, but be prepared, and be prepared for relapses too, with masturbation, with porn, at least, off course NEVER tell your husband, that you will be there if he relapses, but YOU have to be prepared for HIS relapses, it would happen, and IS a part of the healing process, there is no other way. I apollogize if I'm being to honest and it hurts you, but you deserve to know the truth, the real one... THERE IS NOT A FULL RECOVERY WITH NO RELAPSES... They will happen, maybe one, two or more times, but they will happen, be prepared with love, be smart, and strong to accept it, and they will hurt you less. If they don't happen well, you will not suffer and that is awesome... No everyone relapses, no all recovery process takes two years, but if your husband is weak, alone, very stressed, and so other things, they could relapse, and you have to accept it, not to leave him relapse, binge and be enjoying them.... Please, please, please, do this for you... Don't dig on the past, trust me, there is nothing useful there, just suffering, no useful suffering, just useless suffering, so avoid yourself this... Remember this words as your mojo: Accept (present), Forgive (past) and Flow (future). I really recommend "The Work" from Byron Kattie http://thework.com/en there is a lof of ways to make this work, don't waste your money, get the book, the worksheets, and start doing it. I apollogize in name of your husbands, as you are, we had been just victims on this, and is time to broke that victimization... Only the love can heal us (you and us). With all my love and respect, I ask you, please forgive us for not to be as strongest as we could, for not to break this when we could, please forgive us for fail you...
  3. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    I hope Nicola won’t mind me adding her post to this thread as I found it so helpful. What she says resonates so much with me. Like her I’m still in limbo and taking one day at a time with all the highs and lows they bring. My partner is critical that I won’t ‘look forward,’ ‘move on’ or do do ethi g which in his mind shows I want to build a new future with him. I try to be honest and say I just don’t know. It’s too soon. Has anyone else experienced pressure from their SA partners to just accept and get on with life together ?
  4. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Dear Kate2018, Ter and PJ. As I can’t see how to reply to individual past posts, I am trying it this way ! So we had the therapeutic disclosure session - now 8 months after I began to find out what he’s been doing. It’s taken him since October to write replies to my questions but at least he did and the session took place. And here’s my question to you all and maybe others.....did you or your addict partners expect it to be just one session? My partner clearly did and now he’s in meltdown because we didn’t get through everting in one 2 hr session. We sidetracked into other issues and niggles so I’m not surprised we didn’t get through it. But then I didn’t really expect to get through 20 plus years of deceit and secrets in 2 hours, so I’m okay about it. I saw the session as the start of the disclosure process but he wanted it wrapped up in one session. I guess that’s another indication in our inability to communicate as we both saw the same thing so differently! Has anyone else experienced this? Can anyone else tell me how long their therapeutic disclosure process took? I am really interested to hear about the experiences of others. Thank you.
  5. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Thank you for sharing your story and some of the pain and stress you’re going through. It is really interesting to read the words of a SA as we hear a lot from partners battling with the horror and trauma but not as much from the addict. If I’m honest, whilst I can feel sorry for what you must be going through, I still cannot find in me the part of my brain or my heart that accepts and understands what he’s done and why. Perhaps it’s still too soon as all I still feel is so much hurt, anger and a sense of the worst betrayal possible. Therapy is helping but there’s a long way to go
  6. outofwishes

    Not quite success, but a ray of hope

    This will be my last post and I wanted to explain why. My probation visits have become more relaxed and I felt my officer trusted me enough that I could tell them I was using this forum for support - I actually expected that to be seen as a positive thing. I was wrong and have been instructed not to use this forum any more; that becomes part of my probation terms. The reason given is that I could use it to contact other offenders to arrange, well, nasty stuff. If I don't contact them, they might try to contact me and encourage me to reoffend. No one likes being told what to do and I brought this all on myself, but if the overall aim of the judicial system is to integrate me back into society as a safe and useful citizen then isolating me in this way won't help. I'm also banned from Facebook and thus messenger (it's actually Facebook policy that bans me, though it requires the justice system to inform them - I guess there's no way they can't) I will get past it; my life has changed hugely over the last year. I've lost friends, my job, I'm moving house etc. but I've not viewed porn for over a year and I'm building a new life based around the restrictions imposed on me, I'll be OK. The probation service says they have no problem with me looking at internet porn, but they do have a problem with me seeking the support they are unable to provide. I understand how they got to this position; like so many organisations they need to be seen to be doing something no matter how ineffective it may be, because they know they will be vilified if they put a foot wrong and there's plenty of people who will tell me I don't deserve support anyway. So, I'll continue to read this forum and will post again in 6 and a half years
  7. The biggest alternative to 12 steps is probably the SMART program. Not only is it non-spiritual, it takes a very scientific look at recovery. Instead of the 12-step mantra of "I am powerless to stop" it flips the script to say, "I am the only one who has the power to make myself stop." Whether it's a problem or an addiction, you may also want to find a therapist who has expertise in addiction. There's a reason you use beyond "it makes me feel better" and I found that once I went to an addiction specialist and begin to understand why I used, I was able to walk away from the rigorous dogma of the 12-step programs. Being able to talk 1-on-1 to somebody was like packing 10 12-step meetings into an hour. I appreciate their success rate, but like you, had some issues with the God stuff and cookie-cutter way it looked at addiction. Good luck to you.
  8. tutonofap

