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  1. Yesterday
  2. Blessedalways1112

    I am drowning

    My partner is addicted to attention and sex from other women. We still were having sex hes saying hes a sex addict and that I am the only one he can cum in (sorry to be crude) . After lying i backed him in a corber and he told me the truth both times while i was pregnant i dont think i can forgive all this.
  3. Last week
  4. New to this forum so bare with me. I’ve been married for 15 years, knew something not quite right shortly after when he didn’t initiate anything in the bedroom apart from when he’d had a drink, which I refused. Went through usual turmoil - is he gay? Is he A sexual, is it me ? Then 2 years ago found the answers. He’d been on hundreds of porn sites on his phone. I’ve never thought bad of people watching porn together but he always turned off the TV if anything sexy came on. I spoke to him we had a huge row and in the end told me what I now know were lies. He said he’d only just started watching it since he had a smart phone, and that he would stop and quote “sort himself out”. We haven’t been intimate in seven years, almost half of our marriage. I can’t afford to leave him or ask him to leave, and last week found out he’s still doing his thing on a daily basis. Obviously addicted and has been for a very long time. Do I tell him I know it’s still going on? I don’t want a physical relationship with someone so obsessed with other women. It makes me feel sick, unattractive. I’ve lost all my self confidence, even though I put a good act in st work. It’s consuming my every thought, what did I do wrong to deserve this? There’s no way out of it, he just gets better and better at hiding it. Please help
  5. Earlier
  6. kezza

    My heads a mess

    Thank you for the reply. It gives me hope there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. Xxx
  7. Veryunhappy

    My heads a mess

    Hi Kezza, My heart goes out to you. I found out about my husband’s sex addiction about 18months ago. I too went through all the emotions you are describing, it truly was the most awful time of my life. It is really tough but things can get better, if your partner is committed to recovering. 18 months on, me and my husband have a more stronger relationship than ever. Even now I have bad days, if the memories are somehow triggered, for example even if I go past a massage parlour. That’s why I still visit this board, to find out how others are doing. I hope this helps somewhat.
  8. kezza

    My heads a mess

    My partner finally admitted after I found a load of evidence of him contacting massage parlours that he is a sex addict with a preference for sex workers. He only admitted it when I said that I would only stay with him if he took a lie detector test. After a lot of shouting, crying and every emotion possibly I have decided to stick with him we have 15 week old twin boys which is part of my decision but it hurts do bad. Some days I'm happy smiling other days I just want to end it all. 2 days ago he was at a job interview and I was sure he was lying and found myself driving to the massage parlour he has a preference for looking for his car and also wanting to see these girls. My head is all over the place I'm in tears writing this please tell me it gets easier. Also we still decided on the lie detector test as I needed to know things. We agreed to go together after our family holiday in March he then went and booked the test without me knowing and only told me about it when he'd past so he's still lying. We are starting couple counselling tomorrow but I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this.
  9. kezza

    My heads a mess

    My partner finally admitted after I found a load of evidence of him contacting massage parlours that he is a sex addict with a preference for sex workers. He only admitted it when I said that I would only stay with him if he took a lie detector test. After a lot of shouting, crying and every emotion possibly I have decided to stick with him we have 15 week old twin boys which is part of my decision but it hurts do bad. Some days I'm happy smiling other days I just want to end it all. 2 days ago he was at a job interview and I was sure he was lying and found myself driving to the massage parlour he has a preference for looking for his car and also wanting to see these girls. My head is all over the place I'm in tears writing this please tell me it gets easier. Also we still decided on the lie detector test as I needed to know things. We agreed to go together after our family holiday in March he then went and booked the test without me knowing and only told me about it when he'd past so he's still lying. We are starting couple counselling tomorrow but I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this.
  10. Potter

