Jump to content
Gem

Partner/ex partner in rehab - the Medows

Recommended Posts

I had been dating my partner for over two years. The first day I met him, I thought he was the “one”.  We connected in a way we had both never felt.  Under a year into our relationship we were experiencing rocky patches, he was coming home continually after 3am and drinking a lot.   I knew my partner was social and could talk for hours to anyone that would listen (he is Irish :-). So I thought nothing of it.  

I had always felt suspicious, as he always had his phone with him everywhere.  On two occasions I found texts, pictures and videos from other women. It wasn’t just one, it was multiple.  Graphic pictures, videos and texts that to be honest, I was disgusted reading.   From the day I met him, I knew sexually he was experimental, I was only to a “vanilla” extend.  The first time I found the texts we were four months into seeing each other so I forgave him as it was early days and he promised he wouldn’t do it again. The second time I found a message (1.5 years in), he decided it was time to move out. He said it would “help” our relationship.  It ended up doing the opposite. There was endless silence when trying to contact him via text, email or calling. When he did contact he was either crying or saying how much he loves me and that he’s always so sorry and wants a life with me.  He evens few months ago sent me a video of him crying saying that I am the love of his life and he only wants to be with me.   He was due to move back in June this year, I went on a holiday with my sister and niece and he had my door keys to move back in.  While I was on a holiday he was breaking down, he was saying that he was unsure about how he feels and if he could do this.  He then went quiet which stressed me out on holiday! I got back and he was at the airport waiting for me but very mean to me when we got back to my flat.  A few days later I sent him a voice note to say that I need to let go, I love him but I can’t go through it.   I heard nothing for a month, until he text me on the first day of his rehab in arizona. I was in utter shock and anger.  I wasn’t aware of his sex addiction. I do know of his adhd and drinking but we didn’t discuss prior that this was a sex addiction.  I responded telling him to get lost and I met someone else.  I guess I wanted to hurt him, like he hurt me. I was so angry, the person I loved the most and thought that loved me had this addiction. Yet he couldn’t just tell me, he couldn’t contact me before he went to the US.

This is now12 weeks on and I’ve still heard nothing from him. He spent July to sept in the gentle path rehab and then he went to his mums for a week and then back to the US for the outpatients part of the rehab treatment. I have no idea how long he will be in that for.

im worried I’ve lost him for Good and rehab would tell him to cut ties and start a clean slate. I left messages when he was in the inpatient rehab, but no contact back.  His mum and sad don’t talk to me as they said before that I’m wasting my time due to my age and wanting a family.  It’s been so tough as I feel I’ve left him alone. I feel awful for also saying on the first day of his rehab I met someone else.   Any advice or anyone else experience this? Did your partner do rehab? How are they after?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paula has written a book for partners, you can also buy it on the kindle app etc. I would recommend reading it. I can't advise you on his position but I think the book would really help,].

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you may have to accept he is on his own journey.  Thats not to say that will be with or without you but maybe get some therapy yourself. Give yourself time then maybe reach out to him. I spent almost 20 years with my husband before finding out he is a SA. We have children, I love him very much, my first response was to fight for him. Thankfully we have had a great therapist that has worked with Paula and he has been involved from the start. It took a few months for my other half to stop petit slips and really get on track each time he did something stupid it broke my heart a fresh. I know how that feels and I am sorry you are in so much pain. Thankfully we are currently on track and my other half seems to be making great progress but he almost did as much damage whilst I waited for him be ready to make real changes as he did when I first found out. I can't say we are living a happy ever after but we are in a better position we have been in for years and we are committed but we have both really put the work in and are continuing do so. I hope it goes well for you. I can read how much pain your in. Good therapy shouldn't have told him to cut ties with you, unless that is his choice but if he isn't responding maybe he needs time. Maybe he isn't really ready or  committed to his therapy. I can't tell you what he is thinking. I think you have to deal with the pain you are in and the damage this has caused you for now. I'm so sorry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing.

I am in pain. I was told through his family that his therapist tells him who he can and can’t contact and when.  He can’t be reached either. He’s in outpatient therapy in the US now for a couple of months. Even though he’s completed  inpatient for two and a half months too. Being in the UK and he’s in the US is so far from home.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×