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi friends! First of all I like to tell you that I a man, and a Sex addict for so many years, so I came from the other side of the story, very sadly I had being SA for many years now, at least, 14 years, I don't really know when did this started on my life... So if any of you would like to know something from this point of view, I'm here to answer, off course my story is very different from your partners, but I had scaled very deeply on this addiction, I had being with all kind of sexual partners, girls, granny, shemale, guys, old guys, porn, extreme porn, and a horrible lot of things I had done, exhibitionism in public places like parks, street, or buses, I masturbated a lot of times in front of my mother's wife. And I lost my wife, my partner for 12 years, so I know what painful could be this. With this what I like to tell you is that I deeply know about this addiction, I had been fighting with this since like 6 months now, and had been the worse addiction I had on my life (I was addicted to coca cola, marihuana 14 years - at least 8 joints by day, alcohol) and all of them was a joke compared with SA, this is really painful and horrible addiction... I had not suffered harder and so much with no other thing on life The first question I did myself is: How did I did this to me? How this came into my life? How did I lost my love for myself? And its devasting when you can't find an answer to any of this questions... I see myself on the mirror, and I did not reconized me anymore... I had cried, and wished to die, just to understand. So if any of your husbands could not tell you nothing is not a lie, we can not explain ourselves how all this happend, this is not a choice, this is an addiction that controls you over and over... I'm alone now, with no wife, with no friends, so I try to recover just for myself, no for anybody else, and when I had relapsed, I always say to myself: why did you did it? What f**** happend again? And I can not explain myself nothing... I know a very lot about recovery process, excercises, and all that kind of stuff, I know where my addictions come from, I know my childhood issues, and I'm still struggling with this... Is horrible, but I know that every day I keep fighting is a day won to my recovery... Just for me, just for my own love. So if any of your husbands could not tell you the true, or details you like to know, is because he is ashamed, is because he really loves you... The first question you have to learn to deal with is... Why did he made this to me??? Take yourself out of this question.... Why did he made this??? Do you see the difference? Your husband did not did this to you, he was not trying to damage you, he really loves you, for that reason he stayed there, in your life with you, with your family... Are a victim? YES, you are, you did not deserved this happened, but he did not did this to you, this is not personal... HE DID HIS WORSE MISTAKE EVER and you are now being affected, but it was not about you, it was not about your family, your children, it was not about no one else... It was a VERY DEEPLY MISTAKE, the worse a man can do in his life, and he is suffering as much as you do, trust me about this, he is really suffering, deeply, he likes to die (if he connected to his innerself). So this is not a moral thing, is an addiction thing, we had became addicted to our worse mistake on life and we want to recover from it. Any question you like to ask, I'm here to help, I know what you are living, and let me tell you something, in name of all men on this addiction, I say: we are so sorry to had failed you girls, you did not deserved this, we not deserved either, so please forgive us, trust on us, and help us to recover... We are the first victims on this hell and we need help! For you all: -Your story is different to anyone else story's so just learn what you can and move on to deal with your very specific life. -You are not forced to stay with your partner, if you feel that you have to leave him, if that is your healthy way now, do it, move on and forget about him. -If you are, your family or kids are in any kind of risk, run for help, call the police or any legal department you considered. -If your husband is really committed to recover, and you can, support him, if not move on and leave him alone. All my love and respect! Have a wonderful new year!
  9. Recoveringaddict

    Non-religious alternative to 12 steps

    Im in SAA and all i do is replace god with my family. They talk about the higher power and what them means to me as an individual. I dont believe in god but i do believe in family and its family that gets me through this.
  10. Does anyone know of a non-religious alternative to the 12 steps program? I would say I have a problem, rather than an addiction, but I would like to find I groups I can talk this through with without being told the only answer s finding god.
  11. Concerned Parent

    Concerned About Son

    That's helpful, thank you for replying. I'll see if I can find a doctor who can advise, many thanks.
  12. Joshua Shea

