Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Lulu18

HELP! Broken boundaries - sick with worry - what do I do?

Recommended Posts

My husband completed a 4 week residential programme for SA in June and is currently going through the 12 steps with a sponsor. He had a number of addictions but the most recent and problematic was using on line porn and internet dating sites.  As part of his recovery and to enable me to trust him, he agreed not to bring his smart phone home from work in the evenings and at weekends.  Instead he transfers the sim to a Nokia phone in case of work emergencies. 

This morning however, I walked in on him and he began acting very strangely.  I immediately knew there was something wrong. He left the room to speak to our daughter and I discovered his smartphone hidden under the table. My old fears have immediately come back and I feel worried sick that he has been acting out and hiding it again. I confronted him after our daughter left for school and he was at first defensive but then got very upset and sheepish and said he had brought it home in his briefcase by accident and was just charging it (it was plugged in when I found it). The problem is, I checked through it and, whilst I found nothing untoward, there were messages sent to friends at 9.00 pm last night and at 1.00 o’clock this morning. So, he is lying to me about not having used it at all. I don’t know what to think or how to deal with this. I just feel so betrayed and scared.  Even if he has done nothing wrong (and let’s face it, he would use private browsing).I know he is lying to me about using it so how can I trust that he is not lying about other things? 

What do I do about this?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Lulu18

I have just read your post and wondered who are you getting support from, trying to work through the issues for yourself, the mind field of what is truth and what is not truth, how can you know whether he is lying or not and if he is lying then is this about the addiction or is this an habit that still needs work as part of the recovery? Constantly wanting to look into his behaviour but then being triggered by what might or might not be happening, let alone the pain and fear of what you might discover. I wonder if you have considered your own support needs through all of this and whether you would find some of the partners support offered through The Laurel Centre beneficial, both in how to manage your situation and also to enable you to have a support network of other women who are experiencing a similar situation to yourself. Have a look at the courses being offered, either as an intensive or weekly, depending upon your circumstances. Many women find the support of the group very helpful.  Not only does it give you the support of the group but it will help you think about why someone develops this addiction, how they recover and what you need to consider in order to look after yourself and manage the trauma and ongoing situation. I hope you are in a position to consider this. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Having been there on this! I would say this may have been a slip rather than acting out. It may be he was at the preparation stage (assuming you've seen the addiction diagram, its in the partners book written by Paula rather than just the sex addict book) whereby he was all ready to act out but decided not too. I understand the pain this causes and the rage. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×