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  1. Last week
  2. Hi both, As someone who found out my partner was a porn and sex addict nearly 7 months ago now I just wanted to say I totally understand how you're feeling and have been/go through the same emotions. I can't say my advice is right but just wanted to share some things I've found to be helpful in case it helps you too. I haven't made any decisions about my relationship either way yet but I'm focussing on my own self care and giving myself time. Triggers, upsets, arguments will come out of nowhere and floor you emotionally, but looking after yourself at other times can help you deal with these times and recover from them more quickly. Do whatever you need to do to take pressure and expectations off yourself, give yourself some space. For me at the moment that's wanting more time apart and not going to family functions where I have to pretend everything is fine (only some of his family know our situation). You also need to see from your partner that he's willing to work on himself by going to therapy, and on the relationship, by learning about the partner's experience, recognising the importance of couples counselling etc. Frustratingly it will take time for the latter, but don't put yourselves through all this if he's not willing to work on himself or the relationship. With regards to sex and intimacy it's not something I've been able to give much thought to... we're just not there yet. He clearly has a lot to work through and I don't know how this will all end up for us. But it is important, as you are doing, Nicola, to work out what you want and value in that domain. You'll have to decide if you're willing to wait the time it may take your partner to be in anywhere like the same place as you are when it comes to being able to have an intimate relationship, and if you want to take the risk of finding out how long that will take and if you'll be on a similar page when you get there. Wait if you feel it's the right thing to do but don't sacrifice yourself and your right to a loving, honest relationship too much xx
  3. outofwishes

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    It seems that you must put some distance between yourself (and children) and this man for safety's sake and a divorce is clearly a sensible option as the other posters here have said. I agree with Josh that involving the police is a huge step and you need to be sure that there is no other option to get the outcomes you want; especially the safety of your daughter. But I would just add this; few are beyond redemption. Right now you need to feel safe and separation seems pretty much unavoidable, possibly for many years. But if your husband genuinely seeks change, there may come a time (years hence) when he can take some part in the life of you and your children; the man you loved, married and had a child with is still in there somewhere. That said, the well-being of yourself and children must come first and building a life without your husband seems to be your priority now.
  4. Earlier
  5. tutonofap

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    Hi Distraught81! and members... Well this seems to be a really hard thing for anyone to go thru it, so first of all I wish you are fine and remember that your children needs you a lot right now, also you need take care of you so not to loose the control. For security reasons I will recommend that ask your husband to move to other place, he could become anger and agressive so you or your children could be in any kind of risk, so ask for professional help in order to know how to proceed, and you have to be fastest as you can to protect yourself and your children. About your divorce it is not important what anyone else thinks about it... The more dangerous emotions related to sex addiction are shame and fear, so you have to move far away of them. Maybe you can call to any official phone service to ask for phiscological assistance over the phone, trust your gut, it will never fail... Do whatever you do, remember: This is not about yourself, this is his struggle and sometimes you have to move away and let him to resolve it alone. We are here to support you so write whatever you feel, break your fear, break your silence, break your shame and take your life back. A great hug for you!
  6. Joshua Shea