    Concerned About Son

    You could say he's acting like an addict....or you could also say he's acting like a teenager. I know the brain injury caused mental damage, but physically, he's still a teen soon to be in the prime of his sexual life if you believe men hit their peak in the late teens/early 20s. I don't know enough about his condition to speak with any degree of certainty, but is it possible he's simply acting on physical urges? His behavior sounds like that of a typical, physically healthy 16-year-old. While he may or may not understand the context of what he's looking at, he clearly still wants it. And like any kid over the age of 5, mental or otherwise, he'll lie to his parents to get it. Let's admit, sexual urges are the most basic of human instincts and are one of the only things we share with every other species in the animal kingdom. I guess what I wonder is how much of this is your concern about him watching porn -- which statistics suggest is typical among today's 16-year-old males -- and how much is that you simply don't like pornography? I understand your fears that he will descend into addiction, but it sounds more like he's simply hiding it from you because he knows you have a negative reaction. Saying that sex/nudity isn't bad, but then banning him from seeing it sends very mixed messages. I can't tell you what to do, but I think a professional doctor who had dealt with people with brain injuries, or perhaps even issues like autism, might be able to better guide you through this time. I'm not a fan of pornography...I became an addict and it ruined my life (or I should say I let it ruin my life)...but I also understand there are many people out there to whom it is passing fancy at best. I don't know where you son fits on the spectrum, but professional help is the way to go. I wish you the best of luck.
  13. Concerned Parent

    Concerned About Son

    Hello there everybody and thank you for allowing me to join the forum I don't really know where to turn and when I was looking for resources online this forum came up so I'm hoping there may be someone on here who can point me in the right direction. I have some concerns about my son. He's 16, but has a brain injury so is mentally more like an eight year old child. He has various disabilities because of this and can't go out on his own or stay at home by himself. I have been very open with him through his teenage years about puberty, sex, relationships and so on and bought him several books that are written for teenagers with autism and learning disabilities to help him understand that changes are natural, as is masturbating, being interested in sex, feeling aroused and so on. The whole process seemed to make sense for him and I had thought we'd got through that whole phase fairly well. About a month ago I found out he'd been watching porn on his laptop. I hadn't even been aware he could access it as I thought I'd put parental blocks in place. It turned out that I'd only blocked the browser, not the internet provider, so he was using a different browser (I'm a technophobe and didn't even know those where different things; I just thought as I'd put a block on he wouldn't be able to see anything). I had quite a long chat with him about it and explained that porn isn't a good way to learn about sex and it's better to spend time with people and doing fun activities rather than watching things on the internet. He seemed to understand what I was saying and I made him up some worksheets so he had the information to refer back to. I thought we had sorted that out; he said he wouldn't do it again and that he was sorry etc and I thought all was well. About a week later I found out he'd been accessing porn on my phone; again, I didn't realise he could get onto it that way and hadn't thought to check. I blocked that straight away and this time had a firmer talk with him and told him he wasn't to do it. Again, he apologised and said he understood, etc. Again about a week later I checked his laptop and found he'd been watching things on YouTube - it probably isn't what most people would call porn but it was sexualised content and not suitable for him to be watching. Again, I didn't know that I needed to put separate controls on YouTube so I did that and again spoke to him about it. He very calmly lied and told me he hadn't looked at anything and never would. I knew that wasn't true because of the history on his laptop and again I was plain with him and told him he wasn't to do it. I also mentioned that some types of porn are illegal and he could get into trouble with the police if he watched something like that. He got very upset and I thought perhaps a short, sharp shock was a better way to do things and wondered if that had worked where the calm talking hadn't. Again, he promised he'd never do it again, and so on. He hasn't looked at anything since, up until today. Again, it's not necessarily what others would call porn but it is sexualised and not suitable for someone with his mental age. Again, it's on YouTube, I've confiscated his devices and we've spoken about it but I don't really know what to do next. I appreciate this might not seem a big deal in the grand scheme of things but my concern is that his behaviour seems, to me, to be quite typical of an addict - he's done things in secret knowing that he shouldn't, he's lied about what he's doing, he's sought other ways of accessing it when certain ways have been blocked to him and even things that have upset him, like the police being mentioned or the threat of having his devices confiscated, hasn't made him stop altogether. It just seems to me to be the start of an addictive pattern and, given his mental disabilities and his very limited social skills (he's at his happiest in his bedroom and doesn't like being around people or busy places) I'm concerned it could become a serious problem. I realise I could just take away his laptop and that would be an end to it, but I feel it might be better to try to get to the root of the problem, as I worry he'll just keep trying to find other ways to get to it. I've struggled to find any resources that are specifically written for people with learning difficulties so that he might be able to read and understand them. I'm nervous about speaking to college or social services/GP etc as I'm worried that they may jump in with both feet and make the problem worse. Equally I don't want to just do nothing and I don't want him to think that any kind of sex/nudity etc is bad, I just don't want him watching that and I'm worried about what seems to me to be addictive behaviour. Anyway I'm sorry that is so long! I just wondered if anyone might have any thoughts or suggestions as to what to do or who to ask for help? I know that most sixteen year old boys would be looking at or aware of porn but given that his mental age is so much lower than his actual age I'm concerned about the effect it might have on him and want to try to stop things becoming more problematic if possible. Thank you in advance
  14. Hi Ruby I am sorry to hear about all you are going through - being a partner of a SA is grim, and sometimes worse than grim! You can find a lot of really helpful information about the impact of a caution (any criminal history) on www.unlock.org.uk - they are excellent.
  15. Hi both, As someone who found out my partner was a porn and sex addict nearly 7 months ago now I just wanted to say I totally understand how you're feeling and have been/go through the same emotions. I can't say my advice is right but just wanted to share some things I've found to be helpful in case it helps you too. I haven't made any decisions about my relationship either way yet but I'm focussing on my own self care and giving myself time. Triggers, upsets, arguments will come out of nowhere and floor you emotionally, but looking after yourself at other times can help you deal with these times and recover from them more quickly. Do whatever you need to do to take pressure and expectations off yourself, give yourself some space. For me at the moment that's wanting more time apart and not going to family functions where I have to pretend everything is fine (only some of his family know our situation). You also need to see from your partner that he's willing to work on himself by going to therapy, and on the relationship, by learning about the partner's experience, recognising the importance of couples counselling etc. Frustratingly it will take time for the latter, but don't put yourselves through all this if he's not willing to work on himself or the relationship. With regards to sex and intimacy it's not something I've been able to give much thought to... we're just not there yet. He clearly has a lot to work through and I don't know how this will all end up for us. But it is important, as you are doing, Nicola, to work out what you want and value in that domain. You'll have to decide if you're willing to wait the time it may take your partner to be in anywhere like the same place as you are when it comes to being able to have an intimate relationship, and if you want to take the risk of finding out how long that will take and if you'll be on a similar page when you get there. Wait if you feel it's the right thing to do but don't sacrifice yourself and your right to a loving, honest relationship too much xx
  16. outofwishes