    Confused

    Hi i found out two weeks ago my husband of 25 years 20 years married was a sex addict. We have been frank and honest and he has disclosed everything we are having separate counselling on Thursday. The question I am most confused about is that my husband has blanked me out of his memory. We have been friends since we were teenagers. When he talks about his past etc. Including the time we were dating it’s like I wasn’t there. I have to keep reminding him I was there at that time etc. i feel like he has only just opened his eyes and noticed me the last two weeks. Is this something anyone else has experienced? x
  11. Hi all, Has anyone heard of the Mankind Project? My spouse's therapist suggested that my spouse go to a retreat. I researched it on line and it sounds weird. There is some nudity involved but the men can choose not to take part. I cannot believe the therapist would EVEN suggest this to my husband, as he KNOWS my husband has acted out 4 TIMES with MEN during our marriage (yes we are still together and trying to work on rebuilding--if I can EVER forgive him). And he also has a history of being interested in men due to the sickness of porn/sex addiction and childhood trauma. My problem is that I found out the gross details about 14 months ago, we went through disclosure, I went to betrayal trauma therapy and thought I was doing good. I told my husband I was very upset with his therapist to suggest that group (among others) and I started to have flashbacks. He was not supportive at all and we got into a big fight. After the fact, he realized that his sarcasm, defensiveness and mocking did not help my triggering! He's not going obviously, but does anyone have any feedback? Thanks.
  12. tutonofap

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi friends! As we had talked before, your husbands are expecting not to talk more about the past because they are scared and ashamed, they are scared that if they tell you the whole and deep true you will make yourself more damage than healing, so they don't want to see you broke, they don't want to traumatize you more deeply, they had been discovered with just some part of their addiction, and that part had hurt you enough, so trust me, as you believe, there is lot more there, they had done a lot of more things, but you don't need to know everything to heal, you just have to know something... They had done a lot of mistakes involving sex and addiction... Are you ready to forgive him and move to a healing process? They HAVE to work on this, they have to be 100% honest now, seek for help and theraphy, by themself, for themself, if not they don't want to recover or are not prepared yet... So don't look back in the past, look to the present, does is he going to theraphy? does he working on his recovery? is he doing something to heal? If not its time for you to move and separate, if he is working on his recovery is time for you to be there, present and work side by side together... Look to the present and move to the future... There only two ways... Recovery or Divorce... Recovery: you both have to recover, it takes time, effort and strenght, it can takes at least TWO YEARS to really achieve a full and deep recovery, so don't think that this would be a one time session, no it does not, you have to set clear boundaries and move thru them for at lest two years, there you both would had recovered, off course it can take less time, but be prepared, and be prepared for relapses too, with masturbation, with porn, at least, off course NEVER tell your husband, that you will be there if he relapses, but YOU have to be prepared for HIS relapses, it would happen, and IS a part of the healing process, there is no other way. I apollogize if I'm being to honest and it hurts you, but you deserve to know the truth, the real one... THERE IS NOT A FULL RECOVERY WITH NO RELAPSES... They will happen, maybe one, two or more times, but they will happen, be prepared with love, be smart, and strong to accept it, and they will hurt you less. If they don't happen well, you will not suffer and that is awesome... No everyone relapses, no all recovery process takes two years, but if your husband is weak, alone, very stressed, and so other things, they could relapse, and you have to accept it, not to leave him relapse, binge and be enjoying them.... Please, please, please, do this for you... Don't dig on the past, trust me, there is nothing useful there, just suffering, no useful suffering, just useless suffering, so avoid yourself this... Remember this words as your mojo: Accept (present), Forgive (past) and Flow (future). I really recommend "The Work" from Byron Kattie http://thework.com/en there is a lof of ways to make this work, don't waste your money, get the book, the worksheets, and start doing it. I apollogize in name of your husbands, as you are, we had been just victims on this, and is time to broke that victimization... Only the love can heal us (you and us). With all my love and respect, I ask you, please forgive us for not to be as strongest as we could, for not to break this when we could, please forgive us for fail you...
  13. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    I hope Nicola won’t mind me adding her post to this thread as I found it so helpful. What she says resonates so much with me. Like her I’m still in limbo and taking one day at a time with all the highs and lows they bring. My partner is critical that I won’t ‘look forward,’ ‘move on’ or do do ethi g which in his mind shows I want to build a new future with him. I try to be honest and say I just don’t know. It’s too soon. Has anyone else experienced pressure from their SA partners to just accept and get on with life together ?
  14. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Dear Kate2018, Ter and PJ. As I can’t see how to reply to individual past posts, I am trying it this way ! So we had the therapeutic disclosure session - now 8 months after I began to find out what he’s been doing. It’s taken him since October to write replies to my questions but at least he did and the session took place. And here’s my question to you all and maybe others.....did you or your addict partners expect it to be just one session? My partner clearly did and now he’s in meltdown because we didn’t get through everting in one 2 hr session. We sidetracked into other issues and niggles so I’m not surprised we didn’t get through it. But then I didn’t really expect to get through 20 plus years of deceit and secrets in 2 hours, so I’m okay about it. I saw the session as the start of the disclosure process but he wanted it wrapped up in one session. I guess that’s another indication in our inability to communicate as we both saw the same thing so differently! Has anyone else experienced this? Can anyone else tell me how long their therapeutic disclosure process took? I am really interested to hear about the experiences of others. Thank you.
  15. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Thank you for sharing your story and some of the pain and stress you’re going through. It is really interesting to read the words of a SA as we hear a lot from partners battling with the horror and trauma but not as much from the addict. If I’m honest, whilst I can feel sorry for what you must be going through, I still cannot find in me the part of my brain or my heart that accepts and understands what he’s done and why. Perhaps it’s still too soon as all I still feel is so much hurt, anger and a sense of the worst betrayal possible. Therapy is helping but there’s a long way to go
  16. outofwishes