    Husband addicted to cstfishing

    Your husband clearly has a problem (or problems) that have made your life a living hell and you shouldn't have to stand for it. If you want a divorce, don't ask for it. Demand it. Get it done. I won't get into my entire story, but I did a fair amount of catfishing back in the day, but this brings it to another level. He's pimping you out and forcing you to film in. That could be considered a criminal act depending how he coerced you. At the least it's mental cruelty. This is just me, I but after seeing what he's done with your stepson, it's just another step before he's messing with your daughter. He's clearly and unwell man and for the sake of the children, and you, this is not somebody who should be in your life when they are this sick. I do have pity for your husband. He is very ill and needs some serious long-term help and while you can nudge him in the direction, it's on him to get himself well and it's on you to make sure your kids and you are safe. Don't call the cops...it feels like the right thing to do in the moment, but it will embarrass your son and put your husband through a series of situations that you may not fully understand. I would not do this without speaking to your son first, and I'm still not sure it's the right thing to do. Who cares what you tell people? Tell them: "We've grown apart" "He made some decisions I don't agree with" "It's run it's course" "We fell out of love" It doesn't matter what people think about your divorce. It's a lot easier to tell them about your divorce than about the stuff he's been doing. For your sake and the kids' you've got to get moving on this.
  7. My husband, for the last 2 years has been addicted to hook up sites (fabswingers, POF, Tinder). I initially went on fab with him, just go try and stop the lies, but it didn't work. He created numerous accounts and started messaging me. He also bullied me in to meeting another man for sex, which I had to film for him. He then started sexting this man, pretending to me a woman. He eventually admitted he had a problem and went to the doc. The referral has taken months and months. I have recently found out that he has been sexting my 17 year old son (who is his stepson) pretending to be a female. There has been initiate pictures of my son been sent. My husband has joined sex addicts anonymous and has attended 2 meetings so far. I want to call the police and report him, but I don't want my son embarrassed. My husband disgusts me, like proper makes my skin crawl. He said that it wasn't a sexual thing towards my son, it just got out of hand. We have a 7 year old daughter together. I'm absolutely lost as to what to do. I have asked for a divorce obviously, but I don't know what to tell people.
  8. Kate2018

    Will he ever want sex with me again?

    Hi Nicola thank you so much. Like you things have been pretty horrific but we're having a good week. It's strange how it's going great one minute then back on the crazy train. I have a therapist now which is good but it's all been a huge shocy to my system and the pain it causes is unbelievable. I'm in a stuck place at the moment I keep going around in circles,! But better than previous weeks thank you. I hope you and your hubby can get through this x
  9. Kate2018

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi Ruby this must be a blow, someone told me last week fear and shame rules the addict I guess that's why it's so hard for our husbands to be honest with us. Yes as far as I am aware if your husband applies for a job he would have to state he's been cautioned, many jobs do a crb I think it shows up but it doesn't necessarily mean that he won't get a job but I guess it depends on what he does for a living. How are you doing silly question I know but sometimes it's nice just to be asked,! hope things improve for you x
  10. Nicola

    Will he ever want sex with me again?

    Hi Kate, thank you for your message and the link. Nearly 3 months on from my post. We’ve both been seeing separate therapists for a couple of months. Think the outcome is we’re toxic together. I do still love him dearly, but the bickering and arguing is killing us both. We’ve agreed to see the year out together. You sound in need of someoto talk to. Are you ok?
  11. Kate2018

    Will he ever want sex with me again?

    Hi Nicola I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through, wow you have put up with a lot haven't you but that's love I guess. Men with porn and sex addictions struggle with intamacy big time it's not you it's him he used sex workers as there doesn't need to be any emotion from him from my experience it's a fear of being in a loving vulnerable relationship and for him sex workers porn etc is just the chemical reaction of the addiction he craves to feel normal it's a vicious cycle. Have you sought individual therapy? You can get help through psychosexual service it's free I was referred by another therapist not sure what area it is in https://www.national.slam.nhs.uk/services/adult-services/psychosexual/ I'm in a real mess at present I can't cope really struggling with it all but you sound like your very strong, stay strong and look after you x
  12. Kate2018

    Multiple cross addiction? Any hope?

    Thanks tutu I know you are right he has things he needs to deal with and I need to better understand time will help I suppose. Many thanks to you and Christine so grateful I've found this site and everyone here is so supportive it's great I hope I can give back to others sometime.
  13. tutonofap

    Any online support group for partners?

    Hi Kate! I hope you are very well! This are some online forums you can write in: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php / http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php / https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/ ll they have sections for partners. I also recommend you the book "Porn Addict's Wife" by Sandy Brown https://amzn.to/2QqVrkA it has a lot to know about this matter and for your husband this is a very good book "Porn Addiction Cure" by Matt Peplinski https://amzn.to/2PaHgeP it is one of the better books I had found, it also has an online course you can buy with this coupon https://www.udemy.com/sexual-addiction-recovery/?couponCode=BOOKOWNER1 for $9.99 and get the book for free when you are in the course. I imagine you already know about yourbrainonporn.com by Gary Wilson. The book of Sandy Brown would be a great resource for you I hope!
  14. tutonofap

    Multiple cross addiction? Any hope?