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    It seems that you must put some distance between yourself (and children) and this man for safety's sake and a divorce is clearly a sensible option as the other posters here have said. I agree with Josh that involving the police is a huge step and you need to be sure that there is no other option to get the outcomes you want; especially the safety of your daughter. But I would just add this; few are beyond redemption. Right now you need to feel safe and separation seems pretty much unavoidable, possibly for many years. But if your husband genuinely seeks change, there may come a time (years hence) when he can take some part in the life of you and your children; the man you loved, married and had a child with is still in there somewhere. That said, the well-being of yourself and children must come first and building a life without your husband seems to be your priority now.
  17. tutonofap

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    Hi Distraught81! and members... Well this seems to be a really hard thing for anyone to go thru it, so first of all I wish you are fine and remember that your children needs you a lot right now, also you need take care of you so not to loose the control. For security reasons I will recommend that ask your husband to move to other place, he could become anger and agressive so you or your children could be in any kind of risk, so ask for professional help in order to know how to proceed, and you have to be fastest as you can to protect yourself and your children. About your divorce it is not important what anyone else thinks about it... The more dangerous emotions related to sex addiction are shame and fear, so you have to move far away of them. Maybe you can call to any official phone service to ask for phiscological assistance over the phone, trust your gut, it will never fail... Do whatever you do, remember: This is not about yourself, this is his struggle and sometimes you have to move away and let him to resolve it alone. We are here to support you so write whatever you feel, break your fear, break your silence, break your shame and take your life back. A great hug for you!
  18. Joshua Shea