    Not quite success, but a ray of hope

    This will be my last post and I wanted to explain why. My probation visits have become more relaxed and I felt my officer trusted me enough that I could tell them I was using this forum for support - I actually expected that to be seen as a positive thing. I was wrong and have been instructed not to use this forum any more; that becomes part of my probation terms. The reason given is that I could use it to contact other offenders to arrange, well, nasty stuff. If I don't contact them, they might try to contact me and encourage me to reoffend. No one likes being told what to do and I brought this all on myself, but if the overall aim of the judicial system is to integrate me back into society as a safe and useful citizen then isolating me in this way won't help. I'm also banned from Facebook and thus messenger (it's actually Facebook policy that bans me, though it requires the justice system to inform them - I guess there's no way they can't) I will get past it; my life has changed hugely over the last year. I've lost friends, my job, I'm moving house etc. but I've not viewed porn for over a year and I'm building a new life based around the restrictions imposed on me, I'll be OK. The probation service says they have no problem with me looking at internet porn, but they do have a problem with me seeking the support they are unable to provide. I understand how they got to this position; like so many organisations they need to be seen to be doing something no matter how ineffective it may be, because they know they will be vilified if they put a foot wrong and there's plenty of people who will tell me I don't deserve support anyway. So, I'll continue to read this forum and will post again in 6 and a half years
  17. The biggest alternative to 12 steps is probably the SMART program. Not only is it non-spiritual, it takes a very scientific look at recovery. Instead of the 12-step mantra of "I am powerless to stop" it flips the script to say, "I am the only one who has the power to make myself stop." Whether it's a problem or an addiction, you may also want to find a therapist who has expertise in addiction. There's a reason you use beyond "it makes me feel better" and I found that once I went to an addiction specialist and begin to understand why I used, I was able to walk away from the rigorous dogma of the 12-step programs. Being able to talk 1-on-1 to somebody was like packing 10 12-step meetings into an hour. I appreciate their success rate, but like you, had some issues with the God stuff and cookie-cutter way it looked at addiction. Good luck to you.
  18. tutonofap