    I was addicted to marihuana for 14 years, to alcohol for some other years and to porn for almost 26 years (since I had ten) so I can tell you that multiple addictions are common, maybe not usual, but well some of we had been addicted wothout know about it... For me my life was normal as all my friends are addicted too, so 1 year ago I had told you that I was a happy normal person, so maybe your husband is someone like me, work in yourself, and let him work on himself, keep with him until you can, start talking with love, and try to understand where his addictions live so he can understand what is going on.... As Christine told you this is his live and he has to work on his therapy for himself first... Take care on you, and support him as much as you can, but don´t leave this that ruin your life as well, go a step by step, one day at a time, love for you and for him. You will win this fight!
  15. tutonofap

    Restarted masturbation

    Kate 2018 Thank you so much for your support, is so valuable for me, I had relapsed some times this past week, with PMO so I'm restarting on Hard Mode again, I'm on my 5° day again, the urges had been so hard and difficult to control, but I feel so well because I'm going again, it is hard but it is achievable, so I will go again... I do a lot of things to control the urges, also I lost my wife for my addiction so I'm alonte on this with this, I have some friends that are supporting me, but anyway this is a problem I have to win alone, nobody excepts me can do nothing, so I will win my 90 days on sobriety this time. I really appreciate your help! You are a great person, please never leave alone to your husband, give him your support as you are doing, this is the worse addiction I had fought with, recovery is not easy, but is achievable, so you husband is very, very lucky having you there, what you do is a great action of love and compassion. If any time you want to ask me something or just talk about this, please feel free to contact me, would be a pleasure to talk and share whatever you want to know in order to support your husband... So let's keep going with this!
  16. Kate2018

    Multiple cross addiction? Any hope?

    Thanks for your advice Christine your right I know I can't change him but I just wanted to know if anyone had this problem and worked through it. I've since read on another site it says it can be common to have another addiction but who knows,. I will leave him if he doesn't work on himself to change though I know this takes time but not sure how much I can give. I love him more than anything but I am now putting myself first and have loved him and lived with him like this for 22 years. I'm doing all I can for myself took a holiday alone i do fitness classes with friends again, I've joined a 12 step group this week as well as therapy I will speak to therapist re your advice otherwise not going to get anywhere. The thing is even if I leave I know I have to work on me because his behaviours intended or not have seriously damaged my self esteem confidence with everyone and trust issues the gaslighting is what's done it. thanks again x
  17. Christine

    Multiple cross addiction? Any hope?

    Kate Thanks for posting on the forum, it is not usual for someone to have other dependence or addictive behaviours and if he is in therapy then hopefully this will get picked up and looked at as part of the whole situation. Although you very much want to support your partner and focus on his needs, he is the only person who can do his own recovery journey, with the support of professionals and groups addressing addiction. He has to face his lifestyle of addiction, understand it and acknowledge the change he needs to make, this change needs to be moving into a place of sobriety and on to real recovery. Not knowing whether he can do this must be very difficult for you, but for you what do you need to do right now for you. You cannot make him change, you cannot control his behaviour and it is not down to you. So what can you do to benefit you right now...........concentrate on looking after you, what do you need, who can support you, what can you focus on that will allow you to stay calm. Have you got some activities you can do to focus yourself and your mind on other things as this process is going to take time. Maybe you should speak to the therapist you are working with and ask her if you can talk about what is affecting you at the moment, use this time to look at the current situation rather than your history in your next session.
  18. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    So another body blow in all this mess.....it seems he was given a police caution for indecent exposure a few years ago - when we were together. I’d previously asked him about the impact of his activities on his health and whether he’d ever done anything illegal or had police interest. He’d denied anything on both accounts. Do the lies ever stop? I’m also not sure what this means for him in terms of what’s on his record and what employers etc may see or have seen
  19. Kate2018

    How do I forgive and move on?