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    Your husband clearly has a problem (or problems) that have made your life a living hell and you shouldn't have to stand for it. If you want a divorce, don't ask for it. Demand it. Get it done. I won't get into my entire story, but I did a fair amount of catfishing back in the day, but this brings it to another level. He's pimping you out and forcing you to film in. That could be considered a criminal act depending how he coerced you. At the least it's mental cruelty. This is just me, I but after seeing what he's done with your stepson, it's just another step before he's messing with your daughter. He's clearly and unwell man and for the sake of the children, and you, this is not somebody who should be in your life when they are this sick. I do have pity for your husband. He is very ill and needs some serious long-term help and while you can nudge him in the direction, it's on him to get himself well and it's on you to make sure your kids and you are safe. Don't call the cops...it feels like the right thing to do in the moment, but it will embarrass your son and put your husband through a series of situations that you may not fully understand. I would not do this without speaking to your son first, and I'm still not sure it's the right thing to do. Who cares what you tell people? Tell them: "We've grown apart" "He made some decisions I don't agree with" "It's run it's course" "We fell out of love" It doesn't matter what people think about your divorce. It's a lot easier to tell them about your divorce than about the stuff he's been doing. For your sake and the kids' you've got to get moving on this.
  19. My husband, for the last 2 years has been addicted to hook up sites (fabswingers, POF, Tinder). I initially went on fab with him, just go try and stop the lies, but it didn't work. He created numerous accounts and started messaging me. He also bullied me in to meeting another man for sex, which I had to film for him. He then started sexting this man, pretending to me a woman. He eventually admitted he had a problem and went to the doc. The referral has taken months and months. I have recently found out that he has been sexting my 17 year old son (who is his stepson) pretending to be a female. There has been initiate pictures of my son been sent. My husband has joined sex addicts anonymous and has attended 2 meetings so far. I want to call the police and report him, but I don't want my son embarrassed. My husband disgusts me, like proper makes my skin crawl. He said that it wasn't a sexual thing towards my son, it just got out of hand. We have a 7 year old daughter together. I'm absolutely lost as to what to do. I have asked for a divorce obviously, but I don't know what to tell people.
  20. Kate2018

    Will he ever want sex with me again?

    Hi Nicola thank you so much. Like you things have been pretty horrific but we're having a good week. It's strange how it's going great one minute then back on the crazy train. I have a therapist now which is good but it's all been a huge shocy to my system and the pain it causes is unbelievable. I'm in a stuck place at the moment I keep going around in circles,! But better than previous weeks thank you. I hope you and your hubby can get through this x
  21. Kate2018

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi Ruby this must be a blow, someone told me last week fear and shame rules the addict I guess that's why it's so hard for our husbands to be honest with us. Yes as far as I am aware if your husband applies for a job he would have to state he's been cautioned, many jobs do a crb I think it shows up but it doesn't necessarily mean that he won't get a job but I guess it depends on what he does for a living. How are you doing silly question I know but sometimes it's nice just to be asked,! hope things improve for you x
  22. Nicola

    Will he ever want sex with me again?

    Hi Kate, thank you for your message and the link. Nearly 3 months on from my post. We’ve both been seeing separate therapists for a couple of months. Think the outcome is we’re toxic together. I do still love him dearly, but the bickering and arguing is killing us both. We’ve agreed to see the year out together. You sound in need of someoto talk to. Are you ok?
  23. Kate2018

    Will he ever want sex with me again?

    Hi Nicola I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through, wow you have put up with a lot haven't you but that's love I guess. Men with porn and sex addictions struggle with intamacy big time it's not you it's him he used sex workers as there doesn't need to be any emotion from him from my experience it's a fear of being in a loving vulnerable relationship and for him sex workers porn etc is just the chemical reaction of the addiction he craves to feel normal it's a vicious cycle. Have you sought individual therapy? You can get help through psychosexual service it's free I was referred by another therapist not sure what area it is in https://www.national.slam.nhs.uk/services/adult-services/psychosexual/ I'm in a real mess at present I can't cope really struggling with it all but you sound like your very strong, stay strong and look after you x
  24. Kate2018

    Multiple cross addiction? Any hope?

    Thanks tutu I know you are right he has things he needs to deal with and I need to better understand time will help I suppose. Many thanks to you and Christine so grateful I've found this site and everyone here is so supportive it's great I hope I can give back to others sometime.
  25. tutonofap

    Any online support group for partners?

    Hi Kate! I hope you are very well! This are some online forums you can write in: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php / http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php / https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/ ll they have sections for partners. I also recommend you the book "Porn Addict's Wife" by Sandy Brown https://amzn.to/2QqVrkA it has a lot to know about this matter and for your husband this is a very good book "Porn Addiction Cure" by Matt Peplinski https://amzn.to/2PaHgeP it is one of the better books I had found, it also has an online course you can buy with this coupon https://www.udemy.com/sexual-addiction-recovery/?couponCode=BOOKOWNER1 for $9.99 and get the book for free when you are in the course. I imagine you already know about yourbrainonporn.com by Gary Wilson. The book of Sandy Brown would be a great resource for you I hope!
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