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi friends! First of all I like to tell you that I a man, and a Sex addict for so many years, so I came from the other side of the story, very sadly I had being SA for many years now, at least, 14 years, I don't really know when did this started on my life... So if any of you would like to know something from this point of view, I'm here to answer, off course my story is very different from your partners, but I had scaled very deeply on this addiction, I had being with all kind of sexual partners, girls, granny, shemale, guys, old guys, porn, extreme porn, and a horrible lot of things I had done, exhibitionism in public places like parks, street, or buses, I masturbated a lot of times in front of my mother's wife. And I lost my wife, my partner for 12 years, so I know what painful could be this. With this what I like to tell you is that I deeply know about this addiction, I had been fighting with this since like 6 months now, and had been the worse addiction I had on my life (I was addicted to coca cola, marihuana 14 years - at least 8 joints by day, alcohol) and all of them was a joke compared with SA, this is really painful and horrible addiction... I had not suffered harder and so much with no other thing on life The first question I did myself is: How did I did this to me? How this came into my life? How did I lost my love for myself? And its devasting when you can't find an answer to any of this questions... I see myself on the mirror, and I did not reconized me anymore... I had cried, and wished to die, just to understand. So if any of your husbands could not tell you nothing is not a lie, we can not explain ourselves how all this happend, this is not a choice, this is an addiction that controls you over and over... I'm alone now, with no wife, with no friends, so I try to recover just for myself, no for anybody else, and when I had relapsed, I always say to myself: why did you did it? What f**** happend again? And I can not explain myself nothing... I know a very lot about recovery process, excercises, and all that kind of stuff, I know where my addictions come from, I know my childhood issues, and I'm still struggling with this... Is horrible, but I know that every day I keep fighting is a day won to my recovery... Just for me, just for my own love. So if any of your husbands could not tell you the true, or details you like to know, is because he is ashamed, is because he really loves you... The first question you have to learn to deal with is... Why did he made this to me??? Take yourself out of this question.... Why did he made this??? Do you see the difference? Your husband did not did this to you, he was not trying to damage you, he really loves you, for that reason he stayed there, in your life with you, with your family... Are a victim? YES, you are, you did not deserved this happened, but he did not did this to you, this is not personal... HE DID HIS WORSE MISTAKE EVER and you are now being affected, but it was not about you, it was not about your family, your children, it was not about no one else... It was a VERY DEEPLY MISTAKE, the worse a man can do in his life, and he is suffering as much as you do, trust me about this, he is really suffering, deeply, he likes to die (if he connected to his innerself). So this is not a moral thing, is an addiction thing, we had became addicted to our worse mistake on life and we want to recover from it. Any question you like to ask, I'm here to help, I know what you are living, and let me tell you something, in name of all men on this addiction, I say: we are so sorry to had failed you girls, you did not deserved this, we not deserved either, so please forgive us, trust on us, and help us to recover... We are the first victims on this hell and we need help! For you all: -Your story is different to anyone else story's so just learn what you can and move on to deal with your very specific life. -You are not forced to stay with your partner, if you feel that you have to leave him, if that is your healthy way now, do it, move on and forget about him. -If you are, your family or kids are in any kind of risk, run for help, call the police or any legal department you considered. -If your husband is really committed to recover, and you can, support him, if not move on and leave him alone. All my love and respect! Have a wonderful new year!
  19. Recoveringaddict

    Non-religious alternative to 12 steps

    Im in SAA and all i do is replace god with my family. They talk about the higher power and what them means to me as an individual. I dont believe in god but i do believe in family and its family that gets me through this.
  20. Does anyone know of a non-religious alternative to the 12 steps program? I would say I have a problem, rather than an addiction, but I would like to find I groups I can talk this through with without being told the only answer s finding god.
  21. Concerned Parent

    Concerned About Son

    That's helpful, thank you for replying. I'll see if I can find a doctor who can advise, many thanks.
  22. Joshua Shea