    Hi so sorry for what happened to you. he's addicted it's an addiction and it may be controlled but not cured it's like any addiction. There is a lot of support out there for partners. I've been reading lots of books and I'm only2/3 months in have a therapist and joining a group which has been difficult to find depending on where you are try COSA. I have said some dreadful things to my husband in anger and I regret that I've also apologised for this. But I do struggle to control my feelings since I found out so much about him my past feels like a lie, we've been married 14 years together 22 my only partner also. Try reading Paula Hall book for partners and sheri keffer book she is also a religious lady and counseller who went through this herself it's a brilliant book. They say its not about us but it feels like it is I kno, my confidence is in bits but Im still here and it's not my shame to carry because my husband has done these things and when I think I'm worthless to him I say to myself it's his shit, sorry to sware I'm not religious so that's what I say to myself. I guess your husband will feel more ashamed being a religious man too. But you need to work on you that's what I'm doing now do things you enjoy go for a massage exercise get a manicure sleep etc. Good luck let us know how you get on x
  20. Kate2018

    Restarted masturbation

    Hi I believe from my husbands sa therapist that some mastubation can be healthy within reason I mean it's when it becomes excessive I guess and from what your saying its a problem for you. There's SAA online meetings for men those are 12 step programmes and free. I've been looking for online meeting as I'm miles from meetings too I'm a partner and they are so difficult to find. Ps don't feel guilty look at what you have achieved on your own. Maybe try some distraction techniques when triggered I'm no expert at all just a thought maybe go for a run Walk the dog read a book. Also if you have a partner be honest then your not going it alone and he or she should understand that your being forthright in your recovery sometimes we go back to go forwards! good luck
  21. Hi friends! I had being trying to recover alone so I have not money to pay for a professional treatment and also there is not a 12 step program near my city, so I'm doing what I can, my longest streak was 62 days on hard mode (no sex, orgasm, ejaculation, porn or masturbation) after that time I started to feel very depressed and frustrated, so I decided to give a try to conscious masturbation (masturbation with no porn, fantasies, or any other stimuli, just physical sensations) so in november I had just masturbated two times with conscious masturbation to orgasm) but Im trying to reach 90 days in hard mode again, but I had a hard time passing from 10 days, basically every 10 days I had masturbated, so its very fine, there is no porn, no false stimuli, just physical sensations, but I'm afraid of a more serious relapse, I found that masturbation is one of my hardest addictions. So what can I do to start abstaining again? Usually I feel fine, but I had just did a masturbation some hour ago and now I'm feeling bad and guilty. Thank you for your help and time
  22. Kate2018