    Concerned About Son

    You could say he's acting like an addict....or you could also say he's acting like a teenager. I know the brain injury caused mental damage, but physically, he's still a teen soon to be in the prime of his sexual life if you believe men hit their peak in the late teens/early 20s. I don't know enough about his condition to speak with any degree of certainty, but is it possible he's simply acting on physical urges? His behavior sounds like that of a typical, physically healthy 16-year-old. While he may or may not understand the context of what he's looking at, he clearly still wants it. And like any kid over the age of 5, mental or otherwise, he'll lie to his parents to get it. Let's admit, sexual urges are the most basic of human instincts and are one of the only things we share with every other species in the animal kingdom. I guess what I wonder is how much of this is your concern about him watching porn -- which statistics suggest is typical among today's 16-year-old males -- and how much is that you simply don't like pornography? I understand your fears that he will descend into addiction, but it sounds more like he's simply hiding it from you because he knows you have a negative reaction. Saying that sex/nudity isn't bad, but then banning him from seeing it sends very mixed messages. I can't tell you what to do, but I think a professional doctor who had dealt with people with brain injuries, or perhaps even issues like autism, might be able to better guide you through this time. I'm not a fan of pornography...I became an addict and it ruined my life (or I should say I let it ruin my life)...but I also understand there are many people out there to whom it is passing fancy at best. I don't know where you son fits on the spectrum, but professional help is the way to go. I wish you the best of luck.
  23. Concerned Parent

    Concerned About Son

    Hello there everybody and thank you for allowing me to join the forum I don't really know where to turn and when I was looking for resources online this forum came up so I'm hoping there may be someone on here who can point me in the right direction. I have some concerns about my son. He's 16, but has a brain injury so is mentally more like an eight year old child. He has various disabilities because of this and can't go out on his own or stay at home by himself. I have been very open with him through his teenage years about puberty, sex, relationships and so on and bought him several books that are written for teenagers with autism and learning disabilities to help him understand that changes are natural, as is masturbating, being interested in sex, feeling aroused and so on. The whole process seemed to make sense for him and I had thought we'd got through that whole phase fairly well. About a month ago I found out he'd been watching porn on his laptop. I hadn't even been aware he could access it as I thought I'd put parental blocks in place. It turned out that I'd only blocked the browser, not the internet provider, so he was using a different browser (I'm a technophobe and didn't even know those where different things; I just thought as I'd put a block on he wouldn't be able to see anything). I had quite a long chat with him about it and explained that porn isn't a good way to learn about sex and it's better to spend time with people and doing fun activities rather than watching things on the internet. He seemed to understand what I was saying and I made him up some worksheets so he had the information to refer back to. I thought we had sorted that out; he said he wouldn't do it again and that he was sorry etc and I thought all was well. About a week later I found out he'd been accessing porn on my phone; again, I didn't realise he could get onto it that way and hadn't thought to check. I blocked that straight away and this time had a firmer talk with him and told him he wasn't to do it. Again, he apologised and said he understood, etc. Again about a week later I checked his laptop and found he'd been watching things on YouTube - it probably isn't what most people would call porn but it was sexualised content and not suitable for him to be watching. Again, I didn't know that I needed to put separate controls on YouTube so I did that and again spoke to him about it. He very calmly lied and told me he hadn't looked at anything and never would. I knew that wasn't true because of the history on his laptop and again I was plain with him and told him he wasn't to do it. I also mentioned that some types of porn are illegal and he could get into trouble with the police if he watched something like that. He got very upset and I thought perhaps a short, sharp shock was a better way to do things and wondered if that had worked where the calm talking hadn't. Again, he promised he'd never do it again, and so on. He hasn't looked at anything since, up until today. Again, it's not necessarily what others would call porn but it is sexualised and not suitable for someone with his mental age. Again, it's on YouTube, I've confiscated his devices and we've spoken about it but I don't really know what to do next. I appreciate this might not seem a big deal in the grand scheme of things but my concern is that his behaviour seems, to me, to be quite typical of an addict - he's done things in secret knowing that he shouldn't, he's lied about what he's doing, he's sought other ways of accessing it when certain ways have been blocked to him and even things that have upset him, like the police being mentioned or the threat of having his devices confiscated, hasn't made him stop altogether. It just seems to me to be the start of an addictive pattern and, given his mental disabilities and his very limited social skills (he's at his happiest in his bedroom and doesn't like being around people or busy places) I'm concerned it could become a serious problem. I realise I could just take away his laptop and that would be an end to it, but I feel it might be better to try to get to the root of the problem, as I worry he'll just keep trying to find other ways to get to it. I've struggled to find any resources that are specifically written for people with learning difficulties so that he might be able to read and understand them. I'm nervous about speaking to college or social services/GP etc as I'm worried that they may jump in with both feet and make the problem worse. Equally I don't want to just do nothing and I don't want him to think that any kind of sex/nudity etc is bad, I just don't want him watching that and I'm worried about what seems to me to be addictive behaviour. Anyway I'm sorry that is so long! I just wondered if anyone might have any thoughts or suggestions as to what to do or who to ask for help? I know that most sixteen year old boys would be looking at or aware of porn but given that his mental age is so much lower than his actual age I'm concerned about the effect it might have on him and want to try to stop things becoming more problematic if possible. Thank you in advance
  24. Hi Ruby I am sorry to hear about all you are going through - being a partner of a SA is grim, and sometimes worse than grim! You can find a lot of really helpful information about the impact of a caution (any criminal history) on www.unlock.org.uk - they are excellent.
  25. Hi both, As someone who found out my partner was a porn and sex addict nearly 7 months ago now I just wanted to say I totally understand how you're feeling and have been/go through the same emotions. I can't say my advice is right but just wanted to share some things I've found to be helpful in case it helps you too. I haven't made any decisions about my relationship either way yet but I'm focussing on my own self care and giving myself time. Triggers, upsets, arguments will come out of nowhere and floor you emotionally, but looking after yourself at other times can help you deal with these times and recover from them more quickly. Do whatever you need to do to take pressure and expectations off yourself, give yourself some space. For me at the moment that's wanting more time apart and not going to family functions where I have to pretend everything is fine (only some of his family know our situation). You also need to see from your partner that he's willing to work on himself by going to therapy, and on the relationship, by learning about the partner's experience, recognising the importance of couples counselling etc. Frustratingly it will take time for the latter, but don't put yourselves through all this if he's not willing to work on himself or the relationship. With regards to sex and intimacy it's not something I've been able to give much thought to... we're just not there yet. He clearly has a lot to work through and I don't know how this will all end up for us. But it is important, as you are doing, Nicola, to work out what you want and value in that domain. You'll have to decide if you're willing to wait the time it may take your partner to be in anywhere like the same place as you are when it comes to being able to have an intimate relationship, and if you want to take the risk of finding out how long that will take and if you'll be on a similar page when you get there. Wait if you feel it's the right thing to do but don't sacrifice yourself and your right to a loving, honest relationship too much xx
  26. outofwishes

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    It seems that you must put some distance between yourself (and children) and this man for safety's sake and a divorce is clearly a sensible option as the other posters here have said. I agree with Josh that involving the police is a huge step and you need to be sure that there is no other option to get the outcomes you want; especially the safety of your daughter. But I would just add this; few are beyond redemption. Right now you need to feel safe and separation seems pretty much unavoidable, possibly for many years. But if your husband genuinely seeks change, there may come a time (years hence) when he can take some part in the life of you and your children; the man you loved, married and had a child with is still in there somewhere. That said, the well-being of yourself and children must come first and building a life without your husband seems to be your priority now.
  27. tutonofap

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    Hi Distraught81! and members... Well this seems to be a really hard thing for anyone to go thru it, so first of all I wish you are fine and remember that your children needs you a lot right now, also you need take care of you so not to loose the control. For security reasons I will recommend that ask your husband to move to other place, he could become anger and agressive so you or your children could be in any kind of risk, so ask for professional help in order to know how to proceed, and you have to be fastest as you can to protect yourself and your children. About your divorce it is not important what anyone else thinks about it... The more dangerous emotions related to sex addiction are shame and fear, so you have to move far away of them. Maybe you can call to any official phone service to ask for phiscological assistance over the phone, trust your gut, it will never fail... Do whatever you do, remember: This is not about yourself, this is his struggle and sometimes you have to move away and let him to resolve it alone. We are here to support you so write whatever you feel, break your fear, break your silence, break your shame and take your life back. A great hug for you!
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