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Thank you Ruby and all the best wishes for you. Sheri keffer is religious I'm not but it's not all religious in the book just sections so I skip those! Yes there are so many unexplained events and the gaslighting he's done over the years similar to you he made me believe I was going crazy. Its tough but like you I'm finding things for myself and children. The worst thing is he's such a charmer and seems so honest my own mother thinks I'm nuts the things I've found on his phone and pc he still denies but he's very technical and is always one step ahead so I've stopped trying to dig as that was crazy making. Thinking of you keep us posted x
  23. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi Kate. Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear you’ve also been put in such a dreadful position. I was going to write that I’m sorry you’re also a victim but then I thought about it and wondered whether or not that’s what we are ? Yes it’s hell and yes it’s sonething I never ever ever thought I’d be a part of but I’m not sure if I’m a victim.....hmmm. Anyway I agree Paula Halls books for the partners and the perpetrators are really good and I’ll also try the other you recommend. I find those that have an overly religious theme or tone off putting - at least for me as I’m not remotely religious in any way. I do have a SA therapist who is amazing but at the start of this we didn’t know such a thing existed and so my husband sought help from a counsellor specialised in childhood abuse. We thought that was the right way forward to be fair. We didn’t make the link to SA at all then. It came later. However I think now, whilst the therapy is I hope helping him come to terms with what’s buried deep from childhood, nothing seems to come from it to help the ‘us’ in all of this. It makes me despair that he’s 7 months into therapy and I see no concrete evidence or demonstration of how it is helping him to take responsibility for what he’s done, be accountable and help us as a couple rebuild. So I’d say as a warning to anyone faced with an SA partner, finding the right support is vital. At least he’s now coming to the disclosure part with my SA specialist so maybe there’s hope. Two months in ......I can remember that time and even then wanting to know every detail from the off and being ‘hit’ on a daily basis with waves of anger despair and then oddly, revelation about something which at the time I hadn’t been able to fathom. It might have been an explanation for where he’d been or a timing that didn’t quite fit with what he’d said he was doing which didn’t quite add up. Another was people saying they’d seen my car in a location thst I knew wasn’t me and shouldn’t have been my husband that I puzzled about and then shrugged off. Little instances at the time but now of course I realise why. He was out finding it meeting men. There was a point when I actually considered I may have early onset dementia as these instances got me so puzzled and I told my husband I was considering going to see my GP about it. Even that didn’t stop him . Being only a few months ahead of you on the journey I may not really be in a position to help but what I can say is focus on you and your needs and those if your children if that’s applicable. I have started to concentrate on parts of my life that don’t involve him but where I can be strong and find focus away from the horror, even if only for a short while . I’ve started to do more exercise, take my dogs on walks in places that are open and I can see for miles and breathe! I go to talks and concerts and things I wouldn’t have done before - it’s helping me a lot . My children get a lot more of my attention now as well because I want them to know my love for them won’t waiver no matter what and they need support thru all this too so I’m there for them . I hold with hope and believe somehow like many other women, and men too I guess, I will get through it one day and emerge the other end battered maybe, but stronger for it I hope my ramblings help you a little . R
  24. Kate2018

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Oh Ruby I'm so sorry to hear this just read your July post how devastating for you . A sa specialist is a must it could really help if you can both find one. Me and my husband have separate therapy with different sex addiction therapists not very far in but there's definitely an understanding from mine this far. I'm glad to hear your at disclosure I realise this is dreadful but it may give you what you need to move on together or apart. I'm no where near only2 months in and it's hell so I can understand I guess you've had a double blow with it being men that your husband has acted out with and I'm really sorry and sympathise x. I've been reading Paula's book I'd very much recommend it and sheri keffers book. Keep us posted good luck and hope things go as well as can for you
  25. Hi everyone I hope you are all as well as can be. I just wondered if anyone has experienced a partner with multiple addiction is there any hope? My husband is a porn addict, he has been what I would believe is alcohol dependent where he's in such a state he needs help getting to bed being sick et. And ruined many events. This is happening again since he stopped porn and ogling in front of me or he says he has I'm not sure I believe him but that's my insecurity. He's also a gambling addict of 10 years and struggled with gaming addictions I found all this out in the last 2 months I just thought he was silly with drink before, but now I think he has a problem I mean he has not come home on many occasions of binge drinking over the years and god knows what else. He's really abusing the alcohol again recently and is blaming the choice of drink instead of admitting this is another escape. He's in therapy with a sex and addiction specialist I'm not sure how to get through. I'm I therapy but only once a fortnight and only done2 sessions which this far has been an overview and background info. Any advice would be much appreciated many thanks.
  26. Ruby

    Husband a sex addict but with men

    Hi. We are on the brink of a therapeutic disclosure process. At long last. I’ve written scores of questions but I’m damned sure I won’t get answers to all of them. We are still trying to make it work but something has definitely died in me as far as the marriage is concerned. I’m not sure if we will get through it and maybe once I know the truth I won’t want to go on. It’s taken 7 months to get here and it’s been a dreadful 7 months all in all. I also feel the counselling he’s getting which isn’t with a specialist SA counsellor isn’t really helping us. It’s addressing some of the reasons he says are responsible for his devastating activities but it’s no where near helping us. Can’t help thinking that’s not right. It seems to be widening the gulf not trying to resolve it.
  27. Hello I just wondered if anyone knows or has any links for online support groups for partners. I'm struggling to find anything in my location the nearest meeting appears to be 50 miles away. And although I have a therapist I'm feeling pretty isolated it would be nice to meet people in similar situations. Many thanks in advance.
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